[x]Year in review 2008.

Relevant - "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve

Well I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees yeah...

"Plan B in the Land of Misfit Toys"

I am starting this on Monday, because i think that I have more to say than time will allow. This entry is one of the more popular ones I would presume. I wouldn't want to disappoint you. I am working on Wednesday (New Year's Eve) and then heading to Disney with Noel afterward, so I need to get this done ahead of time.

This year was a transitional one, because I completely changed my life around…

PART I - The past

There was a lot of closure this year. I finally closed the door on every single female issue that I had up in Michigan. I have been freed of every ghost that I have ever let haunt me, even Sarah. Yes, I do know is that it was a long time coming, what I don't is why. I guess she was the bar that I had unfairly set everyone else against.

I feel the need to address the last two women in my life, sort of a post-game. Neither warrant dedication in the future, although they may be mentioned in passing.

Jessica - We haven't spoken in months. However I wouldn't put it past you to be reading this out of morbid curiosity. If there was any thought that I wanted to leave with you - remember how it was this time last year, and the plans that we had. You and I were in love and we had the plan. We were both extremely happy in our relationship. My family adored you and took you in quickly.

When you end a relationship, it’s polite to say that you always say that you want someone to be happy. In a karma/positive energy sort of way, I really do. That comes with the caveat of working both ways as she truly wounded me. I truly hope you find someone to make you happy BUT - I want you to remember what you gave up and why. I’ll leave it at that.

If you love something let it go..... The old adage says. I let you go, and you never came back. It wasn't meant to be.

One more thing – Thanks for everything.

Margarita – It’s been a year since we last spoke. I have reached out to you several times, to no avail. I have either caused too much damage to move on, or our friendship wasn’t worth fixing. Maybe both, because I know there isn’t anything further that I could say that you don’t already know.

One more thing – I’ll always remember, and you will too.

Part II - The present

I cannot believe I have been in Florida a year. It doesn't feel like it, to be honest. Every time I become aware of my surroundings, it still feels new to me. I have always been such a homebody, and only once lived outside of a 1 hour radius for two weeks in Ohio.

I have kept myself too busy and focused to let homesickness set in.

So, am I better off this year than last? In short - yes. I do miss the money I made at TAG but I do not miss the stress level and sheer exhaustion of it. I took a huge pay cut when I moved down here, but I do not wake up every day so exhausted. Honestly it wasn’t worth it.

It’s been a rough year, financially. My bills have all been paid, and I have a little left over to survive.

Part III - The future

I have a year behind me at EBG, and I like to think I have risen fairly quickly. I am eager to see how the next month or so plays out, to really cement my direction with the company. Hopefully soon I will earn a raise, which will give me a little more money to play around with and make progress. I didn’t move down here to be poor.

I like the company as much as I will let myself, and have made quite a few friends out of my co-workers. Complete contrast from the majority of the people I used to work with at TAG.

Hopefully our roommate crisis will be fixed soon. We had the fourth person on the lease up and leave us out to dry starting this month, and we are locked in until March.

How did I do on last year's resolutions?

1.Make it work – I did the best I could with what I had down here. Can't complain too much.
2.Shed some vices/Be healthier – I gave up World of Warcraft for the better part of the year after cashing out. However, I am back in the fold now with the expansion (Just for the content, I swear). I wish I would have eaten better, but I didn't.
3.Let myself be happy and loved – Well, Jessica and I didn't quite work out, however I believe I was transformed by the experience. I found out many things about myself over the last year.
4.Put the dark side to use – It's amazing what putting the dead to rest with do for you.
5.Let the wit win – I have won over a good amount of people down here with my wit.
6.Write more – I wrote a ton this year, and have a few projects brewing.

January – Move to Florida, Start at EBG. Mike introduces me to BSG.
February - Banking issues, Electrolytes are what the matrix craves.
March – Creative streak, new Counting Crows.
April – Deadpixel.org becomes Johnnybronto.com, Jessica and I break up, words ensue. The family comes to visit.
May – I turn my Fusion (Damien) in, Fly home to get my Focus (Lucid), Jessica and I give it another shot. Epic fail. She wants revenge (It's a double!) and then I want and get revenge too.
June – Caffeine withdrawal and rampant insomnia.
July – I cash out of WOW. The dark knight is awesome.
August – The art of love goes private.
September – The pirates cruise, we give it one more shot. Epic fail again.
October – EBG plague victim, sick the whole month. The crow said don't look, and I do.
November – I throw a party for the masses and feed them grilled cheese. Thanksgiving at the castle.
December – I fly home for a quick jaunt with the fam and friends. My fantasy football team - The Detroit Expansion Team (AKA Detroit Pretty Princess) wins the EBG championship. Joe has written an awesome book based on my old D&D character. Full of Win! EBG promotion to special events.

I will keep a better record next year, I swear.

New Year's Resolutions 2009

1.Write more - Hopefully I will get my first screenplay “Reps” (based upon my experiences of the past year) done sometime soon. I have my visual epic “Syren” in the works as well my first book of poetry “A Wound Before Armor”.
2.Lose some weight/be healthier – Going from working construction to a corporate office, I packed on a few pounds (Okay a little more than a few). I turned 30 and I have to get on top of my health because the warranty is over. I would really like to lose 40+ pounds, or more through exercise and better eating. I am giving up soda (pop) too and drinking water. I really want to slim down.
3.Do more with the website – I think I am going to approach my page this year as more of a multimedia and photo journal. With things like youtube and flikr, there is no reason why I cannot share what I am up to and what I am listening to.
4.Start the podcast – Mike and I want to start a show for movie reviews and discussion. We spent a good part of year brainstorming for it, and now we need to get it going.
5.Try to play WoW sparingly. I have been a bit burned out on MMO's this year, and I tried Age of Conan and Warhammer Online. Both were fun in the beginning just because they were different, but ran out of gas quickly. I am playing WoW again for the new stuff, but I doubt I will ever be as hardcore as I used to be about any game.
6.Get more out of EBG – I really busted my ass to make a name for myself in the company, and hopefully this year it will start to pay off.

So, that is pretty much it. Here we go 2009.



[x]Vacation (to home).

Relevant - "Goodnight, Travel Well" by the Killers (Day & Age)

Every time you fall
And every time you try
Every foolish dream
And every compromise
Every word you spoke
And everything you said
Everything you left me,
rambles in my head

Less than 12 hours from now, I will be back in Michigan. From what I hear it has been about 25 degrees with snow. Compare that with the 66 degrees it is now outside here in Florida.

How do I feel about going home? I'm pretty anxious, because this has been a long time coming. I haven't seen my family in the better part of a year, and it's been even longer for my friends. I miss them so much, and with my guard down and my focus homeward I'm getting pretty homesick down the stretch. I know they miss me, too. I'm so excited that I doubt I will be able to crash tonight (which might be good - flight is at 8:30am and I would rather sleep through the flight). I can't wait to eat some of my mom's cooking.

Monday I am going to have a little get together at boomers for my friends. Will be nice to see them, as well. I have missed them greatly. They are the only good memories I have left there.

However, there is always a catch. The air will have grown cold when I return, and I know as I breathe it in, some things will have changed. My family and friends will be the only warm thing left in that state. Everything else will be the barren wasteland of a graveyard that I left it. I have many bad memories.

Last time I was in Michigan to pick up my car, Jessica and I were broken up but we decided to see each other anyway. We spent some time together and talked some things out - there was a spark, which led to us getting back together (albeit inconsistently), which led to us going on the cruise. I still remember when she broke, which in turn broke me...

No such luck this time. Michigan is devoid of anything remotely resembling an romantic emotional attachment. All of those ghosts have been put to rest. Artistically it's pretty much dead to me. My soul is haunted there. Even now one of my last phone conversations with her, asking if I was going to call - echoes in my mind.

I wish I could take all of my loved ones and relocate them down here.

I've let go of so much this year, so many things that I thought were sustaining me. So many things ended, one after the other. God I wish I could explain how I feel.

December has always been the month of goodbyes.


[x]...the more they stay the same.

This has been a weird month. Hard to put it into words really. It feels like that special effect in cinema where someone moves in real-time, while a crowd speeds past in fast forward. That is the best description that I can come up with. I watch life and everyone around me as they go about their lives, like some sort of human ant farm. I like to think that I can see most of every one's intricate inner workings, and the contrast of their relationships to one another. I like to think I see people in a light that most do not.

My intuition rarely fails me, if ever.

It's my ability to be fairly objective about myself that has been my saving grace. I probably spend as much time looking in as I do looking out.

I tend to draw like-minded souls to me, as do most people. However, I have discovered there is an additional filter to those I keep close to me. Emotional capacity and compatibility. None of the people who I could consider my close friends are selfish, and most are fairly compassionate. We do what we can to get by, and we try to take care of each other... or at least offer to. We may differ in our respective views, but we agree to disagree, and do not let it affect us. I have VASTLY different social, political, philosophical, and religious views (which I keep to myself for now).

There is a counter-balance to this though. I am drawn to certain archetypes of women as well, and though 1200 miles from Michigan, I find myself in some disappointingly familiar situations, even here in Florida. Which is a feat in itself, being that I haven't even been here a year yet.

Impossible muse? Check.

Crush on the girl with the boyfriend? Check.

Wasting my affections on a waste of time? Check.

Why does this happen to me? I think there are certain shortcomings in my soul. Holes that need to be filled in my heart. I will always find a muse because I need that spiritually and artistically. I will always have the crush because I will always want most what I cannot have. I catch myself wasting my affections on those undeserving as well... which I usually chalk up to being a proximity thing. Not sure why I even bother. I think I am better than that.

I can help having the wasted affection and the crush, but I will never be able to help having a muse. I always seem to find some amazing girl around, where I see an amazing beauty inside and out that no one quite pays attention to. I knew it immediately when I met her.



For anyone interested - I will be back in Michigan from early Sunday, December 7th, until late on Tuesday, December 9th. This will be the only opportunity that I will have to see friends and family for the holidays this year.

I plan on having a small get-together at B.BOOMER's in Allen Park on Monday night. Call me for details.



Relevant - "The Torch Song" by Shady Bard (From the ground up)

Save me.

In 15 minutes it will be November 17th, and my 30th birthday. I will officially be out of my twenties, and officially my "Youth" will be over. Relatively speaking, of course. I spent about half of the last decade hiding, then the other half trying to make up for a life that I was never meant to lead... I guess it makes sense the older I get, having more to reflect on.

I don't feel 30.

Last night I had my party, which I think was a success (2/2). I made about 5 loaves of bread's worth of my world famous grilled cheese, which went over extremely well. Only one near-miss incident for the record, and everyone got home safe. I call that a win.

Thanks go out to Noel, because I couldn't have done it without him.

It's funny how you can feel the most lonely when you are surrounded by people. Pretty much ALL of my friends down here were there. It was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves.

This was a victory, but it still feels hollow when you have no one to share it with. When I watched the last person leave, and I was the last person standing, I was really lonely. I suppose the timing of the whole thing, or even the person set it off... When I shut the door it just hit me. I miss that connection of loving someone.

I'm more in control of my emotions now than I have ever been. But I am still drawn to people. Even when I do my best to hide it, and I can feel it just under the surface... I know they could see it in my eyes if they chose to look. Which scares me.

She says I thought we were all past this
I tell myself no
I say no
I just feel more guilty
And once again, I watch her leave

Redemption to detail
I will rise
when I figure out
how to forgive myself
for what I haven't done



Relevant - "Same Mistake" by James Blunt (All the lost souls)

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make, the same mistake, again

I need to write this, to spell it all out. I need to see it in front of me for it all to make sense. Writing has always been how I cope, because I have nothing else. I always give you 100% when I commit something here. I don't know how to do it halfway.

This past week or so I have been ravaged (and I use that term lightly) by the Flu. My lungs feel like they are lined with lead from all of the coughing. I am having trouble talking on the phone, even though it's my job. The worst has past, I believe, but I still have a few days of working this out of my system.

Lately, I have been feeling really isolated. Obviously I don't want to expose my friends down here to what I have (even though I probably got it from them) but there is just something more. After this whole mess with Jessica I really turned myself inward to figure out who I am anymore. There are people around, but yet internally I feel as though I am walking through some barren, dystopian reality. This reverse eden. I've been struggling, and even more so wanting to know why.

I love her. I love her still, and to be honest I don't think I have stopped loving her since we met. The other day I was shaving and I noticed the small scar I still have under my lip, where years ago I cut myself while not paying attention at work. I was so smitten after one of our early dates and how perfect it was, I couldn't even concentrate. I could still feel that kiss on my cheek, I swear.

It's so hard to love someone, and to be so utterly defeated that you can't even summon up the courage to say goodbye. The last time she called, I saw "beep" on my caller ID (that's her, inside joke) and just stared at it until it went to voicemail. I didn't even listen to it until later, because I knew that was going to be it. Like I could somehow delay the inevitable.

She's moving on. She has a date. She wishes me the best. etc. etc. etc. I always say that if you don't leave the knife in, they can't twist it. Easier said than done, because I can feel the hole in me as I live and breathe. She has hurt me, gravely and utterly.

I don't think she ever knew, but I loved her so fiercely that I bore every single wound she gave me without even flinching. I can never express the faith of being so sure, because you or she would never understand.

It's an odd thing for me, for my logic to tell me that she is the one who quit on me, and my heart telling me that I was the one who disappointed her. Logic dictates that it is necessary that I am here. My heart tells me it was stupid to leave when I had someone finally who I could have spent the rest of my life with. Love is nothing but open wounds that you bear for each other.

Looking at my phone when she called the last time, I felt the same detachment that I felt the first time we broke up years ago. I remember I was sitting on Joe's couch on Sunday when she called, and me saying "If that's what you want" in response. The same detachment when she broke up with me months ago. The same detachment when we got into a fight on the cruise.

It was the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows, yet I take solace in the face that somehow I maintained consistency in my feelings for her. Maybe she never knew. I realized on the cruise that we operate on a completely different set of emotional spectrum.

The thing is, I never had the heart to fight with her. Call me a coward for that, but I just loved her so much that I couldn't bring myself to even fathom hurting her. Now I have realized that I never did. All I did was love her, and she was the one who let that hurt. It killed me to disappoint her, which by final verdict is probably what I did by moving.

It's all moot now, and will be after this. She just never saw me sit around at work or wherever and just feel good inside. The many times I could catch myself smiling, literally feeling it on my face. Just feeling happy for once that there was someone out there that loved me. Content. I don't think I could ever express, even with my vocabulary, how absolutely huge that was for me. I actually let someone else in.

The difference, I now realize, is that she was never content in our relationship, and she put a lot of that on me. The thing is, how I felt about her has never even so much as wavered. I guess this is something she never saw in me. Which is a shame.

In one of the last conversations we will ever have, she asked me to move home. She told me that it may or may not work if I did. I told her no. I had offered previously to move home if that would have saved us, because we were both having a hard time being so far apart. I meant it too, at the time. However her "sell" of the whole thing just broke me, right then and there.

This last time, when she asked me... this was when I finally surrendered. I had realized that she had taken everything that that I had to give and beaten it out of me. You can only break a heart so many times before there are too many pieces to glue it back together. I suffer detachment as a defense mechanism.

It's hard to walk around, so defeated. To know you gave it all you had, and have it not be good enough. Knowing you love someone and not being able to be with them any longer. It has happened before to me, yet never in a situation where I have forced myself to withdraw. People break up, but this was like self-imposed exile.

I've run out of answers, and the fight in me is gone. I don't even know where we could go from here, even if we were in the same place. I wanted the world for her and I, yet I find now I have nothing left to give.

Necessity is the mother of invention. You cannot be reborn until you die. You cannot rally unless you are being defeated. This is who I am now.


[x]The crow said don't look!

Relevant - "To Heal" by Underworld (Oblivion with bells)

Something happened today. I would like to think after so long that I would have been prepared, yet the scope of this has overwhelmed me. Due to the numbness I would say my defense mechanisms are firing just fine. The last door I left (slightly cracked) in Michigan just closed.

The best metaphor for all of this would be slowly working up an immunity to some lethal poison that you know someday you'd have to take.

I knew this was coming. I'm a mess right now, because there are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions running through me. Which, due to recent events, pretty much takes precedence over this whole last month in the grand scope of things... How trivial had I let things become?

So, thank you for that, at least.

Even as I am writing this, I can feel something break within me. I used to know what love really felt like, I used to know passion and fire. How long have I been gone? All of a sudden this whole last decade has just snapped into focus for me. Physically, emotionally, and artistically I feel like I have been on the outside looking in.


such a strange world
to lay this final ghost to rest
the rites are my reprieve
this mind over matters
numb and logic
my saving grace

a familiar reality
that was never meant to exist
i'll give that happiness back
to that other version of me
i don't need it anymore

nights like this
the loneliness
under a magnifying glass
in the sun i'll be ashes

i just had to know
even though
we are dealt only so much soul
yet i spend a third
when the murder told me not to look

even as the void embraces me
it has to look away
it may or may not be okay it says
i won't say i told you so
but i'm here for you
if you need me
my old friend
as it shoves me back into the light

i've always felt
if pull this last dagger i'll bleed out
as i take it out i wonder
did this damn or save me?
i don't know
am i finally trapped
or finally free
the only thing left within
burning with a long lost roar
this november blood


[x]De-evolve, and Co-Ex-ist.

Relevant - "Obstacle 1" by Interpol (Turn on the bright lights)

It's different now that I'm poor and aging, I'll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck

It's in the way that she posed,
it's in the things that she puts in my head
Her stories are boring and stuff.
She's always calling my bluff.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
I said she puts the weights into my little heart.

It's in the way that she walks
Her heaven is never enough
She puts the weights in my heart
She puts, oh she puts the weights into my little heart.


So I have decided that I want to get out there and find someone. The thing is, I know there is a certain amount of time and preparation that needs to go by before I am ready. When you spend so long co-existing in a relationship (or at least the semblance of one) - you adopt a duality of identity. You are not defined by who you are anymore, as you evolve into a hybrid of a shared personality.

When that's all over, that former partnership isn't who you are. You have to devolve and redefine/re-establish yourself as an individual. No one wants someone who is on the "rebound" per se (well maybe some do), and to be honest I think I would be cheating them if I brought baggage into something new. That duality is not who I am anymore. All of the accounts, emotional and otherwise - need to be settled befor a new venture. I need to be my own person. I need to make sure that I am free.

I know if I wanted to, I could go out and find someone to "pass the time", but really - what's the point? I have too much respect for women, too much respect for MYSELF. They deserve better of me, and I of them. I am a much more attractive person, inside and out - when I am not saddled with the ghosts of disappointment. I wear it all on my sleeve, and sometimes I just don't want people to see. There is a difference in telling yourself that you are ready, and believing/knowing that you are ready. My life has become more and more about faith, coupled with logic. My hands are steady, and there is no trace of the erratic.

So, lately - I have been diving headlong back into writing, novels, music, and cinema. These are my first loves, and they never fail to inspire. Sometimes you just have to rediscover what defines you as an individual, so you can then find what similar interests are shared with others. I have recently discovered that you need more than "having eachother in common".

Emotionally, I no longer desire to look back at where I've been. I just need to look ahead to where I am going.


[x]Terms of my surrender.
I'll let you have the last word
to let your contempt be a catalyst
defeated as I am
my silence
will be the terms of my surrender


[x]Mind over matters.

Relevant - "Another Door Closes" by Jont

Oh can't you see we're all crashing, in slow mo
Holding to this wheel we know
What's the use, don't want to be sleeping too long
Why can't we try to fly ourselves back to an old skin
Making do is no way to live
What's the use, we're only here
Then we're gone, gone, gone

Events seems to align themselves, sharing tones in myopic terms. Sometimes I don't know which way is up, when I have to balance what is with what could be. You figure the opposite of an upward slope is a downward spiral... These are the times when I feel those cancel each other out. I need someone to calibrate my empathy, lately I'm not sure why I feel what I feel, or lack thereof. My words are read, but do you really understand them?

your words
and my defense wounds
if anything i hide it too well
your words still hurt
though for my sake i cannot concede
i can't give in
because you'll never understand
how you've left me bloodied
how hard it is to know that i still love you
and have to say goodbye



Relevant - "Lost!" by Coldplay (Viva La Vida)

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost

I promised myself that I wouldn't drag the negative energy down here with me when I moved. When I did decide to move to Florida, right around this time last year - my life was all of a sudden filled with positive energy and hope for the future. For the first time in my life, I started to look forward, instead of looking back. I had the support of my family and friends, because I think deep down they knew this was best for me. Jessica and I had gotten back together, with the plan of her moving down here after getting sorted up there. Needless to say she didn't quite make the finish line.

I swear to God every day I can't believe I'm in Florida. It's been 9+ months and I am still here. This is the longest I have ever been away from home, in my entire life. Sometimes I grow so homesick that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I miss my family so much that just writing this chokes me up. I know they miss me so much, and I carry around the guilt of not getting to see my nephews and niece grow up. God I miss them so much. Every time I get to talk to Logan or Ariel on the phone, or even David (not quite the talker yet) it tears me apart. I doubt I will ever have children... but I always took solace in watching them grow up. Now I will never be able to do even that. I just hope they don't forget me and how much I love them. I really hope David grows up to know that he has an uncle Johnny too.

In the wake of what I've sacrificed, I still believe I'm here for a reason. My motto has been "Life's all about having things to look forward to" and I keep myself busy. Work keeps me mentally busy, and I try to fill as much of the day as possible with whatever I can to not let myself dwell on everything. It's how I get through the day. Noel, Mike, My work friends, the Bartons... it helps having people around who care about you here. I wouldn't be able to this on my own, so thanks to all of you. Especially to Noel. Who would have though my unofficial little brother would carry me so far?

So, day to day - mostly I am fine. Lately, I have lost my way. I still stumble, I still look back. Especially over the last few weeks with Jessica, she has surely tested my faith. There's just so much more at work in the grand scope of things, and that is what I believe in. You have to have faith that regardless of your sins and failures, that you can find redemption somewhere.

I have always been a believer in signs. I believe in many things, including Karma. I have seen it happen, trust me. I have never gone into my religious beliefs here (don't worry I am sure one day I will) but faith has always been a part of me. I believe because my intuition has never failed me. It's my gift.

The thing is, they are always there and most times I like most do not pay them any heed.

I don't really pray (save for a few occasions) in the traditional sense. I have these one-way conversations with myself, where I try to work things out logically. These are held when I am driving around, or laying in bed at night (Believe me, it's less weird than it sounds) - and usually whatever it is is left out there for the fates to decide.

About two months ago, I was completely lost. Work was just treading water, I was horribly homesick, and extremely lonely. I was beginning to fall into some of my old habits of hiding again, and not taking care of myself.

One night I was lying in bed, and I just started to have this mental conversation on whether I should stay, or move home. I tried to weigh the pros and cons of both, and was left completely torn down the middle. I just needed a nudge, one way or the other...

The next day, I won the cruise. Which was at that time was a month or so in the future. Boom - a reason to stay, even if just for a little longer. Something to look forward to. Honestly, I didn't even try to win that contest, I just happen to.

When I asked Jessica to go, it just felt right - and necessary. I could never justify up until she actually got here other than "It's something I thought she would enjoy" but looking back I see now why I did bring her. Funny, because no one approved (especially my mom) of my decision (being that we had the messy breakup beforehand) but I didn't even flinch. I didn't know it at the time, but this was my way of seeing if there was anything left in our relationship. There isn't. This was to remind me why we aren't together. It's sad, and I do love her - but it had all run its course, and now it's time for the both of us to move on. I wish her nothing but the best, because she deserves to, and will - find happiness. I just had to know for sure, and now I do.

The latest of the signs stems from my favorite song of all time - "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle. I have been in love with this song since I first heard it around 2001. Around that time, I got the APC cd for free for working for Border's in the music department. Coincidence? The song always makes me feel better when I listen to it, and the "You don't see me, you don't see me at all" lines I can especially relate to.

Sometimes, you just have to look for the signs. How about this one, (3) of the most beautiful girls I have ever met and worked with - Shelley, Andrea, and Jessica - have 3 consecutive birthdays this week, the 14th, 15th, and 16th. 3 libras in the same place, at the same time... all a part of my life as friends.

How's that for a sign?


[x] The new muse

The thing about a muse is,  
they inspire you out of desire -
because what you always want most
is that which you can never have
I believe I have found a new muse... though I am going to keep this one secret.  There's no telling how deep the damage could be.
"Replacement" doesn't really work in meaning, though it does in function.  I'm going to move on from the former, because there's nothing left to say, let alone write.  It's been almost a year since we have last spoken.
I have spent the last few days wondering what it is about a girl that inspires me...  It is the wanting to rise above and be a better person.  It's the attraction, or the impossibility of the whole thing.  She's the most beautiful girl I have ever met.  So much so that I find myself intimidated, for the first time in my life.
I'm completely fascinated.



[x]Cruise II - photos.

I now have some of the pictures I took while on the cruise up on my FLIKR account.


[x]Cruise I - poetry.

we begin and end in the familiar
with you when you leave
i send my heart home with you
to keep it away
safe and detached
the only way i'll make it here
is if i do not need it

you could never
leave me to my ignorance
and i'm sorry
that i can't make you understand
the scope of my bliss
and how huge it was
to find myself redeemed in you

my heart
wrapped in thorns
please know
that i can't help resentment
if you poke your finger
when you utterly expose
prodding the very weakness in me

as we lie exhaled
reality suspends
as the rules are set
we feign gravity
and tell ourselves
we are beyond

this role reversal
brooding calculation
and chaotic torrent
this exercise in restraint
merely a facade of our limits
a need to know basis
how weak
how strong
that i have become


[x]Monarch after.

You know, I struggle when I force myself to write. This is one of the occasions. For example, I have re-written the title of this entry at least 10 times, but even in my extensive vocabulary I can't find a word or a combination of words to describe what I feel like. Over the past 9 years, the vast majority of entries have been an outlet and written as needed. I don't sit here and write for the sake of writing.

When I do write, most of it is legible and understandable on the surface level for you. However, most of it is encoded in metaphors and special meanings that my intended viewer is supposed to understand. Especially in my poetry. You may read it and think "Oh, that's nice" or "I wonder what that means". However, for those special few who have been on the same page with me at the time of admission - well I would hope that they get it.

I've admitted so much, in all of that. Love, hate, victory, loss, loneliness, depression, addiction, pain, lust, good, evil, heroism, villainy. All of that based on a series of whims and reoccurring circumstance.

There have been a few instances in my life where I have been privy to a bit of insight as to my life - past, present, and future. Call it intuition. I will go into this later in a future discussion.

This cruise, this event is going to change my life. I don't know why, or how. Even in the face of coming to terms with what is really going on, and who I am going with, and all of my fears on top of that - I will not be the same person when I return. There is an inkling of what it's going to be like, but it's ethereal and without form.

I can feel my soul burning, eager to get on with it. I can only imagine that this is what a caterpillar feels like. This is going to be where I break the cycle and move on. Nothing can stop me now, not even her. I've been a weak person, and necessity dictates that it ends.

For once in my life, I'm not afraid of change.


[x]immediate invalidation.

all my subtlety
ungracefully exposed
this cause lost
before it even begins
at a loss again
i feel it in my eyes
when i look at you
so maybe it's time to close them...


[x]the claustro/xeno/hydro phobia cruise.

About a month ago I won a 5 day cruise (Carnival) from the pirates dinner adventure dinner show. Which is cool and all because I wasn't really trying to win. Sounds good, right? Sure it does! 6 day vacation! I will be going from September 18th to the 22nd.

Except for the overlapping phobias...

1. I am pretty hydrophobic (the ocean/drowning and sharks scare me) so the thought of being out on a boat for the better part of 5 days makes me nervous.

2. I am also somewhat xenophobic (foreign countries scare me) - the cruise goes to Cozumel, Mexico. I just watched THE RUINS last night and guess what? We are going to do the Mayan ruin excursion. No me gusta!

3. I am claustrophobic (small spaces scare me) and the room looks to be the size of a closet. Confined space that I get to share this with my ex as well. Fun!

Nervous breakdown, here I come!

They might as well said "Get in your coffin that we filled with spiders and sharks that we are shipping to Mexico via submarine!" w00t!



new muse, new siren
one in the same
as i hesitate to being withdrawn
to being scorned?
knowing the only place that i could hide
drowning underwater

this empty civility
the dust all settled
my blood is down now
either of us -
we are not alive without fire
and the strife sustaining us

i am the soul you value most
and when i leave
your audience is nothing but nameless faces
so tell me
how is your generic adoration suiting you?

biding our time
tell me, atlas
what happens
these three conversations
become one-
where will we go from there?

fleeting temptation
and in my arrogance
moments like these
i feel like i could grab fire
give me something i can grab
-it's the only way i'll hold on

our eyes mirrors
and this is so unfair
i can't see into yours
while knowing you see through me
stricken and smitten
calling all of my bluffs
yet here i am
staving off resentment and protest
when i've already tipped my hand

my piety
is realized justification
because i know how i feel
and if you won't forgive me
then i will just forgive myself
and leave you as you left me
to your own devices

don't look at me like that
you'll say
because you see the cracks in my armor
and i see them in yours
we are fragile souls
hinging our our belief
that we are made of sterner things


[x]The art of love PART I - Peace, spoken.

This entry has been archived and made private.


[x]it's all part of the... equation.

if i ever make it through this
i will be free
when i can realize
that surrendering and losing
are two different things

we fight our wars
each on our own fronts far away
and thus
turn our back on eachother
all of our plans fail
when we come to the conclusion
such poetry
such beauty
only works in times of peace

they say
that you only hurt the ones you love
when what once was shattered
now somehow whole but jagged
i hurt
i cut
everything i try to hold
with the broken pieces of my soul

i walk on a wire
as we are all trapeze artists
my tunnel vision set
for some semblance of balance
regardless of which side i fall
it all ends in oblivion

left to my own devices
i would sell my soul
for a spark
because i feel like that is all it would take
to set the world on fire
god help me
i am without a purpose
i am without a calling

when i set out to conquer all of this
we were already under rule
now we're both lost in the night
looking up at the same stars for help
my world half empty
and yours half full


[x]if it's really such a bad thing, then why does it feel so right...

Relevant - "Love to Sleep" by She Wants Revenge

Every once in a while, I find a song that fits perfectly for something that I want to express.


[x]what's another word for....

The breath gone my from my lungs
the vacuum of a reverse pandora's box
in these days
I am a little long on faith
but a little short on hope


[x]confessions of a caffeine addict.

This time it may actually stick. I have given up pop (or SODA) as they refer to it down here. Here is what I have gone through in the past two weeks, in order. Yes, this list reads like a crack addict, but you must understand I have been drinking pop as far back as I can remember.

1. *Rampant* Insomnia

2. Migraines

3. Cold sweats

4. Inability to focus

5. Shakes

6. Depression

So, it's been all water, milk, orange/apple juice, and lemonade for me. I have been taking my multivitamin every day, and trying to prepare food rather than grab something fast.

I think I am coming out of the other end of it though, right now it's more of a head cold than anything.

Hopefully soon I will be getting a gym membership locally so I can start working out and exercising on a somewhat consistent basis. I'm 29 and I really need to start taking care of myself. Diabetes scares me, and the history of heart problems in my family does as well. Plus, it would be nice to get into more of a routine. Some days it seems as though I have sprawling endless hours of freetime, and others it seems as though I can barely take a moment for myself.

Unlike my old job, which beat me down mentally every day as well as physically - this one is a completely mental. I don't have the benefit of physical labor's side effect of excercise. I need to peel some pounds.

For what it's worth, I do feel better.


[x]lack thereof.

This last week has been another lull. I'm not in pain, I'm not really hurting at all. So I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I don't miss her, nor do I regret anything I have said or done (or didn't do FFS). The only thing that really vexes me is how much farther I could have taken it... In regards to what was said, I could have been MUCH worse on her and I think she knows it. Oh well, even through the restraint it was sufficient.

I'm not sad by any stretch of the imagination - I am just indifferent.

It's more like there is a part of me missing... I feel like I just made a long-term investment/deposit into a bank and the next day it closed. Or maybe I bought an ice cream cone and dropped it on the ground. No refunds. Which is funny because there is nothing to salvage, there is nothing to get back.

There is no sense in looking back. Ever. Which leaves me no choice but to look ahead. She Wants Revenge is on Thursday, Age of Conan just came out, I have all kinds of season finales to look forward to. Plenty of things to distract me I suppose until I get my head back in the game.


[x]quiet osmosis

If you know me, then you know what happened to me last week. You've read my blog here or on myspace... I have played the voicemails for you, or I have pleaded my case. I have probably sought an objective opinion. I have tried to state an unbiased opinion, merely covering the facts.

When someone accuses me of being a bad person (in so many words) - I do take it personally. If you know me, you know that I am the kind of person that can only blame myself before blaming anyone else. Really, I had to be reassured that what happened was not my fault. Non-action does not dictate fault.

I try to be the best person I can be, every day. At my own expense. While there are times I am not there for myself, you can count on me being there for you. Even when I am a complete mess I do my best to hide it from my friends and family. I don't want to burden anyone with anything. I try to be selfless as possible.

It doesn't take much for me to really care about someone when I meet them. My family, my friends... once you are "in" I swear to God I would take a bullet for you. I would give you anything of myself for any of the people I love in various ways. That is who I am.

Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to love myself. I know somewhere there is cause in me to be great, however I have lost my way. The best part when you cannot care about yourself - you give 100% of your being to others. I define myself in the happiness I try to create in others.

Which is what bothered me with what she said...

I am not a tormentor. I am not cruel. If I was the kind of person who toyed with people and their emotions, that would make me a complete hypocrite with what I have been through.

If you come after me or mine though - I will verbally burn you to the ground, because this is my domain (literally and figuratively). Here is only power I feel that have left, in what I write, in my journal and poetry.

In this I know I have it in me to be a complete bastard. As one of my friends told me when I asked an opinion of the entries I have made - he did say that I do tend to err on the side of harsh. The thing is - I'm not one for pain, or drama. If you want to make a soap opera out of this - that is when you will find me go cold. I'm not one to argue or complain, or draw out that which needs to just end. I will go for the jugular immediately. She isn't the first, nor will she be the last.

She put me on the defensive and she paid dearly for it in the words that I have written. If nothing else I do have a ruthless command of the english language. The whole incident has become a running joke here and that makes me feel better about myself. I took no pleasure in it, I am no sadist.

This is my outlet. This is my canvas. This is what I need to face the day. The reason I make this all public is because people need to know this is who I am. I don't crave feedback, and I don't get off on it.

I am a man, I am not perfect (nor will I ever claim to be) and I will be the first to admit that I am flawed in irrevocable ways. I put it all out there for people to read, and from time to time someone may see something a different way. Call it one-way therapy.


[x]Temper, temper.

This entry has been archived and made private.


This entry has been archived and made private.


[x]who says you can't go home...

I am going flying home tomorrow night.

I will be back in Michigan all day on Sunday and then will drive back to Florida at around 9am (or earlier) and hopefully back be here around 3am Tuesday morning.

Cannot wait to see my family and eat some GOOD food. Unfortunately I won't have any time to spare so I am sorry to everyone that I will not be able to see.

It's going to be weird, being back.


[x]sailing blind

Relevant - "Sleep, don't weep" by Damien Rice (9)

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I feel I will...
It's starting to set in a bit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. What I am not sure of, is how lost I am, if at all.

For the first time living down here I have doubt as to if this is the right place for me. Every day since I have moved to Florida I have been able to wake up and feel like my life was going somewhere, albeit slowly. I mean happiness for the sake of happiness is progress, right?

The thing is, when I made the decision to move I had nothing and no one save family/friends. I was miserable. I hated my job, my life, and myself.

When I made the decision to move, I became a different person. I was happier, driven to make this all work. I became more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Being positive and having finite time left in Michigan just did wonders for me. This manifested itself as getting back with Jessica. Because I knew I was a better person this time around than the first time we were together.

She was there and I will admit when I was there I was looking past her a bit. I remember at one point I looked at her and said "Don't fall in love with me." but looking back at it maybe I was telling myself that as well. As much as I tried to keep her at an arm's length, the more I kept her at bay from my heart - I did in fact fall in love with her.

Which did nothing but reaffirm my decision to leave. She became a part of that plan. Everything that was about ME all of a sudden became about US.

Such is the situations I get myself into. There is some small part of me that feels like making a longshot work would just pay off so much more. This is why I find myself in long distance relationships, bad situations, etc. I don't know what happened to make me feel like I have to make up for something in the past, but it's these moments of clarity that frustrate me the most.

She's gone, and now I am sailing without a heading. I spent so much time believing in the both of us that I really didn't spend time planning to do this on my own. Does this make any sense?

I mean, I'm down here and I'm poor but other than that I can't complain much. The weather is nice, I love my job, I have friends. I am even attracted to a few girls...

At this juncture I am completely neutral about moving though. I mean the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, however that doesn't stop you from looking back over - just to make sure.

I guess I'm just in a rut, which happens from time to time. I know that a few months from now things are going to straighten themselves out, there is no cause for panic. In this lull though - I just don't feel like doing much.


[x]in case you were wondering how I have been sleeping.

Relevant - "Goodbye Lover" by James Blunt

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

I haven't been able to sleep in the last two weeks. Right now it's 12:42am and I have to get up for work 6 and a half hours. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what's wrong with me... Hopefully soon this will all be corrected and I can get back on a normal schedule.


Yesterday I went to the AMC 24 at Downtown Disney to see FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. It was just the type of movie I needed to see. It's a good breakup film. Something in me gave way when I left the theater. For the first time since I moved down here, I felt the sunshine on my skin. Really. I look around at the palm trees swaying in the wind...

I live, for all intensive purposes, in paradise. My body is here, but I need to let my heart and soul move here as well.


[x]our naked hearts.

we spend our lives
trying to clothe
trying to cover up and protect
our naked hearts

our faith hemorrages
we are wounded
you didn't just quit on me
you quit on us

what faith can i have
when i gave you all i could
when i sacrificed everything and more
when it still isn't enough?

and i was the fool
to think i could barter
my soul for another
forced upon the offensive
tell me where it hurts
so i can press on the wound

the cry is louder than ever
although i saddens me
to know the echo
will be lost in the distance

i can't face the day
unless i dress myself in the mar of tragedy
because that betrayal
has become what i am

i wish i could give you all of me
but i cannot
i can give you what they let me keep
for myself
and i'm sorry.

this was the mistake i knew i was making
even as i was saying those words
i know you could see right through them all
which made it even worse

better to leave a graveyard behind you
then be buried in someone else's
when they leave
you behind


[x]it's the numbness that stings the most.

Relevant - "king of the pavement" by Joseph Arthur

It's good to be king, king of the pavement...

Jessica and I have broken up and this time I think it is permanent.

I'm not really sad though. I think I am more in shock than anything, as in most post-relationship situations where it's just surreal to be without someone. We went out for 6 months (as of yesterday). We had a good run.

What hurts is just some of things she said in the good times, because those things were beautiful and will now never come to pass.

I mean I really gave my all to a long distance relationship, so no one could say I didn't try. I made huge sacrifices to try and endure, both while I was in Michigan and here in Florida. I did everything I could to make this work... and it just didn't. Just wasn't meant to be I suppose.

There is neither of us to blame. Our relationship had boiled down to a series of nothing-fights and quick fixes. This is about a clean break as possible, because we both know, even in this silence that this is for the best.

I don't expect to, nor wish to hear from her again. It's time for me to really begin my life down here. I didn't move down here to look back (although I do at certain things), and I certainly did not move down here to be depressed.

faith and focus
we swapped places in the mirrors reflection
and now that I am on the other side
it comes to me
-there is a difference between quitting
and giving up


[x]Last one out, turn out the light.

Well, after a few months thinking about where I wanted to go with the site... I have decided to close deadpixel.org after 8 *mostly* solid years of updating.

I used the page as a journal and outlet when I needed it and at this point it just seems like filler... So it's time to go into a new direction.

I am not sure how long the site is going to be up at this point because I am switching the hosting over to my new site and project:


p.s. Thank you to everyone who has come across the site in the past 8 years.



Relevant - "Sundays" by Counting Crows (Saturday Night and Sunday Mornings)

...and I don't believe in anything, in anything
and I don't believe in anything, at all...

Inspiration struck me today, which is good because I have needed an outlet.

all of the words in the world
so many different ways to say
only thing i am good at
isn't good enough to make you love me

how can i get by
when every time you leave your hurt me
and every time i wake
i feel like you should be here

i know that the farther i am dragged down
into this watery unknown
is the further i will have to make it back up

i keep trying to shut these words out
but they are like
an old friend who needs help
yet, who won't give up on me

we prop each other up on pedestals
we take turns falling
baby, i'll catch you next time i swear
just let me lean on you
for now

our facade of shadows and masks
smiles and sunshine
the trick is
learning to live on the outside
while dying within

hundreds of miles between
we grow closer by the day
even if you don't know it yet
you'll be moving home soon

coming in from the cold
i thought i had saved myself
this warmth makes me even more the numb
when i can't function without my shadow
without the cloud over my head

i wish i could give you my all
the key to my heart
i'm sorry they ruined it for you
some day you'll break down my defenses
or someday i'll come to my senses

we used to wear our hearts
on both of our sleeves
now we have our hearts in
eachother's pockets

days like this
i don't know what to believe
nights like this
i don't believe in anything

even when i am stranded
i know my siren isn't as beautiful as i will always remember her
i'm just hoping
that she remembers that i am not quite the monster
i left her as

even though i've convinced myself
that i'm the only one who can see glimpses
i just wish i could be shown
what i am here for
we are all blind in the eyes of god


[x] spectre of the present.

i know we're beautiful
but we've done some ugly things
and i am sorry to disappoint
we are all
oh lord
i've gone and jumped
the only faith i have left
seems to be your faith in me
your dagger in my heart
my dagger in your back
we die
we live the rest of our lives
in this embrace


What a difference a day makes...

Electrolytes are what the Matrix craves...
So I have been running this site through blogger for over 7 years now.  Just last night did I figure out that I can actually blog from email.  Since I sit at a desk all day I think I can actually keep up on my journal more.
So, excuse the mess for formatting. 
Anyway, update from my last entry:
1.  They waived my overdraft fees for National City and Jessica was nice enough to make a deposit for me.
2.  The bank finally gave me my $200 dollars back.
3.  Jamie and Tom are coming to Disney and bringing the kids!
4.  My 2v2 arena partner (dr00d) and I went our seperate ways, and now I have a Disc. Priest who will get us back to 1850 (one way or another).  When the game because stressful it isn't a game anymore.
The money thing was frustrating, but I am trying to feel content for the things I am blessed with, as opposed to the things that I do not have.  I am much happier down here, and I don't even mind going to work so much.  It's the exact opposite of my old job.
I can't wait to see everyone this month.
Jessica will be here in about 50 hours.  :)


[x]momma said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this my momma said.

Relevant - "Walk away" by Joseph Arthur (Could we survive EP)

you want to walk away, from who you are...

What a horrible day capping off an overall crappy last two weeks. Yeah it's not all sunshine and disney world here... at least not lately.

For starters, my stupid credit card that I am paying off took TWO payments instead of one because some jackass hit the "accept payment" button twice, and it's been a fight with both them and my bank to get that back (still hasn't happened). I mean, I wish I could just steal $200 from them and hold onto it until whenever. Really... That's called STEALING. So I have spent hours on the phone talking to these idiots and getting things faxed to banks (first bank they faxed it to had their fax machine broken OF COURSE).

Now my national city bank account is overdrawn and getting charged $8 a DAY in fees because I haven't had any money to just pay it and close the damn account. Oh, this is after charging me a $34 overdraft fee for being overdrawn ONE FUCKING DOLLAR. Right now the total is up to $-60. Argh.

So glad I get paid tomorrow.

On top of that I have been wanting to change my address officially to Florida but the CAR TAGS (they don't even call it a secretary of state or dmv) place wouldn't accept my social security card because it was SLIGHTLY damaged. So that was a good hour of my time wasted there, and then another 3 hours waiting in line at the social security office. At the very least I got that in the mail today.

I would really like to file my taxes too, but the unemployment office in Michigan decided not to send me a w2 form for when I was laid off last year. I had to call them today to send me another form. God knows when that is going to get here. Also I got a letter from them a week ago saying that they overpaid me a check of $362 dollars for the week of Christmas, that I was not qualified even though the year before they pulled the same shit and I did what they told me to do this year. Which is fine... Although I NEVER GOT A CHECK FROM THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Don't even get me started on what happened in WoW today in the arena... I got to this game to be powerful and in control and today made me want to quit it all. Stupid 2v2s.

So after last week having my mom in serious heart surgery and not being there, which makes me still feel horribly guilty - and all this other crap, I will admit I am a bit strung out.

So tonight I saw Jessica on skype and decided to call her. Maybe seeing my girlfriend and talking to her would make me feel better. Nope! Not the case. She basically said the worst thing she could at the worst possible time to cap it all off and now I haven't spoken to her since. She's coming this weekend and now I am starting to stress out about being able to entertain her for 3 days and now I am worried that we aren't going to have a good time.

I talked to Logan and Ariel today, which almost made me cry because I want to see them so bad and they aren't coming to disney world with the rest of the family in mid-March. It's going to break their poor little hearts and now I won't be able to see them until May.

In addition to all that, even though I promised I wouldn't, I have been reflecting on how I left Michigan. The things I left undone and did wrong. It bothers me. Part of me thinks that all of that is finally catching up to me via karma.


You know I wake up here every day and actually look forward to the day. It's all slow progress but it's progress nonetheless. I know I'm not coming back.

I live a somewhat happy, somewhat stress-free life down here. I like my job very much, as opposed to my old one. I know I will be fine but right now it all seems a bit overwhelming.

Yet above all things I am blessed to still have my mom. I prayed for her and still do every night. I would have torn out my own heart for her. Thank you God for keeping her safe because no matter how rough I let my life get she will always support me, regardless of how many times I screw up everything.


[x]Two weeks in...

This is another offline entry. I will not be online again until Thursday.

I have officially been down here two weeks as of 3:30am tomorrow. It began functionally as me crashing over at Mike's apartment, and now finally say this is where I live. With four walls, a bed, and furniture it's beginning to set in.

So here I am. I will admit there was a measure of panic in that first week, because I was restless with so much t free time. One night looking at all my stuff, I almost packed it all up and drove home. Just poof, up and gone in the middle of the night. I was unemployed and lost (literally).

A week later I just completely my first week at my new job, I have a paycheck incoming, and my bearings. It's nothing great, but it's a start. Finanicially it's going to be somewhat rough until June, but I hope I will be okay.

Am I homesick? Yeah. It's really hard if I let myself have a moment to let it sink in. Last week when I saw Logan, Ariel, and David on Chel's webcam I was immediately choked up. I miss everyone horribly. So weird to think of me being such a homebody and now so far away. Jessica and I were a little rough in the beginning, but once the flow of our schedules took over things have gone really well. Right now I'm not online but I still feel connected to my loved ones in Michigan.

Connections. That word has been on my mind these last few days. I look through my phone and more than half the numbers on it are storylines and connections that are now over. The chapter of old coworkers and bosses is over. I still want to talk to Al but for the most part it's all done now. Other numbers are friends who I will see and talk to online, but will not have occasion to contact otherwise. Still, there are some I am unsure of where I stand with them and where to go from here. I'm not going to go and delete them from my phone, because I will still want to contact them someday.

Is all of my unfinished business back there now effectively finished? Somehow my past and the ghosts that haunted me (Sarah, Madonna,etc.) feel like they are truly 1200 miles away. The dead are now not only buried but left far behind - like all of the baggage I couldn't take with me when I came here. Yet I still wonder if the ghost of me haunts people, whether or not they know I am gone. It's a weird feeling.

So much has changed in the past 2 weeks, and the 3 months preceeding. I have cut the parachute loose and now I freefall in this leap of faith. However that feeling of suffocation and dread is gone. It's going to take some hard work, a little luck, and some money but I am going to make a new life here. Still bothers me that I have done the things that I have done in leaving. If I really had it back I would have done it differently, but then again that's what this move is all about. I cannot change where I was, I changed where I am, and where I am going.

There is a sense of abandonment that I am dealing with, leaving you behind like I did, and I wish I could express why I have done the things I have done. I hope as you grow and move on that you can forgive me, as I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

Regardless, under it all I know you love me. You know why I had to leave. Just know that I am here (there) if you need me. I always will be.

That I love you.

That I miss you, too.


[x]Home is where the heart is.

I'm here. The drive was not fun but I made it.

approx 1200 miles
approx 18 hours (driven straight through)
I left at 9:30 am and arrived at around 3:30am the next day.
approx 30 miles per gallon (good job damien)

Today I woke up and slept in, woke up and carried my stuff in, then just kind of bummed around for a while until Mike got home. Then we went out to eat at FORT WILDERNESS in Disneyworld.

Even as I was sitting there I was restless, like I couldn't relax. I still find myself looking at my watch or clocks like I am still pressed for time. Being around Jessica made me aware of that nervous tick I have. She always took it the wrong way, like I was seeing how much time I had left before I would leave her.

This wasn't the case. Working at Tag always put me somewhere between a constant state of hurry and exhaustion. A thankless, crapshoot time job like that will do that to you, and I need to shake it.

It hasn't set in yet that this is now where I live... This is my abode but I think my home will always be back in Michigan with my loved ones. I miss all of you.


[x]And away we go!

I am leaving tomorrow morning. Time to pack it all up so this is me signing off.