The Hardest Day Of My Life (And it's only 8:30am)
My uncle Donnie just died this morning. I loved him very much... and as hard as it is for him to be gone... This morning made it all the worse.
I woke up to hear the phone ring (This happens alot in these situations). Then to hear my mom screaming "Oh my God" over and over and over again. Finally I learned what happened.
We then had to go over to my grandmother's house to tell her... That was the hardest thing my eyes have ever seen. She was destroyed. I mean... I have lost an uncle... but my mom lost a brother... and my grandmother a SON.
Then the phone calls... the other relatives that had to be told... My mom would call them and not be able to speak... over and over again I had to take the phone from her and tell them. My other uncle... the Pastor... others... It was so hard to have to tell so many people, and sit through their reaction. To have to calmly explain the situation... I had to be there for them.
The Pastor came over and prayed with my mother and grandmother... As usual I kept my eyes open and didn't really hear the words. They were empty to me. The only thing that made me feel better was the faith in which he spoke. There was strength there. I admire that... However beyond that I have felt nothing.
Equilibrium - You know I was like you... But the first thing that you learn about emotion, is that it has it's price. A complete paradox. But with out restraint, without control - emotion is chaos. (But how is that different?) The difference being is that when we want to feel, we can... It's just that, some of us... Some of us have to forgo the luxury so that the rest can have it. Some very few of us... Have to force ourselves not to feel... Like me. Like you.
If this is being strong then why do I feel so weak?
Am I in some sort of shock? Shouldn't this hurt more? Shouldn't I have broken down and cried by now? I can feel it all in that spot between my stomach and my heart... I FEEL something but maybe I have lost the ability to express it or deal with it.