[x]Two weeks in...This is another offline entry. I will not be online again until Thursday.
I have officially been down here two weeks as of 3:30am tomorrow. It began functionally as me crashing over at Mike's apartment, and now finally say this is where I live. With four walls, a bed, and furniture it's beginning to set in.
So here I am. I will admit there was a measure of panic in that first week, because I was restless with so much t free time. One night looking at all my stuff, I almost packed it all up and drove home. Just poof, up and gone in the middle of the night. I was unemployed and lost (literally).
A week later I just completely my first week at my new job, I have a paycheck incoming, and my bearings. It's nothing great, but it's a start. Finanicially it's going to be somewhat rough until June, but I hope I will be okay.
Am I homesick? Yeah. It's really hard if I let myself have a moment to let it sink in. Last week when I saw Logan, Ariel, and David on Chel's webcam I was immediately choked up. I miss everyone horribly. So weird to think of me being such a homebody and now so far away. Jessica and I were a little rough in the beginning, but once the flow of our schedules took over things have gone really well. Right now I'm not online but I still feel connected to my loved ones in Michigan.
Connections. That word has been on my mind these last few days. I look through my phone and more than half the numbers on it are storylines and connections that are now over. The chapter of old coworkers and bosses is over. I still want to talk to Al but for the most part it's all done now. Other numbers are friends who I will see and talk to online, but will not have occasion to contact otherwise. Still, there are some I am unsure of where I stand with them and where to go from here. I'm not going to go and delete them from my phone, because I will still want to contact them someday.
Is all of my unfinished business back there now effectively finished? Somehow my past and the ghosts that haunted me (Sarah, Madonna,etc.) feel like they are truly 1200 miles away. The dead are now not only buried but left far behind - like all of the baggage I couldn't take with me when I came here. Yet I still wonder if the ghost of me haunts people, whether or not they know I am gone. It's a weird feeling.
So much has changed in the past 2 weeks, and the 3 months preceeding. I have cut the parachute loose and now I freefall in this leap of faith. However that feeling of suffocation and dread is gone. It's going to take some hard work, a little luck, and some money but I am going to make a new life here. Still bothers me that I have done the things that I have done in leaving. If I really had it back I would have done it differently, but then again that's what this move is all about. I cannot change where I was, I changed where I am, and where I am going.
There is a sense of abandonment that I am dealing with, leaving you behind like I did, and I wish I could express why I have done the things I have done. I hope as you grow and move on that you can forgive me, as I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.
Regardless, under it all I know you love me. You know why I had to leave. Just know that I am here (there) if you need me. I always will be.
That I love you.
That I miss you, too.