[x]2010 Year In Review.

Song of the year - "Only if you run" by Julian Plenti

I´ve had my frustrations about the pains of daily life
I´ve tasted degradation and found the lace and candle light
But we have the weights we have the measures of our days and nights
I´ve had my frustrations but now I´ve found my place

Up until this point, I didn't post anything but poetry in my journal in 2010. Call it a sabbatical. I took a year off to get my life back together. This year I promised myself no stress whatsoever, and can honestly say it went pretty well.

If you are reading this, then rest assured I missed you as much as you missed me.

Much of my 2009 carried over into this past year.

One year removed and I finally have some perspective. Who have I been?

I mean, I though I was in love with a "Person A" who I (On more than one occasion) watched pack a bag to go fuck someone else. It took this girl waking me up by fucking ANOTHER guy in the room next to me for it to finally set in that I shouldn't bother. Seriously? Who does that?

Then I become infatuated with another girl "Person B" who would hide behind anything and everything so nothing would ever stick to her. Even her own child. She at one point had me buy her alcohol so she could have the liquid courage to tell me she was fucking another guy. FML.

The funny thing is I'm not even bitter about either of them. Loathe was the word of the day, but at this point I loathe myself for ever dealing with either situation. I loathe how weak I was, how absolutely idiotic I was.

Look, I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. The only thing I can claim to be is human, and I have my faults. Everyone does. Being a hopeless romantic is a self fulfilling prophecy, and lends itself more kindly to delusion, as opposed to a sound perception of reality. If these are scars, then let the record show all of the wounds were self-inflicted.

They can't help who/what they are any more than I can.

The blame only lies with myself for whatever reason trying to be someone who I wasn't. Pre-Florida if I would have met some girl who I knew going in that I would have to share their affections - I wouldn't have bothered. Never in my life was I asked to share someone, nor should anyone ever be. Have it be a stipulation, condition, or term. If this was in Michigan, I wouldn't have given either the time of day. I'm better than that. It took seeing Margarita and Jenn again in September to remind me of this. I'm pretty damn awesome and I was better than what I put myself through. Things are a long shot because they are fucking long shot. Not because they will be even more "Worth it".

Was I that lonely?

Was I that desperate?

This quote seems appropriate:

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."

"Beyond Good and Evil", Aphorism 146 (1886)Friedrich Nietzsche

I won't go into the specific sequence of events with what transpired afterwards, because I don't like who I was at that time. It was as dark time, and I did some things that I'm not proud of. Call it emotional stockholm syndrome, but I turned around and did things that were suspect. I was not a good person. You can see that in the trail of words I left all year long.

Don't get me wrong - I was not a saint. I was not the hero, nor the good guy. Just because I felt like people fucked me over, it doesn't give me the right to turn around and do the same thing. I had just forsaken any sense of decency in how I treated certain people in response (When they didn't deserve it). I was so lost... Everything was upside down, and I don't EVER want to be that person again.

Things that didn't require guile didn't really seem worth doing at all.

The dust settled, and Michelle and I were together again. T-Mobile didn't work out, and soon enough in early 2010 I was out of Kimmy's house and living with Michelle. I did enjoy the domestic aspects early on. I did a lot of cooking, but after a while it just seemed like the two of us were going through the motions. I was completely screwed up emotionally, and was forcing myself to feel something that I didn't - but thought I should. I don't think she ever read the manual, or fully understood what it took to be with someone like me. We were dead in the water.

I'm a Scorpio, and certain aspects of my affections are high maintenance.

Michelle and I decided to end our relationship in July (After living together since February, and which we still do), in what has to be the most adult thing I've ever done to date. We weren't happy, but at least it ended in an amicable fashion. I brought it up, because it was obvious that we had just both lost interest. Just wasn't meant to be. Has it been a little awkward? Yup. We split up the apartment (Alright, I got the bedroom), and have been civil and gracious as we can be (For Chewy's sake, of course). The apartment lease is up at the end of March, and though we are friends I doubt we will have occasion or a reason to speak after. I am going to miss Chewy though, already do. :(

Of the two previously mentioned, I still made myself try to be Person A's friend, which wasn't so bad, save for the fact that whenever I left I felt horrible.

I use the term "Suffer proximity" a lot. I can read a note, hear a song, etc, and just for a moment I will be right back where I was when it made it's impact. As an artist this is invaluable, but as a human being it sucks. I could be around her without some of that holdover longing, and I was caught in between - knowing that my inability to forget was my inability to forgive. Subconsciously I think I kept person A around for so long (maybe even person B) was because of the strife it provided. The pain in itself became an addiction, because it let me write. When I can write I feel strong and powerful. I created landscapes that are beautiful in their desolation. I love how I am able to write, because there are only a few out there who know what I am saying when I say it.

I don't expect anyone to understand...

Going home to Detroit in September, my soul regrouped when I got to see my family, Jenn, and then Margarita. There is a huge difference in talking to someone on the phone, texting, or email - to seeing them in front of you. Going back to the proximity thing - I wasn't sure how seeing them would affect me, but it turned out to be okay. There was a certain finality, and the affairs were settled. I think both of them will read this and know that finally, we are all on our respective same pages. Everyone that I know has a role to play in my life, muse, siren, angel, etc. Jenn was always my proxy, and Margarita will always be my Zoe.

In the last few months, I have become painfully self-aware. There were several things that occurred which were a long time in the making... Among other things (smirk) - I basically told myself "Enough" with both person A and B. Person B is gone and will forever be gone from my life, after my friends jumped all over her on Facebook. Good riddance, and thank you for those who spoke up.

I am not sure where person A fits in my life anymore, so she doesn't.

There more I think about it, the more I realize that by twisting and changing who I was so much in a vain attempt to be with either of them, I had approached their respective situations from a position of weakness. I don't ever want to be that weak again.

The irony is all of it became inconsequential when I met Julie.

Julie is one of my sister's friends who (on a whim) decided to come down to go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal with me, because I had no one to go with. I picked her up, she checked in to her hotel, and we went out for a drink and some appetizers.

I had to force myself to stop telling her how broken I had perceived myself to be, what a minefield I had become. I was so apprehensive when I first met her. My previous relationship suffered because, well, she was not only dating a ghost of me, but the ghosts of them as well. Michelle and I were doomed from the start in retrospect. I did not want to make the same mistake with Julie.

I am who I am, and she shouldn't have to suffer her predecessors.

I can remember sitting there with her at HHN. I can remember the words I said to her when she snapped into focus.

Everything I've ever done has led me to now.

It's funny because there is a small part of the artist in me that cannot help but resent her. The addict in me resents the pain she doesn't give. I have said many times that I can't write when I'm happy - which is what has led to this recent gap. I used to get so intoxicated on the hurt that I wouldn't let go of the stranglehold I had on despair. It was an art form.

Words can be a weapon, and sometimes I forget that I have teeth. There were traps that I sprung even after knowing they were there. That I saw coming a mile away. Never again.

If all of the pain and suffering and all of the plethora of other atrocities I have endured was the price to pay to meet her, I would do so again tenfold. Gladly. There is a darkness in me that I know will never leave (as it never truly leaves us) but it makes a lovely contrast.

I feel like I am living half a life, because the other half is 1200 miles away. All I can do is keep myself distracted (Thank you to the hundreds of movies I have watched and WoW: Cataclsym).

She came to visit in early December, and when she left, it crushed me. I miss her horribly.

I love you, Julie. Thank you for changing my life, giving me something to look forward to, and saving me from the darkness... I won't claim to be 100% fixed, but for you I want to try and be happy together. You make me want to be a better person, because you deserve the best version of me that I can give you.

For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to this upcoming year. 2011 will be important in the grand scheme of things - and will have a ton of movies to boot.

Thank you to all of my friends who have helped and been there for me. Eva for recommending Connextions, Jessica for the talks, all of the friends I have made since (Quinton, DJ, etc.) Thank you to Noel for hooking me up with all kinds of stuff, and to the Barton family for adopting me for the holidays. I appreciate all of you, and everyone else I didn't mention.

I miss you family and friends in Michigan. We'll see if I make it back sooner rather than later...

How did I do on last year's resolutions?

1. Peace and Quiet - 2009 was too loud. I'm 31.
Didn't do to bad here. Things were pretty peaceful and quiet. Can't complain.
2. Stability - No more fluctuations.
Between Julie, Connextions, and the stand that I took, things stabilized themselves.
3. Progress - This T-Mobile thing will work itself out one way or another...
T-Mobile didn't work out for me and I don't miss any aspect of it whatsoever. Funny, that job has been so far out of sight/mind that EBG actually feels closer.
4. Creativity - I would like to start my first book this year.
Someday I will write something, I can see it all in my head I just can't put it in a straight line. I have been going to Poetry meetups over the last few months. I love reading and listening to others.
5. Path - I know where I've been, I just want to know where I am going.
I just want to be where she is, I am sure the details will work themselves out later.


1. Work out the details - There is a good chance I will be making my way back up to the North, but before I do so I need to figure out where I will be working/living and what I will be driving. Car lease is up in April. So many things to work out, but this is something I want to make happen. I don't care what I am doing as long as she is there.

2. Be happy - I just want to be happy.

3. Fix the website - my website is horribly broken and I need to fix it.

4. Find some sort of organized creative outlet.

2011 - Stay shiny.


[x]default setting.

nothing ever seems worth it
unless it's a lost cause
and there you were, screaming the odds
yet i lost myself in the risk versus reward
this is my default setting...
over and over
i cast myself off a cliff again
leaping, i go all in again
now i've drowned so much
that i've forgotten how to breathe
here it is, coming together
realization setting in
to the dillution of faith
the mar of realization
that i've given the best of myself
to the worst of people
only to be left with less than nothing
these are the debts i bear
burning aimless and numb
countered and compounded by blind hope
this is my vagabond soul
that implores you
please, please, some other girl
any girl, i dare you
save me from the loathing that swims within
prove to me that i am wrong
come break my heart
so she can no longer have that claim over me



pauper rich in only one aspect
the wealth of me
doesn't mean anything to you
my currency
is not something you accept or value
you never spoke my language
and yours only dulled my own
49/51 is not a concept you can comprehend anyway
yet it seems to make sense to everyone else
so this is my shimmy and shake
this isn't ill will
this is just forced indifference
so i'll be the bad guy
if that gives me a chance to breathe
you can pout while i take a break
from laying with monsters
and staring into the abyss of them
until the stare back and look like me
spare me the corruption of acceptance
the subtraction by addition
are you keeping up with me yet?
we swap this blue horizon
so you can finally discover
that i know your real name
and that my blood will not relent
you'll see
in calling my bluff
that i've been playing your hand all along


[x]found and lost.

i was apprehensive about returning
to my old life
sure i would see ghosts
certain that i would be haunted
yet there i was
burying the ghost of me instead
all of the questions
of who i could have been were answered
the only thing i seem to be sure of anymore
is ever since i found my way home
i've been nothing but lost



restless, yet exhausted
i'm a mess in prospect of your sway
there's panic in this malaise
the walls are closing in now
our time is running out
and when i finally escape to your prison
i still bear your 1%
terrified and wondering
are you still holding mine?
i am no longer able
to circumvent reality with distraction
i am scared
i am so scared
of meeting your eyes
and succumbing to the sheer gravity of us


[x]such an easy fix.

she is the one wound i leave open
in spite of myself
it all seems so easy on paper
such an easy fix
but i'm afraid of healing
afraid the words would stop coming
this is the benefit of torment
and the detriment of eloquence
my worth measured in strife
telling myself there is more than black and white
i walk the thin grey line
the tightrope of knowing
that my love is nothing without my hate


[x]my green eyes.

the distance i seemingly create
in this shoving match
the comfort exudes acceptance
which scares me
i'm afraid you'll notice
that i've never moved from this spot
i am hardwired against such closeness
yet here i am
when we are so near
you wash over me like flame every time
oh, the terror in my heart
that in this light
you can see how green my eyes truly are


[x]teflon girl, bomb shelter girl.

teflon girl, bomb shelter girl
practice makes perfect
so take cover again
and I will take my leave
no longer to be sullied by your caste
mercifully escaping your station
the distance and time and retrospect
puts me outside of the blast radius
fare thee well, my love
you are no longer my walking ground zero
go be someone else's


[x]feign villainy.

every single letter
calculated and measured
with every single word
I feign villainy
in every move
in all of this deceptive honesty
i cry wolf
in plain double meanings
my viciousness
brought to bear

[x]muted red.

the muted trail
tiny dots of red
oh, the state you left me in
and here i am
still leaving the wound open
refusing to let you become
just another scar


[x]the light in her.

there is a light in her
forgotten by the shade in me
a warmth to my coldness
as typically aligned
the circumstance random
and the timing to be desired
story of my life
a shame
that i only have to offer
my humble number 9


[x]sidestep parallel

slashed and burned in her advance
my retreat leaves me nothing
all i can do is sidestep
as we run in parallels
a caged animal
pacing back and forth
trying at all costs
to avoid backpeddling into oblivion


[x] Drawing you out.

From almost forever away
I feel your thoughts flicker like a siren
and I wonder
if you feel mine in return
there is danger even in caution
do I dare
try to draw you out?


[x] Cardi Ex Machina.

cliche to even say
that if you bothered to touch my heart
you would find it broken
yet still beating
powered by the machinations of my denial
my vain pride
cardi ex machina
when i tell myself
that i am not a walking consolation prize


[x]No Better.

we are fallen
yet angels just the same
we atone
by justifying our transgressions
galvanized by pain
yet strip mined by guilt
no better
than the ones who stole our grace

[x]Interchangeable Alibis.

In the past
there is no opportunity
only certainty
present purgatory
and the future
paved in the blocks of time
in these interchangeable alibis
I cannot remember to forgive you


[x]cipher horizon.

how can you not see it?
it's all there
my whole life on display
i lie in wait
but cannot lie just the same
single truth is nothing more
than looking between the lines
of my delicate horizon
waiting to be undone
by the simplest of ciphers


[x]How To Destroy Muses.

the difference thin
between stricken and smitten
to this day
i can feel the blackness on my heart
as your poison
still courses it's way through my veins
seems all i can do is wait
until it breaks
this opposite of a fever in me


[x]novacaine shade.

my novacaine heart
leaves me on floor
switching places with my shadow
it now stands in my place
and i am dragged
by the very shade of me


[x]the loudest silence.

all said and done
i miss feeling your heart beat
though i loathe the way
that you handled mine in return
these last drops of ink
will bleed from within
until there's nothing left to say
this void filled simply
with the loudest silence ever



the ember grows cold
as you take your flame away from me
something still burns
when the thought of you occurs
yet i am spared my eyes
not having to see you
these tiny hurts
are but paper cuts on my heart
yet wounds just the same


[x]we move on.

...miss the sound of my voice
the feel of my eyes
the burning of my soul
the sense of being drawn
the overbearing of my heart
the power of my words
the beauty of our eden
the intoxication of our presence
the sparks of every touch
that very calculation in our romance
and, most of all -
the sophistication of my love


[x]hiding in plain sight.

shell shocked and numb
i walk the line between hope and despair
how quickly this all unraveled
these words my very blood
so what will happen
when i run out of poetry in this disconnect?
no longer have to see me hiding in plain sight
my will to power and weakness
yet she called me nonchalant


[x]just another scar.

i long for the day
that i won't have to look into her eyes anymore
when i don't feel the pain
that she doesn't even acknowledge
when this open wound
will be just another scar
and when this siren
will be just another flame
i long for the day
when i won't feel like this anymore


[x]benevolent poison.

what used to be tension
just feels like a lack of oxygen now
the weight heavy and hallucinating
is it still intoxicating?
or is it just hard to breathe?
gradual in it's benevolent poison
i expose myself to it slightly
trying to just let it go numb
let that part of me that was yours die
but there is no immunity to work up to
there never was an inoculation in the first place



you could say
that this is a crossroads
when i clearly see the way back
but cannot glimpse the way forward
i stand in a my vast shadow
and in this eclipse
i just can't tell how tall i could have been



did i fall out of her orbit
or did she fall out of mine?
i take solace in the fact
that i won't feel like this forever
knowing that she wasn't the person
i thought she was
and i am spared
knowing that she never really knew me at all


[x]by definition.

like a ticker tape parade of ash
the paper still burning
words scattered and meaningless
lost like the momentum of gestures
this disillusion of progress
the inertia of my soul
must carry on past my heart stonewalled
cold logic takes back over
there is no big picture here
there is no mosaic anymore