[x]She's here and then she's gone again.

the phone rings and she comes back to me
as if summoned in some ritual
i must have stumbled upon the right combination of words
or perhaps my heart just willed it so
did you finally pick up on the words
or was it just my thoughts and prayers?
and so the scales finally balance
knowing that we were always greater than the sum of our parts
it's funny how we could always slow dance in a minefield
as long as our eyes were closed
yet there we were
doomed by circumstance
we spoke and picked up where we left off
as i am sure we always will be able to
yet there is an undercurrent of another narrative
as if to say "we're okay"
because i wish you could see some of the things you never knew
and feel some of the things i've never expressed
so you could finally understand
that in my hesitation i was damned either way
yet i still reflect on the pause that i gave, that she never saw
and the sheer irony
of her loving me because i was leaving
and then having to stop because i was gone
this was the gamble i took and lost when i left you
just for a moment, i wish you could see
how the cost of loving you with everything that i am
was breaking my own heart in the process
[x]Perpetual Muses.
when there's nothing left to burn
lonliness is my only cruel mistress
in this void, this vaccuum
all of her predecessors come to call
and fight amongst themselves for prominence
this is where i come to worship
these perpetual muses
that i pray to and keep at an arm's length
and who answer in whispers and insights
i miss every single one of them for better or for worse
why wouldn't i?
they all leave holes in my soul one way or another
with the pieces i have freely gave to some
or the pieces that they cut out of me by others
these blank spots are filled with the parts of them
or left with wounds just the same
and here i am older and i would like to think somewhat the wiser
finally accepting that this is my DNA
this is who i am
i know was blessed or cursed with a heart that has a photographic memory
because i can still feel all of them on my fingertips
and probably always will
all it takes is a song or note or thought to set it off
to put me right back in that moment
my life's lesson is a simple one
i've spent so much time in the grey area
that I can now see the finer points of black and white within