[x]A haiku for "What's her name?".

just an open door
never to be seen again
her smile made my day


[x] The Girl In Front

the middle of the alphabet part 2 - The Girl In Front

There have been so many clues in my words
so much all over my years in the sunshine
that i would half expect to find her fingerprints on my pen
and half expect that she has no suspicion at all
I saw her before we had even met
and when her story preceded her it crushed me
I've always seen the strength in both clumsiness and grace
even since our first exchange
I like to think there was something in the timing of my arrival
when my favorite special person
who i have never so much as kissed
could still make the Mt. Rushmore of my affections
if i ever end up with someone half has good
i would consider myself truly favored
always my default love
simply because she is most deserving of it
The best version of me
still wouldn't be remotely good enough for her
and even if I somehow reached that pinnacle
i know she'd be long gone by the time i'd get there
yet when I make excuses to see her
she makes me want to be a better person
for her and for myself
because in her eyes the world deserves the best of us
when benevolence magnifies my own malcontent
it may just be the attraction of our opposite demeanor
like the moon against the sun
yet with no hope to ever eclipse her
When i'm with her she's the only girl who matters
drowning out all of the other static
and every time i leave i'm full of words
just none of which i can bring myself to say
I will never be able to escape the shadow of her scars
as hard as that is to accept it still doesn't stop me
from wishing to turn that permanent shroud into a veil
because i would never leave her if given half a chance
These words are not expected to change anything
She just deserves to know for once
that when she looks me in the eyes
I don't think she's ever seen me at all


[x] Passion Aggression

the middle of the alphabet part 1 - passion aggression

i've said that we're okay until we aren't
and today i am no longer content
when you are merciless in your compassion
then i all i can do is appear ruthless in my indifference
with anyone else i could keep up this facade
you're the only one who sees my mask slip
feeling my resentment for not allowing me to hide from you
and forcing the vulnerability out of me
it's truly a shame that you had to meet me after the fall
when i couldn't even bother looking up from rock bottom
my sullied hands still clawing at the dirt
seeing if i could dig myself in any further
i was so preoccupied with my destruction
that i never allowed us to create anything
and for that i know you may have forgiven me
even if i can never bring myself to
because you've always deserved better than who i've been
so much so that i wish we'd never met until now
you came into my life when i was at my weakest, my darkest
and i was thankless when you still tried to see my grace
i cannot fix the side effects of pain
between the breakups, the madness, and the sadness of it all
the one thing i truly regret that i cannot go back
and redeem who i used to be for our sake
it's plain to see that we love each other slightly less
than we've convinced ourselves it won't work
we've never quite have been able to vocalize it
these and those words seem like such an empty gestures
maybe i'm completely and utterly wrong
but i know i shoulder all of the blame
when i am with you, i just want to be the man reflecting in your eyes
i just want you to finally see
that when you go to leave i'd wish you'd just stay
and when you are gone
i still know you would never hurt me
yet you leave me destroyed just the same