[x]Cruise II - photos.

I now have some of the pictures I took while on the cruise up on my FLIKR account.


[x]Cruise I - poetry.

we begin and end in the familiar
with you when you leave
i send my heart home with you
to keep it away
safe and detached
the only way i'll make it here
is if i do not need it

you could never
leave me to my ignorance
and i'm sorry
that i can't make you understand
the scope of my bliss
and how huge it was
to find myself redeemed in you

my heart
wrapped in thorns
please know
that i can't help resentment
if you poke your finger
when you utterly expose
prodding the very weakness in me

as we lie exhaled
reality suspends
as the rules are set
we feign gravity
and tell ourselves
we are beyond

this role reversal
brooding calculation
and chaotic torrent
this exercise in restraint
merely a facade of our limits
a need to know basis
how weak
how strong
that i have become


[x]Monarch after.

You know, I struggle when I force myself to write. This is one of the occasions. For example, I have re-written the title of this entry at least 10 times, but even in my extensive vocabulary I can't find a word or a combination of words to describe what I feel like. Over the past 9 years, the vast majority of entries have been an outlet and written as needed. I don't sit here and write for the sake of writing.

When I do write, most of it is legible and understandable on the surface level for you. However, most of it is encoded in metaphors and special meanings that my intended viewer is supposed to understand. Especially in my poetry. You may read it and think "Oh, that's nice" or "I wonder what that means". However, for those special few who have been on the same page with me at the time of admission - well I would hope that they get it.

I've admitted so much, in all of that. Love, hate, victory, loss, loneliness, depression, addiction, pain, lust, good, evil, heroism, villainy. All of that based on a series of whims and reoccurring circumstance.

There have been a few instances in my life where I have been privy to a bit of insight as to my life - past, present, and future. Call it intuition. I will go into this later in a future discussion.

This cruise, this event is going to change my life. I don't know why, or how. Even in the face of coming to terms with what is really going on, and who I am going with, and all of my fears on top of that - I will not be the same person when I return. There is an inkling of what it's going to be like, but it's ethereal and without form.

I can feel my soul burning, eager to get on with it. I can only imagine that this is what a caterpillar feels like. This is going to be where I break the cycle and move on. Nothing can stop me now, not even her. I've been a weak person, and necessity dictates that it ends.

For once in my life, I'm not afraid of change.


[x]immediate invalidation.

all my subtlety
ungracefully exposed
this cause lost
before it even begins
at a loss again
i feel it in my eyes
when i look at you
so maybe it's time to close them...


[x]the claustro/xeno/hydro phobia cruise.

About a month ago I won a 5 day cruise (Carnival) from the pirates dinner adventure dinner show. Which is cool and all because I wasn't really trying to win. Sounds good, right? Sure it does! 6 day vacation! I will be going from September 18th to the 22nd.

Except for the overlapping phobias...

1. I am pretty hydrophobic (the ocean/drowning and sharks scare me) so the thought of being out on a boat for the better part of 5 days makes me nervous.

2. I am also somewhat xenophobic (foreign countries scare me) - the cruise goes to Cozumel, Mexico. I just watched THE RUINS last night and guess what? We are going to do the Mayan ruin excursion. No me gusta!

3. I am claustrophobic (small spaces scare me) and the room looks to be the size of a closet. Confined space that I get to share this with my ex as well. Fun!

Nervous breakdown, here I come!

They might as well said "Get in your coffin that we filled with spiders and sharks that we are shipping to Mexico via submarine!" w00t!



new muse, new siren
one in the same
as i hesitate to being withdrawn
to being scorned?
knowing the only place that i could hide
drowning underwater

this empty civility
the dust all settled
my blood is down now
either of us -
we are not alive without fire
and the strife sustaining us

i am the soul you value most
and when i leave
your audience is nothing but nameless faces
so tell me
how is your generic adoration suiting you?

biding our time
tell me, atlas
what happens
these three conversations
become one-
where will we go from there?

fleeting temptation
and in my arrogance
moments like these
i feel like i could grab fire
give me something i can grab
-it's the only way i'll hold on

our eyes mirrors
and this is so unfair
i can't see into yours
while knowing you see through me
stricken and smitten
calling all of my bluffs
yet here i am
staving off resentment and protest
when i've already tipped my hand

my piety
is realized justification
because i know how i feel
and if you won't forgive me
then i will just forgive myself
and leave you as you left me
to your own devices

don't look at me like that
you'll say
because you see the cracks in my armor
and i see them in yours
we are fragile souls
hinging our our belief
that we are made of sterner things