YIR theme song "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant
Life's to short to even care at all...
As I type some of this I am in Michigan currently. After 7 years here in Florida I can finally confirm it - this isn't my home anymore. This place is a cemetery and my family/friends are the caretakers. There is nothing for me here besides them. In my wandering this year it occurred to me that I always end up driving by the the same places, every time I go to Michigan. The house/city that I grew up in, where I almost proposed to someone, where I went to school, etc. I visit these places almost subconsciously like graves.
Regret is something I have thought a lot about a lot leading up to the end of this year, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't carry much anymore. It used to make up a big part of who I was.
It's human nature to carry regret, and I am as flawed as anyone else (Maybe even more so). True regret means you are willing to sacrifice everything you have to go back and take another shot. I am no longer willing to do so. I know now everything up to this point has played out the way it was always meant to. Do I wish a few things would be different? Sure. I wouldn't trade my life for any other version of me. Being here in Michigan - there are about 2-3 moments in my life that could have changed everything. Not asking her to marry me, deciding to move to FL, and sticking with that decision.
THE FEELS - I did pretty well this year emotionally, until I had a setback. With Robin Williams passing there was more of a focus on what depression can do to people. It still escapes me how someone so beloved took his own life. I know what it is like to have crippling depression, and it is something I deal with every single day. Some days are better than others, and if it's something you are lucky to not have in you will never understand. With Robin Williams - with all the laughter, joy, and love that he brought to this world - my heart goes out to a man who was so backed into a corner emotionally that he couldn't go on. It's been bad for me, but never that bad. It's a shame and the world is a colder and darker place without him. I really truly hope you find peace in whatever comes after this world.
I have never before cried at a lost celebrity (and I'm not crying now, I swear), but his loss absolutely ruined me for a few weeks. It's very sad. I mean, how can there be any hope for the rest of us if ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS couldn't go on?
THE WOMEN/THE WORDS - Earlier in the year I made a decision to give anything I write to the person it was for. I wrote a series of poems "The middle of the alphabet" and a few others. The poems really turned out to be some of my favorites. One of the poems cost me a friend, but I think there were underlying issues anyway. I don't expect everyone to understand the role of the muses in my life. I don't have to be pursuing someone for them to inspire me. Some people flatter themselves and make blanket assumptions, but they are neither in my head nor my heart.
My writing ledger is clear now. I even went back and finished a few poems because I wanted certain people to have their poems. They deserved them.
I haven't dated anyone seriously in a few years now. That should bother me but it doesn't. I guess I got by on pulling different aspects from the various women in my life. Beauty, intelligence, benevolence, etc. When you put it all together the sum was greater than the individual parts. I know it's pathetic, but it was had to suffice. My focus was mainly on my job this year.
Over the last year or so many of the women in my life have gotten engaged/married, entered into relationships, had children, or simply moved on/away from my life. I am happy for them. Most of these connections I have simply let go. Well, more like stopped holding on to.
There are some still around - The crush, the impossible girl, and the exercise in restraint.
MVP of the year - Terry Barnett. Thank you for everything that you have done for me this year. I think Terry is one of the few people that really "Get" me. He understands that I cannot help my Ego or OCD, and is there when I need to vent about work. He has helped me get through a lot work-wise this last year, and has facilitated growth within my person and company.
THIS YEAR/LAST YEAR - I'm not going to do the typical last year review and resolutions. I just want to try and be a better person, take better care of myself (Lose some weight) - and try to find a way out of this loneliness. I've started to build a foundation for my life by myself, because I am not sure that I am ever going to find someone.
I need to fix some things about me. My skin is not my own.