[x]in all my dreams i drown

on the verge of sleep i am an artistic genious
sometimes too lazy to get up
and jot down this masterpiece
hoping the words will still be there when i wake
even though they never seem to be
or never were as good as i think i remember
halfway between being awake and unconcious
is like the montage of a spirit quest
halfway between reality and my subconcious
is where everything is connected and makes sense
halfway between the past and the future
where she was in my arms
and i could feel her heart beating
in a split second i can go from being warm and content
to cold and alone
when i wake with a start i can still feel them
they were just here a second ago
there is that split second on panic
where my heart cedes to logic
how long was ago was it?
dreams are cruel in their execution
when they have no concept of time
slumber is visiting hours
for the prison of your soul
where the things you can't let go of are locked away
whethere you want them to be or not
[x]the dysfunction of intimacy

i should have up and left 
when i learned her safeword was hello
it was in my nature to love her
even if it was unwarranted
the moment i realized i did
my heart was broken in the fall
infatuation just makes you blind
to all of the red flags
when you just want it more 
than it's meant to be
so here i am 
not even mourning the loss of her
but what went missing when she left
she robbed me of my hate
when it was all i had
she took away the darkness in me
that made me strong
the only thing i am now
is exposed
listening to the sad songs
because they don't quite break the skin
they don't leave any marks
at least none that can be seen on the surface


[x]pawns and proximity.

too often am i drunk on the prospect of love
only to sober up later
and count myself lucky
to have dodged yet another bullet
and when i'm thinking clearly
i cannot comprehend a life with any of them
hindsight makes me wonder
what made them so fucking exempt
at the time in which my standards cease to apply
too many times i've been some ploy
someone else's plot device
and i'm sick of facilitating the happiness of others
being the catalyst of their rise
i look at the lands they've settled
and all of the ways they've compromised
even as i get a sense of validation
i also get a shock of despair in realization -
how long it will be before i sell out
in fear of being alone?
when i say i have so much to give
do other people see how much there is to take?
i will hold out as long as i can
or as long as it takes -
until i find a queen that moves me like a king
and not some pawn of proximity

[x]the phoenix came down here to die.

these are the sacrifices i make for you
to be ever more vicious in my elegance
not quite painting myself in a corner
but walking in a slow spiral
playing chicken with this depression
in my absolute arrogance
i wonder who will back down first
when my heart has nothing left to lose...
don't worry, everything will be okay - i promise
this is me at my most self aware
embracing that which is killing me
and that which isn't just making me darker
my eyes are jade, my eyes are open
as i take a step into the void
and hope to somehow come out the other side
this is something i have to do
this phoenix came down here to die
villain as i am, my hand is in the fire
yet a lack of pain is what hurts the most


when the time goes by
i can no longer hate them for who they were
but for the mirrors they held
and my reflection in them
my loathing shifted to who i was
when i didn't care to escape
when i was too weak to walk away
and how naive i was
thinking it was strength that made me stay
it takes getting older, and colder
to realize now know that the reverse is true
they simply are who they are
so who is at fault
for indulging such questionable character?
yet i look at my reflection
and can see the darkness and void within
there is a huge hole in me
where everyone i have ever loved used to be
and i almost miss the pain

[x]neutral life.

i seek atonement from the fates
in vain attempt to save me from this neutral life
i have plotted and schemed with these words
every single one, weighed and measured
all the while simultaneously seeking salvation as well as sin
this is the grey path i have walked
as i have tried to have it both ways
looking for some kind of path, some kind of light
afraid this will go on forever if unbalanced
if anything, i wasn't designed to be alone
all of my karma cancelling itself out
with all these things that i've done
i have been given voice
but no cause to apply it,
no purpose save merely existing
a mindless automaton, going through the motions
my biggest downfall is the inability to compromise
yet failing to reconcile
the coldness of my logic
with the heat of my passions
nothing matters if i am bereft of love
to show me the value of everything i have
but until that day
i will just sit here with the habit of dividing by zero
and sounding like a broken record


[x]what was my shadow.

i met what was my shadow
when she plucked me from the plenty of fish in the sea
the moment i made her smile
i couldn't wait to see her again
and when she left for the night
she stayed with me just the same
and i swear the next day, my head was in the clouds
or at least a little closer
every step i took felt like it was an inch off the ground
until i finally saw her again
and then all i could do was spell the word smitten for her
and you know what?
she guessed it too
she was right there with me...
and for a split second i found a rare balance
and all was right in the world
my present included somewhat of a bright future
like the sun had finally come out
yet when it did
my shadow was gone


[x]Year In Review 2011

All these things that I've done...


It's been a while since I've actually posted a non-poem entry. Actually, it's been a year since my last YIR.

Much has changed. New job, new car, new game, new computer, new DOG (More on that later)...


On the relationship front, a good amount happened this year.

Other than continuing my policy of not dealing with girls that start with an "Alice" sound in their name (They are the devil) - it served me pretty well in 2011.

When we last left off in 2010, I was in love with a girl named Julie, and was planning on moving back to MI to be with her (And everyone else) in March. Well, we broke up at the beginning of February. The strain of a long distance relationship just took it's toll, and I am sure depending on who you ask we might have conflicting stories about what happened. Needless to say I think we were in different places (In more ways than one) and she's moved on to another relationship. I hope she's happy and that this person values her. I do miss her. At this point we hardly speak.

My ex Jessica also came back into my life for a short span. We had been talking on the phone for a while after not speaking for a good amount of time. She was going through a rough patch and I was trying to be a friend, and I like to think that I was helping her out. When I went home to Michigan in May we were able to spend some time together. I would be lying if I said this contact didn't rekindle some feelings for her, but it was all for naught. Eventually talks broke off, and the last I heard from her in July was that she was dating someone and in a "Christian Relationship" - whatever the hell that is. So, good luck with that too.

Other than that, Michelle and I have hung out a few times over the past few months. We went to the dog park, HHN, and then dinner one night. It was never under the premise of dating again, we were just trying to hang out as friends. Personally, I think we hit it off pretty well this time around. She's one of the few purely benevolent and well-meaning people that I know, and I saw something in her that I didn't necessarily see the first time we were dating and lived together. It's hard to look back on that time period in retrospect, because I was a complete mess. I was just destroyed and I think it's ridiculous to expect her to pick up the pieces. At that time, I had no business dating anyone. I did love her, but something in me couldn't quite turn the corner with it - it just felt like it was there but far away at the same time. It was there for us, but it was something that I had to grow into, or maybe heal enough into. I mean, two girls both banging other dudes when dating them (In a row, see the "Alice" comment above) - I guess it's a tall order for anyone to overcome anyway. I recall the time we lived together fondly, but sadly it just wasn't meant to be.

I will admit, after we had dinner one night, I was pretty shocked to see her FB status update to "In a relationship". Like I said, I didn't really have an ulterior motive for hanging out with her, but I have to confess it did sting a bit. Okay a lot. Funny thing is I always imagined certain people in my past would feel the same sting if they found out I was with someone and happy.

So, I start 2012 single yet again. Sweet. I would like to think that a 33 year old with a steady job, a car, reasonably good looking, articulate, disease-free, etc. would be in demand, but apparently not. I refuse to settle. More on that in the future.


So, with all that said. Creatively I am devoid right now. There is no poetry in my brain, and I haven't written anything in a long time. I don't even have any scraps to work with. It's pretty bad when you are using the LACK OF INSPIRATION as INSPIRATION, and now even that well has gone dry. I miss going to my poetry meetings, which I haven't been able to attend...

I plan on going back to actually WRITING for this page and will hopefully get around to fixing it. So, we'll see.


Barnes and Noble decided to outsource ALL of their digital support overseas. Soon after I agreed to transfer to Napster for support, but had already been hired at my new job...

I work for -C o m c a s t- now doing tech support, and I work 3:30pm until 12:00am midnight, every day but Thursdays and Sundays. Basically I work in a call center. I like my job and personally I think I am good at it, but not in the way that they want me to be. In that regard I'm actually not very good at my job, and I have the impression that I suck at it. Some people get into a flow and they can meet all the metrics and stats the company requires. I just like helping people. My specialty would be helping the 90 year-old grandma program her remote for her TV. All of my quality and surveys are great (People love me) - but I find it almost impossible to:

1. Look up someone's account
2. Listen to their issue
3. Attempt to fix their issue
4. Wait for box/modem/router/computer to reset and see if the problem is fixed
5. Answer any additional questions
6. Attempt to sell them something
7. Leave notes to document the call

... all in 9 minutes and 28 seconds - 6.5 "Calls per productive hour" - To be honest that is pretty fucking ridiculous. Yet there are people who do this on a consistent basis. Many of the metrics are really luck of the draw when you break them down (First all resolution, customer surveys, etc) - The system is designed to make people fail, and it has made me loath to continue working in a call center. Sometimes the only thing you do wrong is answer the phone. I am trying to transfer to another part of the company (I love the company, just not the call center) - I love helping people, but that is not what the company wants from me. They want me to get them off the phone as fast as possible. So, one way or another this will be my last call center. I am hoping to get a better schedule (Days) come March, and if I do not, well I may need to re-examine what I am attempting to do with this place. I have checked the job postings but there isn't much around here in Orlando.


At one point, I had lost 30+ lbs this year. Most of that is still gone, but I have gained some back over the holidays (Sad face) - I got really sick at one point and I had to up my caloric intake. This year should be better once my diet gets back to normal.


On the home front, I moved twice this year. Out of the apartment in Orlando near Universal to Apopka, then back to Orlando. I live there for a few months, and it ended up being too stressful (Pot smoke and domestic disputes aren't for everyone) and too far away (1 hour commute one way) to my job. I moved back to Orlando in August. Apopka was in the absolute middle of nowhere. I like where I live now.


I got Cody from someone on Craigslist in February. I knew that I was going to be moving out the apartment and that Michelle would be taking her dog Chewy with her - I had grown pretty attached to him so I needed one of my own. Best $40 (Rehoming fee) that I ever spent.

It wouldn't be a stretch to say I wouldn't have made it without him. He's been the glue holding me together this year. I love him so much, he's such a good dog.


Well, I think last year was a transitional year for me. Many things stabilized that had been chaotic before hand. I complain about my job but at least it's a steady paycheck. I really like the company but I have to get out of the call center. It's killing me.

I am really looking forward to the movies in 2012. Should be a great year for film.


1. Get some kind of direction. Any nudge would be great.
2. Get healthier, I laid the groundwork for losing more weight and feeling better overall. I need to cut down on the Red Vines :)
3. Figure this job thing out. Get out of a call center - somehow, someway.
4. Find someone. There is only really one girl that I know right now that I would date (yes, you) - but I might need to meet someone else who I don't know yet.
5. Let things go. I need to let many loose plot threads in my life go.