[x]I saved someone's life - their words not mine.

We had a huge job on friday. The homeowner was an older guy, who had just lost his wife a year prior... His son was the person we were dealing with.

So, we got to it. We installed the windows as we always do, assembly-line style in a circle.

Around 3pm we were making pretty good progress. The other guys were working outside, leaving me the only worker in the house. I was on the kitchen sink window, kneeling on the sinkboard (the board we put over the sink so we don't fall in) - I could hear the old guy (who had been in the basement since we arrived) come up the stairs.

I opened my mouth to greet him, but the words never left my lips. He got to the top stair, and down he went. Backwards, headfirst, down the stairs.

Immediately I jumped off and looked down the stairs. He wasn't moving. In a blur I took off my toolbelt, shouted out the front door for someone to call 911. The radio was on outside, so it took a bit more yelling to get their attention.

With someone calling, I made my way down the stairs slowly. His son had left, I was alone - Looking at this guy, his head in a pool of blood... He wasn't moving.

I thought he was dead. It looked like someone had shot him in the head, and he was laying on basement floor on his back, his legs on the stairs.

Oh my god he's dead. Oh my god he's dead....

He blinked. He groaned.

On of my co-workers came to the top of the stairs and I had him get a towel. There was blood all over. There was tuft of hair stuck on the stairs.

I knelt at his head, told him my name. He was severely disoriented... I put his glasses back on and took a look at his head. Part of his scalp was missing (tuft) - he had cuts all over his face and head. I put the towel under his head so his weight could put pressure on the bleeding.

It all went by so fast. I washed out of the EMT program (my decision) but alot of latent things came to the surface immediately. I got him talking, I held his head stable. Becoming more and more concious, he wanted to get up. I told him to stay put and held his head down. Luckily his legs were on the stairs, giving him no leverage to get up.

I asked him the questions that I haven't even thought about in years... Funny that I deliver a flawless diagnostic check on him when I couldn't do it at the national registry test.

He was getting pretty pissed but I held him and kept him talking, telling him that the ambulance was on it's way and that THEY were going to tell him the same thing I was - not to move.

When I was checking his head I looked at my hands in turn... both covered in his blood. Man I wish I had some gloves, I thought.

All of this happens in the span of 60 seconds... I keep him stabilized and within a few minutes the Paramedics show up (good response guys, god bless) and tend to him.

I got upstairs and wash the blood off my hands, and have my coworkers check me for any other blood on me. I wash my hands again...

After that I realize I'm shaking. Severely. I guess that is alot of deal with in a span of 10 minutes... A thousand thoughts running through my head (I am going to have to perform CPR, omfg he's dead)

They wrapped him up, they put him on a board, a stretcher, and left. I got some sanitizer from the paramedics... and they were gone. When another child of his arrived, we finished up and went home.

A few days later I get the news from my crew leader who was called. The guy turned out to be okay, some cuts/scrapes/bruises... No one is sure what caused the fall yet... I was happy to hear that he was going to be alright.

Since that day I have put alot of thought to my time spent in the EMT program. I did not pass the national registry test - and I gave up... That was a sign. I could have gone back and taken it again, probably passed with a little more practice. (In my defense I passed the class and book-wise I was badass).

However, since then I have realized a few things...

1. I am too compassionate to have someone's life in my hands. I can't "turn it off" and be the machine that people need. I cannot shut down my emotions, because I care too much.

2. I make more money than they do. :)

So, that was one of the many paths that I wasn't meant for. I made some great friends that I still see and talk to in that program. Some of my best friends.

Although I was never contacted directly (not much for attention) - My bosses were called and thanked for what we (I) did that day by the guy's son. They will be writing a letter to Wallside (I wonder if I will be referred to in name ) - I am just glad that I was there to help him, and am grateful that I was in the house when he fell. I shudder to think if he would have went undiscovered for any amount of time.

So everyone has been making a small deal of me being some kind of hero... This is the cliche part where I say that they would have done the same thing (glad I had some training though).

I am just thankful I was there to help. That's it.


[x]i ask myself questions, and tell only lies.

i have checked all the mirrors
i can't find my demons in any of them
my reflection a duplication
or an opposite?

is my black
everyone else's white?
cutter on the inside
i cannot help
but writing in blood
when all the tears are long gone...


[x]go tell your alien brothers... that Ronnie Cordova says they're GAY!

www.sockbaby.com - nuff said.


[x]If only I were an Apollo candy bar.

I am a pretty big fan of LOST. I am not that kind of crazy numerology look-for-symbols-in-everything kind of fan, I just like the show.

Sawyer is definately my favorite character... and then there is Kate (Evangeline Lilley)

There is something about her that just gets me. Green eyes, freckles (hot) - the long dark hair.

Wow, watching her eat that candy bar a week ago... damn...


[x]ok, breathe.

Alright. I have had a bad day. Actually, up until last weekend... I was having a horrible month. Pretty much the entire month of September (which is my least favorite month) had me sick with some kind of flu.

The worst day was 2 weeks ago when I got pulled over for speeding. That was an extremely shitty day. Today I am going at it with a friend over dumb shit...

Everything has been going wrong. I'm sick of it.


It's time to fix my life. Seriously I have been letting way too much crap back up behind my "outta sight, outta mind" existence. I am in debt. I have a few more LBS. than I want to have. I don't have a girlfriend.

I am lonely and pissed off.

It's too late to salvage this year as far as the debt thing goes with the coming winter. However I swear to god by the end of 2006 I am going to be out of debt. Permanently. I am going to fix my shitty credit. I am going to pay off Eastern, take my last stupid class, and get my stupid excuse for a degree.

I am going to get a girlfriend who isn't psycho. I am going to get my truck fixed. I am going to stop taking shit from everyone.


I am going to have my life pointing FORWARD for the first time, ever. Forward. Not looking back, not treading water. Forward.

[x]this will do for now.

the stones come from heaven
to the ones in purgatory
the ones waiting for life to break
waiting to move on
looking up
we make easy targets

how can i find redemption
when i can't forgive myself?
how can i be saved
when all i want to do is not care?
living the irony
being murdered by compassion

never feeling anything for myself
this vicarious life
where i have as much faith
as i have wasted potential
wishing sometimes
that i could bend this halo into horns

and i'm nothing
irreversible but never green
never empty
i would kill myself if my life was
ever such a straight line
if i ever caught myself
living for only me
so tell me
did you have a story to tell?


[x]always a groomsman, never a groom.

Ben and Meg's wedding was yesterday. I am out the door to return the tux right now, but here are some pictures.