Sometimes I Just Need To Hear Myself Talk

If you are going to press play - "Hold On" by Good Charlotte

Where do I begin.

I guess that I was talking to Kelly the other night... I wouldn't call it fighting... It was more of a difference of opinion... maybe even a difference in experience.

What I see in her I think means more to me I suppose. She was just constantly reminding me that she has a boyfriend (I could care less - and I told her that.) However, I was in the middle of giving up anyway when I said:

[21:50] THEdeadpixel: maybe the 3rd time around it will work out
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: but god help you if i have a gf
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: :)
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: i would love to see a little role reversal in all of this
[21:50] THEdeadpixel: lol
[21:51] (KELLY): it would be so different
[21:51] THEdeadpixel: would it
[21:51] (KELLY): yup
[21:51] THEdeadpixel: how so.
[21:52] (KELLY): i would give up if u had a gf
[21:52] THEdeadpixel: bullshit
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: what if you had strong feelings for me that you couldn't shake
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: and
[21:53] (KELLY): i could
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: from where you stood - you see that she doesn't treat me how you would
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: i don't believe you
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: and honestly
[21:53] (KELLY): believe it
[21:53] THEdeadpixel: if you are like that i feel sorry for you.
[21:54] THEdeadpixel: you would be denying yourself
[21:54] THEdeadpixel: so
[21:54] THEdeadpixel: i wouldn't be worth taking a shot?
[21:54] (KELLY): that was mean! just because i wouldn't lust over something i couldn't have is not reason to have sympathy for me
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: so you are saying that i am in lust for you now?
[21:55] (KELLY): no
[21:55] (KELLY): u are putting words in my mouth
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: no
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: i am just saying
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: that is what makes us different.
[21:55] THEdeadpixel: but
[21:55] (KELLY): i guess
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: you have had ONE serious relationship
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: actually, you are still in the same one
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: wait until that feeling leaves you.... twice... three times... four times...
[21:56] THEdeadpixel: then tell me you wouldn't grasp at it if you found it again

And that was something that I needed to hear myself say - and have felt better since. I mean... She hasn't had her heart broken like I have. Yet.

Originally I though that the age difference just meant that I was more experienced overall - Maybe I thought she was a bit naive (until I got to know her better). Now I know that I am just more experienced with my emotions.

Does that make me better? No, not at all... I am no more than she is, no better - just different. I am glad that she is happy, honestly because I remember what that used to be like.

I have walked through heaven, and I have been bleeding in the gutter... And for that - I respect, hell I even envy her ignorance to the pain that love can cause.

I just see that spark in her... the spark I have found a few times in my life - one which I let consume me time and time again. Eventually it overcame me... which in turn made me into the person I am.

I am not going to regret who I am or what I feel. Other people can if it helps them get through the day - I refuse to censor my passion.

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