dress devious, my favorite syren
and we'll go sailing
because i know how much you'll hurt me
i know how much damage you will do

conversations in my car
with a ghost
no gravity in this phantom reality
tell me ghost
are we dreaming the same dream?

she asks why i listen
to such sad tales
i reply
somber and sober
i share in such lament

[x]too much static.

Relevant - "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

For the first time in my life, I am scared to write... I have so much I have been building up over the past few months...

Most of the time I feel strong when I write... sometimes it's the only power I have over my demons... The only voice I have in the world.

Lately I feel like I could just scream, let it all out in one barrage of love, hate, anger, frustration, so many other emotions and states of mind - I feel like I AM screaming... and that I could make the world hear me if anything but static was coming out of my head.

I'm just afraid. I'm struggling emotionally, which I don't understand at all. It's like there is this barrier blocking my way to the rest of my life, yet I'm afraid of what's on the other side. I don't know what's holding me back...

The fear of letting go maybe? All of this keeps me grounded, but I want to shed all of this gravity/history and just let it all out.

I really want to.


[x]I want/She Wants Revenge.

I'm wiped out and I have been starving all day no matter what junk I have been shoving into my face.... Wtf.

Anyway. Last night saw SHE WANTS REVENGE at St. Andrews in Detroit. Awesome show and probably the coolest opening band title ever:





My desk, pre-ikea.

My desk, post-ikea.


[x]9/11, 5 years later...

I was going to go on my first political rant today, but I am just not up to it.

Today is a sad day, and always will be - for the rest of my life.


[x]2 5 0.

I have just reached the 250 dvd milestone. Actually, 251 in this last tally.



[x]Odd moments like this are what make us who we are.

Lately my room has been an evershifting labyrinth of swedish furniture, clothes, electronics, and digital media. One day I was looking around my room and just wanted a change. Finally, I got things more or less the way I want them, and took care of some stuff that I had been putting off for months.

When I got back from vegas I just kinda jammed my suitcase and overnight bag into my closet after taking the clothes out. About an hour ago I decided to clean out the closet as well. I went through both bags and threw most of the stuff away (damn packrat gene, thanks mom) and in the bottom of the bag under the board thing they used to stiffen the bag - I found the notes Jessica had written me to read on the plane there and on the way home.

I just stopped and stared at them for a good long minute. I guess I had forgotten about them (outta sight, outta mind) and being a glutton for punishment I read them. It's not like it really hurt or anything. It was just a really odd sensation of being in another place and time. It wasn't really anything important either, it was the "I miss you" "Biscuit" "Can't wait until you get home" stuff that anyone would write in an early relationship. There was no "I love you" or any of that (never really got to that point) - it was trivial. I've WRITTEN that letter before.

Hrm. I guess I don't know what I am trying to say... It was just odd.

Ah well, I tossed it. When I read them originally they meant something, however now they are just ink on a set of cards with a cat on them. It means nothing.



Relevant - "Hate me today" by Blue October

When I was busy fighting wars inside myself, you were trying to stop the fight.

Sometimes I feel like my soul is being torn apart...

hand up to the sun
to block the light from my eyes
to never embrace the blindness
i look down
and i see my shadow mocking me

on the corner
as you pull away
is it my destiny
to always watch you leave?

i'm not afraid of death
only of never being heard
of leaving things unsaid
of never making a mark or a scar