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Control.

Everything I saw was more beautiful than ever could have really been...

I held the door for a woman at the mall yesterday and she said to me "Thank you - there aren't many gentlemen left in the world" - it made me feel good.

What a weekend. Sept 11th came and went again. I got off at noon and didn't really accomplish anything.

Hump was suppose to be in town but I didn't hear from him (Kept my plans open until the last minute).

What I did do was hang out with Margarita. We went to Boomer's for a few drinks and then to the party store for a few more. Irony of all ironies - Kelly and my sister were waiting to go out when we got back to my house.

Margarita, meet Kelly. Kelly, meet Margarita. (Well I'm assuming they were introduced... I was a bit intoxicated). Anyway after an EXTREMELY quick dip in the pool (freezing) it was back in the house to watch MAN ON FIRE. Kelly and my sister leave and we watch the movie.

Fairly uneventful.

So after a few hours I sober up and take her home. We have this discussion about the current categorization of our relationship. Now - up until this point there was no categorization.

Due to recent events and circumstances I made the decision to finally label us after all of this time.

"That's never going to happen again"

Friends. That's all we are from here on out. It's just the way that it is going to have to be.

Okay, okay. Yes I am leaving out a ton of details but I am writing this for me so I will know exactly what I am talking about when I read this 5 years from now.

Here's the thing - On closer examination I realized on the trip taking her home that she has a measure of control over me. I'm not saying it's malicious but I am attracted to her and she knows it. The thing is - it's her decision on whether this is valid or returned... Depends on her mood, etc. She has the control over the situation on what happens and what does not happen. Not me.

Taking that a step further.

Kelly has the same thing. I waited and waited for her... and whatever future that has long since been annihilated was dependent on her. It was her decision what happened and didn't happen - not mine.

I can't turn off (god knows how much I try) how I feel about her. I cannot turn off my attraction to Margarita. It's part of our respective relationships - it's the building blocks where everything else started.

I'm sick of it.

Shouldn't a relationship be a two-way street? I remember a long time ago that my relationships were an even exchange (Well, I suppose that Sarah gave more than I did, and Madonna took more than she gave in the beginning) but at least there was an EXCHANGE.

Somewhere over the past few years I picked up a bad case of codependency. I guess I just feel a need to fill this void within.

I know that a year from now Kelly will be lopped into the same category as the other "blips on the radar" - Mollie, Kristin, etc. Everyting was special and beautiful and perfect and went absolutely nowhere. With Kelly I know there is something to salvage in there somewhere but I'm not ready for that yet. It's hard to take those steps back (even if I was apprently the only one who took them) because it feels like settling.

I suppose being a hopeless romantic is more hopeless than romantic.