12.31.2004

Look back 2004 and look ahead 2005

IF YOU ARE GOING TO PRESS PLAY - "Good about me" by Joseph Arthur (Big City Secrets track #4)

When they ask you what's your church
You say I dance
When they say whatever happened to you
You say I never had a chance
I'm an open book
Come in take a look at me


I had a rough year. Everything was going so well until my uncle Don died last January the "Wheels fell off the bus" so to speak. Honestly I didn't get as much accomplished as I wanted to - I just kept myself distracted... It was so hard on my family (Christmas eve was pretty much a disaster) and I think it is still hard.

Well... it's about that time to make my resolutions for next year. Here is how I did on last year:

1. Clear up my life: Thinking about it the past few days... I have cleared up alot of my life.

2. Find the path: I am one class short of my associate's degree in liberal arts. Yeah, I know it isn't much but it's a slip of paper that says I have accomplished SOMETHING since I started college.

3. Plant more trees: Well I made an impact on a certain young lady. She tattooed one of my poems on her so I guess that counts.



4. Be vulnerable again: Hard to explain but I have definately reached an interal compromise with myself. I think I have come to realise that you can never escape your shadow... it will always be there. You just don't have to look at it if you keep looking ahead.

5. Get fucking RIPPED: I was doing so well. I was dieting and working out consistently for the few previous months before January - but I just stopped caring. What I did do was ween myself off of regular pop to diet. Diet vanilla pepsi is my savior. I think

6. Write MORE and DO SOMETHING with it!: Haven't had much to say lately... I want to change that in 2005.

YEAR IN REVIEW

JANUARY - BIG FISH (my favorite movie). All of my optimism of the new year failed when my uncle died. Ben and Meg saved me. Started the failure of a relationship with Kelly.
FEBRUARY - SURVIVOR ALL-STARS, depressed,4th annual SPA (single person awareness) day, uber-badass at UT2K4, The Passion of the Christ.
MARCH - "fight club", declared war on the Arborites, pulled a muscle in my neck, played lineage 2 to the point of being burnt out, ate a Elivs Presley fried peanut butter and banna sandwhich <- got sick, saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
APRIL - Ariel airlifted to U of M Ann Arbor and the resulting miracle, really stressed out. Finds out the fear of hospitals is Nosocomephobia. Mollie "doesn't want a relationship" is knocked up by some dude. Slashdotted, Ariel gets dischared (yay!), Fallout with kelly ensues.
MAY - Netflix, watching every episode of THE SOPRANOS, gmail account, Go Boston Rob!, Van Helsing sucks, Velvet Revolver FUCKING ROCKS.
JUNE - Velvet Revolver album, Pistons win!, Kelly reaches a controlled descent
JULY - Johnny Bronto goes country, spiderpants... tingling..., All the engines go out on Kelly.
AUGUST - AvP was good, 200$+ on computer mods, Back to school, Andrea and starbucks.
SEPTEMBER - All things Kelly crash and burn, built a dvd shelf, 9/11, Joseph Arthur concert. American Mars = good.
OCTOBER - Crashed my truck and saw American Mars that night, New Joseph Arthur album, Joanna gets a tattoo = ego stroked, Team America... FUCK YEAH. Beth!
NOVEMBER - Discovers politcs, John Kerry loses, Lost interest in politics. Moved out to Hazel Park. Ride with roomate Jeff, and crew leader Al in the cube van to work now, Met Joseph Arthur! John/Chelz birthday combo, World of Warcraft. More Beth.
DECEMBER - World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft... xmas eve SUCKS. xmas rocks (sung soprano), 19inch flat panel LCD monitor... Beth and optimism.

THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE 2004

1. Kelly - spent 9 months out of the year (Funny how it all started a year ago tonight) chasing/waiting for her. Turns out she wanted something else that I guess better than I was. (Yes I know the truth) But that's okay. She doesn't deserve to have me in her life anymore. I guess I thought there was more to our relationship in my head than she ever did. Whatever she wants to settle for - she blew it with me.

2. Margarita - Things changed this year between her and I. The volatile nature of our relationship leveled off into friendship. I think we are closer than ever and it's all good.

3. Andrea - I met her in the class I was taking last semester. She was from South Africa. It was so interesting talking to person from another country, and I learned alot about the world from a non-American. She utterly intrigued me. Andrea was so fun to be around.. I had to give her my tour of the important things to accomplish around here.

THE Taco Bell
THE Pizza place (pizzapopolis)
THE Coney Island (national)
THE Ice Cream parlor (Coldstone)
A concert - Joseph Arthur
A movie - Blade: Trinity
A scary movie - The ring (she had never seen it)

When I moved in November, everything got really hectic and didn't see her for a while. I knew that she was leaving in December and it kind of snuck up on me. Now I wish I would have spent more time with her.

The last time we went out was right before she left. We went to dinner, then got some ice cream and watched The Ring. As she went to leave it just dawned on me - I have never had to say goodbye to someone that I knew I probably wasn't going to see again. That made her hugging me and driving away make me feel really awkward but sad. She called me the next morning at 6:00am which I missed, but I called her back a few minutes later and could tell she was crying on the other side. It was really sad to talk to someone and not be able to say something like "I'll see you later"

Over the next few days I was just kind of shocked and bothered. I couldn't put my finger on why it affected me so much. Did I have feelings for her? When I met her I was attracted to her, but I told myself that I was just my fascination with her intellectually.

Finally I realized what it was. Andrea was someone who has nothing to do with anyone I have ever met, or any event in my past. How many people do you meet that you can say that about?

I still have her last voicemail on my phone and I don't know why. I do miss her and her company.

4. Beth - She told me not to write anything about her but I have to. I'll keep it short.

We just started talking one night a few months ago and just never stopped, and I have been happier and a better person since meeting her. There are setbacks, both with her and my defense mechanisms. I think we have just agreed to keep it simple. Tonight, on new year's eve. I am just looking forward to being with her. She feels good in alot of ways.

No canvas, no paint. No past and not worrying about anything but the present. Just us.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2005

1. Be healthier - I think I have eaten myself out of gluttony over the past week (Feel kinda bleh!) I am really planning on eating better, doing some cardio, and trying to make a healthier lifestyle my hobby. I will be getting a membership at the local fitness center and that should be fun.

2. Find peace - I just need to put some things to bed and move on. Sarah will always be my first love and because of that she will always have a piece of my heart. She's gone forever and finally I am okay with that. I haven't even thought about Madonna this year so that's pretty much done. I have come to terms with my pretty much losing 3 years of my life and everything that happened when I was hiding under a rock. Depression can make you someone else and in that time I wasn't myself.

3. Be happy - I have no clue but something has snapped in me since Christmas. I have been in a great mood since that depressing time. Normally I get really sad on New Year's but today I am just thankful for all that I have and am looking forward. The only thing I feel bad about is taking so much for granted.

4. Be a good Son/Brother/Uncle/Grandson - I love my family so much. I am so lucky to have them. I really miss them because I only get to see everyone once or twice a week since I have moved out. My mom is the best ever - and I really strive to be half the man my dad is. Chelz and I have spent alot of time together this year going out and that has been fun. Jamie has been busy with everything she has going on and I want to spend more time with her. Logan and Ariel are just amazing. Logan is so smart and fun. Ariel makes my heart melt when she smiles at me. She's all over the place now. I want to spend more time with my Nan this year (my schedule sucks but I am going to have to make it work).

5. Do NOT let WoW ruin my life - World of Warcraft is one of the best and most involved video games I have ever played. Too involved. I think I am going to work out some kind of reward thing whereas 1 hour of cardio = 1 night of WoW without feeling guilty.

6. Write more journal/poetry - Everything now isn't so epic as it was when I started over 4 years ago. That doesn't mean I should stop writing. I really want to start putting in more mundane things... have a normal blog for once.

LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2005

Movies: Star Wars Episode III, Sin City, The Ring 2
Music: Deftones, Underworld, Nine Inch Nails

ENDING NOTE.

Above all, I just want a little peace and a little lovin. God help the tsunami victims and pray for all the Matt Lacki's overseas. Everyone be safe and love one another. I hope I get to level 60 and that Skoal Knight kicks ass.

And lastly - Welcome to *AN INVESTMENT IN FUTURE HAPPY* - www.deadpixel.org blog 2005.

12.25.2004

Kwanzmukkahmas.


HAPPY Kwanzmukkahmas!!!!

12.10.2004

Insufficient Update.

My life consists of...

1. Work.

2. World of Warcraft

12.03.2004

You would kill for this, just a little bit.

LISTEN NOW - straylight run "existentialism on prom night"

Tearing all of these paintings from the wall
Every canvas
a chaulkline of some long lost dream
and here I am
daring you to break my heart

With all this barbwire
you know I'm damaged goods
But you are not a ghost
and being real
Makes me want to be real for you

11.11.2004

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Soon.

With the move and all things have been really hectic. Now that things have settled down I can finally say something here.

Well, I will. I promise. When I am not so tired.

11.02.2004

Don't vote? DON'T BITCH.

If you are going to press play - "Imagine" by A Perfect Circle (Emotive) and any RATM handy.

I just voted for the first time... As a matter of fact I registered to vote SPECIFICALLY in this election.

It was SO EXCITING. So nice to be part of the democratic process and have the right to bitch.

I voted John Kerry/John Edwards. Why? Well I have my reasons... None of which I will discuss here.

10.18.2004

America...FUCK YEAH!

I just got back from Team America: World Police.

If you are going to press play - "Montage" from the TEAM AMERICA soundtrack. (Track 9)

It's absotively (yes I said absotively) INSANE. If you want to see puppets firing machine guns, having sex, and puking.... If you love montages...

-This movie is for you:

*Smirk*.

If you are going to press play - "Stumble and Pain" by Joseph Arthur (Album - Our Shadows Will Remain Track 3)

It's hard to stay alive if you don't know how to live.

10.11.2004

My #1 Fan.

Joanna is someone who I talk to from time to time over the internet. She really likes what I write but I didn't she liked it THIS much.

It all started a week or so when she signed my guestbook:

Joanna: would you be upset to know that I tattooed on of your poems on my body?

So I had to email her about it. She responded:

I'm tryin to get a pic, but I don't have a digi cam, and my friend who has one is out of town. argh! but I will get a pic for you. it's your "love is the boy who cried wolf" poem, without the "you put your faith in lies" line (it just didn't fit the flow right), with a way rad heart outline thingy behind it.

at any rate, everyone who sees it either says "whoa, that's deep", or asks if I'm very bitter about love. HA. you rule.

~*~Joanna~*~


So at this point I was shocked and had to email her again to which she just wrote me:


still trying to get a pic to you. don't worry, i'll try and get it soon.

I've always wanted one of your poems tattooed on me. I told you long ago that I was in love with your words.

so that poem is written in this very cool half-scribble-half-cursive lettering, and the poem is over a two tone red firey heart outline thinger. its on my right calf, about the size of a hand. it is tres cool.


... Wow. That's totally sweet. I will definately post a picture when I get one.

10.02.2004

My poor truck & American Mars.

If you are going to press play "Loneliness is murder" - by American Mars.

My day was going great. I was on my way home from work after getting off fairly early (2pm) when I proceeded to rear-end another car.

Boooo.

I barely did any damage to his vehicle but my poor truck got the fender bent in :( There is more to it than "I hit him" but it's not worth getting into. Anyway I got my truck home and now I have to get it fixed.

Actually worked out for me. When I went to see American Mars that night - I didn't have to drive. Margarita drove and I proceeded to get slightly (or not so slightly) intoxicated.

When American Mars finally took the stage - For about an hour or so I forgot about my accident. Which was nice. Worrying about getting it fixed sucks.

Once again they were great. I took some pictures. (I know they are blurry - maybe I should actually read the instructions for my digital camera).




After the show I talked to Thomas again (Vocals). We had been exchanging emails since seeing them with Joseph Arthur a few weeks ago. He's super cool and really humble, which definately gets me into the music more. I picked up the album "No city fun" at the show and it's great.

Anyways my favorite song of theirs is "Loneliness is murder" which you can download for free (cool). Definately worth checking out (more songs available at the site).

9.28.2004

Finally current...

I have finally fixed my poetry page. I had left off in 2003, now everything I have written this year is in one place. This brings me pretty much up through Kelly and other relapses.

If I were to write a song...

If I'm going to miss someone... It might as well be someone worth missing.

If you are going to press play - "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You"
by Colin Hay (Garden State OST track 5)

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived, til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances, and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

9.20.2004

Joseph Arthur Concert.

If you are going to press play - "Making Mistakes" by Joseph Arthur (duh) from the VACANCY album.

Making mistakes
to kill some time
Waking up with the shakes
and a poisoned mind
I know that you might
not feel the way I do
still I hope
you're gonna come around


I arrived at the show at just after 8pm with Andrea and Margarita. Who is Andrea? Well she is a girl from my class who happens to be from South Africa. It's fascinating to talk to a Non-American who lives here...



The opening band was American Mars - a local band that was really good and definately worth another look in the future. I met the lead singer after the show and he was really cool.

Around 9:30pm or so Joseph Arthur finally took the stage:




I don't want to say it was a BAD show... but he played 11 songs total, 10 of which I had never heard before. I don't know if it was new material or something, but the show was just marred by unfamiliarity. There were a few keyboard songs that were WAY too loud. Needless to say I am a bit disappointed (Being my 2nd or 3rd favorite artist maybe my expectations were a bit high).

Anyway, we had a really good time. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't bring Kelly. I need to follow the "Mollie" rule from now on - Don't bring someone you are unsure about to a concert which is important to you.

9.18.2004

Over capacity.

With the purchase of the Star Wars Trilogy - I was out of shelf space for my dvd colletion. I just hit 158 movies...

Today (By some miracle) I designed and built a PIMP dvd shelf. I guess window installation and carpentry is starting to rub off on me.

Just like Jesus!


With a few empty shelves left, I estimate this will hold about 288 dvds (Less with box sets, etc.) but that should do me for AT LEAST another year or two.

Cost? $0 and 2 hours of my time. w00t.

9.14.2004

Control.

Everything I saw was more beautiful than ever could have really been...

I held the door for a woman at the mall yesterday and she said to me "Thank you - there aren't many gentlemen left in the world" - it made me feel good.

What a weekend. Sept 11th came and went again. I got off at noon and didn't really accomplish anything.

Hump was suppose to be in town but I didn't hear from him (Kept my plans open until the last minute).

What I did do was hang out with Margarita. We went to Boomer's for a few drinks and then to the party store for a few more. Irony of all ironies - Kelly and my sister were waiting to go out when we got back to my house.

Margarita, meet Kelly. Kelly, meet Margarita. (Well I'm assuming they were introduced... I was a bit intoxicated). Anyway after an EXTREMELY quick dip in the pool (freezing) it was back in the house to watch MAN ON FIRE. Kelly and my sister leave and we watch the movie.

Fairly uneventful.

So after a few hours I sober up and take her home. We have this discussion about the current categorization of our relationship. Now - up until this point there was no categorization.

Due to recent events and circumstances I made the decision to finally label us after all of this time.

"That's never going to happen again"

Friends. That's all we are from here on out. It's just the way that it is going to have to be.

Okay, okay. Yes I am leaving out a ton of details but I am writing this for me so I will know exactly what I am talking about when I read this 5 years from now.

Here's the thing - On closer examination I realized on the trip taking her home that she has a measure of control over me. I'm not saying it's malicious but I am attracted to her and she knows it. The thing is - it's her decision on whether this is valid or returned... Depends on her mood, etc. She has the control over the situation on what happens and what does not happen. Not me.

Taking that a step further.

Kelly has the same thing. I waited and waited for her... and whatever future that has long since been annihilated was dependent on her. It was her decision what happened and didn't happen - not mine.

I can't turn off (god knows how much I try) how I feel about her. I cannot turn off my attraction to Margarita. It's part of our respective relationships - it's the building blocks where everything else started.

I'm sick of it.

Shouldn't a relationship be a two-way street? I remember a long time ago that my relationships were an even exchange (Well, I suppose that Sarah gave more than I did, and Madonna took more than she gave in the beginning) but at least there was an EXCHANGE.

Somewhere over the past few years I picked up a bad case of codependency. I guess I just feel a need to fill this void within.

I know that a year from now Kelly will be lopped into the same category as the other "blips on the radar" - Mollie, Kristin, etc. Everyting was special and beautiful and perfect and went absolutely nowhere. With Kelly I know there is something to salvage in there somewhere but I'm not ready for that yet. It's hard to take those steps back (even if I was apprently the only one who took them) because it feels like settling.

I suppose being a hopeless romantic is more hopeless than romantic.

9.11.2004

Some days you just realize that things are bigger than your life.



9.10.2004

G.I.O.O.M.F.S.

I'll go to bed with my dreams
and you can sleep with your clear conscience
Used to think they were good enough
for the both of us
I guess all of those times I was the only one there


If you are going to press play - "Fair" by Remy Zero (Garden State OST track 7)

When I was sure you'd follow through
My world was turned to blue so thin
When you'd hide your songs would die
So I'd hide yours with mine
And all my words were bound to fail
I know you won't fail

9.04.2004

Cheetos are good.

You hold the
broken pieces of my heart in your hand
-I want you to keep them
because you are the only one who deserves to.

8.31.2004

The PASSION of the bronto.

If you are going to press play - "Grazed Knees" by SNOW PATROL.
Well, it is the end of August and that means anniversary time.

Happy birth day to www.deadpixel.org! I cannot believe that it has been 4 years since I opened this site... and things are going strong.

It has been 9 months since New Year's with Kelly... and all that has crashed and burned since. Oh well. YMO is my new philosophy.

Whatever.

Things are going well. I started my ONE class last thursday and it is going well. It is nice to be back in the system - I have WAY more credits than I thought I had and in the next week or two I am going to meet with an student advisor to see what I can do with them.

Skype is a really cool (and free) VOIP program. Think Aol instant messenger + free phone calls. Moonkhan and I tested it out earlier tonight and the sound quality is crystal clear.

Lately I have noticed a shift in my personality. Basically I realized that in some ways I willfully give someone a level of control over me. After everything that has happened between Margarita, Kelly, and I - (and all aspects within... heh) it has occured to me that I let women dominate my subconcious.

No more. I am a very fair person. Okay... I try to be a fair person. However the person that I am mostly unfair to is myself.

That is all going to change.

8.23.2004

Promises, Promises...

Big end-of-August update coming...

8.18.2004

8.15.2004

Aliens VS. Predator (and other children's tales).

When I walked out of the movie, I said one thing...

"That... that DIDN'T suck"

AVP wasn't bad... I was really suprised, expecting... hell HOPING for it to be awful.

There are a few things I would have done differently (Breaking the 11th commandment *thou shalt not ruin the cinema experience*) - possible spoilers follow:

1. Lance Henrikson should have been a more overbearing presence in the movie. It would have worked better if he would have known SOMETHING about perhaps the predators and gone after them and their technology (Like Paul Riser in Aliens, or Gary Busey in Predator 2 *shudder*)... He wouldn't share this info with the archeologists until it was too late. Perhaps he was privy to the events that occured in P1 and P2.

2. Bishop gets a crack team of the baddest ass marines posing as a normal "Security force" bent on taking on whatever they find, unknown to:

3. He should have recruited a excavation team because he had the guns, but not the know-how of deciphering the ruins, etc. (That and he needed fodder)

4. So now that you have the hostile corporation wanting nothing more than the technology... They get into the pyramid and basically tell the excavation team to piss off. He "Knows what he is doing" and starts pushing buttons (Such as setting the temple to the current date) and then all hell breaks loose as the aliens were freed.

5. Speaking of which... more time should have passed between the eggs being hatched and the facehuggers embedding aliens into the people trapped in the sacrificial chamber. It seemed to quick to have full grown aliens running around.

6. If they are going to do the whole "Badass chick who becomes a predator" thing - they should have had some... BADASS CHICK. Not some whiny survivalist. She could have been from the crack team... Or just some girl who knows how to handle herself.

7. TOO MANY COLORS. The reason why Alien, Aliens, and Predator worked so well was the LACK of colors. In A1 and A2, there were just drab colors, soft lights, etc. In P1 there was lush jungle with greens and dark colors. Take out the colors! That way it means more when you see predator blood or just blood in general.

Ah well, I will buy it when it comes out but they could have gone another way with some things.

8.08.2004

This week's To Do list.

1. Register to vote.
2. Register for classes (HFCC or WSU).
3. Beat doom 3.
4. Get car charger for phone. (Check)
5. Watch Kill Bill 2 before Tuesday, otherwise buying it early was pointless. (Check)
6. Buy Goodfellas SE dvd this weekend. (Check)
7. Get 2 UV IDE cables for my computer, also get 2 more UV cathodes. (Check)
8. Buy boxers (damn boxer gnomes).
9. Buy Ironclad work gloves. (Check)
10. Figure out what I am going to do with my vacation the NEXT weekend (19-21).

8.06.2004

A slightly intoxicated moment of reflection.

I know that it's time
to shake the stars from my eyes
but I like how they are
when I look at myself in the mirror

I see you
after I've pulled all of the plugs
My head telling me that I feel nothing
and my empty heart
tells me what could have been.

7.30.2004

After all... timing IS everything.

After a slight snag...

I am on top of the fucking world.

7.28.2004

The day after yesterday.

If you are going to press play - "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur (Album - Vacancy)

I fully expected to wake up utterly destroyed this morning. Turns out, the only thing that brought me down was this flu I picked up over the past weekend.

I suppose that deep down in my heart I kind of expected what happened with Kelly. Some sort of contingency plan told me to go ahead and fall in love with her, but not completely. Leave myself an out.

An out which I thought of today...

Last night when we were talking I became really incensed at one point and I couldn't put my finger on it until today. The point came across "I don't want a relationship right now" (Not those exact words but the thought regardless, maybe adding WITH YOU at the end)

Madonna said the same thing... Dated her a year and a half and she told me that "She didn't want this right now" when the truth was she was fucking someone else and getting knocked up.

Those are old wounds. Now I am not saying that Kelly is pulling the same thing on me... It was just the concept of what she was telling me. Years ago I had never felt so betrayed... A part of me is still hurt by that a little and she unintentionally brought it out of me.

...I feel kind of sad. You spend over half a year getting to know someone and showing them who you are. As far as I am concerned our discussions were definately more intimate than "friends" but we obviously had a different take on what our relationship truly was. I was willing to wait for her as long as it took, because I cared about someone and that was good enough for me for the time being. I never put any pressure on her at all and I am very proud of myself for that.

However I guess I overheard things like "I could fall in love with you and marry you in a second, I know you would make me so happy John" (one night driving her home, yes she was intoxicated) - apparently I took that the wrong way as MEANING something more than friendship (or at least the possibility of more).

All I can do is shrug at most. The cliche here is "Her loss" - something I truly believe. I became the person who loved her, and honestly I really like myself like that... It was so nice to try and be a wonderful person for someone.

To be fair, understanding, patient, and loving. That is who I am.

So I realized today that I am that wonderful person regardless. I just need someone to love and take care of. Hopefully someday soon I will have someone as I am looking forward to getting into a meaningful relationship.

I'm actually inspired. :) I'm the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel today. I just need to shake this flu.

Kelly isn't the bad guy in this (as far as I am concerned, everyone can form their own opinion). She's a wonderful girl who I still care about very much. I'm not going to ever bash her here.

They say if you love something let it go... well. Here goes.

7.27.2004

Over... over... out.

That's it. Any possibility of a relationship with Kelly other than friend just died.

We had a long conversation about some things that I am not going to get into here... I just want to write something down because I am not sure how I am going to feel when I wake up in the morning.

The whole time I just wanted to tell her that I loved her. That she made me feel special - like everything was going to be okay for once in my life. I didn't want to dig myself deeper into this hole in my heart so I didn't. I wanted to go into every minute detail of how she makes me feel... but I didn't. The way she felt in my arms, the way it felt to kiss her, or touch her.

Realizing that it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good to plead my case with her, I gave up. Even though she is worth fighting for... the fight left me in a sigh.

I have been in love with her since New Year's. Get this - because she DIDN'T kiss me when the ball dropped at midnight.

In love because that isn't something that I can control. Especially when I fall in love way to easy.

That detail, among the other many small things that happened between her and I. The things which only the two of us shared and will ever know. Which made the past 7 months of my life give me something to look forward to.

Something that's over now.

7.23.2004

Staring at the sun on a rainy day.

I would say I was a moth to a flame
However I am long cinder and burned
The ashes of all of this
weep at the fact
That I'm telling you I miss you
and you don't even flinch.

7.22.2004

Light up, Light up - As if you have a choice

The cruel timing of my life spites me with irony.

This morning, I was driving to work when I turned off the cd I was listening to. The station it was set to was 89x, my favorite rock station here in Detroit.

Right as I turned the volume up, they were saying the intro for the song. I mean the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

To make a long story short - The song was "Run" by SNOW PATROL.

The tone of the song, the lyrics... it's all just perfectly how I feel right now.

7.20.2004

Spiderpants... Tingling...

wwwww...
wwwwwww....
wwwwww.......
wwww....
wwwwwww.....

wwwwWWWWWWEEBBBBBBBBB!!!!! .... gooooeeeyyyy!

7.15.2004

Effigy.

Longing...
Never have I felt so lonely
than when you are here
The small touches
mean the most

You leave me
defeated and alone again
- I wouldn't have it any other way
but
what I want
and what I want
are two different things.

Piety will be the death of me. :)

7.14.2004

Save a horse, ride a bronto!

Alright... It's time to come out of the country closet. Last winter the crew I worked on listened to NOTHING but a country station. For a few months I held out... I would just be annoyed.

Finally, I broke.

Now, I would never BUY or OWN any country music. I just know all of the goddamned words to all of the songs, and I LIKE it. I ENJOY it. I SING it.

God help me.

"Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley is the most depressing song I have ever heard. It's like Counting Crows on CRACK sad.

Anyway... it's just different. The songs are FUN and not about how someone's skateboard broke up with them.

NO! I will not justify it! WHY GOD?!!?!? WHY?!!?!?!?

7.12.2004

"Wow, this is awkward."

I don't even know what to say... but I guess by saying that I don't know what to say I am in fact saying something.

Sometimes it's just hard to be me.

7.09.2004

Connection.

The tie that binds us
is the tie that breaks us just the same.

6.27.2004

White Flag.

If you are going to press play - "Loving the Alien" by Velvet Revolver

Sometimes I think I'm scared
Sometimes I know
I feel like making love
Sometimes I don't
I feel like letting go
Maybe not
I feel like giving up
Is all we got

Sometimes is all the time
And never means maybe
Sometimes is all the time
Maybe


After the talk with Kelly last night, I have no idea about where anything is going from here. I just don't get it anymore.

Should I just give up? Is that what she wants from me?

:(

She makes me so happy, but she can make me feel so sad sometimes.

6.16.2004

Pistons!

I went out to Royal Oak to watch the championship game... The pistons won 100-87 in a blowout. I guess Kobe should have kept his jail-bound mouth shut instead of giving a guarantee that they would win.

The game was good, but other than that I had a pretty shitty night.

6.13.2004

:(

I woke up this morning with that kick-in-the-stomach feeling. I guess I'm more hurt than I thought I would be, and I don't know where to go from here.

I want to write this big long thing about Kelly and my relationship with her... I just don't have the heart to. I am completely and utterly defeated at this point, and nothing I say has, or ever will make a difference.

She broke my heart last night. I know it wasn't intentional but it happened and I'm going to have to deal with it.

:(

6.08.2004

Velvet motherfucking Revolver!

Although I have been "previewing" it for the past week, the new VELVET REVOLVER album came out today.




Go buy it.

6.06.2004

Welcome to the fallout...

If you are going to press play - "I dare you to move" by Switchfoot

She said: "You make me so mad sometimes"
I said: "You make me so sad sometimes"

6.02.2004

Sigh.

Sometimes it's hard to pretend.

You close your eyes and smile at me
and I melt every time
I want to kiss you so bad I could scream
but I can't
These chains of retraint are fireworks of caution
and I'm only human


5.31.2004

Updates.

Well my memorial day weekend is about over. We had a LAN on saturday, DnD on sunday, and today all I did was indulge and watch the SOPRANOS. I worked on my site, and am very happy how it turned out.

Over the course of this weekend I treated myself to all of the fast food, pizza, vanilla coke/pepsi, and sour gummi worms that I could handle. Now I am sick. Which is good.

For some reason or another I had stopped working out and eating right over the past few weeks. I am not sure if it was just exhaustion or depression or a combination of both.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to try to be healthier. Normally I would promise but all I can guarantee is that I will try. I am going to try and swim, run, rollerblade, walk, go to the gym, or get on the treadmill for an hour a day. Everyday. I realized that I have spent 27 hours of my life in the past few weeks watching the SOPRANOS, and I could have spent that time doing something constructive while I watch. I have 133 dvds now and could just pick one everyday while I get on the treadmill downstairs.

What brought this on? Well I was doing so well earlier this year with the gym, fight club, and my diet. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself and had alot of energy. That has since left me.

Work has gotten back to full time, so I had to quit fight club. I know that I am going to lose about 20lbs working my ass off this summer, and I would like to do something more with the my body. I hate it when someone takes pictures of me, and over the past few years I have become self concious about how I look.

So, I am glad that I am sick to my stomach right now. I don't think I could look at another sour gummi worm.

5.24.2004

Smile.

between the lines
between the words
between the humor, playfulness, and wit
subtleties of intimacy
as much said as unsaid
in the silence i swear i can hear you smile

5.21.2004

Velvet Revolver & Silvertide Concert

Typically, opening bands suck. You've never heard of them, you don't know any of their songs, etc. So when SILVERTIDE took the stage last night I was skeptical. Right away the lead guitar came out and went crazy. A few songs in and I was hooked. They are kind of a throwback band (Late 80's, not hair band but PURE rock and roll), a type of music that I have come to enjoy very much.

After the show I met the lead singer, Walt. He was a really cool and personable guy. Really humble and thankful that I enjoyed the show. He signed a WRIF poster logo thingy for me... Definately looking forward to picking up their debut album "Show & Tell" on June 8th.

Then VELVET REVOLVER took the stage. One word:

WOW.
In case you don't know - Velvet Revolver is made up of the ex members of Guns n Roses and former Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland.

"Detroit Rock City motherfucker!" - Scott Weiland

Scott Weiland was electric. He has always been one of my favorite lead singers (STP) but he just pushed his way to the top of my list.

The band was no slouch either. You would think that the ex-GNR guys would have lost a step. This wasn't the case at all - which was proved when they covered a few STP songs ("Crackerman" and "Sex Type Thing")

They were just on FIRE. They played a bunch of songs off of their new album, ("Contraband" - also dropping June 8th.) Where I only knew the one song "Slither".

VR also played a few GNR songs, but the most amazing *Cover* was "Negative Creep" by Nirvana.

I can't wait for their cd. It was the best concert I have ever been to.

5.12.2004





Out of sight, but not out of mind.

Well, Paul beat me to it... I took my mother out to see VAN HELSING. Honestly? Walking out, I was thinking - It's not really that bad, but not really good either. It left me with a neutral feeling. Having time to think about it since and make a decision... I have come up with the following conclusion:

THE GOOD: Kate Beckinsdale is HOT...
THE BAD: Everything else... This movie sucks. I would say RENTER but go see it at the dollar show because it's cheaper. Or NETFLIX it and watch a TON of movies that month to drive the overall cost down. The jury is still out on whether it was worse than LXG or not. My movie tax has been paid this year. :)

After last night and a long day at work today... I don't think I am capable of doing anymore than lounging around and watching THE SOPRANOS. I just finished the first season, about to pop in the first disc of the second. Netflix is great.

Tomorrow I have a tour of Specs Howard tomorrow at 5pm. Definately looking forward to it.

Why do I find myself hesitating to write what I really want to say?

5.11.2004





If only I were an ostrich...

If ignorance is bliss, THEN KNOCK THE SMILE OFF MY FACE
- Rage Against the Machine "Settle for nothing"

5.09.2004

Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

Oh well, the Robfather didn't win the million dollars. Which is really sad because he outplayed EVERYONE. Honestly it came down to Lex being a fucking crybaby sore loser. You suck Lex.

But he did win ONE HELL of a consolation prize...




Ambuh is HOT. Congratulations!

Go Boston Rob!



Well tonight is the survivor finale. It's down to the Robfather, Ambuh, Jenna and Rupert. Go Rob! Honestly he deserves to win, as he has outplayed and outlasted everyone.

What sucks is that the jury members hate him. Just like Nyko said they are hating the player, not the game. Hypocrites. The game isn't about making friends and being "fair" - it's about WINNING. Everything is all fine and dandy until you HAVE to stab someone in the back. It's the point of the game.

If Rob gets into the final two I hope it's with Ambuh. That way at least they would be a couple (unless she wins and dumps his ass) and he could see part of the million dollars. If it comes down to the two of them then the JURY is screwed by having to pick the lesser of two evils.

5.08.2004

Semacode

Semacode is basically an URL barcode. A visual representation of a hyperlink. Important? No, not really. Just something that I read on slashdot earlier.

Here is what www.deaDpiXeL.org ***LOOKS LIKE!***




Ha Ha I have semacode and you DO NOT.

5.04.2004

New gmail account...

I have changed my main email to:
Everyone who reads... please send me an email so I can get my new address book straightened out. Thanks!

5.03.2004

Netflix

I have decided to give NETFLIX a try... Basically because I want to catch back up on the first 4 seasons of THE SOPRANOS and it is cheaper to get it from netflix than to rent it. Less of a hassle too.

So far, I have 33 movies qued up to be sent to me... I don't think netflix has any idea how fast I can watch movies so I think I am getting a good deal. My mom has a subscription to it and gets through about 6 or so movies a month... I plan to watch my 33 dvds and cancel my membership. I can do that in about 2 months I think if they send me 3 discs at a time (twice a week if I mail them right back) - So 6 dvds a week... about a month and a half.

5.01.2004

Blue

If you are going to press play "Blue" by A Perfect Circle (Thirteenth step)

I thought these lyrics from the song were appropriate...

Mistook their nods for an approval
Just ignore the smoke and smile

Reset Button.

I am glad April is over. Just seemed like an emotionally intense month and now the dust is beginning to settle.

I have decided to give up Lineage 2 after all. Which sucks because I just bought the game a few days ago. I have various auctions up on ebay... so hopefully I can break even, if not come out ahead for all of the hours I dumped into that game. I am going to take some time off from the MMORPGs (Barring I don't get into the WoW beta). The grind just hurts... and starting over hurts. I always seem to pick the wrong classes in these games and find that the grass is greener somewhere else.

Hopefully rogue will be cool in WoW. Just not sure what race I am going to play.

4.28.2004

I'm late for purgatory.

Leaving in the morning
I take my heart off my sleeve
and put it back on the shelf
I won't need it where I'm going

4.27.2004

On second thought...

On the way home from hanging out with Margarita in Northville, I called Kelly to chat. I don't think it went so well.

I guess sometimes I can tell she entertains an "us" in her voice. We have come to a certain level of playfulness - This wasn't one of those times. This was a "I could give a fuck" conversation, which left a bad taste in my mouth. I am one of those people that need to feel special. I don't take any level of rejection well.

Basically, halfway through I gave up. Surely she could sense the defeated tone in my voice as I rushed to get off the phone.

I hung up, and the thought popped in my head: Maybe she isn't the right person for me right now.

So is that it? I have been asking myself that very same question since.

It isn't going anywhere and fast. Yeah, I want to be her friend and build on it. Fine. However that is where we differ I think. I get to know people that I am interested in - and THAT is the base.

How am I going to feel if she does dump her bf and then not want a relationship with me? How can I be a true "friend" if I always want something more? How am I going to feel if I hear "I don't want this kind of relationship right now" one more time?

She has someone to go home to. I do not. As much as I have tried to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist - she is VERY involved with someone and that is not going to change in the immediate future. So what's the point?

It's not fair to me if I lead myself into believing in something that ISN'T going to happen. Nor if I am led to believe anything. Am I saying she led me on? No.

As much as I enjoyed it - I am beginning to regret kissing her. Not that it was bad, it's just that kind of thing that made me felt special. It's that kind of thing that makes me feel there is the possibility of something more, because I don't throw things around like that lightly (well at least not anymore). It means something to me. I have become the kind of person that can abide to anything as far as relationships go, as long as the rules are set ahead of time. That way no one gets hurt.

Look. I don't hate you Kelly. I know you are going to read this so all I can do is be brutally honest with you, whether that be good or bad. I don't want to fight or bicker about this. I don't want to stop talking to you. I just think the best thing for us to do is put all of the cards on the table and see where we can go from there.

You just have to understand where I am coming from.

4.26.2004

Faith, gone from your eyes

"If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker." - Rounders

If you are going to press play - "Easy way to cry" by David Gray
And as I watch you leave I stand
Inside my house of straw
And everywhere I go I find
Things recollecting to my mind
...How right it all could be


What the hell am I doing to myself these days? Why do I subject myself to this off and on, hot and cold connections to the people I care about?

Things have once again cooled off considerably between Kelly and I. Now I am beginning to think I am the only one who was seeing something that wasn't there. I mean, I know that she cares about me, but I am stuck in the middle. She isn't going to dump her boyfriend, regardless.

Even if she did, she has told me that she doesn't want the type of relationship that she thinks I expect from her. I don't expect anything other giving me a shot. If I'm not going to get a shot then should I just call it where it is? Should I just accept this friendship and tell my heart to stop looking ahead?

Just the way things are I am starting to think we resent eachother. That unspoken frustration of treading water. Nothing is going to happen but I can't help thinking about kissing her. What did that mean if neither of us regret it? I guess I have realized that while there may be a grey area, it eventually fades one way or the other... To black, or to white. That is a fact.

All of the alarms are going off within me. Telling me that I am not in love. I have been conditioned to associate love with disappointment, rejection, failure, vulnerability, and pain.

Is this any different?

The only person I can blame is myself. I see and feel things that in hindsight obviously were never there in the first place. I have gotten better at it over the years, but I still see too much potential, and in that contrast I set unrealistic expectations. I breadcrumb myself, and when someone actually gives me reason to believe that something may happen, the sky is falling.

I'm a hypocrite in this fashion. I tell Margarita all the time that a girl being the least bit nice to a guy makes them think that they are interested.

Look at me now.

The things that we talk about... That intimacy of conversation that makes you feel special. Those areas of a "friendship" that makes you feel everything but. The place that you carve out for the two of you, that canvas that differentiates "us" from "them".

What frustrates me the most is that I know for a fact that she cares about me in a way that is not a "friendship". However I don't know what the missing puzzle pieces are, let alone how to find them. I guess those are all in her court, and I don't think any of those obstacles are going to be overcome anytime soon.

So, I don't know what to do anymore.

Slashdotted... again.

I just got slashdotted again. I posted about google's Gmail service that just became available in beta for blogger users. Check it out. This is the second time I have been slashdotted, you can check out the first here.

4.24.2004

Ariel has been sprung!

Well she was discharged last monday from the hospital and things are fine.

She looks happy to be home, too. :)

4.17.2004

It's complicated.

One of the hardest things on me is caring about someone and not being able to express it.

4.13.2004

Defeated.

If you are going to press play "Knife Party" by Deftones

my knife it's sharp and chrome
come see inside my bones
all of the fiends are on the block
I'm the new king
I taste the queen
in here we are all anemic
in here anemic and sweet
so go get your knife
and come in
so go get your knife
and lay down
so go get your knife now kiss me

I can float here forever
in this room we can't touch
the floor in here
we're all anemic
in here anemic and sweet so



Note to self: DO NOT go to fight club when emotionally distraught. I caught two head-butts and a jab in the mouth today (when I should have been defending myself). That and I was just exhausted before I even got there. Just drained. My head wasn't in the game the whole time, and when I sparred Joe and Joel I got spanked. It's not really about competition, but I sucked. Period. I couldn't focus with my head somewhere else.

Where was it? Well due to the unexpected events over the past few days, Kelly was in my life again for an instant. We had not talked in a few weeks.

To make a long story short, and skipping some of the circumstances/details... I kissed her for the first time. To me, that's some kind of spark... That means something, because I don't go throwing that kind of thing around. Now, I'm not going to speak for her, but I don't know why it happened or what it meant to her.

After last night - I'm lost and beaten.

I'm sitting here at my keyboard clueless what to write now, even though I feel that more needs to be said.

I wish I could start at square one with her. I cannot. I can't look at her or deal with her without the years of baggage, rejection, and defense mechanisms coming into play. She doesn't have that and honestly I envy her for it.

You see, I've painted this beautiful picture for the rest of my life as far love goes. In that picture there is a dotted line with a "Insert person here"... the only thing that is missing.

It's my proverbial bible of skewed and unrealistic expectations. In that, I promised myself I would NEVER settle for anything less than absolute perfection. Somewhere in there I set the bar too high.

Just like that, my faith in all of those dreams has been broken. The weight of it has just snapped the backbone of everything I have led myself to believe in. It's not just Kelly either... She just made me realize some things.

You can't paint a picture and expect someone to fit. You have to find a person and paint a picture with them. She, nor any other girl I meet in the future, will be those from my past.

So, I don't know what to do. I give up. I'm a fucking jellyfish right now.

Go ahead-
beat me to death with that shield
that you swear
you are trying to protect me with

4.11.2004

Grey area.

I just want to mark tonight as proof to myself that the grey area exists.

4.08.2004

Funny how things work out...

I found out tonight that Mollie "...doesn't want a relationship right now" is not only knocked up but now MARRIED.

Also - I have been meeting my father up at the Captain's Pub/Hole in the wall on wednesdays... I find out tonight that my father is getting a divorce from his second wife (my mom being the first, duh) and is moving to Adrian... I got the biggest laugh of the night at the bar:

"Honestly?, I never liked the bitch anyway"

4.06.2004

Good News, Bad News

Good news or bad news?

Ok good news: Ariel doesn't have a cyst on her brain as was suspected. Her ventilator setting has been turned down so she doesn't have to rely on it as much.

The bad news: She has a collapsed lung, and a hole in her heart. From what I could gather the doctors at U of M hospital in Ann Arbor acted like this is kind of a routine thing for them. That makes me feel better.

4.04.2004

Nosocomephobia

- Nosocomephobia: The fear of hospitals.

I hate hospitals. Besides birth, there is really nothing good about being there. Something has to go wrong in order for you to be there.

My niece Ariel started the day off at Oakwood hospital in Dearborn Heights. She had been in the hospital for the past day or so... I am not 100% sure what the exact issue was... All I know is that she was crashing hard and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. We were called to the hospital.

She was airlifted to University of Michigan hospital in Ann Arbor, a facility better suited for her emergency. I drove so fast I actually saw the helicopter unloading.

After about 8 hours there, she was pronounced stable after being in critical condition all day. She was on a ventilator all day, as apprarently here blood had become deoxygenated. From what I could gather she had a blood transfusion... and was doing much better when I left the ICU.

I have never felt so heartbroken in my entire life. I'm so scared.

The only thing I can do in hospitals is sleep. I have to keep myself distracted or I get severe panic attacks. I played with Logan most of the day, and took a nap. I woke up sweating... Dwelling on stress isn't something I deal with well.

My stomach is still in a knot. I for some reason put on a facade of being calm and strong in these situations, but inside I am just destroyed. My nerves are shot, but the last thing my family needs is to see me break.

Alone in my room though, writing this - it's a different story. I'm sick to my stomach and I have that kind of cold sweat that you can do nothing about... Between the bar last night and all the crying I have done in the past few hours alone here... my eyes feel like they are on fire.

I can't write anymore...

4.03.2004

You live, you learn.

This morning my boss called me at 6:30am. I saw who it was and let the phone ring, hoping he would leave a voicemail. Now, I NEVER get saturdays off... However it's still slow at work, and we have to call every day to see if we are working the following day.

I wasn't on the list, but I had to double check. I called it again and sure enough my name was no where to be found. I thought it had to be some kind of emergency (nyko bleeding on pavement, etc.)... So like an idiot I call back.

T: Hello?
Bronto: Heya T, you called?
T: Yeah, you want to work today?
Bronto: *pause*
Bronto: *pause*
Bronto: Ummmm... no?
T: Okay. Cya.

Great. Now I look like I don't want to work. Next time I am just going to let the phone ring. It's SATURDAY, I was out late last night watching the UFC. This morning I made plans to go see HELLBOY.

Above all of that though, my niece Ariel is in the hospital again. So, I am on call. I am not sure 100% of what is going on, however I know she was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday. I hope and pray she will be alright. I love you sweetie.

*Sigh*

3.30.2004

...

trapped
With all of this art
the only thing i've done
is paint myself into a corner

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I just got back from ESOTSM. It was definately on the list, however was bumped up to a recomendation from Robbie. I had the day off, so I went alone.

I loved it so go see it. Well... It's not for everyone.

It really made me think on the way home. Would I erase some of my more painful memories in the hope of somehow attempting to better my life? I have the longest memory of anyone I know, and I have trouble letting go of things.

Would I trade that? Every letter of every word I have ever written would be empty. I would lose any sort of ability to express myself. I wouldn't have my intense fear of rejection or my complex system of defense mechanisms. I wouldn't have to write as a way to cope with my severe sense of loneliness or depression.

Could I give up the beautiful things I have seen or felt to somehow have another shot of getting my life right? As emotionally battered and distraught I have been from time to time - the one thing that has been worked and refined would be an impossible sense of hope. It's like being optimistic while holding a gun to your head.

At one point in the movie Jim Carrey's character has to gather up everything that reminds him of the one he lost and give it away - Reminds me of how I burned everything a few years ago. Honestly it doesn't help, as you would have to flatten a good 30 mile radius from where I live, as well as some other locations to truly give me a shot at not seeing some facet of them in everything. Emotional impressions are hard to erase when they are random.

The eternal question - is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Who would I be if I could just erase Sarah, Madonna, and all of the others who have destroyed me? I would be nothing... I would be an empty person. I have defined myself in destruction and the loss of innocence. Somehow I am still longing for more.

It is better to have loved and lost - If you never loved at all then you are missing out. It's the only thing worth living for... I wouldn't give up any of the memories I have, as much as I try to push them aside. If I am ever happy again, it will be make it even better in contrast. The sour and the sweet. Gaining anything is worthless if you don't know what it is like to lose.

One can't help but wonder "What if?" though.

3.29.2004

It's Official - Elvis is DEAD.

There were bananas on the table. Bread in the cupboad. Peanut butter in the cabinet. Curiousity overcame me...




Elvis Presley's Fried Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

Recipe By : Are You Hungry Tonight: Elvis' Favorite Recipes
Serving Size : 1 Preparation Time :0:05
Categories : Celebrity Sandwiches

Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1 small ripe banana
2 slices white bread
3 tablespoons peanut butter
2 tablespoons butter

In a small bowl, mash to banana with the back of a spoon. Toast the bread ligh
tly. Spread the peanut butter on one slice of toast and the mashed banana on t
he other. Fry the sandwich in melted butter until each side is golden brown.
Cut diagonally and serve hot.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOTES : Elvis loved his "peanut butter and nanner" sandwiches. At a hefty 36 g
rams of fat, they probably helped do him in.

THE VERDICT - It's good.... damn good... coronary good. Well I guess that settles that.

UPDATE 11:23PM - I have been sick to my stomach since... DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Thankyaverymuch.

3.26.2004

Monetary Crisis of Infinite Brontos


The only reason I work where I work is the money. Yeah, I know most people wouldn't hang out at their jobs for free. However, most people don't mind where they work. However, the ONLY reason I go to work is for money.

Some of my coworkers should be taken out of the genepool - period.

Since xmas vacation though, a once 6-day-a-week cashfest has turned into a "Call the hotline to see if you are working" 2 to 4 day-a-week part-time headache. For example, I am working tomorrow (Saturday of course) and that make 2 days this week. ONE last week (due to injury). I can't live like this. I live at home THANK GOD. My only real bills (that I have to pay) are my lease/insurance and cell phone bill.

However, if I don't work at least 3 or 4 days a week next week, I'm screwed. I will be able to pay my lease/insurance, but have no money to live on.

That, and I'm FUCKING BORED OUT OF MY SKULL.

Screw that noise. I should have filed for unemployment back over break. You want to pay me to sit at home and play LINEAGE II? FINE! However, I have found that when other people have filed their days on have gone from 2-3 to 4-5 a week.

That, or I want to find another job. I guess that one of the things keeping me from doing so in the past was how much money I made at TAG. However, that isn't an issue anymore. I mean, it's almost APRIL for fuck's sake, and I am beginning to think the bubble has burst.

I have become adjusted to living on less money (and diet pop... besides the point) and an hourly job would get me out of the house and put some more money in my pocket. Getting away from my coworkers is a privy I would definately pay for.

That, and there are no chicks at work.

3.25.2004

Lineage II Designs


This is the sig I made for my Lineage 2 guild, Shadow Song. I do a fair amount of logo/design work, and I am going to start posting it here.




3.24.2004

I'm onto you all.

"I think somewhere there is a secret society that teaches women emotional martial arts" - Me.

The Rents!


1. THE RUNDOWN - I guess this was a good B movie. Christopher Walken played himself, the Rock was cool I guess, Stifler was disappointing, and the jury is still out on whether Rosario Dawson is hot or not. I'm just indecisive on it.

2. GOTHIKA - Suprisingly decent. Definately had my heart pounding at a few points (jump factor). If you put any thought into it you can pretty much figure out what is going on halfway through. Only complaint is lack of scary imagery. I mean, come on guys - THE RING has set the bar... catch up.

3. BEING JOHN MALKOVICH - Okay, this was recommended to me. Ummm this movie wasn't reallly good, wasn't really bad. Just completely fucked up. I know there were massive metaphors within the different relationships between the characters... something to do with puppets. However, they just tied my brain in a knot. There was one good line in the movie though.

John Cusack's character - "This is what someone in love looks like" (Or something like that)

3.23.2004

My muse is dead.




No one finds God until they lose him
so go ahead and forsake yourself
pass the blame and ask "why?"
the only queries being in return:
Who is the king of your heart?
Emotional athiest? Resentful piety?

biased history of the victors
My role of Tragic Hero
is nothing more
than the silver lining of my villainy

Rusty eyes atrophied
overfilled soul a weak albino
pale and endentured slavery
free will being my chains
my master - the shades of grey

The best part of being invisible is that you do not have to look at yourself in the mirror.

3.19.2004

Dawn of the Dead


When hell is full... The girl from "Go", the guy from "O", and Marcellus Wallace will walk the earth...


I was highly anticipating this movie. I have a serious penchant for zombie flicks... and this one delivered. It is definately the best zombie movie ever made. Honestly 28 DAYS LATER is a better movie IMHO... However, if you want to get technical... that was an epidemic movie.

I have seen the original NIGHT/DAWN/DAY of the dead movies, very recently. The remake of DAWN was by far the best (duh) although the zombies are FAST. It's a little different from the slow moving ones of the original trilogy. In 28 DAYS LATER it made sense (ummm well the most it could in a work of fiction) because they were basically people infected with a viral rage.

What is it about zombie movies? I dunno... maybe the looting scenes do it for me. I loved RESIDENT EVIL too (loved the games)... There must be some sort of deep metaphor that I haven't discovered.

Perhaps I feel like my coworkers are zombies, and I am fighting for survival in the sea of them. For the most part, they are slow moving, not to bright, unrelenting, and they seek to do nothing more than drag you down, devour your brain, and make you one of them.

Yeah, that's gotta be it. [x]

3.17.2004

Happy Saint Patrick's Day






Right now, I am one movie into my annual St. Patty's film marathon. Boondock Saints, The Quiet Man, and Good Will Hunting.

This year, I decided to do some research on the origins of the holiday. Everyone's Irish on St. Patty's Day, but there are more reasons to celebrate than just getting wasted.

3.16.2004

You have got to be f@#$ing kidding me.



Monday morning, I woke up. I had the day off so I decided to go running.

I had made a concious decision starting this week to eat better, and be disciplined with my physical activities. MWF - Cardio/Fight Club... TTHSAT - Cardio/Work out. The mindset was there, and I was feeling good about myself.

So... Today I hurt my neck at work. I was prying on a window and felt a *POP* in the back of my neck. After that one side of my neck muscles started to spasm everytime I moved my head to the left. So I took my tools off and sat on the back of the truck for a few minutes with no change. Then I called one of my bosses who told me to call the other. They asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to go have it checked out.

Neither sounded pleased... but hey... this is my fucking neck. Ow.

So, I went to the clinic. Driving was SO fun in the snow (especially the left turns...). In the waiting room they had CAST AWAY playing on the TV, but I couldn't tilt my head up to watch. They checked it out with no x-rays and put some ice on it... Sent me home with some muscle relaxers and some Ibuprofin.

Then I have to drive home 30 minutes in a snowstorm... Making as few left turns as possible. I made it home and took the drugs (which are doing nothing) and watched CAST AWAY.

Wonderful. I'm shelved.

3.13.2004

Giving credit where credit is due.

Well, my old quake 3 clan, smack that ass ]sTa[, just celebrated it's 4th birthday. I haven't been an active member for a few years... But I was a huge part of creating it. I had started Halo 7 [h7] (#1 on the clq ladder in Q2 dm, part of the Halo Empire), which became ]sTa[ in Quake 3.

Now, the clan is 100% German now, but used to be comprised of 50% Americans. I pop in on the site for a while, translate it and check up on it every once and a while.

So, they have this 4 year review on their page and LEFT ME OUT. They mentioned the other 2 founding members (udied and zero - where are you guys?) somehow forgot about me.

Now, if I remember correctly I was the one who talked those guys into merging with us. There wouldn't even BE an ]sTa[ these days if I hadn't brought them in back then.

Anyway, you can read it at the ]sTa[ page. Translate with babelfish.

Guess I am going to have to dust off and install Quake III... get a rocket launcher and school those suckas until they remember their roots.

3.12.2004

A MUCH NEEDED UPDATE

This is a few days late.

1. My shitty night out in Ann Arbor - I agreed to go out with Nykanen to Ann Arbor with a "friend" of his and some of that friend's friends. Now - I have spent YEARS trying to blend in. That is why I got into sports, etc. Kind of being a jack-of-all-trades socialite. My personality and interests overlap different types of people... Frat/Bar/Goth/Geek... and at work... TRASH. You learn enough to get by - to not be labeled as "different". I am the kind of person who doesn't like to call attention to themselves.

Anyway one group that I learned that night that I CANNOT blend in with - Hippies. Ann Arborites who are environmentally friendly, tofu eating, second hand clothes wearing, above everything else FASCISTS. I was dressed CASUALLY and I felt OVERDRESSED. Why did this suck? Well basically I had nothing in common with the group except knowing Nykanen. Compound this with the fact that I am the DD and NOT drinking. I am just sitting there, and at one point I thought my brain was going to fall out of my head.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly easy-going guy. I'm all about the peace and love. I am really smoothe until you rub me the wrong way. I got some serious cuts from these people's abrasive personalities.

Here's the thing - and this applies to all the Hippies, G's, Punks, Goths and whatever. You want to be different? COOL - be different. However, no one is going to take you seriously if you look or act like a fucking joke. If you are over the age of 18 and wearing GARBAGE or strappy pants - GROW THE FUCK UP. Jesus fucking Christ - I hate feeling out of place when I'm NORMAL.

You know, I am the hopeless romantic/poetic kind of person. I try to see the best in people and really make an honest effort to not judge people on first impressions. I have hope for the world.

But I don't go broadcasting it by wearing all black and not showering.

I walk by HOT TOPIC and see attractive girls who would be hot if they didn't look like shit. Take the lip and eye piercings out. Take a bath.

2. Joining FIGHT CLUB - ahhh... that felt good. Well, after a year or so of not taking part (I will admit to a tiny bit of naysaying) I have joined FIGHT CLUB. Basically it is Joe and Co. doing some martial arts/fighting stuff. It wasn't that I really had anything against it, I had felt as though it wasn't for me. I was wrong. It's fun and it's free exercise. That, and it gets me out of the house... and I learn how to choke people.

Look - I'm a pacifist. I love killing people online (heh) but I don't like to see people suffer or be hurt. Also - this gives leave for people to mess with me. I have been picked on my whole life for being quiet and soft spoken. I have a passive personality and people take advantage of that. However, the thought of being able to choke this shit out of people who do so has helped me greatly.

3. My recently developed crack habit - Lineage 2 - I have started playing the beta for Lineage 2. It's a fun game, and was only 5 bucks to play (if you preorder the game you automatically get into the beta.) Just like SWG and FFXI - it's a timesink. You dump hours in, your guy gets better stuff... etc. I think I just reached the plateau in the game. So I may take some time off until retail comes out. I would rather get out of the house more anyway.

3. Underworld - Whoops, that shoulda been 4. Basically UNDERWORLD has reclaimed my "favorite band" spot. The deftones had it for a while.

The music I listen to is a direct reflection of my life and state of mind. I don't have the hate and rage that I used to anymore. I love the reflective peacefulness of UNDERWORLD. And - it's really the only thing that saved my night out last Saturday from being a total disaster... someone putting "Born Slippy" on the jukebox (which was immediately naysayed.)

3.10.2004

Something.

Once again, I find myself too tired to write.

All I know is I'm scared for tomorrow...

3.09.2004

Promises, Promises

Ok... Right now it is 11:08pm... I promise I will write something tomorrow... I need to talk about a few things.

1. My shitty night out in Ann Arbor
2. Joining FIGHT CLUB
3. My recently developed crack habit - Lineage 2
3. Underworld

3.01.2004

The wind goes right out of my sails...

So, this morning I wake up. I have the day off, so I had some things I wanted to do.

1. Clean my room, do laundry.

2. Clean out my car, get it washed.

3. Buy and air filter for my car, and get a much needed oil change.

I get up, and shower... Get dressed... then I go outside and it's RAINING. Boooo. So much for getting my car washed. As of 12:39pm I have only rinsed out the bed of my truck, and bought an air filter. I need to get on the ball.

2.27.2004

NINJA, NINJA RAP!

I was just reading a few ninja stories over at realultimatepower.net and I came across "Le Big Party" in the Ghost Stories section. The following line is an excerpt...

The ninja, having scared himself, beat his own ass in a paradoxical way.
Weapon X & The Bronto



Logan and I.


2.26.2004

The Passion

I saw THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST today...

I went to the 1pm show... and it was PACKED.

If you naysayers want an opinion, go see it yourself. You won't get one from me.

***

As a side note, I finished THE DA VINCI CODE this morning... good book if anyone wants to borrow it. Definately gives you some things to think about.

2.23.2004

F.T.W.

When did everything get so fucking lame?

Well, I am back on the diet. I am working out at 5pm. Which is great because the cabin fever is starting to set in. I am going stir crazy with nothing to do.

I am going to shave too, I promise. I have been shagging out for the past week. I look like hell.

This week look fairly promising... I have tomorrow off, and THE PASSION comes out on Wednesday. I have actually been looking forward to it for a while, and everyone else NOT wanting to see it makes me want to see it MORE. I just want to go alone, and during the day.

Besides all of that... I'm pretty pissed off right now. Ok, not pissed (I don't really ever get mad) - Severely annoyed?

So... say it with me...



Fuck the world. Fuck the naysayers. Fuck Nader.

2.22.2004

Paying it forward (KARMA BABY!)

I just quit MU ONLINE, the online RPG game I have been playing for a week or so.

When I started, I gained a few levels... Things were going slow because I didn't have any money to buy better equipment or potions. Some guy called me over (seeing that I was low level) and gave me 10k zen(y). What a nice guy...

So, later on I got to about level 25 or so and was doing pretty good for myself when I found a JEWEL OF CHAOS (a very rare item) and sold it for 700k. My money problems were gone... I bought the best equipment I could wear...

Then, on my way back to town I flagged down a n00b and gave him... you guessed it, 10k.

I played for a few days and then got fairly burnt out on the game and decided to quit. About 5 minutes ago I flagged this guy down in town and asked him what level he was. He said "Level 2" so I opened a trade window with him.

I gave him 500k and my equipment (which included some BAD ASS magic find boots) - HE FREAKED. Then he thanked me profusely... Then said "I can't wear any of this stuff" (He was too low level)

So I replied "You will be able to someday son... *pats on head*" and logged off... then uninstalled the game.

Now, you are saying "Why didn't I just give him my account?" well - dammit I dumped a week into that game to get where I was... he can too!

2.21.2004

I am zombie no. 4 - what's my motivation?

I have been sick all week. My allergies started acting up last week - playing hell with my sinuses... that hasn't left me it seems... I have been sick (head cold) for the past week. I didn't even work out at all. My diet has gone to hell...

Basically, I feel like shit and I don't feel like making my life any more uncomfortable (at least not this week).

It's 10pm-ish on saturday night and I am home... I have been home all day. I was originally planning on doing a few things this weekend, but NONE of them happend.

Last night, I wanted to go see sneak preview of THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, but I couldn't find anyone to go with.

I was supposed to go to the DIA this morning, but I didn't go... That and I didn't go see the sneak preview of STARSKY & HUTCH - I instead stayed home and read some of THE DAVINCI CODE. - and played some video games.

All of these plans, and no one to to execute them with. I am kind of disappointed. That has been this kind of week. I really wanted to get out of the house, but all I did was play video games. That is getting old too I guess with all of my accomplishments.

I beat HALO. I burnt myself out of MU online. I beat the PAINKILLER demo.

However, I am a really good at UNREAL TOURNAMENT 2004. So much so that I have retired from Raven Shield forever.

2.19.2004

yeah yeah YEAHS!

If you are going to press play "Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Wait, they don't love you like I love you...

I'm really tired, but I have to stay up and put my clothes in the dryer for tomorrow. Man I am so pissed, I made PLANS to go to the DIA tomorrow and have some lunch in greektown...

... I have to WORK. I love how I have random days off during the week, but somehow always get screwed on the weekends.

2.18.2004

The word is VOLATILE!

Things are just so calm right now... I guess without some emotional crisis to keep my mind busy I get REALLY FUCKING BORED. In this mental crisis I have to (in typical John fashion) of course take stock and overanalyze my seemingly unending series of disfunctional relationships.

Kelly - Cooled off into pretty much nothing - that spark has flared and burnt out. Third times a charm I suppose...

Jessica - Well I liked her but she has struck out on the 3 phone call rule. Her move.

Kristen - We have actually starting talking again a bit... However due to the 3 cancel strikeout last fall, the ball is also in her court.

... and I patched things up with Margarita.

I just realized - She has been in my life longer than any of the girls I know... Typically when it doesn't work out (ex's or girls that I like with boyfriends) things just - well they just end one way or another. Usually it is of my doing. I mean why keep someone in your life that represents disappointment or hurt?

She's been there for years... and I don't think that she realizes how much that means to me.

When I talked to her the other night... well for the first 10 minutes or so I just let her talk. I let her get out how angry she was at me. She was perfectly right to be mad at me.

I take her for granted sometimes. Just because I can't HAVE her doesn't mean I should kick one of my best friends to the curb. I'm just going to have to make it work...

2.16.2004

Horoscope


The absolute height of boredom.

Right now, it is 2:48am on a Monday morning. Normally I would be getting up in a few hours (5am) to go to work. I have today off of work.

It's been slow at work, so they have cut my days in half. Uncool because of the monetary impact, cool because it's fucking cold outside.

So... Here is some random fun. I love Quizno's subs... and the new commercials are GENIUS! You can see two of them at the page.




I love the deformed gerbils! They are so awesome! If you cannot get enough... check out the screensaver here. I use it. :)

2.14.2004

4th annual SINGLE PERSON AWARENESS DAY

Valentine's day? Feh.




4th annual? Has it been that long?

2.13.2004

Entertainment Calendar

Well, I have been meaning to do it for a long time - now I have written up an ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR. It is incomplete (just put in the things that came to mind). It is a list of the movies I plan on seeing, and the dvd's that I plan on buying in the future. Check it out.

2.11.2004

Something in the air...

If you're going to press play - "Nothing Song" by Sigur Ros

Something has changed...

I haven't been able to sleep for the past few days in any significant amount. Laying in my bed a few minutes ago, I was running my hand against the wall. It's hot in here, and I love the feel of the cold wall against my hands...

I just feel less embattled. That conflict is gone within my soul... After the past month, even the past few years for some reason I feel as though... I don't know how to put it.

Is this some kind of peace?

I've been fighting so long that I don't really know how to do anything other than survive. I'm just so weary these days. I'm tired of being tortured on a daily basis.

So what do I do now? It's so hard to strike a balance between memories and hope, the past and the future. I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me...

I just want to wake up ONE morning and have my heart not be so heavy. Maybe tomorrow will be that day.