You're going to read it anyway.

Kelly, I owe you an apology. You were so angry about what I wrote the other day...

Now I know that I am just more experienced with my emotions.

Perhaps I should have used a different combination of words. I didn't mean "Kelly is a naive frost queen who has no idea what emotions are" (which from the temperature of your words, you took it as) - I meant different. Different experiences... I was just trying to show her my point of view. That whole conversation was hypothetical anyway.

You "never want talk about it"... about anything... until i say something wrong. You say your piece, and when I try to say mine, you are done with the conversation.

So I get to have my say here. If you don't want to hear it why are you reading? All I know I have NEVER said anything bad about you... I specifically said "I am no better than she is" in that entry.

So, I'm sorry. Really I am.
Sometimes you just have to pay attention to the lyrics.

from "Lover I don't have to love" by Bright Eyes

such pretty words
but life's no storybook
love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt
do you like to hurt
i do
i do
then hurt me


My Inner Child Is A Pyromaniac!

It is!

My super-hero of the day: (Created by Lee's Useless Super Hero Generator)

The zealous Esodznbg Vizion (Esodznbg-Vizion, Esodznbgvizion, Vizion Esodznbg, Vizion-Esodznbg, Vizionesodznbg)
Power(s): Psychic, Sound generation/control, Luck
Source of powers: Extra-terrestrial mutant lycanthropy
Weapon: Glue Bullets
Transportation: Shatterwing

Glue Bullets? If that's what you want to call it.
Sometimes I Just Need To Hear Myself Talk

If you are going to press play - "Hold On" by Good Charlotte

Where do I begin.

I guess that I was talking to Kelly the other night... I wouldn't call it fighting... It was more of a difference of opinion... maybe even a difference in experience.

What I see in her I think means more to me I suppose. She was just constantly reminding me that she has a boyfriend (I could care less - and I told her that.) However, I was in the middle of giving up anyway when I said:

[21:50] THEdeadpixel: maybe the 3rd time around it will work out
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: but god help you if i have a gf
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: :)
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: i would love to see a little role reversal in all of this
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: lol
[21:51] (KELLY): it would be so different
[21:51] THEdeadpixel: would it
[21:51] (KELLY): yup
[21:51] THEdeadpixel: how so.
[21:52] (KELLY): i would give up if u had a gf
[21:52] THEdeadpixel: bullshit
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: what if you had strong feelings for me that you couldn't shake
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: and
[21:53] (KELLY): i could
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: from where you stood - you see that she doesn't treat me how you would
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: i don't believe you
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: and honestly
[21:53] (KELLY): believe it
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: if you are like that i feel sorry for you.
[21:54] THEdeadpixel: you would be denying yourself
[21:54] THEdeadpixel: so
[21:54] THEdeadpixel: i wouldn't be worth taking a shot?
[21:54] (KELLY): that was mean! just because i wouldn't lust over something i couldn't have is not reason to have sympathy for me
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: so you are saying that i am in lust for you now?
[21:55] (KELLY): no
[21:55] (KELLY): u are putting words in my mouth
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: no
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: i am just saying
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: that is what makes us different.
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: but
[21:55] (KELLY): i guess
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: you have had ONE serious relationship
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: actually, you are still in the same one
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: wait until that feeling leaves you.... twice... three times... four times...
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: then tell me you wouldn't grasp at it if you found it again

And that was something that I needed to hear myself say - and have felt better since. I mean... She hasn't had her heart broken like I have. Yet.

Originally I though that the age difference just meant that I was more experienced overall - Maybe I thought she was a bit naive (until I got to know her better). Now I know that I am just more experienced with my emotions.

Does that make me better? No, not at all... I am no more than she is, no better - just different. I am glad that she is happy, honestly because I remember what that used to be like.

I have walked through heaven, and I have been bleeding in the gutter... And for that - I respect, hell I even envy her ignorance to the pain that love can cause.

I just see that spark in her... the spark I have found a few times in my life - one which I let consume me time and time again. Eventually it overcame me... which in turn made me into the person I am.

I am not going to regret who I am or what I feel. Other people can if it helps them get through the day - I refuse to censor my passion.


The Butterfly Effect

I really liked this movie. It makes you think... Go see it. Amy Smart was impressive - anyone who can go for a greasy waitress, to a HOT sorority chick, to a scarred hooker, and back to a normal girl - that's impressive. Ashton Kutcher was really good in this movie - think Kelso meets christopher walken in THE DEAD ZONE.

Anyone ever hear the story... I forget the name of it, but a group of hunters go back in time to hunt dinosaurs... and when one keeps a butterfly on him - the future is trashed. Originally I thought that was what this movie would be about (I guess it can still apply on some level).

***UPDATE*** - Joe just informed me this was called "Sound of Thunder"

Even more so than the "A butterfly flapping it's wings one side of the world could cause a typhoon on the other" - from the chaos theory.

Does this really apply?

"I believe in the Bill & Ted theory of time"

Time is circular. Everything that has happened was meant to - and it brought us to this point. Even if you could go back in time - it would have already happened before you left. So the "leave your keys here to find them later" makes sense. It's linear.

I guess it doesn't make sense, without time having a definate beginning or end... What came first the chicken or the egg? Did Adam & Eve have belly buttons?

Being me - I apply this to my life... Everything that has happened to me has done so for a reason. Sure there have been times where I wish I could change something back in the past... However all of this has brought me to this point in my life. What I have learned, seen, and experienced- I wouldn't trade for anything.


Gravity and Inertia

That is what I wanted to say in my last post... Gravity and inertia.

*spoiler warning* AGAIN

In that part where Edward Bloom first sees the love of his life... He talks about how everything stops... then he makes his way towards her with everything else frozen in time.

"What they don't tell you..." - Everything moves in fast forward again to catch up and he loses sight of her as she leaves.

I think this is a great metaphor.

Kelly and I had a wonderful vacation... we got to spend some time together and got to know eachother... It was as if time stopped and the rest of the world didn't matter... I mean... who would have thought.

Vacation ended. The gravity of the situation (like her boyfriend) caught up with us. Back to reality.

However, there is another law that I have been caught up in - Inertia (coincidentally my favorite word right now)... Once my heart is set into motion... it will continue to be in motion until acted upon by another force.

I just don't know what that will be.


Big Fish (again)

If you are going to press play "I miss you" by Blink 182

Don't waste your time on me you're already a voice inside my head.

I went to go see BIG FISH again (With Ben, Meg, and Jessica) last Saturday night. It just meant something different to me this time around... in a few parts. Jessica was my "date"... she's cool but... well I can't put my finger on it... I am not sure what our incompatibility is as of yet. Lack of contact?

Touch is my favorite way of getting to know someone. Alright... get your minds out of the gutter. Not like that. Simple things like a hug, or an unintentional body contact... Those kinds of things. The effort you make to touch someone... The gesture...

The first night we went out, all of us were out LATE... All of us were really tired, and on the ride home her head was on my lap with my arm around her... That was nice.

It might just be me... I am a little off lately... My heart, body, and mind are drained. I have been thinking that maybe I have attachment problems. (look at how great all of my past and current relationships are working out)

That is what being jaded is... Being preconditioned to a certain belief based upon past experiences. I can't help but look over my shoulder... or keep someone at an arm's length. Or push them away....


How do you tell someone something that they aren't ready to hear?

When she tells Edward Bloom "But you don't even know me" - Well it just reminded me of something Kelly said to me a few weeks ago when we were talking. She had said the same thing to me...

Edward Bloom: "We have our whole lives to get to know eachother" (or something like that) - He just knew that he loved her and that was good enough for him. I mean, he just came out and said all of those things to her.

THEdeadpixel: i don't care how much i know you...
what i do know is that you make me happy and that
makes me what to know more
THEdeadpixel: that's all i need
[KELLY]: that is totally fine
THEdeadpixel: i don't need anything else and i don't
want to overthink this like i do everything else in my
THEdeadpixel: i just want to go with it.

I always said it would take someone special to knock me over the head and make me want to care again. Well Kelly came out of nowhere and did so with me. On New Year's night I swore to myself that I would stick my heart out there and try to feel again... For better or worse. I will plug myself back into the world.

For better... or worse.

As I bi-product of promising myself to care again... I left myself open for it... I haven't been that hurt in a long time. I still am. I found myself struggling to pull the plug...

I guess, with losing my Uncle... this time around the movie hit me harder... It just made me realize that every memory that I have of him is a story... a moment. Those stories will make him immortal to me and to those that love and miss him.

At this point I would say that I love you Uncle Don... Wherever you are... but I know exactly where you are... in my heart. And as I have said... to me that's heaven.

Life is full of moments... and I don't want to let anymore slip by. No more things unsaid, or undone...


More 80's Than You Can Shake A Glow-Worm At

If you are going to press play - "Boys of Summer" by DON HENLY (forget that Ataris crap)

Last night, I went to he 80's retro night at The Magic Bag. The Mega 80's was the cover band, and they rocked!

First set, they covered the sweet synth rock like Devo and Flock of Seagulls... Then for their second set they went right into metal and hair bands like GNR and Poison.

High Point - "Take on me" by A-Ha (complete with video in the background)

So, by the end of the night when I got home at 3am... I was all 80's-sed out.


Rob McNurlin

I can't believe that I haven't posted this before... but seeing him at the funeral over the weekend I think I should.

My cousin Rob McNurlin is a folk singer. I have been listening to some of his clips (mp3s at the site) and he's pretty damn good. Check him out!



If you are going to press play, and please do. - "Away from me" by Puddle of Mudd

Well... Margarita apparently took my poking and prodding her the wrong way. She got all pissy on the phone with me and hung up. Whatever. I am sick of this facade anyway.

You did this, not me.

Hey - YOU put the cage on our relationship. YOU put the label on what we have. YOU are the one who changed the rules. Not me.

Ever since you decided on "friendship" - our relationship has been a sham. Ever since I stopped being special to you. It always has been, which is why I never respected it. We were never meant to be "friends".

Can't you understand that?

You have a gazillion ex-boyfriends. Beyond that a gazillion guy-friends. So where does that leave me? There is only ONE difference between your ex's and I... yet I still feel grouped in with them. I could seriously give a fuck about any of them or your loser ass boyfriend. Fuck him. You made your bed, sleep in it. Don't go complaining to me. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I am sick of it. I am sick of the way we use eachother for the things we are both lacking. I miss the days where we didn't care. That is what made our relationship stand out, that is what made it unique, and special.

No matter what THEY did to us, we used to have eachother. It's just not that way anymore. Maybe that is all we were meant to be - maybe we should have just left it all at the dorm.

My friends have been telling me to stop dealing with you for just about as long as you labeled us. They can see the emotional strain you put on me. I care about you and that is what has held this off for this long.

You are always telling me how much I mean to you. About how I have always been there for you. Well I have.. but I can't take what you do to yourself anymore. Or what you do to me. You have no respect for yourself, or me.

You are about to lose me, Margarita. Forever. You may not understand all of this, but just think about how obviously I can't handle our current arrangement. You have always said how you drive guys crazy, well you have succeeded in doing so with me. In a bad way.

Your move.


You Can Run...

I did well today... I guess my job keeps me distracted enough to the point that the outside world is shelved, even if for a few hours.

On the way home, where there is nothing to keep you busy, and no one to talk to... It creeps back. And no matter how much you turn the radio up... It doesn't make a difference.

So, right now I am sad. :(


My Uncle

If you are going to press play - "Last Train Home" by Lost Prophets

My uncle Donnie was a good man. He was well loved and I will miss him very much... He has been an influence to me my whole life... From my interest in movies, as well as video games and countless others things... I hope that someday I can be half the man that he was.

There are so many things that I want to say here, but I cannot put them into words. Even if I could, in this case I think I should keep it to myself, in my heart.

I want to say thanks to a few people.

1. My family - We are so close, and in these times you can really see that. I tried to be there for everyone that I could, and thanks to those who were there for me.

2. My cousin Donnie - I am so proud of you for being so strong in all of this. It took a real man to handle it the way you did... And I know you will take care of your family now. I will always be just a phone call away.

3. Justin - We never really got along growing up... but what you said today at the funeral home was exactly what I would have had I been asked. Thank you for that. Donnie was a huge part in raising his nephews... and what do you know? - we all turned out pretty good.

3. The Bartons - thank you for bringing over all of that food for us. It is nice to know that my family has such great friends who are there to take care of us in our time of need. I don't know if you brought the cookies, but they are all gone now. :)

4. My friends - Ben, Meg, The Sunday Boys, Margarita, Kelly - Thank you for being there for me. You guys always are and I will never forget it.

5. Everyone Else - Thank you all so much for everything. Too many names to list here, but thank you all.

Lastly -

Uncle Donnie, we are all better to have known you, and the world has been a better place to have had you. I love you.


Today's The Day

I have to go to the funeral home in 3 hours. *Sigh* this is going to suck. Ah well I am going to try to duck out in a few hours so I can meet up with the guys over at Joe's.

I just need to get out of this world for a day...

Oh yeah... Happy Birthday Jamie!


A Much Needed Night Out

Tonight I went to BAHAMA BREEZE with Ben his gf Meg. We were supposed to go to the movies, but we decided to just get something to eat. I just want to say thanks for dinner, and humoring me all night.

Waitress: "Is this your first time here?"
John: "Yes, I am a Bahama Breeze virgin"
Waitress: "..."
John: "Be gentle"

I sat there rambling... and Ben said to me "I am glad we didn't go to the movies, because you just really need to talk" (or something like that) - and it hit me. Yeah I am not dealing with it... At work I just put on the happy facade and just looked straight ahead. I didn't think about my uncle all day.

I really need to just get some things out there... So thanks for listening...


The Hardest Day Of My Life (And it's only 8:30am)

My uncle Donnie just died this morning. I loved him very much... and as hard as it is for him to be gone... This morning made it all the worse.

I woke up to hear the phone ring (This happens alot in these situations). Then to hear my mom screaming "Oh my God" over and over and over again. Finally I learned what happened.

We then had to go over to my grandmother's house to tell her... That was the hardest thing my eyes have ever seen. She was destroyed. I mean... I have lost an uncle... but my mom lost a brother... and my grandmother a SON.

Then the phone calls... the other relatives that had to be told... My mom would call them and not be able to speak... over and over again I had to take the phone from her and tell them. My other uncle... the Pastor... others... It was so hard to have to tell so many people, and sit through their reaction. To have to calmly explain the situation... I had to be there for them.

The Pastor came over and prayed with my mother and grandmother... As usual I kept my eyes open and didn't really hear the words. They were empty to me. The only thing that made me feel better was the faith in which he spoke. There was strength there. I admire that... However beyond that I have felt nothing.

Equilibrium - You know I was like you... But the first thing that you learn about emotion, is that it has it's price. A complete paradox. But with out restraint, without control - emotion is chaos. (But how is that different?) The difference being is that when we want to feel, we can... It's just that, some of us... Some of us have to forgo the luxury so that the rest can have it. Some very few of us... Have to force ourselves not to feel... Like me. Like you.

If this is being strong then why do I feel so weak?

Am I in some sort of shock? Shouldn't this hurt more? Shouldn't I have broken down and cried by now? I can feel it all in that spot between my stomach and my heart... I FEEL something but maybe I have lost the ability to express it or deal with it.


Bionic Commando

Everyone has their game. For some, it's games like Goldeneye or Tekken... For me... It is the BEST VIDEO GAME EVER... BIONIC COMMANDO!

I will beat your ass at some BIONIC COMMANDO.

I am insane at this game. Right now I want to go buy an NES just so I can play it. I don't own an NES but I DO own bionic commando.


Viva La Compton Ass Terry

Over vacation I sat through a marathon of VIVA LA BAM. 3 times. This show is just good old-fashioned fun for the whole family. I know what you are all asking yourselves...

What the hell is that "Compton Ass Terry" song? Well I will tell you... Thanks to a little help from thetimekiller blog.

"Got Some Teeth" by Obie Trice from his new album Cheers

Speaking of which, you can check out Terry's journal too.


UPDATE 1:47pm... Just call me Compton Ass Bronto.


Big Fish

I just got back from Tim Burton's BIG FISH. I will admit... I wasn't really big on seeing this movie... I love Tim Burton but I didn't worship him like goths do. Maybe that will all change now. I loved Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, James and the Giant Peach... etc. I love his stye. Most of what I admired was the imagery.

But with BIG FISH...I have never had a movie strike so many chords within me. I left the theater affected in a way that I don't think any before have been able to attain.

I love the contrast at the end of the movie. The metaphors. I won't spoil it for you... but I will definately be purchasing this when it comes out. I would go see it RIGHT NOW.


This wasn't a sex dream

She was sitting up on my bed, close to me. I can see my face but hers is turned away. She has long dark hair, and is wearing nothing but a bra. I run my hands down her back in slow strokes, exploring her body while kissing her. I repeat the movements of my hands, as if asking for permission to touch her. Gradually as they gain confidence, my hands run slowly behind her bra, and gain no resistance from her...

Then my alarm clock goes off. ARGH.

This was a short dream that I had the other night. I don't really ever dream and remember it. This girl in the dream... I don't know who she is. She isn't anyone I currently know.

This wasn't a sex dream. As far as I can tell I have had only one of those... It was the fall after Madonna left me, and it was a fairly vivid dream about her.

This dream was more about the feeling of it all. That awkward stage in a relationship where you are getting to know someone on a physical level. The slowness of a it all... The delicate process of breaking the barrier of intimacy. You cannot really say "Hey! Can it touch your (insert body part here)"... So, you have to express that in a physical way. Asking permission with your hands... No words involved, just senses, just FEELING.

I don't have a photographic memory... but my senses have a memory of their own in a way. I can remember what it felt like to touch someone, how their body felt. How they smelled. Sometimes even more clearly than I can remember what they looked like (the lines blur over time).

You can only know someone so much by talking to them... the rest is in the sense of touch. How someone really FEELS in your arms can tell you more than words ever could.

What is my subconcious trying to tell me?

Perhaps it has something to do with the emotional floodgates opening on me. In being honest with some people, it has forced me to be honest to myself. There are many things that I haven't dealt with in a long time since I shut myself off from the world.

It's making me crazy.

Right now I am emotionally unstable, as it has been so long. What I want to do the most this year is clear up my life, and that includes resolving issues with people, like Margarita... and new issues like Kelly. Dealing with them as they come up, instead of burying them. I cleaned out the skeletons in my closet last year... It has made me a more open person by far.

The thing is, it is nice to feel again. Care about people. It's never as though I stopped loving my family... it's just that I had to cut myself off from the possibility of being hurt by... well... women. You can only have so many disasters and disappointments before you raise a hand and say "ENOUGH".

No more of that. Having an unflinching ability to shed emotion is a double edged sword. No one gets out, no one gets in. It is an airtight way of living... and treading water.

I am ready to move forward in my life. I'm ready to get out there and open myself up to the possiblity of being hurt. The reward is worth the risk by far. I want to be vulnerable again.

I want to breathe and feel free.


Faith and the Elusive Deity

"Say what you mean,
but it won't change a thing"

- Coldplay "A rush of blood to the head" (Title Track)

Welcome to my new journal. It may not look new... Right now I am using the same template as the old one. I may tweak some things here and there, but overall I am satisfied with it.

Mostly it was for archiving purposes.

So, enjoy. My archive works I think.