[x]Here at the end...

2007 Year In Review

Relevant - "Exit Music for a Film" by Radiohead (you can hear it here)

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack.. and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

*Note* - We took my dad to the hospital last night when he started to have trouble breathing. Turns out he was having congestive heart failure and they are keeping him there, a few days for observation.

Preface - This year was just like any other of recent years, up until the decision was made (on a planned whim) to pack up and move operations to Florida. My friend Mike had called me at just the right moment and here I am - or there I will be. This decision was made a few months ago, and then things started to happen...

January - World of Warcraft expansion (The Burning Crusade) comes out, Miscreant created.

February - S.P.A. Year 7 (last year hopefully), David Bradley is born (Chelz + Brad)

March - blowout! meet Jessica *again*, Beep/Boop, What is the brand of your vagrancy? Blueberry pancakes and setting the stage....

April - Margarita leaves (and partly comes back), I am on fire writing.

May - I think I listen to the new Nine Inch Nails album for a whole month. I am trying to believe.

June - Nothing posted for this month (Need to fill in these gaps for next year)

July - Eagle Vs. Shark is Napoleon Dynamite on crack. I get into World War Z. Tranformers is awesome as Megan Fox is hot.

August - 7 year anniversary for the site. Fantasy football for the first time!

September - I move home from Royal Oak. Song to the Siren cuts me by David Gray.

October - She wants revenge... (and now I do too) - I decide that I am moving to Florida at the end of the year... Detour Launch party. I see some emo kid punched into a glass door and go into shock. Jessica and I start dating again. Space Ghost loves cats.

November - I turn 29 and slowly start getting things start to come together. Seems only when you want to leave, things make you want to stay. Miscreant becomes a PVP monster.

December - Margarita and I are resolved. Tender Lions (fantasy team) make the playoffs and lose in the 2nd round.

How did I do on last year's resolutions?

1. Be healthier PHYSICALLY - Hrm. Kind of cashed in the health chips when I realized I was moving.

2. Wrap up soul searching - I have always been looking for a leap of faith and I think I have finally found it. Florida is where I jump.

3. Be there for my family - Being back in Allen Park really helped. Was nice to be able to hang out with Logan/Ariel/David more.

4. Pay off EVERYTHING - No lottery win this year (maybe next) I did start doing damage though.

5. Let the dead lay - Goodbyes were said this year, and now I get to see who I am without the muse I have had for so long.

6. Be me - I found my stride in my wit this year.

7. Find someone - I love you Jessica, and I hate that I have to leave you here. Stick with the plan.

New Year's Resolutions 2008

1. Make it work - This is a HUGE move for me. I want to be the person that makes it work, in all facets, from now on.

2. Shed some vices/Be healthier - No more candy/pop/fast food. That stuff is garbage and I need to start taking care of myself. Hopefully getting out of the cold will let me skip bronchitis this year. I think the only things I will allow myself to go out and get are Wendy's chili and Jimmy John's.

3. Let myself be happy and loved - I have a great girlfriend who loves me and a family that loves me. I shouldn't take that for granted anymore. I need to let them all in my heart more.

4. Put the dark side to use - I can't seem to shake that cold, dark, ruthless side of me so I might as well do something constructive with it. Hopefully I can leave some of the grey skies here in Michigan.

5. Let the wit win - Find some use for my razor sharp wit.

6. Write more - I need to express myself better this year than last. I have a good digital camera now, and want to have more of a photo/video journal.

Looking forward to next year - Moving, no longer working for TAG, enjoying some sunshine and my new life. Being around my little brother again. Moving FORWARD.

So, here we go 2008.



[x]for every ending...

These past few days have been surreal. The feeling of ending with so many things that have been part of my life for so long.

The last time I will work for Tag.
The last time I get to hang out with my friends on Sunday.

Just to name a few. I suppose some things must end to make room for others to begin.


We'll catch up with where I have been these last two months. Soon.


[x]good insomnia.

The body is truly the prison for the soul.

So the anchor is up on the move... and suddenly I don't feel so weighed down with a light in the distance. Now just comes the planning stages, because I want to do this right.

Which leaves me abuzz in thought, even at almost 1am. There's much to do and figure out how I am going to pull this off. What's coming, what's going. What needs to be said and done, before I say my goodbyes...

Goodbyes... Some of them have been a long time coming. God willing, I will leave all the ghosts here in Michigan.

Even the ghost of me.



As you may or may not know (not really sure if there is a "you" out there anymore) - I moved home a few weeks ago. Yeah, yeah... I know...

My work/crew situation just became too much to bear and I had to get out of Royal Oak. Given that this was sudden decision, it didn't really allow me enough time to line up somewhere else to live. So - home > homeless.

It sucks. It sucks because my heart wasn't in this move... and it showed. Been home 3 weeks and I *just yesterday* sorted my dvds. Geeky as that sounds - it's just not me. Really I have been at home staring at the walls, and just now am wrapping up unpacking.

I love having my family around. Logan and Ariel will jump on me and wake me up - David is rolling all over the place. Hearing Logan describe school is just fascinating. I mean it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital, holding all of them... and here they are now.

Yet, still all of this feels distant - and it's not fair to anyone.

Physically I am here. Emotionally, however - I am devoid and detached. I feel as though I have given up on myself when everyone else will not. The fight is gone in me and I don't really know how to make everyone understand that.

In the middle of all of this I received a phone call from my friend Mike. Then the suggested move to Florida. More on that later...

Eloquent as I am I cannot express how dark these days are in my heart. There is no hope left for me here in this state. I feel like my soul moved somewhere else, a very long time ago. I feel like it's waiting for me

It's so easy to get on your soapbox and say "what about your family" when you are married, have children...have a life. It's so easy to tell me to make it work, to overcome... when you have something to wake up to in the morning... Someone to wake up next to. So easy to be so accomplished and point down at me and say "why couldn't you do it?"

You know what I wake up to? I wake up to graveyard, every single day for as long as I can remember. Not to discount my family in anyway - that's not what I am talking about. I wake up to a graveyard of missed opportunities, mistakes, and a complete misuse of potential. I suffer the landmarks every single day. Say whatever you will but understand that I am even harsher on myself. I know, have known all my life that somewhere in me there is greatness. Just not here, anymore. I spent so much of my life hiding, and fighting this depression. For the record I think I won (jury is still out on that) but now I live with the destruction I have wrought in doing so.

The ghosts are still there, and I sometimes welcome it. Because every once in a while they let me remember what it was like to feel something.

Somewhere along the line I just gave up. If I stay here I am clueless as to what my next move is... I am alone, I hate my fucking job, and everything I have still isn't good enough. Because this isn't me. This me is pathetic. It's time to leave. I know you love me but if you really care then let me try to become who I was meant to end up. I am not a passive person, yet I feel docile and subdued. Caged really. For fuck's sake I'm a scorpio.

I am nothing without passion. I'm just a robot. Do you want me to be a robot?

This whole proposed move thing is drastic, yes it is. But nothing has lit a spark in me like the idea of truly starting over. But you know what? I want to be the guy that makes it work. I want to be the guy that seizes an opportunity instead of squandering it, or hiding from it. I want to be the guy that makes a complete u-turn and finally grabs life by the throat. Who takes care of himself in all facets of life.

Really, that guy is my hero. I would really like my story to go on with adventures and romance and intrigue. Suspense even. Tell me you wouldn't jump at the chance, in my situation - to the let story go on. There's just nothing left for me here, and I want my soul back. There's just no happy ending in sight anymore...

I have been waiting for my leap of faith... just let me jump.

[x]crushed in the aftertow.

Relevant - "Song to the Siren" by David Gray (A thousand miles behind) *originally by THIS MORTAL COIL*

The timing of this song has completely crushed me...

On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."


[x]when all the nothing is gone.

Relevant - "Signal Fire" by Snow Patrol

No I don't want to wait forever...

These last few days have been interesting.

now my breath is gone
like the wind in my sails
there's nothing I could say now
that hasn't been said before

before the oncoming resentment
to keep warm
I threw everything in that would burn
the only way to get out now
is to keep cold



6 years, and the world is still such a different place.

It's unfortunate when innocents have to suffer as the result of a misguided religious zealot.

Oh wait.


[x]TV is officially dead...

The ENTOURAGE season 3 finale was tonight (downer ending) and no other show that I watch is current. Not that I watch a ton of television, but this year:

SOPRANOS is over.
ROME is over.
DEADWOOD is over.
ENTOURAGE is over until 2008.
LOST is over until 2008

Well, for another 25 days anyway. GREY'S ANATOMY/THE OFFICE season 4 premiere is on September 27th. Then again a week before I might start watching THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER on the 19th.


[x]slow down baby keep your eyes on the road...

Relevant - "Written in Blood" by She Wants Revenge (This is forever)

You taste like tear stains and coulda beens
-but I love a good train wreck
Your hair balled up inside my fist
You tell me don't get too attached
-like this is just entertainment



Not sure if anyone noticed, but my site was down for the better part of 48 hours earlier this week...

I have my site though joker.com and the contact they have for me is an @yahoo.com email address... which I never check anymore. (The account actually went inactive and I lost all of my old emails) - so booooooo on you yahoo. The contact email I have for being the owner of the domain is even older - and @home.com email address that I haven't used in years.

So, happy birthday www.deadpixel.org!

The site is renewed for another 2 years. Also I have upgraded the hosting site and with the new storage space I am hoping to maybe rework some of the site.

Seven years. Even though I have less to see these days, when the site was down I realized how much it means to me. I have to have that outlet even if there isn't anyone out there reading it.


[x]Patch notes.

Relevant - "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's

Well, I have decided to quit World of Warcraft. I had plans for the "Miscreant 100" where I would have gone around and killed 100 unique alliance dorks... However about 28 all of the interest for the game left me. It has been a fun 6 months, and I have accomplished a ton in the game. Now though it seems like I am putting in a lot of time without a lot of reward. Which pretty much means bumping your head on the ceiling.

So, instead of gaming, I am going to try and be a bit more constructive with my time and energy. For example, I picked up a lot of ground in WORLD WAR Z which I have been hung up on for months. Also I went and saw EAGLE VS. SHARK which is funny in the vein of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE.

So in my life again - changes need to be made... They always need to be made.


[x]lost among the crowd.

Relevant - "Skym" by Underworld (Beaucoup Fish)

Do you still feed the animal?

...and I myself cannot stop. All I can do is take the noise in me and make it pretty.

i suppose, when you mean to
tipping your hand early
is better
than never showing your cards at all

the polar opposite
of our attraction
is the way
that we do not love each other

do you understand
this intersection?
the pain will be easier to deal with
than the joy

we are part of this story
and yet
different themes
and both on different pages

i've gone and done it
every further word
one way or the other

denial only prolonging the inevitable
of our prophesied honesty
one lie we aren't living
is the long truths of yesterday

this struggle
of lust and willpower
i think i am the one who is broken
and also breaking the rule
- forgive me


[x]necessary lies/unnecessary truth.

with the fuse lit
we're even more liars
it's only a matter of time
before the tone goes dark

versions of me
underwhelmed by what is
and overwhelmed
by what could have been

you wound me
every single time you leave
and i never feel so alone
as when the warmth is fading

in our own little world
we play with fire
even though it's destined
to burn everything
in our own little world
we lie

denial the only bandage
for this mortal wound
because i won't let myself believe
how deep i was cut

take my heaven
and put it in my pocket again
as i have done so many times
when honesty would destroy
this blissful grey abyss

so much never spoken
when every world does nothing
nothing but subtract from
all that we never need to say

here i am again
but this time
the cruel twist
is i can see fate coming

what am i supposed to do?
what can i even say?
i cannot see my life past you
and i am afraid


[x]from my own abyss.

I am back.

Expect the dire soon.


[x]silence and peace.

Relevant - "The Good Soldier" by Nine Inch Nails (year zero)

Hope you understand the way that things are gonna be
There's nowhere left to hide
'Cause God is on our side
I keep telling myself

I am trying to see
I am trying to believe
This is not where I should be
I am trying to believe


Anyone who claims to know me closely... intimately... Should know that I tend to over-analyze and dwell on things too long. Over and over, every possible scenario. Call it a personality flaw. This may be the result of circumstance and what it has done to me in my life. I over think things in the illusion that somehow I can take chance out of the equation.

Heart on my sleeve is an understatement.

I tend to hide because I know that I am not good company in these situations. Just because the sky is falling for me doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

So if you are going to disappoint me - do so. If you are going to break my heart... fine I can deal with that. If anything else, I can deal with pain. Disregarding me for over a month and counting is just an insult... Whatever you scared of is just making it worse.

There is nothing more lonely than silence. In that, environment tends to magnify everything. Try to put yourself in my situation. Try to imagine what you have and are putting me through. Multiply that exponentially with every passing week.

I tend to torture myself over the things that I cannot change. The worst possible thing you can do to me, however, is leave me alone to my thoughts...

...and you have.


[x]what's the word for it... oh yeah.

You know, it took a few days to really nail down how I feel about the phone call from Jessica the other night.

The only word that comes to mind is - Amused.

I guess I'm not completely lost then.


[x]the subtle insanities!

Wow. Where to start.

1. Last night's phone call was... interesting to say the least.
2. I love the air, in spring. The sky is the only thing that makes me feel free.

even with all of the miles between us
the silence cuts the deepest
though, somehow
i'm there and you're here.



This would all end
we both knew
but for every step
the closer we got
that day seemed further and further away

Who am i to blame the syren
for smashing me into the rocks?
That's who she is
that's what this always was
even if I am in denial
of how it has to be.



all of this
set into emotion
asking for my blessing
is like getting permission to break my heart
because you know that veil
might as well be a shroud

damned either way
the happiness I want for you
even if it isn't me
i swear i'll try to say
everything you want to hear
even if it makes me ill to lie

the monster soliciting
knocks on the door
i'll sit here like a scolded child
afraid to move
how am i ever going to burn out
if i never shine?

the saving grace
oh sweet distraction
becaust it hurts to think
to eventually realize
that i'm completely destroyed

this war of attrition
because we both know
hurting me hurts you and vice versa
so where does that leave us?
do i even try to fake it?
do i find another lose cause?

can i look you in the eyes anymore?
can you even look in mine?
widespread panic within me
when i feel like you're gone
when you haven't even left yet



Relevant - "Dig" by Incubus (Light Grenades)

We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.

This has been a somber week. So here is something somber.

You strapped on your angels wings and left
I don't know why part of me died
this particular time
You feel farther away than you are
when you are gone
so is the fight in me


[x]when everyone is gone...

i had you in winter
only to be gone in the spring
getting on that plane
maybe you will be lost to the desert
if you make it back
the crutch
the mirror
may not survive the trip


[x]RIP Drew Hayes.

Received from Sirius Entertainment, Inc

"Sirius Entertainment is saddened to report that Drew Hayes, the maverick creator of POISON ELVES, has died in his hometown of Bellingham, Washington. Drew had a heart attack while suffering from pneumonia. He is survived by his daughter, Mary and his mother, Sharon.

Drew had been hospitalized more than once over the last several years, but his return to good health had been anticipated, so the suddenness of his passing was an unexpected shock to those that knew him. Drew was 37 years old.

Drew Hayes entered the comic book field in 1991 by self-publishing his cult-hit series, I, LUSIPHUR. Over the next four years, he published twenty issues (collected in POISON ELVES: THE MULEHIDE YEARS trade paperback), changed the series title to POISON ELVES, and became known as one of the most singular and respected voices in the self-publishing world. In a bold transition, Hayes brought POISON ELVES under the Sirius Entertainment banner, where his creative freedom remained wholly intact. The last completed issue of the on-going series was issue #79, published by Sirius in September of 2004. Hayes’ total output has surpassed 100 issues, many of which are collected in the ten POISON ELVES trade paperbacks."


I don't really know what to say. POISON ELVES was one of my favorite comics, and has been sorely missed these last few years.

I met Drew a few (well more than a few) years ago at one of the local cons. Even though he was a pretty imposing figure, he was a very nice person. We talked to him for over an hour, and he was willing to sign everything.

What I really appreciated most about his work was his ability to translate emotion into his art and story. I can really relate to that.

You will be missed man. :(


[x]the fading inevitable.

my biggest fear
is having my voice lost
in the throes
of your adoration

your ability
to intoxify me into clarity
makes it strange that your desire
is exchanged for my own

this tunnel vision
so narrow a focus
if only you would hang on my every word
as i hang on your every breath

go ahead and deny the spark
because we both saw the fuse lit
seperate in facing
the slow burn of the fading inevitable


[x]this is going to hurt eventually.

Relevant - "Breathe You In" by Thousand Foot Krutch

Sometimes the words just cut themselves out of me... To the point that on the way home I couldn't stop putting these together.

when the quest was over
we sat opposites
and as she talked it saddened me
my words were coming out of her mouth

to really think about it
my neutrality
lets me take her sacrifice in stride

crushing to sit there
not knowing whether it was the ghost or the girl
given a rare second chance
to make amends before the end

something hanging over me in the air
and now it's a coincidence
that when this winter ends
it no longer hurts to breathe


[x]Blown out again

Relevant - "Open Your Eyes" by Snow Patrol

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

This is the third year I have worked the MetroTimes blowout. Same as always I feel a bit hung over still. Not from drinking really, more like social and environmental exposure. It has become my coming-out-of-hibernation yearly event. It was alot of fun.

I will note that I was dreading to see her there, but it turned out to be the most fun I have had in a very long time.

Actually, this last week was great in many ways. I got to see 300 early (sidenote - this is now one of my favorite movies)...

Once again - one liner notes:

1. Do not betray my trust because it was convenient at the time.
2. Boop. Beep.
3. What is the brand of your vagrancy?
4. Didn't get to see the end of Logan's Run.
5. Trying to figure out if it is the ghost or the girl.
6. Blueberry pancakes.


[x]Run and Relevance.

Relevant - "Run" by Snow Patrol

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

I've been listening to this song a ton lately. I think it has gotten up there with "3 libras" by A Perfect Circle as one of my favorite songs. I really like it when it kicks in at the end... Just beautiful.

... Here are few things that some of you might find relevant.

1. I don't play games. Ever.
2. The juice is not worth the squeeze.
3. Overwhelming flaws to the forefront, so much so you might as well not even try to look past them.
4. Pick yourself up, John.
5. What was it? An old soul is not what the doctor ordered. I'm just trying to make up for all the time I spent in a coma.

300 in 5 days. About fucking time.



I guess I wouldn't consider this the 7th annual Single Person Awareness day... I did have a girlfriend at some point :)

Sigh. I guess I am single now. Maybe when I *have* a gf AND this day falls at the same time, I can stop celebrating it.

In other news... There is alot going on, I swear. I'm just lost in the world...

...of warcraft.


[x]David Bradley.

I am an uncle, yet again. It's times like this that really show me a glimpse of what life truly is, because it goes beyond the logic of anything I could ever say or write. Reminding me, that I am blessed to have such miracles occur.

He's so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. I get to hold him, and he looks at me... That awkward stare of unfamiliarity as the papparazzi of relatives snap photos. It just kills me in that moment, to know that I hold in my arms another angel, another saving grace.

Mom's (chelz) fine, Dad's (brad) fine. Good job guys.

I still hate hospitals though... Especially when I have to sit through an American Idol rejects show. Yuck.


[x]Bronto wii:16 says YOU JUST GOT YOUR ASS KICKED.

Now, a wii sports update from the tennis arena!

After dropping 2 5-game sets to the 1900 and 2000 rated (highest possible difficulty) wii computer players last weekend, I have re-established my absolute dominance. Elisa and Sarah are both my bitch. My current rating is 2083, which sometimes goes*DOWN* when I *WIN*. What a bunch of malarky that is.


[x]updates long overdue.

I have updated my poetry, bio, links, and my myspace layout. Probably going to start my calendar for 2007 some time this week, and maybe move my photos over to flikr.


let me get the knives out
so i can confide in you
i was always the sin eater
absolving the wayward
but ever since i found my way
i've been lost



This past week was my first week back to work since vacation. A vacation in which I was completely bored almost the entire time. Imagine being bored for a week straight... Not fun. Especially when you need to be entertained at all times. All I did was sleep and cram my face full of junk food.

I thought I would have something to do, I thought I would just play Zelda all week, but I tired of it almost immediately. No point in playing WoW, even though I did a bit...

Then towards the end of that week I went down sick... which I am just now getting over. Work has slowed down, which is good and bad. It's not cold outside, even though it's January. Been 40 to 50's, which is crazy.

So, here I am. The sudden change in my diet (trying to eat MUCH better) has really affected me. I am trying to drink diet pop, which still has caffeine in it... still I have been a rampant insomniac for the last two weeks... Completely restless, with a soul crushing migraine that won't quit. Sure me staring at this computer screen isn't helping much either. It's winter, and there isn't much to do. Doesn't help that I'm poor, as well. Not really poor, just less rich :)

I don't know what it is. There's just something in the air. I don't know what it is but it's just THERE.

There isn't much coming up, either. I have the WoW expansion coming out a week from Tuesday, which will give me something "Constructive" to do for a few months until spring. The blowout is coming up as well, which by my observations should prove interesting.

I just cannot seem to get my head in the game lately.


[x]Happens all the time.

So yesterday evening I am flipping through the channels (I only really watch TV when a show I watch is on or if I am EXTREMELY bored) and THE LAST SAMURAI is on AMC.

Its about a quarter of the way through the movie, and Tom Cruise is getting his ass kicked in the rain by a badass samurai with a wooden sword. He keeps getting up, trying to show his captors that he too has some semblance of honor, and...


I own the dvd! The AMC transfer was a crappy fullscreen (full frame, whatever) version with a shitty video AND sound transfer. Lame.

So, I put in the dvd and watch the whole movie. Lately I have been watching my dvds on my computer. I have an awesome video card, sound card, and speaker system. I have been using my tv as my monitor for months now, which rocks.

As of this moment I have 358 dvds, yet I'll sit through parts of a movie on HBO or another channel for a good 20 minutes before it sinks in. I OWN THIS DAMN MOVIE.