Finally current...

I have finally fixed my poetry page. I had left off in 2003, now everything I have written this year is in one place. This brings me pretty much up through Kelly and other relapses.

If I were to write a song...

If I'm going to miss someone... It might as well be someone worth missing.

If you are going to press play - "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You"
by Colin Hay (Garden State OST track 5)

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived, til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances, and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Joseph Arthur Concert.

If you are going to press play - "Making Mistakes" by Joseph Arthur (duh) from the VACANCY album.

Making mistakes
to kill some time
Waking up with the shakes
and a poisoned mind
I know that you might
not feel the way I do
still I hope
you're gonna come around

I arrived at the show at just after 8pm with Andrea and Margarita. Who is Andrea? Well she is a girl from my class who happens to be from South Africa. It's fascinating to talk to a Non-American who lives here...

The opening band was American Mars - a local band that was really good and definately worth another look in the future. I met the lead singer after the show and he was really cool.

Around 9:30pm or so Joseph Arthur finally took the stage:

I don't want to say it was a BAD show... but he played 11 songs total, 10 of which I had never heard before. I don't know if it was new material or something, but the show was just marred by unfamiliarity. There were a few keyboard songs that were WAY too loud. Needless to say I am a bit disappointed (Being my 2nd or 3rd favorite artist maybe my expectations were a bit high).

Anyway, we had a really good time. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't bring Kelly. I need to follow the "Mollie" rule from now on - Don't bring someone you are unsure about to a concert which is important to you.

Over capacity.

With the purchase of the Star Wars Trilogy - I was out of shelf space for my dvd colletion. I just hit 158 movies...

Today (By some miracle) I designed and built a PIMP dvd shelf. I guess window installation and carpentry is starting to rub off on me.

Just like Jesus!

With a few empty shelves left, I estimate this will hold about 288 dvds (Less with box sets, etc.) but that should do me for AT LEAST another year or two.

Cost? $0 and 2 hours of my time. w00t.

Control.

Everything I saw was more beautiful than ever could have really been...

I held the door for a woman at the mall yesterday and she said to me "Thank you - there aren't many gentlemen left in the world" - it made me feel good.

What a weekend. Sept 11th came and went again. I got off at noon and didn't really accomplish anything.

Hump was suppose to be in town but I didn't hear from him (Kept my plans open until the last minute).

What I did do was hang out with Margarita. We went to Boomer's for a few drinks and then to the party store for a few more. Irony of all ironies - Kelly and my sister were waiting to go out when we got back to my house.

Margarita, meet Kelly. Kelly, meet Margarita. (Well I'm assuming they were introduced... I was a bit intoxicated). Anyway after an EXTREMELY quick dip in the pool (freezing) it was back in the house to watch MAN ON FIRE. Kelly and my sister leave and we watch the movie.

Fairly uneventful.

So after a few hours I sober up and take her home. We have this discussion about the current categorization of our relationship. Now - up until this point there was no categorization.

Due to recent events and circumstances I made the decision to finally label us after all of this time.

"That's never going to happen again"

Friends. That's all we are from here on out. It's just the way that it is going to have to be.

Okay, okay. Yes I am leaving out a ton of details but I am writing this for me so I will know exactly what I am talking about when I read this 5 years from now.

Here's the thing - On closer examination I realized on the trip taking her home that she has a measure of control over me. I'm not saying it's malicious but I am attracted to her and she knows it. The thing is - it's her decision on whether this is valid or returned... Depends on her mood, etc. She has the control over the situation on what happens and what does not happen. Not me.

Taking that a step further.

Kelly has the same thing. I waited and waited for her... and whatever future that has long since been annihilated was dependent on her. It was her decision what happened and didn't happen - not mine.

I can't turn off (god knows how much I try) how I feel about her. I cannot turn off my attraction to Margarita. It's part of our respective relationships - it's the building blocks where everything else started.

I'm sick of it.

Shouldn't a relationship be a two-way street? I remember a long time ago that my relationships were an even exchange (Well, I suppose that Sarah gave more than I did, and Madonna took more than she gave in the beginning) but at least there was an EXCHANGE.

Somewhere over the past few years I picked up a bad case of codependency. I guess I just feel a need to fill this void within.

I know that a year from now Kelly will be lopped into the same category as the other "blips on the radar" - Mollie, Kristin, etc. Everyting was special and beautiful and perfect and went absolutely nowhere. With Kelly I know there is something to salvage in there somewhere but I'm not ready for that yet. It's hard to take those steps back (even if I was apprently the only one who took them) because it feels like settling.

I suppose being a hopeless romantic is more hopeless than romantic.

Some days you just realize that things are bigger than your life.

G.I.O.O.M.F.S.

I'll go to bed with my dreams
and you can sleep with your clear conscience
Used to think they were good enough
for the both of us
I guess all of those times I was the only one there

If you are going to press play - "Fair" by Remy Zero (Garden State OST track 7)

When I was sure you'd follow through
My world was turned to blue so thin
When you'd hide your songs would die
So I'd hide yours with mine
And all my words were bound to fail
I know you won't fail

Cheetos are good.

You hold the
broken pieces of my heart in your hand
-I want you to keep them
because you are the only one who deserves to.