[x]A trivial pursuit.

Full circle
where I am overburdened with faith
Unsure of where it comes from
how I have it
and no idea where to spend it
The world and everyone in it against me
to stone the only one who is sure.

My life is my life, and I make no excuses for it. I try not to regret too much anymore. I am not a religious person by any means, but I do like this saying:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Someday I will get into what I do believe in greater detail.

Events happen in my life. To me, they mean the world. To some degree we all have our own delusions to make our lives seem like so much more. We have our own fairy tales. Our own angels, our own demons...

As epic and beautiful things can be, as disastrous and desperate - it is how I perceive what transpires. My outlook. Whatever I write here, you as the reader may even relate to, but will never truly understand. I try to be honest here, as honest as I can let myself be.

However, regardless of my own little world - I am aware there is the REAL world out there. Call it sugarcoating my life so it's easier to take, easier to swallow. I am only myself, but would assume most people make their lives out to be more than they are.

My life is ME and the real world is everyone else. Yeah, it does sound kind of weird to spell it out like that. Our delusions are our way of coping when both worlds have to co-exist. It is religion being the opiate for the masses (Karl Marx) or love being the opiate for life (me). It is how we deal, plain and simple. What is in your head and heart is where you go to escape our mostly dull everyday lives.

The thing is, as "important" as things seem to me when they happen, however significant - We are anchored by reality. Being heartbroken in my mind foremost my concern - even though I am aware of the events transpiring in the world... Is it a proximity thing? My soul hurts as it is the closest thing to me. People all over are dying and suffering in different ways. Starvation, famine, disease, war, earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, cancer, AIDS, etc. etc. etc.

Those seem so far away - even though I can feel it in the air sometimes, which pains me. Does my heartache being more important to me make me selfish? Or are we so numb that we just take the world suffering for granted? Is our own realities an escape to not dwell on everyone else and their problems?

We need respite so we do not dwell. God help us all if it ever set in how bleak the world can be. If we ever accepted that. The illusions of grandeur we all experience - It is our emotional and spiritual defense mechanism.

What we see on TV and read on the internet or in the paper - those so far away might as well be on another planet. Another galaxy.

My point is... When the suffering hit close to home - I can't really say for anyone else... It just makes my problems seem trivial. That is the only gauge I ever get, when my dreams are dashed, my beautiful and tragic world finally seem as dull as the very existence we all try to escape from.


[x]Just for the record.

Relevant - "Lucky Man" by the Verve

The other night I emailed Jessica (I had deleted her phone number previously) and said that I needed to talk to her. About an hour or so later she called...

So why did I feel the need to talk to her? Like I have disclosed here a few entries ago, I did miss her. The past week leading up to a few nights ago, I guess it had come to the forefront. Some kind of obsession to know if she felt the same in our lack of contact.

To make this short story even shorter, I was immediately stonewalled when we talked. It seemed even before our first exchange, before her first breath she was on the offensive. "Take care of yourself, sugar" I said, and that was it.

I suppose I was mistaken to think I had left a lasting impression on her, or what we shared would stay with her. To wonder if she was thinking about what happened. As I said earlier maybe it was part of my ego to assume I meant something to her, or that she should miss me.

She doesn't miss me, and it became immediately apparent. It was almost shocking. Much like the last phone conversation in afterthought, we were talking even though there was nothing left to say. When I did reveal what I wanted to say that I did miss her, it was a weakened gesture due to the realization that I had, in fact, made a unnecessary mistake. It's unfortunate to realize I was the one with the inability to let things lay.

So, that is that. I will say I am more disappointed than hurt, although even less and less on both counts the more I think about it. I am done pining for situations where I am not wanted.

What was I thinking? I can't really explain it but I felt compelled. Now with some time and space between the phone call - Do I long for companionship, or did I really miss her?



Relevant: "Amie" by Damien Rice (album - O)

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away



I suppose when I write here, the strength of what I want to say comes and goes. Same thing when I write my poems. To anyone else really they are all the same thing, me trying to paint a picture in someone else's mind. This is where I will state that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometime's I'm on, sometimes I'm less on.

The more I take a leap of faith in trying to express myself, the deeper I go - The more I try to unburden myself... Those admissions make anything I say less familiar territory. Those admissions can lead to acceptance, which can be dangerous emotionally and physically. I guess it works both ways, good and bad.

Confused yet? If so then my point has been made.

There are a few rare instances where I have addressed someone in particular here. I have called out a few people both in retaliation and whim (to some personal regret) - however most of the time I allude or talk over my aim. Most of the time when I write it is in code or symbols... something that only the intended could decipher.

So where have I been this last month? I have written a few times over some unimportant topics, for the sake of putting something down. To give those who subscribe to my life something to gauge the pulse of my being. Yes, I am still here, and for those of you at home keeping score - something IS up.

Jessica and I broke up the last day of April (30th). We then broke contact a little over a month ago (June 19th). I will state the dates for my own record.

Here is where the intended kicks in. Either it be my ego or your curiousity that would make me believe you are going to read this - I guess where I am now is still in shock. You left me stunned, the condition I have endured since. Distraction both material and work-related have sufficed until the last few days.

Sometimes I have heard of or read about relationships in the sense of a "Whirlwind" and I really am struggling to find another term for my time with you (while trying to avoid negative terms like "Disaster" or "Controlled descent")

I'm still hurt. It took a lot of thinking to decide either it be not getting the last word in (respecting your wishes) or just plain longing. I let everything fall where it may. I guess in a way this is how it supposed to be, how then do I chastise myself for not fighting harder? Was it fate that stayed my hand when I just let you walk away? Did that acceptance lead to immediate defeat? Why did I just let it happen?

I won't lie - I think about you all the time. Yes, I do miss you on many levels... Once again call it my ego but I know I am on your mind. I have been off balance this past month, I'm not sure what is holding me together... or how long that will last. Just because I keep myself distracted most of the day doesn't mean I don't catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Perhaps a passing thought when I am alone trying to sleep in my and there is no where to run. Do you share these thoughts?

At this point I suppose what was unsaid and eating away at me has been admitted. There is regret, for what I have now realized in your absence.

This admission hurts more than anything, and whether it serves a purpose with us or not... Some words just need to be said.


[x]Oh, how fickle - my finger over the delete key (and the promised fireflykea).

I deleted 4 people from my phone yesterday. Now, I have a bad habit of doing so on a whim - which sucks a few months down the road I guess.


Ikea! - 4th of July weekend I bought a bunch of stuff at the ikea store in Canton. For the first time in my life I have furniture that matches. The place is insane and very maze-like. I need to buy a bed frame when I have the money for it, but I will probably buy more than that (damn impulse buys).

Firefly - A few months ago I picked up SERENITY at the video store and loved it. LOVED IT. So a few weeks ago I bought the FIREFLY series on dvd (also bought SERENITY). The show is one of the best I have seen... very smart. I spent my vacation assembling swedish furniture and watching the complete series. Which completely bummed me out when it was over.

Highly recommended - Start with the movie, if you like that then you will also enjoy the series... Even though SERENITY takes place after the FIREFLY series ends - it's a nice anchor to bring it all together.

Yes, and I am now in love with Morena Baccarin, who plays Inara on the show.



If you are going to press play - "Can't you see" by the Marshall Tucker Band.

Soon. Just think fireflykea in the meantime.


[x]invincible part 2.

Do you find it flattering
that I long for you?
Oh, the games we play.
The ulterior motives...
A winner, a loser.
A last word, a last laugh.
I know I cross your mind.
Are you flattering yourself,
by thinking this is about you?



If you are going to press play - "God's gonna cut you down" by Johnny Cash (American V)

I need to watch my karma.