[x]2006+1 = 2007 (I know you love this).

2006 Year In Review -

Relevant - "Grey Room" by Damien Rice (you can hear it here, disregard the video... kate is hot.)

Lyrics here - they really fit
... My favorite line is...

If I squeeze my grape, and I drink my wine...

Preface - Snippets in the following YIR months don't really do this last year justice. I wrote it a week or so ago, and it doesn't really capture the feeling of what I have gone through in this last year. 2006 was a huge year for me, hopefully the following few paragraphs can relate the gravity of it all...

I started off 2006 fairly unsure of any direction. The site went down for a while, just long enough for me to realize that I need to write. Not only that, I need to share it. I really looked around and felt blessed for having the ability to express myself, which I used to think made me weak. Everyone else just seems so bottled up most of the time, whereas I have found that I am calm. I have stopped carrying my baggage around with me - you are reading it.

The next thing I remember was the blowout, which found me not speaking to Margarita, while embarking on my first real relationship in a long time... I met Jessica there, courted her afterwards. It was nice, if even for a short time, to be completely smitten with someone. I truly was with her. The beauty of having someone shed light on how ugly I had become on the inside, and a certain clarity ensued. I was of two minds at that point - the hopeless romantic on one hand, and the hurt, bitter soul on the other. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't quite lose myself in her. I speak only of myself in this matter, as I think she had some of her own issues to sort out. What resulted was the gravity of reality, crushing me in a short lived fashion. It's unfortunate.

There's so much more, but it's a blur...

After she was gone I found myself in a tailspin of doubt. Once again I couldn't understand why something that was so perfect went so sour so quickly. When that leveled off I found myself, for the first time since I can remember, if ever - in complete control of myself.

I realized, that it's not really them hurting me, it has always been me letting myself get hurt. Which is dangerous to think, and left me in a dark and sinister place. I was in control, I was invincible, I was inspired.

Margarita and I patched things up, as is the pattern it seems... The new twist being fairly brutal honesty. The man who would be devious, and his syren - we are quite the pair. We seem content with our roles in this friendship which carries us into the present day...

So, there I was. The only thing I needed was a leap of faith to shake the stars back into my eyes.

It happened - twofold. First when I completely gushed to Joseph Arthur. Maybe it's cliche, but when I saw him this last time, something snapped in me, I actually wanted to let some light in for once. It's really hard to explain, but there is a certain peace my soul has lacked for the better part of a decade now, and the only real reason I didn't have it is because I wouldn't LET myself have it. As if this entire time I was punishing myself for something... When it finally hit me - I let go. It was very empowering.

Second was when I went out with someone from my "distant" past. In one night, hell in the span of a few hours... I found I couldn't lie to her, I couldn't be devious or sinister... I couldn't wear any mask around her. The conversation took me back to a much simpler time, in her terms... Really the most appropriate. She really set me on fire, and that inspiration has burned through me since.

That is what I will carry into next year...

YIR 2006

January - www.deadpixel.org goes on a short hiatus, the man gets me, ipod shuffle is awesome, MUNICH is one of the best films I have seen.

February - the new world, Scarlett and Kiera on vanity fair cover nekkid! past souls catch up with me... S.P.A. year 6, the grace.

March - blowout! meet Jessica, speeding ticket + chelz wedding! smitten, peaches. I have a gf!

April - Vegas, Baby. Paul + Rachel wedding, I realize I'm devious. Silent hill. Still have a gf! omg. I realize I can dodge bullets. Jessica and I break up (no more gf). 2 months!

May - Wilford Brimley kicks off ballgag reviews. Ballgag reviews immediately closes.

June - 666 day, I get a new car (silver fusion named damien), indifference. Bronto starts to wise up.

July - I'm invincible. I fall in love with FIREFLY (and Inara on the show). Officially Ikea boy now. Doubt sets in and I call her (set aside invincibility for a moment) - stonewall knocks some sense into me. Damn you clerks 2 and Rosario Dawson making my mind wander. I take my first step out of the darkness.

August - 6 year anniversary for the site, Damien gets a booboo. Project morningstar opens.

September - life is made up of moments, 250 dvds! 9.11 again :(... my desk gets ikearized. she wants revenge is awesome live, i dub a certain girl "syren" - artistic frustration.

October - Blind date @ fishbones. Joseph Arthur hugs me after his AWESOME show (and after I gush like a little girl), Annie Stela is wonderful. I stand up on my own two feet. Tigers kick ass :) up until the world series :( Crazy bitch becomes a favorite song of mine. Dr. McBronto costume.

November - This monster gets set on fire by a certain lady from a "Simpler" time. I take off a mask or two and realize I have my own skin. I'm inspired by a muse who was waiting backstage. I'm fucking awesome. Turn 28, thxgiving too. 10 year reunion which I actually enjoy. Time capsule was brilliant. WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Deals are struck! Exchanges are made!

December - More WIIIIII. I own tennis. I forgot I hate console games. Zelda gets put on ebay. Xmas is great. Shop, shop, and more shop. 350+ dvds

How did I do on last year's resolutions? (I looked, didn't really post resolutions for last year... whoops, lets see how the 2005 resolutions apply to last year)

1. Be healthier - I really meant to be healthier physically. Lose weight, eat better, exercise. Well, to be honest it didn't happen. I'm pretty much where I was last year :(... however I think #2 was more important.

2. Find peace - I had my "You'll never sink this boat" episode a very long time ago. My soul is much more at ease than it has been in a VERY long time. I'm much more comfortable in what I believe in.

3. Be happy - Happy as I can be. Happy, but never content. I don't think I will ever be.

4. Be a good Son/Brother/Uncle/Grandson - Still living in Royal Oak, which makes it hard sometimes. For a stretch there I pretty much fell off the map, not sure why. What I do know, is that I have the best family, ever.

5. Do NOT let WoW ruin my life - Haven't really played much in months... Expansion is coming out in a few weeks though... Going to try to maintain this time around.

6. Write more journal/poetry - I suppose not having to write constantly is a good thing. There were a few sparks of inspiration here and there... Must be the effect certain people have on me.

Anyways - RESOLUTIONS FOR 2007

1. Be healthier PHYSICALLY - I'm not getting any younger. I really want to make a serious effort to lose some weight, and eat better. I am planning on giving up pop again and switching to water (mmmm), also I want to starting making food instead of eating out all the time. I am pretty burned out on junk food. In the spring I am going to try and walk a bit or jog... The WII is a good workout too. Really looking to be thin(ner/ish) by 2007.

2. Wrap up soul searching - Now that the ship is heading on a somewhat straight path, decisions have to be made in regards to my future. I like my job, but for some reason I feel like there is something else out there.

3. Be there for my family - I probably missed a lot of things I should have gone to, which I am sorry for. Hopefully this year will be better.

4. Pay off EVERYTHING - still have a bill or two to pay off, really need to get that done so I can shore up my credit and start looking for my own place...

5. Let the dead lay - I said my farewells, and buried my dead. Some things are gone and gone forever. It might sound weird to say it like that, but it's really the only terms in which I can identify with it. I faced the skeletons in my closet, and the ghosts than haunt me. I am a stronger person for it. You can't hold onto everyone, so sometimes you just have to say goodbye.

6. Be me - I picked up a little bit of an ego this year, because I realized that I am truly awesome. I make everything around me better, and everyone I know is better off for having known me. I just need to make the rest of the world know that.

7. Find someone - I don't want to watch the ball drop alone next year :)

Looking forward to next year - My NEW NEPHEW DAVID!, Chaotic Evil WoW guild, 300 is going to be the best movie ever. Getting Joe back. Blowout for the 3rd year. Keeping up the exchange :)

So here I come 2007 - kicking in the door, guns blazing...

End note - There are no things above love and peace.


[x]pet project 1.

I have decided to start a sports blog. I have alot of things to say about the state of detroit sports as it happens... So hopefully I can keep this one up.


[x]Prelude to a reclamation.

Relevant - "Elephant" by Damien Rice (9)

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

I really like this song.


[x]something like that.

www.sinfest.net <- one of my favorite comics


[x]lots of keywords.

Share. Muse. Lonely. Phoning it in. Procrastination.

Soon as I get my head together, I will attempt to expand.



I got a wii. I am pretty darn spiffy at tennis.

Well, this year is winding down nicely. Things have been going pretty well lately. The wii is a blast. I am WAY backed up on my entertainment (probably not even going to tackle zelda until vacation) - Hit 323 dvds and it isn't even xmas yet.

I had my mom *cut* all my hair off. Didn't shave my head like I was planning on doing.

Also, I am sporting the McSteamy beard.

So, life is good. So are bananas.


[x]To me, from the past.

When I went to my reunion last night, I was handed my "Time Capsule" that I put together my senior year. I had completely forgotten about it. These were the contents:

1. My senior pictures - man was I skinny.
2. A few MAGIC cards, and a heresy card
3. An INQUEST magazine picture of a vampire eating a dove
4. 5 baseball rookie cards - none of which turned out to be stars (damn)
5. A flyer for 20 Mine playing at "The Zone" - Zac's band
6. A flyer for MY BOY OTTO playing at HUNKA PALUNKA - my band in high school.
7. 2 Pictures from my senior prom - Melissa and I
8. A picture from the 1994 Easter Michigan summer institute - 3 roomates + me
9. A picture of Christy Hall on the steps at my house in River Rouge
10. A jaguar journal - school paper with senior wills

John Lipscomb wills Jamie - Kindred, easy classes, leftover assignments, a car. Mike - slurpees (hitting a car at 7-11), mutual, c/show, bashing, Hootie, MBO, Camp. Jimmy - Detroit, Eazy-E (**** my baby's mama), who dat, ronald's room. Nick - clockwork orange, hotNnow, Foodland, Paul - Barton labatt, ooooooh Charlie. Noel - spring break girls. Bill - Meijers, MBO, Beohs, Dave T. - malls, track, redheads. Jamie F. -Tom- nice people blow. Steve -newt, ch.1, republicans. Senior girls (w/exceptions): my body. Melissa - Chuck E Cheese, Pez. Doug - Chemistry, Autos. Candice-Missy - whiteboys, Buick's, taco bell. Tim - Ginapolis, christened Hooters, Rudy. Beth- Solitaire, Jeremy-Zac- the hill, the zone. Bratten-Lee- Dukes of Hazzard.

... whatever that all means.

I kind of thumbed through it all there, but when I opened it at home I discovered this gem...

11. A handwritten note from myself in 1996 to myself in 2006.

SHELLY LOGSDON is the hottest girl in your school.

My Boy Otto logo 5-30-96

Your football team went to the silverdome.

Dear John (Mr. Lipscomb)

Well, if you're not dead, it should be 2006. Right now you were 17 years old, just finished high school. You are single as usual. Your best friends are Dave Trionfi, Mike Gillespie, and Paul Barton. You hang out with Nick McTurner.

You work at Foodland in the produce section. You move out at teh end of August to go to EMU. You have been in love with Melissa Magusin all year but she had to be a beooh (beyotch) and ditch you at prom. You at this time can not go a day without thinking about Christy Hall or the summer institute in 1994. Your favorite band is THE SMASHING PUMPKINS, and favorite song is "I hate it too" by HUM. John please don't have screwed up your life. You should be a teacher by now. Hopefully married with a kid or two. Say hi to your wife for me. You are a chronic shoplifter.

Right now you are so filled with pain and lonliness it fucking sucks. You are now learning from your mistakes - SO DON'T MAKE THEM AGAIN! Maybe now you will think love doesn't suck. You won't want to be a vampire anymore.

Right now you are sitting in the kitchen with an EMU hat on and a "Zero" t-shirt on. Just for my sanity remember who you were.

To the future,

John K. Lipscomb II

p.s. you were a virgin when you wrote this HAHA


[x]Alright, Alright. I was wrong.

You know, Tracy called me out earlier today.

Who was all of that animosity directed towards, anyway? I guess it was me.

... I ended up enjoying myself. No, really. There were alot more people there than I thought I would know, and everyone seemed pretty cool.

So, I will own up to my mistake. Sometimes I just get an idea in my head and it gets kind of distorted - like a mental game of telephone where I am the only player. Try stacking 10 years on that.

[x]10 year re-disillusion.

Well, today is my 10 year high school reunion... I'm not sure I could be less excited. I really don't feel like going at all, let alone dressing up and driving all the way down there.

I just don't care.

The only reason I am going is because this is one of those "Once in a lifetime" things. Would really hate to regret not going *rolls eyes*

There isn't anyone I'm dying to see. Hell, I don't even know 95% of the people on the list who are going. I only went there for 2 years, and coupled with the out of sight out of mind way I live my life - it will just be a bunch of strangers pretty much.

My "best friends" from high school I haven't talked to pretty much since graduation. I didn't grow up in the city - so I don't have those long ties with anyone. Few are the friends I have that are actually FROM Allen Park these days, and the vast majority of those are in another graduation year.

The 4 or 5 people I actually see from time to time will be there. Sweet.

All this is going to be is a just a measuring stick. How awesome is my life vs. everyone else? How much money do I make, what do I drive.

That used to bother me. I used to feel like I failed in the standards everyone else seemed to set for me. That did nothing but bring me down for a very long time.

I'm beyond all of that now. I'm not going to let some city or someone define who I am, who I was, or who I should be. Honestly if any of them let anyone do that I feel sorry for them. Because that's really pathetic.


It's all going to be fake. Everyone make sure you dress up in your best masks. Hopefully I won't be on the only one that has thrown mine away.



Well, I am officially 28.

Out of curiosity, I looked up who I share my birthday with:

Danny DeVito, RuPaul, Martin Scorsese, Daisy Fuentes (hot), Lorne Michaels, Tom Seaver, Gordon Lightfoot, Isaac Hanson, Sophie Marceau (hot), Louis XVIII, Flavius Claudius Julianus... and obviously many, many more people.

So happy birthday everyone, we share the coolest birthday.


[x]control as a defense mechanism.

I turn 28 unofficially in just under 2 hours (not sure what hour I was born in) - I wonder when I will actually start feeling old.

I haven't really posted anything serious in a while. It's not as if my life has gotten dull or anything - I've just been at a loss at how to explain what I am going through.

Alot of time has been spent here talking about what people "did to me" and how that has turned me into who I am today. Most of the time I looked at all of it as some kind of evolution. Growing into a stronger person.

Right now I am looking at what I have written and I know what comes next, I really do. I just don't want to say it. Because if I admit it I can't use it as an excuse anymore.

It's never what people do to you, it's what you let happen.

I've really made an effort to stop leaving things to whims and chances. Fate is such a romantic concept - which I believe in. It's just hard sometimes when you put your faith in something that never comes to fruition.

So, I've tried to be cold. I've tried to be the bad guy and asshole. I will admit, it's empowering. Confidence was something I haven't had in forever.

In my last relationship, I felt like I was in the driver's seat the entire time. There is this theory I have put together about relationships - someone always has the power over the other... Previously the women in my life had the power over me - mostly because I let them have it.

To her, I was hot and cold at will. It's a dangerous game to play if you try to control your emotions at all times. At some points it seemed like I was so far away even when she was right there - and I was screaming at myself to stop being so inhuman. We both had our faults, which we took out on eachother... Due to recent events I have disregarded her into irrelevance save one thing - it taught me an important lesson.

It wasn't her breaking up with me, it was me letting the relationship die. I didn't at any point give it a chance. Preferred to keep it restricted to what it was - convenience.

That's a horrible thing to say. Which is my point. All of that false confidence I told myself I had attained - it was all empty and false.

I can write about living in a castle, having armor around my soul, barb wire around my heart - The realization was that I put it there. Because growing up isn't about evolving - it's about finding out who you truly are.

At one point I realized there are no forks in the road, just one path that I was meant to walk. So there's really no point in worrying about the past, because some of those roads just ended up close and detoured, whereas others I just never got on.

Some people's paths cross over another persons. Due to recent events, it has also occurred to me that sometimes those roads you thought were long gone run right back into yours. These things happen.

The tricks is not to lament the moments that are gone, but to see them coming and snatch them right out of the air. You have to take what's in front of you.

Sometimes you just have to kiss the girl.

Lately I have been much better with everything. I'm confident, because there isn't a reason not to be. There is even a bit of ego too.


[x]The silence and space in between.

Relevant - "Vienna" by The Fray (How to save a life)

There's really no way to reach me... Because I'm already gone

Inspiration defaults into striking...

You're so far away
but I can feel you thinking
and this intermission
this violent calm and uproar
is the loudest silence I have ever heard.

I have to save you
take the plunge-
so I'll be the bad guy
so when it comes down to it
if necessary you can blame me
Not everything that feels so good is right.
and not everything that feels so wrong is bad.

In this afterthought
trying to rationalize
over my head
yet the most frightening thing
I can't seem to wear my mask around you -
making an honest man of me.

[x]The complication of simplicity.

What are you thinking about?

I'm still a bit stunned from last night.


[x]you know.

relevant - "You know what you are" by Nine Inch Nails (With Teeth)

Don't you fucking know what you are.

and now some of mine:

Our relationship driven
fueled by animosity
Our embrace
hands on eachother's throats
Love is not loathing.


[x]divine abyss.

I feel as though I have seen God
but I cannot remember what I saw
Though I have the answer
I have forgotten the question.



relevant - "Weapon" by Matthew Good

Careful, be careful
Careful, be careful
This is where the world drops off
Where the world drops off
Careful, be careful
You breathe in and you breathe out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
And you give in
And you give out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it again

and now some Nietzsche:

"He who fights against monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster in the process. And when you stare persistently into an abyss, the abyss also stares into you."


[x]the calm and the malcontent.

Relevant - "Kiss on the mouth" by Our Lady Peace

this swagger
stumbling in disguise
walking in a straight line
a focus to hide
all this writhing within
denial, discord

pained and malcontent
gnashing my teeth in the shadows
i've convinced myself there is
in fact, power here
don't you understand?
i need this sword for peace

your lips and mine
separate only by the tension
as we pause in this moment
where the world doesn't exist
it never did
only you and I matter

we can leave it all behind
right now
shed our skin and masks and reality
i know you're lost right now
because I can see it
reflecting in your eyes



Tigers just lost :(

Oh well, it was a great run. St. Louis just outplayed us, so congrats to them.

Hopefully we can make some adjustments and be back next october.

[x]If this song and lyrics apply to you, then apply yourself to me.

Relevant - "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry

Not literally, though... No more crazy bitches for the brontizzle.

AkA Dr. McSteamy-er... More on that later.



Think about this... Who in your life is expendable?

More on that later.


[x]Tigers win ALCS!.

Wow, last night was amazing. Maggs hit that shot in the bottom of the 9th and I think this area went crazy.

World series bound now, baby.

Oh, btw... I want to point out that cnn.com and espn.com were picking the A's to win. Cnn.com said "A's in six"... my ass.

Try tigers in a 4 game sweep.




[x]Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, GOODBYE!!!!!.

Middle 8th, Tigers 8, SPANKED 1.

Yankees only have one more at-bat.


Top of the 7th.

Tigers 8, yankees 0


[x]Tigers vs. spankees.

Right now it is the 4th inning and the tigers are SPANKING the yankees.



[x]With recluse abandon.

Where is this self-empowerment coming from?


[x]Joseph Arthur.

Relevant - "Breathe Through" by Annie Stela (there is a story here)
Relevant - "When I was running out of time" by Joseph Arthur (nuclear daydream)

They will fill you with big ideas
They'll hang your heart in the sky
I know you want to save the world
How long have you been that high
How long have you been that high
And did you make it all go away
You know your eyes look different when you look the other way
You've got a cheating heart bleeding emeralds everyday
You are a shooting star

I saw JOSEPH ARTHUR again last night in concert. Third time I have seen him live, he was in support of his new NUCLEAR DAYDREAM album (which is excellent).

I didn't have to, but I ended up going alone. At one point I was even considering skipping it... having a horrible day beforehand. I am glad I went-

Annie Stela was the opening act. Funny thing is, when I first saw her... she looked like Beth with blonde hair. Same height, body, features... Anyway she was amazing. Kind of a Fiona Apple/Tori Amos + more mix, but a little more poetic. I was enthralled. After her set I got to meet her, she was very nice and appreciative.

Then Joseph Arthur took the stage, this time with a full band behind him. The first two times I had seen him was more of an acoustic show. He played most of the songs on his new album (some of which I dig more having heard them live) and a few of his older stuff. The Magic Bag had A CLOCKWORK ORANGE playing on a screen behind him (which I will admit was kind of odd in some parts) but it didn't really detract from the performance.

I can't believe I had even considered missing what became one of the best shows I have ever been to - and this is what put it over.

I met him last time he played locally (last year for OUR SHADOWS WILL REMAIN) and he was really cool.

This time the merch table was swarmed, and it was really late (I think it was around 1am - had to work @ 5am the next morning) and I just wanted to say hi and tell him that I liked his new cd. I camped out in the aisle from the stage to the merch table and met up with him walking up. What I wanted to say was "Great show, man... I really like the new cd, thank you so much" but this is what came out:

"Thank you (as I shook his hand) - Thank you... (He says thanks, and I completely gush) You have helped me so much. I love you, man." and I literally almost start to cry.

He says "Thanks man, I love you too" and he hugged me. It was awesome.

So as we walked the rest of the way I told him how much I really enjoyed the show, and his new album... Then as he walked away I bid goodbye and told him I would come see his show whenever he plays around here... Then he disappeared in the swarm.

So, I completely gushed to my favorite artist. Which is embarrassing now that I think about it - but was special and blew my mind last night.

It's true. Ever since I heard "In the sun" on September 11th, 2002... His music has affected me. He sings about alot of things I can relate too - the struggle with faith, depression, lonliness... And overcoming those struggles - His music is one of the few things that saved me.

So, thank you.



dress devious, my favorite syren
and we'll go sailing
because i know how much you'll hurt me
i know how much damage you will do

conversations in my car
with a ghost
no gravity in this phantom reality
tell me ghost
are we dreaming the same dream?

she asks why i listen
to such sad tales
i reply
somber and sober
i share in such lament

[x]too much static.

Relevant - "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

For the first time in my life, I am scared to write... I have so much I have been building up over the past few months...

Most of the time I feel strong when I write... sometimes it's the only power I have over my demons... The only voice I have in the world.

Lately I feel like I could just scream, let it all out in one barrage of love, hate, anger, frustration, so many other emotions and states of mind - I feel like I AM screaming... and that I could make the world hear me if anything but static was coming out of my head.

I'm just afraid. I'm struggling emotionally, which I don't understand at all. It's like there is this barrier blocking my way to the rest of my life, yet I'm afraid of what's on the other side. I don't know what's holding me back...

The fear of letting go maybe? All of this keeps me grounded, but I want to shed all of this gravity/history and just let it all out.

I really want to.


[x]I want/She Wants Revenge.

I'm wiped out and I have been starving all day no matter what junk I have been shoving into my face.... Wtf.

Anyway. Last night saw SHE WANTS REVENGE at St. Andrews in Detroit. Awesome show and probably the coolest opening band title ever:





My desk, pre-ikea.

My desk, post-ikea.


[x]9/11, 5 years later...

I was going to go on my first political rant today, but I am just not up to it.

Today is a sad day, and always will be - for the rest of my life.


[x]2 5 0.

I have just reached the 250 dvd milestone. Actually, 251 in this last tally.



[x]Odd moments like this are what make us who we are.

Lately my room has been an evershifting labyrinth of swedish furniture, clothes, electronics, and digital media. One day I was looking around my room and just wanted a change. Finally, I got things more or less the way I want them, and took care of some stuff that I had been putting off for months.

When I got back from vegas I just kinda jammed my suitcase and overnight bag into my closet after taking the clothes out. About an hour ago I decided to clean out the closet as well. I went through both bags and threw most of the stuff away (damn packrat gene, thanks mom) and in the bottom of the bag under the board thing they used to stiffen the bag - I found the notes Jessica had written me to read on the plane there and on the way home.

I just stopped and stared at them for a good long minute. I guess I had forgotten about them (outta sight, outta mind) and being a glutton for punishment I read them. It's not like it really hurt or anything. It was just a really odd sensation of being in another place and time. It wasn't really anything important either, it was the "I miss you" "Biscuit" "Can't wait until you get home" stuff that anyone would write in an early relationship. There was no "I love you" or any of that (never really got to that point) - it was trivial. I've WRITTEN that letter before.

Hrm. I guess I don't know what I am trying to say... It was just odd.

Ah well, I tossed it. When I read them originally they meant something, however now they are just ink on a set of cards with a cat on them. It means nothing.



Relevant - "Hate me today" by Blue October

When I was busy fighting wars inside myself, you were trying to stop the fight.

Sometimes I feel like my soul is being torn apart...

hand up to the sun
to block the light from my eyes
to never embrace the blindness
i look down
and i see my shadow mocking me

on the corner
as you pull away
is it my destiny
to always watch you leave?

i'm not afraid of death
only of never being heard
of leaving things unsaid
of never making a mark or a scar


[x]project morningstar.

I guess that is a tentative title.

I am writing a story about the war in heaven between the factions of angels. I guess angels are something I have always been fascinated by.

Scratch that - I have WRITTEN the story. The plot and ending are done. Right now I am working on cleaning up the order of events. I will say this - it pretty much wrote itself (2 days) and, damn is it sweet.

What I need help with is the dialogue. Robbie was a great help brainstorming, and now I need someone with writing know-how to collaborate with. Joe's on board to oversee and help out further too (as much as his schedule will allow).

No kool-aid drinkers though. Apply to deadpixel@gmail.com



What is wrong with me lately? Everything seems so BLAH. Emotionally, physically, mentally... blah, blah, and blah.

What is keeping me off balance? I have been trying to write, and I felt as though I was on the verge of something...

Then nothing.


[x]a shot heard.

it took breaking you
to realize i may be in love
because it hurt to watch you cry
our caution
became an emotional shoving match
with our hearts
covered in barb wire.


[x]Buncha savages in this town.

So, I have my car for JUST UNDER 2 MONTHS and some person HAS to damage it. Ah well, it's not too bad, just a scratch along the front and back driver side door.

At first when I noticed it, I thought someone had keyed my car. With special effects you would have seen my eyes go red and a cloud of obscenities appear in some huge cartoon thought bubble.

Alas, no budget for that kind of thing.

With closer inspection, it appeared someone had rubbed up against my car with their mirror, or maybe someone caught it riding a bike or something. There was a split second of being upset, then the "it's just stuff" kicked in. Obviously it's a brand new car and fully covered, so it's more of a minor inconvenience than anything.

There was no note, no insurance info... nothing. The culprit gets away.... OR DO THEY? I mean, FFS my car's name is DAMIEN. It would be horrible for them to spontaneously combust or get into some other random "accident" like in the OMEN movies. I mean, these things happen.

Ah well, whatever. I dropped it off this morning to be fixed, and got a rental (not really fond of my Jeep Grand Cherokee) - will be getting my baby back on monday.



at the end we will all be martyrs
in our causes
a divine tragedy
i'm ready to take a leap of faith
just show me where to jump


[x]6 years!

This one almost slipped by me but www.deadpixel.org has been online for 6 years (with a few breaks from time to time).

How will we celebrate? I will NOT be standing outside of a former flame's house holding a boombox blaring "Peaches" by The Presidents of the United States, wearing an overcoat A LA John Cusack in SAY ANYTHING. Oh no. (sorry, daydream gone awry)

Well, it's a million degrees outside (was out in it all day) so any sort of outdoor activity is out.

I think I am going to relax, kick back in the central air and be happy.

With my site, people have come and gone (sometimes more than once) and things have changed... Speaking of, I am much better off then I was back then. What has really set in is that I am still here. Still here and still writing.

Future plans? I really need to update my other sections and maybe add or bring back some... Haven't really done so in over a year. I would really like to keep this profound streak going (nice to have something meaningful to say)

So, to you, my readers... I want to say thanks for indulging me. I don't really get alot of feedback anymore but I know you are out there. *hint* God bless.


[x]A trivial pursuit.

Full circle
where I am overburdened with faith
Unsure of where it comes from
how I have it
and no idea where to spend it
The world and everyone in it against me
to stone the only one who is sure.

My life is my life, and I make no excuses for it. I try not to regret too much anymore. I am not a religious person by any means, but I do like this saying:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Someday I will get into what I do believe in greater detail.

Events happen in my life. To me, they mean the world. To some degree we all have our own delusions to make our lives seem like so much more. We have our own fairy tales. Our own angels, our own demons...

As epic and beautiful things can be, as disastrous and desperate - it is how I perceive what transpires. My outlook. Whatever I write here, you as the reader may even relate to, but will never truly understand. I try to be honest here, as honest as I can let myself be.

However, regardless of my own little world - I am aware there is the REAL world out there. Call it sugarcoating my life so it's easier to take, easier to swallow. I am only myself, but would assume most people make their lives out to be more than they are.

My life is ME and the real world is everyone else. Yeah, it does sound kind of weird to spell it out like that. Our delusions are our way of coping when both worlds have to co-exist. It is religion being the opiate for the masses (Karl Marx) or love being the opiate for life (me). It is how we deal, plain and simple. What is in your head and heart is where you go to escape our mostly dull everyday lives.

The thing is, as "important" as things seem to me when they happen, however significant - We are anchored by reality. Being heartbroken in my mind foremost my concern - even though I am aware of the events transpiring in the world... Is it a proximity thing? My soul hurts as it is the closest thing to me. People all over are dying and suffering in different ways. Starvation, famine, disease, war, earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, cancer, AIDS, etc. etc. etc.

Those seem so far away - even though I can feel it in the air sometimes, which pains me. Does my heartache being more important to me make me selfish? Or are we so numb that we just take the world suffering for granted? Is our own realities an escape to not dwell on everyone else and their problems?

We need respite so we do not dwell. God help us all if it ever set in how bleak the world can be. If we ever accepted that. The illusions of grandeur we all experience - It is our emotional and spiritual defense mechanism.

What we see on TV and read on the internet or in the paper - those so far away might as well be on another planet. Another galaxy.

My point is... When the suffering hit close to home - I can't really say for anyone else... It just makes my problems seem trivial. That is the only gauge I ever get, when my dreams are dashed, my beautiful and tragic world finally seem as dull as the very existence we all try to escape from.


[x]Just for the record.

Relevant - "Lucky Man" by the Verve

The other night I emailed Jessica (I had deleted her phone number previously) and said that I needed to talk to her. About an hour or so later she called...

So why did I feel the need to talk to her? Like I have disclosed here a few entries ago, I did miss her. The past week leading up to a few nights ago, I guess it had come to the forefront. Some kind of obsession to know if she felt the same in our lack of contact.

To make this short story even shorter, I was immediately stonewalled when we talked. It seemed even before our first exchange, before her first breath she was on the offensive. "Take care of yourself, sugar" I said, and that was it.

I suppose I was mistaken to think I had left a lasting impression on her, or what we shared would stay with her. To wonder if she was thinking about what happened. As I said earlier maybe it was part of my ego to assume I meant something to her, or that she should miss me.

She doesn't miss me, and it became immediately apparent. It was almost shocking. Much like the last phone conversation in afterthought, we were talking even though there was nothing left to say. When I did reveal what I wanted to say that I did miss her, it was a weakened gesture due to the realization that I had, in fact, made a unnecessary mistake. It's unfortunate to realize I was the one with the inability to let things lay.

So, that is that. I will say I am more disappointed than hurt, although even less and less on both counts the more I think about it. I am done pining for situations where I am not wanted.

What was I thinking? I can't really explain it but I felt compelled. Now with some time and space between the phone call - Do I long for companionship, or did I really miss her?



Relevant: "Amie" by Damien Rice (album - O)

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away



I suppose when I write here, the strength of what I want to say comes and goes. Same thing when I write my poems. To anyone else really they are all the same thing, me trying to paint a picture in someone else's mind. This is where I will state that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometime's I'm on, sometimes I'm less on.

The more I take a leap of faith in trying to express myself, the deeper I go - The more I try to unburden myself... Those admissions make anything I say less familiar territory. Those admissions can lead to acceptance, which can be dangerous emotionally and physically. I guess it works both ways, good and bad.

Confused yet? If so then my point has been made.

There are a few rare instances where I have addressed someone in particular here. I have called out a few people both in retaliation and whim (to some personal regret) - however most of the time I allude or talk over my aim. Most of the time when I write it is in code or symbols... something that only the intended could decipher.

So where have I been this last month? I have written a few times over some unimportant topics, for the sake of putting something down. To give those who subscribe to my life something to gauge the pulse of my being. Yes, I am still here, and for those of you at home keeping score - something IS up.

Jessica and I broke up the last day of April (30th). We then broke contact a little over a month ago (June 19th). I will state the dates for my own record.

Here is where the intended kicks in. Either it be my ego or your curiousity that would make me believe you are going to read this - I guess where I am now is still in shock. You left me stunned, the condition I have endured since. Distraction both material and work-related have sufficed until the last few days.

Sometimes I have heard of or read about relationships in the sense of a "Whirlwind" and I really am struggling to find another term for my time with you (while trying to avoid negative terms like "Disaster" or "Controlled descent")

I'm still hurt. It took a lot of thinking to decide either it be not getting the last word in (respecting your wishes) or just plain longing. I let everything fall where it may. I guess in a way this is how it supposed to be, how then do I chastise myself for not fighting harder? Was it fate that stayed my hand when I just let you walk away? Did that acceptance lead to immediate defeat? Why did I just let it happen?

I won't lie - I think about you all the time. Yes, I do miss you on many levels... Once again call it my ego but I know I am on your mind. I have been off balance this past month, I'm not sure what is holding me together... or how long that will last. Just because I keep myself distracted most of the day doesn't mean I don't catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Perhaps a passing thought when I am alone trying to sleep in my and there is no where to run. Do you share these thoughts?

At this point I suppose what was unsaid and eating away at me has been admitted. There is regret, for what I have now realized in your absence.

This admission hurts more than anything, and whether it serves a purpose with us or not... Some words just need to be said.


[x]Oh, how fickle - my finger over the delete key (and the promised fireflykea).

I deleted 4 people from my phone yesterday. Now, I have a bad habit of doing so on a whim - which sucks a few months down the road I guess.


Ikea! - 4th of July weekend I bought a bunch of stuff at the ikea store in Canton. For the first time in my life I have furniture that matches. The place is insane and very maze-like. I need to buy a bed frame when I have the money for it, but I will probably buy more than that (damn impulse buys).

Firefly - A few months ago I picked up SERENITY at the video store and loved it. LOVED IT. So a few weeks ago I bought the FIREFLY series on dvd (also bought SERENITY). The show is one of the best I have seen... very smart. I spent my vacation assembling swedish furniture and watching the complete series. Which completely bummed me out when it was over.

Highly recommended - Start with the movie, if you like that then you will also enjoy the series... Even though SERENITY takes place after the FIREFLY series ends - it's a nice anchor to bring it all together.

Yes, and I am now in love with Morena Baccarin, who plays Inara on the show.



If you are going to press play - "Can't you see" by the Marshall Tucker Band.

Soon. Just think fireflykea in the meantime.


[x]invincible part 2.

Do you find it flattering
that I long for you?
Oh, the games we play.
The ulterior motives...
A winner, a loser.
A last word, a last laugh.
I know I cross your mind.
Are you flattering yourself,
by thinking this is about you?



If you are going to press play - "God's gonna cut you down" by Johnny Cash (American V)

I need to watch my karma.



your malady
was never my fault
nor mine yours
try as we could
destined to lose
intertwined in our distraction


If you are going to press play "Indifference" by Pearl Jam (Versus)

i will light the match this mornin', so i won't be alone
watch as she lies silent, for soon light will be gone
i will stand arms outstretched, pretend i'm free to roam
i will make my way, through, one more day in hell...
how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make...
i will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
i'll keep takin' punches until their will grows tired
i will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
hey i won't change direction, and i won't change my mind
how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make..
how much difference...
i'll swallow poison, until i grow immune
i will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
how much difference
how much difference
how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make...



they say everyone dies alone
i guess we were together and alone
and the slow leak of familiarity came
until our song went silent
to learn the most when you are gone
and now sinister with a smile.


[x]mission accomplished.

If you are going to press play "Everything Changes" by Staind (chapter V)

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

...the rest of the song is appropriate too.

*shrug* The spell has been broken and finally I am free. Thank you.


[x]Damien, world - world, Damien.

If you are going to press play - "hotride" by THE PRODIGY (Always outnumbered, always outgunned).

I picked up my new ford FUSION today and I absolutely love it. I picked a silver instead of a red, because I wanted the leather interior. I have named it DAMIEN.


[x]Ah, fuck it - happy 666

If you are going to press play - "Long hard road out of hell" by Marilyn Manson/Sneaker Pimps - Spawn Soundtrack, Marilyn Manson - Lest We Forget (Best of)

You never said forever, could ever hurt like this

Thankfully I have a loose set of guidelines when it comes to religion... Anyway, in honor of today I have decided to get a RED ford fusion (hopefully).


[x]pulling myself together by tearing myself apart.

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?
- "Cold Water" by Damien Rice (album - "O")

This song cuts right through me in a way I have never felt in my life... I just wanted to share that.


[x]a necessary avalanche.

there's daylight in my fingers
but it's snowing in my bones
been sucking on the echo
of a thousand telephones - and when we meet again, we'll be strangers
- "only the lonely" by David Gray

every bit of intimacy
letting your guard down
tearing down the walls
taking off your armor
exposing your shore to a storm
waves that can be buried
but never will rescind


ashes scattered
within the pyre of the season
you can never be a phoenix
unless a part of you perishes
slash and burn in retreat or advancement
the only way to become
more than i am


[x]the tragedy of never meeting your muse.

If you are going to press play - "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice (album - "O")

and my sighs are italics
when i breathe i can feel it
because all of this silence and solitary is a story
stuck in this moment
shutting my eyes and looking at you
always you as it has always been and always will be
so elusive
i have reached out as far as my heart can feel
faith being the sole difference
between a prologue and an epilogue.


[x]don't look at me like, i am a monster.

and when they leave
the take the colors with them
to leave me alone in grey
once again lost
in familiar territory

in a sigh there is nothing
where once i could close my eyes
and play the trust game
no one to catch me again
we are a mirror shattered
reflective in our broken hearts

if you are going to press play - "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley

I am at a loss. I'm lost.


[x]ballgag reviews opens!.

After putting my review of the punisher up the other day, I was finally inspired to put into action an project years in the making...


So far I have 3 of my friends signed up as writers, and I am looking for more to contribute. This is going to be a site to review and post anything and everything. Should be fun.

Right now it's just kind of thrown together to get the ball rolling, more function over style. Hopefully I can get it cleaned up soon and add more features.



I just watched the recent PUNISHER movie. I can sum up how I feel about it in one sentence...

The body count was 20.

Normally I wouldn't keep track of such a thing, but towards the end it became REALLY easy. And 20 might be a generous number.

I can buy Thomas Jane as the punisher. I really can. However besides that THIS FUCKING MOVIE WAS A PIECE OF SHIT.

Dolph Lundgren killed more than 20 people in one sitting in the 80s version of THE PUNISHER with Louis Gossett Jr. I remember him gunning down an entire room of samurai. Guns vs. swords - no it wasn't fair and IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR.

For fuck's sake the in the new movie the punisher used a BOW, a fucking BOW! Hey, Wilford Brimley called, he said he left his bow over your house. He said it was the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

You know what? Beside being one of the most hardcore character in the Marvel universe, I suppose the title was dead on. Because I feel PUNISHED for watching horrible movie. Hey, marvel execs, way to totally disregard the source material. You know what? MAN ON FIRE is my Punisher movie. They didn't water down anything, and there were no stupid secondary characters. Denzel Washington was sticking bombs up people's asses and cutting fingers off.

Don't get me started on the score, either. It felt really generic and didn't fit at all. I'm pretty sure they ripped it from another movie, too.

He GOT HIS SYMBOL ON A T-SHIRT. You know how they say an infinite amount of monkeys typing on an infinite amount of typewriters would eventually produce Shakespeare? Well I think the producers of this movie just had one monkey chucking feces at the random plot elements on the wall.

GG Marvel.



a shame we should use all of that momentum
to make crashing that much harder
but hey
you gave me back my vulnerability
by breaking my heart.


[x]A day under the blankets (in a bad way).

I love the warm air
and the green in the trees
I can breathe in spring
because the world is so beautiful
everything is full of life
Yet the sun is out
and even though i can feel the warmth on my face
I look down at my shadow
and realize I may never escape.

[x]These conversations kill.

If you are going to press play - "Big Empty" by STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
Time to take her home, her dizzy head is conscience laden
time to take a ride, it leaves today, no conversation

Last night Jessica and I broke up. It's not really anyone's business why, so I won't go into the details. This is just something to mark the occasion.

I will say one thing - It's a shame. We had been dating just under two months, and after the way everything went in the beginning... I was completely smitten with her. I think both of our lives, the background static... Just kind of evaporated into some kind of euphoria, and for a while it didn't matter.

In every relationship there is strain. Ours was no exception. Sometimes some of that background static bleeds through. It's unavoidable when you put two people together who have been seriously hurt in the past. A few weeks in it started.

The night of my sister's rehearsal dinner - we had a conversation and I could tell she was struggling with it. The kind of struggle I was having as well within, yet was not yet revealing. I closed my eyes in my truck as I sat there in the parking lot. I wasn't crying but I could feel the tears rolling down my face... As if somewhere far away beyond all the defense mechanisms and numbness it was getting through.

We agreed to see eachother in person afterwards. When I was there, face to face - I looked into her eyes and had one thought -

We are going to fall apart under our own weight.

For lack of details - this is pretty much what happened.

In one of her emails to me lately she used the phrase "Squeezing a year long relationship into two months" - and I agree. Too much, too fast. I think this is the only relationship I have ever been in that hasn't had a one-sided ending. This is just what's best, regardless of how either of us feel. Like I said it's a shame.

She offered to be friends, and I refused. Not being cold - I am just done fighting those hopeless battles. There is no going back... Doing so would do nothing but insult what we had, and just keep the rainclouds over us that much longer when we are both looking for our own ways back into the sunlight.

But, for the record - It does hurt.


[x]a relevant thought of horizontal.

If you are going to press play - "Devil's Broom" by Joseph Arthur (album - our shadows will remain)

Every time when I can't get enough to make it
Give me back every sense that I used to have
Waking up with my face down on the pavement
Everything that I own in a garbage bag

Where are you?
What did I do?
Why can't you see?
You mean everything to me...to me

Waking up in the tank, disorderly break-up
And no one here will even tell me what I did
With the guilt and the shame completely vacant
It's hard to stay alive when you don't know how to live

Where are you?
What did I do?
Why can't you see?
You mean everything to me...to me

Since you've gone ain't nobody else gonna save me
Cause I can't trade a bottle for an empty room
I just pray that the lord gonna come down and take me
Sweep me off the floor with the devil's broom

Where are you?
What did I do?
Why can't you see?
You mean everything to me...to me


[x](SIGH)lent Hill.

I had been looking forward to this movie for a few months...

Why can't we push the envelope in american horror? Where is the uncompromising vision that scares the hell out of you?

Argh. There was so much of this movie that was really amazing. The visuals were insane. I know that

What pisses me off is halfway through the movie they introduce a bunch of crappy secondary character to tie in with the lame backstory... And it takes you out of everything you spent the previous hour buying in to.

They always do this. Everytime they adapt anyting they screw it up. The stupid kid sidekick in THE CROW. Nancy (jessica alba) not gettind naked in SIN CITY *I mean FFS she is supposed to be the hottest stripper in the world and gets naked all over the place in the comic*.

I hate kid sidekicks. I hate crappy secondary characters. I hate when they use some candyass stupid backstory to tell us what we already know (or don't need to know) - can we please stop assuming the audience are idiots?

Too much compromise destroyed this movie. Almost, Christopher Gans (director - also directed BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF which I loved) - you almost had it. What could have saved this would be a re-edit. 2 hours could have been a tighter hour and a half.

Sigh - well there is always J-horror. THE RING is still my favorite horror movie. I mean HORROR. I want to be kept up at night scared, not scratching my head why they screwed up another perfectly good concept.


[x]chaotic neutral.

The past is nothing more than a fuse lit behind us.

The worst part of this game is realizing I'm playing it.


[x]holding pattern.

How many people look PAST their vacations?

First I want to congratulate my sister Chelsie and my new brother-in-law Brad on a wonderful wedding. Everything went well, and I want nothing but the best for you now and in the future.

This past weekend has been a blur. In all honesty, all of March was a blur. I've changed since the blowout, since I met her. My life went from a sort of defeated calm to a complete uproar with everything going recently. The blowout, St. Patty's, my sister's wedding... Las Vegas for Paul and Rachel's wedding this week.

I leave on thursday, but for some reason I am aleady looking forward to getting home. Is that wrong? It's not that I don't want to go, I know I will have a good time and should be alot of fun to see the boys again in Sin City. I shouldn't be looking past this trip, because I feel that it will be a significant event.

The odd feeling is - I have felt like this for the past few weeks. Everything that has came and went... I guess it has all been spent with one foot in the present and one in the future. Which I suppose is better than one in the present and one in the past... the way I have spent the majority of the past 5-6 years of my life.

There is just this sense of guilt within, I can't put my finger on it quite yet. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Maybe I feel guilty because everything has been so hectic, and I just want a return to normalcy. Work should be getting back to normal in the next week or two, so that should be really nice. Or maybe I am just looking forward to having something to come back to for once, should be a really nice feeling to know that I am going to be missed.

Everything is so jumbled. I don't even know what to say. Does any of that make sense?



THEdeadpixel: how's this for irony
KaiohX: ?
THEdeadpixel: i go to pick up these candle lighter things for my sister's wedding today
THEdeadpixel: and
THEdeadpixel: it takes me an hour for a 20 minute drive due to construction
THEdeadpixel: so i get there
THEdeadpixel: and i have no license
THEdeadpixel: so they won't let me rent them
THEdeadpixel: so i freak out, and start driving home to look for it
THEdeadpixel: with no license
THEdeadpixel: for speeding
THEdeadpixel: so
THEdeadpixel: he hooks me up with 5 over and nothing else (thank god)
THEdeadpixel: and i finally get home
THEdeadpixel: where is my license?
THEdeadpixel: in the bank withdrawel envelope where i was WITHDRAWING MONEY FOR MY SISTER AS A WEDDING GIFT
THEdeadpixel: /wrists
KaiohX: LOL


[x]smitten & levels of caution.

If you are going to press play - "Peaches" by The Presidents of the United States of America.


[x]Smiling on the inside for once.



[x]I'll sleep when I'm dead.

I have been up for 31 hours. That's not really a big deal in itself, but throw on top of that the BLOWOUT last weekend which really threw off my sleeping schedule... The combination of the two has completely wiped me out.

Went out with Jessica for the first time tonight - the THE HILLS HAVE EYES prescreen. Decent slasher flick I guess... Entertaining, but I probably won't buy it.


[x]Blown out.

Bleh. Second day hangover from the MetroTimes BLOWOUT. Saw some excellent bands (The Sights, Red Rocks, Hellen, Natives of the New Dawn, The Hard Lessons, to name a few) - Met a few of the bands.

I had a great time, the afterparty was awesome. (Still feeling drained from the whole thing).

Made some new friends. So, all in all, life is good and definately looking forward to next year.

Other than that - the only bad thing that happened was some drama with a (unsure of status) friend.


[x]Into uncharted territory.

Every path shattered glass
a reverse fork in the road
darkness behind
oh and these dangerous games I play
turning off the headlights
and stepping on the gas.



If you are going to press play - "The Grace" By NEVERENDING WHITE LIGHTS

In better days I've been known to listen
I go to waste all my time is missing

I'm mapping out my ending,
it's never gonna happen now
These things are condescending
with everybody backing down

You pray to stars that can help you get by
And all at once you forget to try

I'd go there if you let me,
they're never gonna find me now
My life is always empty
and in and out of doubt

Your not coming back for me, these things they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong

I'll get back to you,
God knows I try,
but I still lose
And I get back to you,
these days run by,
but I still lose

Angels say they can make you suffer
They give and take like a vicious lover

When all this loses meaning,
You'll never want it back somehow
Awake but still I'm dreaming
And never waking up

Alone...Where I'm not alone


[x]6th annual S.P.A. day

... this is getting depressing :(

[x]Finally walking out of the graveyard.

If you are going to press play - "The Ghost Of You" by My Chemical Romance

It's just not worth carrying around this much hate. It's alot of baggage that has been corrupting me like a cancer from the inside out...

Since last November I have re-established various countacts... I have talked to Jenn, Lori, Madonna, and Beth... The air was cleared on every occassion. Am I crazy to have done this? Maybe... Just been so long without any sort of closure it was destroying me. There were things that needed to be said and were.

When you seperate from someone, you leave a piece of your heart with them. They take it and leave... and for some reason you long to have it back. I guess I have found peace in that now. I don't mind it so much... They can have them, because in the space they took was replaced a piece of them.

It's these pieces that make us who we are.

For the first time in 6 years I am realizing that's not such a bad thing. Sometimes you CAN let the dead rest in peace, and let the ghosts finally move on.

What have a gotten in return? Peace. I have been doing dinner with Jenn on mondays for the last month or so (which I enjoy). Lori and I haven't seen much of eachother but things were cleared up. Madonna and I have had some long conversations about movies and alot of things I didn't even know we had in common. I just started talking to Beth tonight, it went well... and I am hoping we can have a good time at Chelsie's upcoming wedding and on other occassion.

At this point, it is about what IS as opposed to what WAS. What IS - is a welcome change of emotional scenery...



If you are going to press play - "Love and Memories" by O.A.R.

Yes, JB just bought an issue of vanity fair.

It is NOT fair to have Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley nekkid on the cover!

[x]What's taters, precious?

What is an ub3r g33k to do with fr1d@y off? Well there is snow on the ground outside, it's cold (I spend enough time out there), and my WoW character is being "worked on".

So, what am I to do with all this time?




[x]bday 2005 redux.

Uhh... ok I know it has been 3 months but I finally got around to fixing the photos on my bday 2005 page.

check it out here!


[x]The New World.


I can't really recommend this movie to anyone, because I can't think of anyone who would like it or feel it like I did. It just hit me, square... right in that spot between your stomach and your heart.

This movie has Colin Farrell and Christian Bale (one of my favorite actors) in it. Both are really good...

However, this movie is all about Pocohontas, played by Q'Orianka Kilcher. She absolutely lights up the screen every moment she is on. I can't recall someone who has acted so powerfully in a movie. Normally I am all about how beautiful an actress is, etc. - This was so much more.

Her character is so full of life it tears you apart. I am really at a loss right now. She's amazing.

My buddy Hump told me going into this that there wasn't much dialogue in the film. There isn't. At least, not nearly as much as you are used to. It's suits this movie so well...

It really reminded me what falling in love is all about. It's not about words... It's about innocence. It's more about what isn't being said, it's about the silences in between. It's in those moments you fall in love. It's touch, it's that instant where you steal a glance at someone when they aren't looking. It's when you eyes meet...

It's in the tension and hesitation. It's when your heart is beating out of your chest in nervousness and you are nothing but elated. It's when the only sound is breathing, it's when they are close...

And here I am trying to put into words... always words, everything I write, every poem - trying to describe something that has nothing to do with words.


[x]Oh, that's why.

If you are going to press play - "Perfect Situation" by Weezer

Got fitted for my tux today for Chelsie's wedding, then took her to lunch. I just wanted to note today, because her version of why Beth didn't work out is absolutely hilarious.

So, thanks for the laugh.


[x]Something light.

Logan and Ariel



[x]Reviews - Tristan & Isolde, Underworld: Evolution, Munich.

TRISTAN & ISOLDE - ****/5 - I liked it, and I am sure all the 16 year old girls loved it too... Sophia Myles is hot. Will probably buy it because I am a sap.

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION - **/5 - Mishmash sequel. Some fairly cool sequences (Kate Beckinsdale shedding the leather). Fairly predictable, however I did like how some of the main and introduced characters were thrown away like water. The "Evil person wanted to awaken/release a greater evil" has been done before.

MUNICH - *****/5 - Excellent film. Best movie of 2005. I'm not going to say anything about it, go see it.


[x]losing weight doing the ipod shuffle.

I'm sorta sick. I think I took too many over-the-counter drugs yesterday, which hopefully will beat this flu to the punch.

Flu + work = suck.

Anyway, in addition to eating MUCH better (making food instead of fast food, drinking water), I have gone back to the gym over this past week. The plan is 3 nights 1 hour cardio, 3 nights 1/2 hour cardio and 1/2 hour with weights. 1 night to rest and cheat the fuck out of my diet :)

So far it has been going really well. I have started working out and eating better and stopped a bunch of times in the past few years... However (hopefully) this time it will be different. I mean, it FEELS different.

I guess for the first time in my life I am worried about my future health. That and (probably as important) I hate how I look. I'm overweight and just kind of feel *blah* all the time.

I promised myself as my one major resolution was to just change all of that. It's been working, finally I am obsessing about something positive. There is just this overwhelming sense of GUILT when I whine that I don't want to go to the gym or make something to eat. It's kind of like a voice in my head telling me that I am going to feel like shit when I show up looking like I do in April for Paul/Rachel's wedding in Las Vegas.

BTW vacation booked and paid for w00t.

Anyway, god help me if I look and feel like this for my upcoming 10 year reunion. (If I decide to go that is) - I'm not sure if I care to. *memo for future entry*

Finally, my FAVORITE xmas gift that I received this year is my IPOD SHUFFLE. It's the smallest one (512mb) and is exactly what I asked for. I wanted something small that I could use at work (as opposed to my bulkly 20gb lyra which is going to be on ebay soon).

I love it. I realized something a few weeks ago when I was listening to it. Ever look at a collection of cds/dvds/mp3s and nothing look interesting? Well I have over 230 dvds now and sometimes I look at my collection and nothing grabs me to watch. It was the same with my lyra... I had my whole music collection and it just became a bother to go through it all.

However, the shuffle takes all the guesswork out of listening to music. You hit play and a song comes on at random (or can be set to play through). I keep mine on random, and if a song comes on that I like, cool, if not, click - something totally different. It's great for work.

AND it's even better for working out. I used to get to the gym and get bored quickly, and would end up cheating myself for time. I've solved that problem. I have about 100 songs on the shuffle, all kinds of music. Another trick I use is to put songs on there which have emotional significance in my life. Keeps my brain going and keeps me from getting bored. Anything that strikes a chord in me, from some person to event... I just zone out and before I know it the hour is up.


[x]I fought the law, and the law won.

Whew. Almost overslept this morning for court where I was trying to "Stick it to the man".

Should have known when the ATM I normally go to was out of service :(

Didn't have much of a defense I suppose (speeding) - but I was going to try and get out of the points... I sat through about 5 cases ahead of me in the courtroom and no one gotten out of anything (officer was there). The case before me the guy asked to get out of the points and the judge told him there was nothing he could do about that. Points are apparently handled with the Secretary of State.

I was called up and said that I was guilty but apologetic, and I wasn't disputing what the officer said. If he said I was over, then I was over (It's his job) and that if there was no way to get the points removed then I would just pay it.

So, I paid the ticket ($140) and when I was walking out of court building, the officer was right behind me. I stopped him, extended my hand, and said "Thank you" - he kind of gave me this taken aback look, and shook my hand.

I told him that the ticket capped off the worst day in my life, and that everything had been better since. We chatted about the judge being a hardass for a moment... And that was it.

He probably doesn't have alot of people that say "thank you" for the citations he gives out. I assured him I was being genuine.

He doesn't know, but that day was the day the depression broke. Something snapped in me, something finally gave way... I mean FFS if I was having a panic attack about a speeding ticket (which just comes down to money). I'll make more.

There were other things that happened prior to that day, but it's all really trivial. I'll always make more money.

"The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." - Fight Club


[x]Starting over.

There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future. ~Shri Haidakhan Babaji

I heard that quote in a preview for a movie today. I looked it up and found it appropriate for an opening...

Well, here we go again. Some slight site redesigns coming, and some honesty too.