[x]These conversations kill.
If you are going to press play - "Big Empty" by STONE TEMPLE PILOTS Time to take her home, her dizzy head is conscience laden
time to take a ride, it leaves today, no conversation
Last night Jessica and I broke up. It's not really anyone's business why, so I won't go into the details. This is just something to mark the occasion.
I will say one thing - It's a shame. We had been dating just under two months, and after the way everything went in the beginning... I was completely smitten with her. I think both of our lives, the background static... Just kind of evaporated into some kind of euphoria, and for a while it didn't matter.
In every relationship there is strain. Ours was no exception. Sometimes some of that background static bleeds through. It's unavoidable when you put two people together who have been seriously hurt in the past. A few weeks in it started.
The night of my sister's rehearsal dinner - we had a conversation and I could tell she was struggling with it. The kind of struggle I was having as well within, yet was not yet revealing. I closed my eyes in my truck as I sat there in the parking lot. I wasn't crying but I could feel the tears rolling down my face... As if somewhere far away beyond all the defense mechanisms and numbness it was getting through.
We agreed to see eachother in person afterwards. When I was there, face to face - I looked into her eyes and had one thought - We are going to fall apart under our own weight.
For lack of details - this is pretty much what happened.
In one of her emails to me lately she used the phrase "Squeezing a year long relationship into two months" - and I agree. Too much, too fast. I think this is the only relationship I have ever been in that hasn't had a one-sided ending. This is just what's best, regardless of how either of us feel. Like I said it's a shame.
She offered to be friends, and I refused. Not being cold - I am just done fighting those hopeless battles. There is no going back... Doing so would do nothing but insult what we had, and just keep the rainclouds over us that much longer when we are both looking for our own ways back into the sunlight.
But, for the record - It does hurt.