[x] Year in Review 2014

Note - I've been working on this for several days prior to the last day of the year, so I apologize for any jumps in theme or tone...

YIR theme song "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant

Life's to short to even care at all... 

As I type some of this I am in Michigan currently.  After 7 years here in Florida I can finally confirm it - this isn't my home anymore. This place is a cemetery and my family/friends are the caretakers. There is nothing for me here besides them.  In my wandering this year it occurred to me that I always end up driving by the the same places, every time I go to Michigan.  The house/city that I grew up in, where I almost proposed to someone, where I went to school, etc.  I visit these places almost subconsciously like graves.

Regret is something I have thought a lot about a lot leading up to the end of this year, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't carry much anymore.  It used to make up a big part of who I was.

It's human nature to carry regret, and I am as flawed as anyone else (Maybe even more so).  True regret means you are willing to sacrifice everything you have to go back and take another shot.  I am no longer willing to do so.  I know now everything up to this point has played out the way it was always meant to.  Do I wish a few things would be different?  Sure.  I wouldn't trade my life for any other version of me.  Being here in Michigan - there are about 2-3 moments in my life that could have changed everything.  Not asking her to marry me, deciding to move to FL, and sticking with that decision.

THE FEELS - I did pretty well this year emotionally, until I had a setback.  With Robin Williams passing there was more of a focus on what depression can do to people.  It still escapes me how someone so beloved took his own life.  I know what it is like to have crippling depression, and it is something I deal with every single day.  Some days are better than others, and if it's something you are lucky to not have in you will never understand.  With Robin Williams - with all the laughter, joy, and love that he brought to this world - my heart goes out to a man who was so backed into a corner emotionally that he couldn't go on.  It's been bad for me, but never that bad.  It's a shame and the world is a colder and darker place without him.  I really truly hope you find peace in whatever comes after this world.

I have never before cried at a lost celebrity (and I'm not crying now, I swear), but his loss absolutely ruined me for a few weeks.  It's very sad.  I mean, how can there be any hope for the rest of us if ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS couldn't go on?

THE WOMEN/THE WORDS - Earlier in the year I made a decision to give anything I write to the person it was for.  I wrote a series of poems "The middle of the alphabet" and a few others.  The poems really turned out to be some of my favorites.  One of the poems cost me a friend, but I think there were underlying issues anyway.  I don't expect everyone to understand the role of the muses in my life.  I don't have to be pursuing someone for them to inspire me.  Some people flatter themselves and make blanket assumptions, but they are neither in my head nor my heart.

My writing ledger is clear now.  I even went back and finished a few poems because I wanted certain people to have their poems.  They deserved them.

I haven't dated anyone seriously in a few years now.  That should bother me but it doesn't.  I guess I got by on pulling different aspects from the various women in my life.  Beauty, intelligence, benevolence, etc.  When you put it all together the sum was greater than the individual parts.  I know it's pathetic, but it was had to suffice.  My focus was mainly on my job this year.

Over the last year or so many of the women in my life have gotten engaged/married, entered into relationships, had children, or simply moved on/away from my life.  I am happy for them.  Most of these connections I have simply let go.  Well, more like stopped holding on to.

There are some still around - The crush, the impossible girl, and the exercise in restraint.

MVP of the year - Terry Barnett.  Thank you for everything that you have done for me this year.  I think Terry is one of the few people that really "Get" me.  He understands that I cannot help my Ego or OCD, and is there when I need to vent about work.  He has helped me get through a lot work-wise this last year, and has facilitated growth within my person and company.

THIS YEAR/LAST YEAR - I'm not going to do the typical last year review and resolutions.  I just want to try and be a better person, take better care of myself (Lose some weight) - and try to find a way out of this loneliness.  I've started to build a foundation for my life by myself, because I am not sure that I am ever going to find someone.

I need to fix some things about me.  My skin is not my own.


[x] Pursue

for just a moment in time she was mine
at least, she was my muse to end all muses
i wouldn't have minded getting lost in her abyss
until life forced me to unwillingly escape
she is everything that i've ever wanted in a girl
but was a afraid to ask for
she was warm when i was cold
and fully aware of her own dark secret
she should have anyone or anything that she wants
life's empires could rise and fall in her wake and whims
with nothing more than a smile
and the dangerous vulnerability in her eyes
like some deadly exotic flower
only to be truly appreciated from afar
always to look but never to touch
i loved her more for her thorns than her petals
yet i knew the single most attractive thing about her
is that she would have been the absolute ruin of me
one of the most beautiful girls in the world 
who will always be pursued - but never really caught



she's so much more beautiful
before doing herself up for her fan club
the only thing making me special in these mornings
is the privilege of letting time get lost in those eyes
she makes me remember what it's like to be young
while reminding me that I am not 
and somehow when I am with her
that isn't the same thing
from a distance it appears I'm just keeping her at an arms' length
but look a little closer
to see the knives at each other's throats
this being the volatility that keeps us both safe
my little miss macabre
stowed away on a ship that was never meant to sail
if only you could see what i see without feeling what i feel
and know that i fight you simply because i will not surrender to you
when what have you done for me lately
may very well be her currency
the only thing i have to offer
is the refusal to get caught in her web


[x] Terms

The middle of the alphabet part 3 - Terms

we were fated to say hello
and even from the beginning  - 
i've always known more than i've let on
because there was simply something about this girl
one thing we had in common
was our fear that maybe, just maybe
we had been out of the world too long
and parts of us had atrophied
i wish i could've given up part of myself to help you
but i can't fix anything in you with the broken parts of me
i just tried to be the friend you wanted me to be
while never apologizing for my attraction
the few times her reservations fell
she would all of a sudden be so alive like a phoenix
and being enthralled as i was
i suppose it was inevitable that i was to get burned
i never fell in love with her
yet loved the way she loved things
the rare passion and fire in her
the few times she would let herself feel alive with me
that night i could have listened to her sing forever
just listening to her voice, lost in her descriptions
in that moment she was the most beautiful girl in the world
and i was the most doomed man on the planet
so i kissed her because it needed to happen
because she had it coming
and in that smallest perfection
even when she kissed me back i was never led astray
this kiss was the one and only thing i ever took for myself
in our short and entire history
and what to me was a ripple, was to her a wave
bringing us to this impasse
i'm not going to apologize for getting caught up in the moment
and whatever has changed with you - i've held my course
all of this was meant to happen 
even when we are now fated so say goodbye


[x]A haiku for "What's her name?".

just an open door
never to be seen again
her smile made my day


[x] The Girl In Front

the middle of the alphabet part 2 - The Girl In Front

There have been so many clues in my words
so much all over my years in the sunshine
that i would half expect to find her fingerprints on my pen
and half expect that she has no suspicion at all
I saw her before we had even met
and when her story preceded her it crushed me
I've always seen the strength in both clumsiness and grace
even since our first exchange
I like to think there was something in the timing of my arrival
when my favorite special person
who i have never so much as kissed
could still make the Mt. Rushmore of my affections
if i ever end up with someone half has good
i would consider myself truly favored
always my default love
simply because she is most deserving of it
The best version of me
still wouldn't be remotely good enough for her
and even if I somehow reached that pinnacle
i know she'd be long gone by the time i'd get there
yet when I make excuses to see her
she makes me want to be a better person
for her and for myself
because in her eyes the world deserves the best of us
when benevolence magnifies my own malcontent
it may just be the attraction of our opposite demeanor
like the moon against the sun
yet with no hope to ever eclipse her
When i'm with her she's the only girl who matters
drowning out all of the other static
and every time i leave i'm full of words
just none of which i can bring myself to say
I will never be able to escape the shadow of her scars
as hard as that is to accept it still doesn't stop me
from wishing to turn that permanent shroud into a veil
because i would never leave her if given half a chance
These words are not expected to change anything
She just deserves to know for once
that when she looks me in the eyes
I don't think she's ever seen me at all


[x] Passion Aggression

the middle of the alphabet part 1 - passion aggression

i've said that we're okay until we aren't
and today i am no longer content
when you are merciless in your compassion
then i all i can do is appear ruthless in my indifference
with anyone else i could keep up this facade
you're the only one who sees my mask slip
feeling my resentment for not allowing me to hide from you
and forcing the vulnerability out of me
it's truly a shame that you had to meet me after the fall
when i couldn't even bother looking up from rock bottom
my sullied hands still clawing at the dirt
seeing if i could dig myself in any further
i was so preoccupied with my destruction
that i never allowed us to create anything
and for that i know you may have forgiven me
even if i can never bring myself to
because you've always deserved better than who i've been
so much so that i wish we'd never met until now
you came into my life when i was at my weakest, my darkest
and i was thankless when you still tried to see my grace
i cannot fix the side effects of pain
between the breakups, the madness, and the sadness of it all
the one thing i truly regret that i cannot go back
and redeem who i used to be for our sake
it's plain to see that we love each other slightly less
than we've convinced ourselves it won't work
we've never quite have been able to vocalize it
these and those words seem like such an empty gestures
maybe i'm completely and utterly wrong
but i know i shoulder all of the blame
when i am with you, i just want to be the man reflecting in your eyes
i just want you to finally see
that when you go to leave i'd wish you'd just stay
and when you are gone
i still know you would never hurt me
yet you leave me destroyed just the same