11.07.2011

[x]the villains sleep tonight, but never sleep alone.

it was all part of the plan
keeping the lines of communication open
to see my success their failure
to see my rise their fall
and here i am
suffering the reverse
this was the hurt that was meant for them
all of the villains sleep tonight
wrapped up in the blanket of their justifications
and yet never sleeping alone
i struggle with the lack of poetic justice
but it drives me just the same
when everything i write just attemps to make sense of it all
but can't seem to make it add up
this carrot on a stick denial
how it even possible to lament
something that isn't even real
what never was, what isn't, and what never could've been?
their happiness
and whether benevolent or malevolent
puts a magnifying glass on my loneliness
to the point of where
i'm my own worst critic exponentially
with nothing better to do than
to self analyze and overthink
something that should be so simple
simply leaves my soul a mess of blackbirds
trying to find their way out of the dark

[x]Prettier with the wounds.

playing russian roullette
until all of the love is gone
i've dodged all of the bullets
and maybe that's the problem
when i was a good boy
those bad girls ran right over me
when i was a bad boy
i let the good girls walk right on out of my life
now my soul is covered in tire tracks
and i long for the good girls who i let go
because it was never good enough
looking past what was already shiny
to something shinier still
left to my own devices
i keep everyone at an arm's length
never letting anyone get too close
or fully slip away
without distraction
there is only my reflection
and in the mirror i can see that even though i've healed
there's a part of me that almost misses the pain
uncomfortably numb
i felt prettier with the wounds
than i do with the scars

8.20.2011

[x]the sun orbiting her earth.

she came and i went
and just for a split second
i was the sun orbiting her earth again
thrice shiny
trying to catch her was like collecting all of the lights
as they reflect from a disco ball
while doing this dance again and again
she became an adage
like a fish in the sea
and i had to stop
as her walls went up higher and higher
faster than i could overcome them
up and up she goes allegedly
and from her point of view
i may be retreating
but the truth is i'm simply standing still
and just too exhausted to love you anymore

7.19.2011

[x]Shadow.

my shadow is longest before the dusk
these days i'm chasing the sun
it's lonely in my pursuit
when i no longer take my shadow for granted
we're shackled together at the ankle after all
and when the days are hard
i can almost feel the pull, the resistance
i look back as if to say
"I know you're still there"
and when I wave it waves back at me in unison
hard to get a read on it's blank face
but from it's posture it just seems smug regardless
always eager and willing....
ready to switch places again

7.11.2011

[x]So Devised.

she tells she wonders what if
when she knows i'm thinking why not...
neither of would ever deny it's there
or always have been
she was the one who came for me
but i was the one who struck the match
and just like that
we slept in it's fire
since she went away i've been left burning
ablaze in these idle moments
and all of the spaces in between sleep and dream
whenever i let this memory swim
the one that doesn't seem to want to fade
i struggle to define what it is about her
yet knowing exactly what it is at the same time
this attraction based solely upon
the only sadness of my emancipation
it was in this grey area
i was finally so devised
that i started to take what i wanted
both her and everything else since
in her non malicious fashion she toys with me
and i am forever content being her plaything
as i lay in wait and want
for another proof of my elusive deity

[x]Seasonal Unaffective Disorder.

in quiet moments i can close my eyes
and be standing in the snow
i can open them and see my breath before me
and feel the cold on my face
in the visions there is no sound
until the 85 and partly cloudy snaps me out of it
this seems to be the opposite
of season affective disorder
because the unexceptional weather leaves me unaffected
every day is almost exactly the same
at the very least in the sunshine
i can't feel myself dying anymore like i used to
i just can't feel myself living either
yet every once in a while
we get those rare grey days
every time it's overcast it's like god's trying to relate
and i like to think that maybe i did this
and i'll stand in the rain like an idiot
when there's nothing but sunshine
it's easy to get homesick in the contrast

6.09.2011

[x]greener grass.

One by one they came and went
in these elimination rounds
tonight history is being re-written yet again
when the could have been
become never were's
we agree to meet
and when she show's up
of course she's as beautiful as could be
i hop the fence to get there
and we dance barefoot
in the greener grass
until i am good and dizzy
but after the room stops spinning
everything's the same
and it almost makes me sad
to realize how much i've changed
when i can't bring myself to tell her
"Say the word, and this could be home"

[x]decade.

will this wander/lust of mine ever be sated?
a hobby of mine
seems to be digging
through the skeleton closets of my past
oh what fun
i don't know what i'm looking for
but it has got to be here somewhere
i find a box marked zero zeroes
and blow off the dust
yet stop short from opening it
with a foreboding sense of hurt
there was pain in there
when i closed it last
has the statue of limitations expired
or has it accrued interest?
i open it...
we were kids, we weren't ready
i keep telling myself
chalking this up to adolescence -
doesn't change any of these scars, though
all i know
is that they led to many more
as i tried to find a substitution
everything since she left
just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy
seems all i can find
is diluted versions of her...
how do i reconcile this last decade
when she finally picks up the phone
and starts finishing my sentences?

[x]strewn.

depending on who you ask
this mess behind me
could be the wreckage of a crash
or the debris from an explosion
here at the bottom
there's nowhere left to fall
so all i have left is to move forward
there is no going back
yet that doesn't stop me from trying-
every step back
just ends up cutting my feet
so I stop moving altogether
to appreciate the beautiful mess i've made
this mosaic of everything
strewn about
i'm standing still
pondering if i can keep up
if i'm healing faster than i'm breaking
or just too stupid to realize that i'm still crashing

[x]37,000 feet and stuck.

I leave in the light
and return in the dark
she said she'd follow me there
and yet she's not here anymore
and i'm not there
between points a and b
are two homes
all of a sudden
I'm at 37,000 feet
and stuck in the middle
I can't identify myself
knowing that i am two different people
in either location
as if these two halves
of all of my strengths and weaknesses
cancelling each other out
it doesn't make any sense to say
but in between both of these lives
I am none in the same.

5.02.2011

[x]1160.

to say you always want what you can't have the most
would be a cliche of vast understatement
the fact that i can't have her right now
makes me love her even more in absence
realizing that none of this means anything at all
if she's not there to share it with me-
so this is me fighting to get back home
my heart is where you are
if you only could see the subtitles of these conversations
it would betray me over and over again
the very words of this
are my letters of intent to return
in my absolute impatience
it's hard for someone like me
to accept that the stars are going to have to align
to light our way back to one another
i'm not asking you to wait for me, either
but i think we can both agree it's a nice thought...
until then
i will be forever wounded in her compliment

[x]99% gamble.

here i am
telling anyone that will listen about my new masterpiece
i try to sell it before the brush has even touched the canvas
i have to stop wanting something so beautiful
so much that it manifests itself to me before it's even real
trying to believe
with every bit of my charlatan heart
that a 1% chance
will be 99% that much more worth it
here we go again...
so come one, come all
come see my delusions of grandeur
that lead me to nothing but recluse abandon
where i never worry about her scenery
none of that matters when i'm infatuated
this grand scheme of wanting it enough
enough for the both of us
i'm too busy painting us by numbers
i can't be bothered with... details...
when all i'm trying to do
is fill in the blanks

4.07.2011

[x]the attention she commands.

come back to me, baby, when you're about to break
oh, i understand the attraction
not many people get to my age so unscathed
my soul is not bitter nor shattered
as so many others that have fallen or settled
i watch them every time
as they fall in love
with the complexity, the measured eloquence of every statement
so look in my eyes
and find solace in the rogue again
just make sure that you deserve me
because i'm not settling for anything less
than an epic love
if you're going to be with me
then be ready to take on the world
because i will not be contained
or collected, or possessed, or bought, or sold
as so many of your predecessors have tried to do
they never learned the one lesson
that i have to teach
if you're going to try and love me
then buckle up, sugar
and hold on as tight as you can
don't you dare let go if you're that lucky
for me to actually love you back
because the one thing you need to know about the woman i love
is that she is only as good as the attention she commands

[x]press release.

my hand has finally been forced -
i will no longer be overtaken
by simple proximity
because the end never justified the means
i have settled for way to long
this is the line i had to draw
when made to suffer doubt one too many times
this is directed at you
my future will no longer be limited by your pasts
because i am better than that
i had to be reminded
of who and what is actually worth pining for
what i once thought superwomen
is nothing when measured against the standard
that i actually remembered to pack this time
i haven't been me in forever
the way i stuck myself in your empty spaces
and calling myself defined
by whatever would fit in your mad libs template

[x]running the gambit.

things have come full circle so many times
that i'm dizzy
i must have gotten turned around -
trying to find my way back to where i belong
though all of the characters beckon
and call home something different
right now i don't know if i am existing
in the prologue or epilogue of my life
all i know is this main character
is capable of both heroism and villainy
i am the pro-antagonist if there is such a thing
so, in my heart's metaphoric reality
please don't fault me for pressing advantage
as i run this gambit
daring myself with every passing day
how many of these plot threads can i maintain
until they weave themselves into a life line
or fashion itself into a noose?

3.07.2011

[x]She's here and then she's gone again.

the phone rings and she comes back to me
as if summoned in some ritual
i must have stumbled upon the right combination of words
or perhaps my heart just willed it so
did you finally pick up on the words
or was it just my thoughts and prayers?
and so the scales finally balance
knowing that we were always greater than the sum of our parts
it's funny how we could always slow dance in a minefield
as long as our eyes were closed
yet there we were
doomed by circumstance
we spoke and picked up where we left off
as i am sure we always will be able to
yet there is an undercurrent of another narrative
as if to say "we're okay"
because i wish you could see some of the things you never knew
and feel some of the things i've never expressed
so you could finally understand
that in my hesitation i was damned either way
yet i still reflect on the pause that i gave, that she never saw
and the sheer irony
of her loving me because i was leaving
and then having to stop because i was gone
this was the gamble i took and lost when i left you
just for a moment, i wish you could see
how the cost of loving you with everything that i am
was breaking my own heart in the process
[x]Perpetual Muses.
when there's nothing left to burn
lonliness is my only cruel mistress
in this void, this vaccuum
all of her predecessors come to call
and fight amongst themselves for prominence
this is where i come to worship
these perpetual muses
that i pray to and keep at an arm's length
and who answer in whispers and insights
i miss every single one of them for better or for worse
why wouldn't i?
they all leave holes in my soul one way or another
with the pieces i have freely gave to some
or the pieces that they cut out of me by others
these blank spots are filled with the parts of them
or left with wounds just the same
and here i am older and i would like to think somewhat the wiser
finally accepting that this is my DNA
this is who i am
i know was blessed or cursed with a heart that has a photographic memory
because i can still feel all of them on my fingertips
and probably always will
all it takes is a song or note or thought to set it off
to put me right back in that moment
my life's lesson is a simple one
i've spent so much time in the grey area
that I can now see the finer points of black and white within

2.12.2011

2.07.2011

[x]Love and Signal Flares.


they say that energy
can neither be created nor destroyed
it can only be transformed
from one state to another
does that mean my love
is someone else's hate?
when i'm lonely is someone else loved?
many times i have found myself battered, bloodied, and bruised
as my affections were unrequited
you can only bear so many rosaline...
however i tend to forget that i wasn't always the hero
i like to think i've broken as much as i've fixed
i'm not proud to say it but i've hurt people
such is the price of growing up
such is the price of establishing a contrast
i wonder if there's anyone out there
who still bears the wounds that i inflicted
who still thinks about me every day
as i still think about them
even the ones that i myself left broken and in tears
who's lives were forever altered
as i myself have been knocked off course
all of these scars of mine
reduce what i was supposed to feel
this armor conconcted around me
just weighs me down as i try to move forward
all of these ridiculous defense mechanisms i've created
i get to the point of realization
that this barb wire around my heart
might just be the only thing holding it together
should love really be some kind of obstacle course?
no, it shouldn't
i believe love requires work but still shouldn't be so hard
we use the terms "Soul mate" and the like so lightly
it took me forever to realize what that means
a "Soul mate" is someone you cannot picture your life without
the sad fact is you may never end up with that person
because life's not always perfect
nor a romantic comedy
the guy doesn't always get the girl and vice versa
you will just go through the day with a sense of something missing
and they may never know how you feel
regardless of how far they are away
or how lost they are to you
i've seen the vast majority of people settle
due to convenience or defeat
when you just can't bring yourself to fight anymore
some people you can just tell
their souls crushed, never to recover
i've never believed in what love is
no one ever saved me from the optimism and naivety
when it all comes down to it
i need someone to remind me that love is more than an addiction
i could go on and on about this forever
if you are lucky enough to have someone
if you really love them
you have to realize how rare this is
hold onto them like there's no tomorrow
because if you really think about it
there almost wasn't
just think about how close it comes to never happening
these are the one of the small miracles we get to see
if that girl wouldn't have been poolside to adjust the speaker
if i hadn't overheard a female voice in the dorm room next door
if i would have never gotten the courage to ask that girl with the squirrel button out to a movie
if i wouldn't have agreed to have a girl come visit me on a whim
any delay whatsover
1 second more and the stars would have never aligned
none of this would have ever happened
so if you have someone you truly love
and who actually loves you in return
be thankful for that 1 second
because without it...
there wouldn't be blueberry pancakes
we wouldn't have to guess the brand of their vagrancy
we wouldn't hvae to beep and boop like robots
and i wouldn't have to be sending up this signal flare up to you
because all of these inside jokes
are tender moments that never could have been

1.04.2011

[x]A happy poem.

i've never written a happy poem
sometimes I forget
that not everyone can read my subtleties
my subtitles
i'm a walking thesausus of hurt
with a million ways to express pain
the voice i've found was more out of necessity than desire
here i am, the elitist and the snob
when it comes to being my own worst critic
i sit trying to write something nice for her
frustrated because all of a sudden i'm in love
and nothing I say feels good enough
my IQ feels cut in half
knowing that that dark things i've written
are almost surgical in their precision
but in this case, i feel like such a blunt object
that i can almost feel myself drooling
as i struggle for the right words
which feel like they haven't been invented yet
and it saddens me to realize
that happiness is not a language that i ever learned to speak
my life up to this point has been one hell of a story
(at least to me)
but a rough draft nonetheless
i feel like i'm a notebook
full of post its, and fill in sheets of paper
edits, omissions and alterations over time
as living and breathing as perspective permits
where things shift from prologue to epilogue and back again
on a day to day basis
god help me if i ever need an editor
to make sense of all of this
this absolute chaos of my thoughts
the book of me is bound in rubber bands
and i hold it up to her
i tell her i never write in a linear fashion
hell, i've never lived in a linear fashion
but yet somehow here i am
for her i'm ready to turn the page
to a nice new blank sheet
for the first time in a long time
which i am staring at when i write these words
this is our story now
and i wish i had better words for you
to somehow quantify this change
normally i feel like i've got my back to a wall
with the lights going out
yet when i think of you, even so far away
it all seems inconsequential
i feel like the possibilities are endless
like the world is wide open and bright and new again
you'll never understand the gravity in me saying this -
i've never written a happy poem
but for you i want to try