[x]Year In Review 2009.

Song of the year - "Uprising" by Muse (The Resistance)



They will not force us, they will stop degrading us...
They will not control us, we will be victorious...

Well, well, well. It's been a while, my dear readers. I haven't posted anything on my website since September. I have missed you and writing for you.

Some of you are well aware of what has transpired this over the last 12 months. Some of you know part of the story, some of you know all of it. I know my tag line for 2009 was "Johnny Bronto Takes Over The World" but it turned out of be "The World Takes Over Johnny Bronto". 2009 saw me overwhelmed in more than one situation. This was my best year creatively, which isn't surprising considering.

I really wish I could be more forthcoming to you. However, for one of the first times in the history of my journal - these will stay my private disasters.

Let me put it this way - the phoenix in me finally died. I cannot burn with reckless abandon anymore. That part of me is gone.

Normally I would go through my resolutions of last year - however being that I completely failed at every single one of them, I will skip it. I tend to get caught up in myself and my life. This year I found myself absolutely lost.

Sigh. I really wish I could just come out and say it. I really wish I could just have full disclosure here. How strong I was at some points, how absolutely pathetic I was at others. This past year stretched me to my limits, and I cannot wait until it is over.

I learned a lot this year:

The grass is never greener...
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
The quarry has to be worth the chase...
People do NOT change...
You cannot save someone if they have no interest in being saved... (see above)

Here are my thank you notes:

Thank you to my family for supporting me. Mom, you are the best.
Thank you to Margarita for being an angel and literally saving me from the brink.
Thank you to Jenn for listening to me.
Thank you to Joe for writing a book that brought me back to orb.
Thank you to Noel for everything you've done for me. You are the best.
Thank you to Nicole A for not letting me make any more excuses for them.
Thank you to Jessired for being a fellow ginger and a great talker.
Thank you to all of my ex-EBG co-workers for being awesome, I miss you all.
Thank you to all of the certain A's that were muses and sirens.
Thank you to Michelle for Z, and still talking to me even though I don't deserve it.
Thank you to everyone I may have forgotten to list here. It's 3:25am

I have high hopes for 2010. Here are my resolutions...

1. Peace and Quiet - 2009 was too loud. I'm 31.
2. Stability - No more fluctuations.
3. Progress - This T-Mobile thing will work itself out one way or another...
4. Creativity - I would like to start my first book this year.
5. Path - I know where I've been, I just want to know where I am going.

2010 - A little island called hope.

[x]The bullet and the phoenix.

the broken pieces of me
this pathetic offering
head down and cupped hands
whatever is left is yours
above all other things
it breaks my heart
to have to tell you that I'm not perfect

longing for the day
when this is all over
i will be out of this haunted house
and she will just be another predecessor
with the epilogue and moral
that the quarry
should be worth the chase
because I don't know
what I would have done
even if I had caught her

she warned me of the knife
that she held when I embraced her
she's evil and apathetic
the way quicksand could be called malicious
she leaves me to die
forever to swear
that it was my doing all along

my angel will always
have one percent of me
and this bar
she sets it so unfairly
for the rest of the world
and all of the love that I will ever have

what good is a hero
to a damsel in distress
that doesn't want to be saved
the roles we played
nothing more than the fabrications
of a poor soul
that made the grave error
of just wanting to be more for her

out of options
this all encompassing void
backs me to a cliff
this cinematic leap
of sheer lack of faith
saved by my angel
grabbing my wrist
showing me what a siren really is

depending on who you ask
she killed me
or I killed myself
the eyewitnesses live on
if only to know the truth of it
I am free finally
to exist and believe
somewhere in between
the bullet and the phoenix

the karma line of credit
and the ghost of you
our crosses to bear
I suffer this truce
only because
I don't have the energy to surrender anymore

[x]Just like that.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --- Albert Einstein

Just like that - I'm free.

You know I spent the last 5 months trying to find the right combination of words/actions to unlock her heart. Nothing worked. The war was fought and completely devastated me. I have never put so much effort into a situation to try and make it work before. Everything I wrote for her, everything I did... Nothing so much as made a scratch. She would be the first to tell you that it didn't, either.

Some of the best poetry I have ever written was for her.

I was imprisoned by my frustration, and it turns out she just unlocked the door for me to escape loving her.

She posted that quote on facebook and it finally hit me. I'm the one that believe in miracles. I'm the one who believes in something greater than myself.

She is, was, and always will be the anti-scorpio.

[x]This has got to die, this has got to stop.

Relevant - "Elephant" by Damien Rice (O)

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

[x]Sometimes I wish I could turn my heart/brain off.

we lay together
in this bed we've made
both for the same warmth and comfort
but under different blankets
you are all wrapped up in the present
while I surround myself in the future
my heart and hands now unsteady
as I try to find you somewhere in between

i cannot sleep again
this bed is barren without you in it
this house is empty
every time i return and you are not here
merely a convenience
to live in a place
that is never home without you

the absolute torture
of being left to wonder
i try to possess my siren
while she will not be caught
even though we both see the rocks now
i press on
hoping with my entire heart
that at some point this will give her pause

we come from different places
and i know you are trying
trying to speak my language
with my ego i like to think myself exempt
though you are away too much now
and you may not realize
that i am trying to relax and accept
but i can only blame myself
was i that fleeting?

i long for your lips
to kiss me, to speak to me
for your eyes to look at me
the way they used to
maybe this fairy tale is over
and we are just
going through the motions
i just can't seem to let go
of what we used to be

i am only myself without you
while together we seem to be much more
and could be greater still
i bide my time
while my heart allows me to hang on
you're slipping away
if you haven't already
as we fall into routine
away from what was
and away from what could be

just being around you
is like a drug
an addiction
that leads to withdrawal
that high
replaced with loneliness and doubt and pain
i go from special to mundane
if i make you happy
then why are you gone?

[x]Changes.

when you are gone
you always feel further away
than you really are
take my heart with you when you go
i don't want to feel anything
when you leave me alone
without you

[x]Difficulty.

It's really hard to tell someone that you don't want them to contact you anymore. Especially after you realize that you do really miss them in your life, and that deep down you still love them and wish that somehow it could work out.

Jessica called (drunk dialed) me a bit ago for the first time since October. The conversation was at the very least odd but it opened up an old wound in me. After that long of no communication between us, I was doing fine. In an out of sight, out of mind kind of way I was doing better. Then she called and everything came crashing down.

I realize now that I do miss her in my life, and I miss being with her. It's just unfortunate that things played out they way that they have. It was really hard to tell her that we shouldn't talk anymore. I do still love her and I miss what we had in the time that we were in the same place.

Due to recent situations, I now know the value of having something... tangible.

I try not to regret moving down here. My life has improved vastly in ways that she will never understand. With the original plan she should have been down here by now and we should have been starting our life together.

So, Jessica if you are reading this. I'm sorry. I really am and if there was any way that we could have made it work I would have been willing to try.

[x]detriment and eloquence part I.

I haven't posted anything lately. Any normal thoughts anyway. If you are, in fact reading this... everything over the past month has been poetry and song lyrics.

I'm so lost.

It all started with a kiss. Then I couldn't sleep (literally) for weeks. I have gone through every possible emotion in every possible combination since. From the greatest elation to having that sick feeling in my stomach from having my heart broken. From being filled to the brim in my heart, to having it so empty that it feels like my very soul is bleeding out from the hole...

The things I have written in the past month... I've been writing for as long as I can remember, and some of these are the best I have ever written. My masterpiece. Some of those have been beyond anything I've ever been able to say.

Sometimes I am left with the feeling that it's been a waste. My great strides haven't so much made a dent in her. I doubt it ever will. I am at a loss as to how to get through.

You would think being eloquent and articulate would be a good thing. Most people I know do not have any outlet for artistic expression. In any form. They just keep themselves bottled up, or fall into various vices to get by.

It's the eloquence that is destroying me.

You will never understand what it's like to be so in touch with how you feel that you can actually put it into words. On top of that, having everything you ever write becoming some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When I write, it's not just words on paper. It's admitting things to myself.

I give a little part of myself into everything I write. Now I've given to much.

It's not a gift. It's a curse.

[x]my devastating nights, my peaceful mornings

these simple mornings
i follow you with my eyes
wondering if you notice
this scene glossed in peace
a contrast
to my devastating nights
that you'll never know
where you are here but not mine
blissful in your sleep

warm is the only word for all of this
please give in
let me have my ignorance for now
i am always yours
yet these are the few and only hours
where you are mine as well
leaving me with a kiss on the cheek
and when you are gone
reality takes your place

[x]Feels a lot like sorrow...

Relevant - "Happiness" by The Fray



Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar