7.06.2016

[x]Kevlar Sleeves.

in the dark i was and am invincible
left to my own device and vices
she found me not exactly broken or fixed
but in this perpetual state of functional melancholy

every time she cracks the door light pours in
and it's another muse inviting me out of solitary
i can't help myself when it comes to her beauty
my heart has always been a moth when it comes to a flame

yet i can't leave the house anymore
without wearing a bulletproof vest
so here i am rolling up my sleeves again around you
simply so my heart cannot be seen upon them

she never sees the extra decade in my eyes
even though i fault her for having more sand left in her hourglass
even when the combination of her words can disarm me
Pavlov still dictates that i can only reciprocate her priority

every time i see her it's nothing but sadness in the spite of hope
when she's here I'm crushed in the very timing of it all
and every time she disappears
she leaves me just vulnerable enough to be disappointed

5.08.2016

[x]CPR on Ghosts.

spreading my love so thin and far
so little over so many for so long
and leaving nothing for myself
it's no wonder that i don't love anything anymore
it has been so long since i've had someone
that it's no longer about the ones that got away
it's about the ones that are left
and the one that i've pieced together
out of so many loose plot threads that refuse to end
woven together around me somehow adding up to a person
when you're so lonely
you're never too old for an imaginary friend
so i keep rearranging all of the puzzle pieces 
of the good memories
cobbled together like a frankenstein's monster
so part of them can live on
this is me breathing life into it
like performing CPR on a ghost
and screaming don't go 
don't you dare go 
don't leave me
because i need you so much - you're all that i have

4.13.2016

[x]Reign and Throne.

self exiled in this progress of obscurity
i once was found but now i am lost
with recluse abandon
these days i'm struggling to reign in my own heart 

every villain is simply the hero of their own story
and i make no mistake in knowing full well 
that the kingdom of my life
is built upon the throne of my sins

still i'm thankful for all i've been given
but doing better with what i've taken
this empire is everything i could ever want
yet nothing and nowhere just the same

when there's no one left to fight you conquer by default
and i am alone and scared with only dull words and weapons left
wondering what good is a crown is
if there is no one there to see you wear it

1.01.2016

[x] Year in Review 2015

Theme song - "You are Free" by Joseph Arthur (Album - Nuclear Daydream)

 

There were so many ups and downs in the last 365 days of my life.  It ended up being a great year in the second half.

First part of the year was a downer.  I am not going to hash out the specifics here, but I had a falling out in my living situation which rippled throughout the year.  I'll leave it at that.  In the first few months of 2015 I almost bought a house, but it all fell through when I wasn't happy with the inspection results.  I have never pursued home ownership before, I was not prepared financially, nor informed on the process to make a sound decision.  It was a pretty big bummer, but it all worked out for the best.  Everything happens for a reason.

Another downer in the first part of the year was a relationship with one of my ex's.  I still had feelings for her, which made it hard to hang out.  She was planning on moving out of state for the first half of the year, which made it harder and harder on me, to point of a breakdown.  Part of me still wishes she would have left, but we've settled as friends and I am okay with that now.  It's weird sitting across from someone that you used to love, because most of the time when relationships end - the contact with them does as well.

Work was rewarding but really hard in most of 2015, with my commute out to the Sarasota/Manatee area.  It's the better part of 2 hours ONE WAY, and I was making that trip several times a week.  Many nights were spent in hotels away from home, but it came with the job at the time.  It was really hard, and contributed to a instances of me being completely burned out.  It was a situation that couldn't be helped based on our coverage, and now it is so much better.  I now teach in Winter Haven, Lakeland, and Tampa for the most part, which are all 45-60 minutes away.

Needless to say, the first part of the year was a complete wash.  I was a mess.

At about the midpoint of the year, my perception about my job had changed.  When I first started as a Trainer for the MFRMLS in February 2013, I carried around a lot of arrogance.  I wanted to be the best trainer on the team and it was all about ME.  After a while I lost interest in that, and received much more fulfillment being part of a TEAM.  In a short span we lost about half the training team, and had to replace them.  I really liked stepping in to make sure the new team members had everything they needed, and tried to help them as much as I could.  I get so much more satisfaction from the TEAM doing well than any personal recognition.  I am nothing without them.  Maybe this is me growing up a bit, but there is things in my career that are bigger than myself.  Nowadays they are like my second family.

I absolutely love my job, my team, and my company.  It has changed my life so much and I will forever continue to be thankful for the opportunities it provides.

The second half is where things really started to get interesting...

Socially I've mostly been on my own this year, which I am okay with because it forced me to get out of the house.  I also cut loose a lot of the anchors in my life.  I used to keep people around just for the sake of having some sort of connection.  I started deleting phone numbers, unfriending people, etc.  I went back to my old motto - "If someone isn't adding something to your life, they are just subtracting" which has served me well.

In late summer, my friend Courtney and I decided to start HauntScene.  We were both huge fans of Halloween Horror Nights (We met at the 2013 version).    After a lengthy period of picking the name (That was the hardest part) - we got the website and social media up and running.  The live portion was called HauntScene Radio, which ended up running throughout the season for 10 episodes.  We had some audio issues in the first episode, but after that it went pretty smoothly.  It was stressful at times, but we ended up doing pretty much every haunt in central Florida.  We met all kinds of great people from the various haunts.  Eric, Robbi, Dan, Mike, etc.  - all awesome people.


It was a learning process, but every week seemed better than the last.  I designed the layout and graphics, and produced the show live.  All of our episodes can be found on our youtube channel.  Considering that we started from nothing, I would consider the show a success.  The scope of the show was WAY beyond anything I had been involved with previously.  We have a decent amount of fans/followers/likes and I am hoping that we can continue for season 2 in the fall of 2016.  

The haunts season was amazing in September/October.  Halloween Horror Nights 25 was EPIC.  I went every single night that I could go on my pass and the employee preview.  So that was 25 nights I spent at universal, and we also went out on 5 nights to do other various haunts.  So in a span of 45 days, I was out 30 of them.  We met all kinds of people and had a lot of fun.

Soon after we wrapped up with the infamous "Drunk Edition" season finale, it took a week or two to get back into the normal operating schedule of my life.

In the last part of the year I took a quick trip home to Michigan the week after my birthday, which is also the week before Thanksgiving.  It was really nice to see my family.

It was right around this time that I starting hanging out with Ana.



She works at one of the associations that I teach at.  I have no idea at this point if anything in going to come of it, but we've been hanging out for the last few months.  Early on I realized how much of a downer I was (I guess you never seen how hopeless you carry yourself until you are bouncing it off of another person).  She made me want to be a better person.  Hell, it was a victory for me to WANT TO want to be a better person.  She deserves better than who I've been.  So I've been so much better.  SO MUCH BETTER, and I am thankful to her for being that catalyst for that.

She's so beautiful, and has me smitten in a way that I no longer thought was possible.  She has put color back into my life.  Ana has made me start to focus on the positive.  I say this, but I have mitigated expectations as far as the prospect of a relationship.  Especially with the last few days, I have no idea where any of it is headed, but I value her friendship.  If she just came into my life just to snap me out of cruise control, I will still be forever thankful.  I miss you, Ana.

I've always been at my best when I have a beautiful woman to inspire me (Or destroy me).

I have spent so long just existing in the past 5-6 years, not really living.  I feel alive.

In early December, I started shopping for a house again (My lease is up in March 2016).  Sean Ferguson (My awesome realtor) found one in Davenport that is going to save me an hour on my commute a day, is centrally located, and most importantly - that I can afford.  I am really excited about this and I will hopefully be closing on February 3rd, and moving out of this place soon after.  I am much better prepared both financially and intellectually this time around, and so far everything is looking good.  Loan is approved, inspection was good, I have settled on the insurance.  Now I am just waiting for a few things to wrap this up.  I am really looking forward to moving and being beholden to no one.



Notes -

RIP - Scott Weiland died on December 3rd, which kind of hit me really hard.


The reason I bring this up is that he was my favorite frontman/singer.  Thankfully I got to see him live with Stone Temple Pilots, then later on Velvet Revolver, and finally with his own band in the last year or so.  Fun fact - the only time I have ever sang karaoke live was doing "Sour Girl" by STP.

From what I've read it doesn't seem like he was necessarily a good person or father, but creatively he will always be one of my favorites.  We all have our demons and I can relate to him channeling some of that creatively.  I hope he finds some peace in wherever he is now.

Resolutions for 2016 

#1 - Lose Weight.  Not having the desire to cook at all in the apartment and being on the go so much took its toll.  That will change when I am in my own place.  I want to start eating better and taking better care of myself.  I think Courtney being around will help, she has done a great job with it.

#2 - Be Positive - I have really made a conscious effort to improve my outlook, and it has affected me greatly in the last few months.  I've recently gotten a promotion, and I want good things to continue.

#3 -  Take the next step - 2015 ended up being a year of preparation.  I saved some money, I changed my perceptions on life.  I am hoping to build on the end of this year going into next.  I'm ready to move on.  I've been ready to move on for years.

#4 - Do something creatively.  I only wrote ONE thing in all of 2015.  Maybe I've lost the ability to write, or I just haven't been inspired.  Maybe creatively I just changed gears from doom and gloom poetry to something else.  I'm not used to drawing on anything but strife. 

I would love to get involved in another show of some sort talking movies and shows, because I truly do miss it.  I guess we'll see what the future brings.

In closing - really all I want at this point is for things to just settle down.  Maybe I am getting older, but stability is key - and maybe some peace and quiet.  Here's to an amazing 2016.

5.12.2015

[x] Farewell Parade

the middle of the alphabet part 4 - Farewell Parade

you cannot help the one you love
even if you know they aren't the right person for you
still I've tried to manipulate her Rubik's cube of a heart
with every shade of red that is in me
only to realize that color is missing from her spectrum
so how can i resent her or expect her to see the difference 
between looking at fire 
and knowing what it is to burn?

so if and when she goes 

her belief in me will go with her
no longer will i see what little grace i have left
reflecting in her eyes when she looks at me
she doesn't know how much it hurts
to have someone look past you for so long
with no idea of the happiness i find in her
when she is so intent on finding it somewhere else

I love the bliss in her obliviousness

but hate that it includes me as well
so when i put it all together 
it tears me apart
torn between loving her enough to want her to leave
and fighting a war to get her to stay
yet existing only in the middle of this farewell parade
knowing every time she leaves - she is a little closer to being gone.

12.30.2014

[x] Year in Review 2014

Note - I've been working on this for several days prior to the last day of the year, so I apologize for any jumps in theme or tone...

YIR theme song "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant

   
Life's to short to even care at all... 



As I type some of this I am in Michigan currently.  After 7 years here in Florida I can finally confirm it - this isn't my home anymore. This place is a cemetery and my family/friends are the caretakers. There is nothing for me here besides them.  In my wandering this year it occurred to me that I always end up driving by the the same places, every time I go to Michigan.  The house/city that I grew up in, where I almost proposed to someone, where I went to school, etc.  I visit these places almost subconsciously like graves.

Regret is something I have thought a lot about a lot leading up to the end of this year, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't carry much anymore.  It used to make up a big part of who I was.

It's human nature to carry regret, and I am as flawed as anyone else (Maybe even more so).  True regret means you are willing to sacrifice everything you have to go back and take another shot.  I am no longer willing to do so.  I know now everything up to this point has played out the way it was always meant to.  Do I wish a few things would be different?  Sure.  I wouldn't trade my life for any other version of me.  Being here in Michigan - there are about 2-3 moments in my life that could have changed everything.  Not asking her to marry me, deciding to move to FL, and sticking with that decision.

THE FEELS - I did pretty well this year emotionally, until I had a setback.  With Robin Williams passing there was more of a focus on what depression can do to people.  It still escapes me how someone so beloved took his own life.  I know what it is like to have crippling depression, and it is something I deal with every single day.  Some days are better than others, and if it's something you are lucky to not have in you will never understand.  With Robin Williams - with all the laughter, joy, and love that he brought to this world - my heart goes out to a man who was so backed into a corner emotionally that he couldn't go on.  It's been bad for me, but never that bad.  It's a shame and the world is a colder and darker place without him.  I really truly hope you find peace in whatever comes after this world.



I have never before cried at a lost celebrity (and I'm not crying now, I swear), but his loss absolutely ruined me for a few weeks.  It's very sad.  I mean, how can there be any hope for the rest of us if ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS couldn't go on?

THE WOMEN/THE WORDS - Earlier in the year I made a decision to give anything I write to the person it was for.  I wrote a series of poems "The middle of the alphabet" and a few others.  The poems really turned out to be some of my favorites.  One of the poems cost me a friend, but I think there were underlying issues anyway.  I don't expect everyone to understand the role of the muses in my life.  I don't have to be pursuing someone for them to inspire me.  Some people flatter themselves and make blanket assumptions, but they are neither in my head nor my heart.

My writing ledger is clear now.  I even went back and finished a few poems because I wanted certain people to have their poems.  They deserved them.

I haven't dated anyone seriously in a few years now.  That should bother me but it doesn't.  I guess I got by on pulling different aspects from the various women in my life.  Beauty, intelligence, benevolence, etc.  When you put it all together the sum was greater than the individual parts.  I know it's pathetic, but it was had to suffice.  My focus was mainly on my job this year.

Over the last year or so many of the women in my life have gotten engaged/married, entered into relationships, had children, or simply moved on/away from my life.  I am happy for them.  Most of these connections I have simply let go.  Well, more like stopped holding on to.

There are some still around - The crush, the impossible girl, and the exercise in restraint.

MVP of the year - Terry Barnett.  Thank you for everything that you have done for me this year.  I think Terry is one of the few people that really "Get" me.  He understands that I cannot help my Ego or OCD, and is there when I need to vent about work.  He has helped me get through a lot work-wise this last year, and has facilitated growth within my person and company.

THIS YEAR/LAST YEAR - I'm not going to do the typical last year review and resolutions.  I just want to try and be a better person, take better care of myself (Lose some weight) - and try to find a way out of this loneliness.  I've started to build a foundation for my life by myself, because I am not sure that I am ever going to find someone.

I need to fix some things about me.  My skin is not my own.

11.22.2014

[x] Pursue


for just a moment in time she was mine
at least, she was my muse to end all muses
i wouldn't have minded getting lost in her abyss
until life forced me to unwillingly escape
she is everything that i've ever wanted in a girl
but was a afraid to ask for
she was warm when i was cold
and fully aware of her own dark secret
she should have anyone or anything that she wants
life's empires could rise and fall in her wake and whims
with nothing more than a smile
and the dangerous vulnerability in her eyes
like some deadly exotic flower
only to be truly appreciated from afar
always to look but never to touch
i loved her more for her thorns than her petals
yet i knew the single most attractive thing about her
is that she would have been the absolute ruin of me
one of the most beautiful girls in the world 
who will always be pursued - but never really caught

11.01.2014

[x]Stowaway.


she's so much more beautiful
before doing herself up for her fan club
the only thing making me special in these mornings
is the privilege of letting time get lost in those eyes
she makes me remember what it's like to be young
while reminding me that I am not 
and somehow when I am with her
that isn't the same thing
from a distance it appears I'm just keeping her at an arms' length
but look a little closer
to see the knives at each other's throats
this being the volatility that keeps us both safe
my little miss macabre
stowed away on a ship that was never meant to sail
if only you could see what i see without feeling what i feel
and know that i fight you simply because i will not surrender to you
when what have you done for me lately
may very well be her currency
the only thing i have to offer
is the refusal to get caught in her web

7.10.2014

[x] Terms

The middle of the alphabet part 3 - Terms

we were fated to say hello
and even from the beginning  - 
i've always known more than i've let on
because there was simply something about this girl
one thing we had in common
was our fear that maybe, just maybe
we had been out of the world too long
and parts of us had atrophied
i wish i could've given up part of myself to help you
but i can't fix anything in you with the broken parts of me
i just tried to be the friend you wanted me to be
while never apologizing for my attraction
the few times her reservations fell
she would all of a sudden be so alive like a phoenix
and being enthralled as i was
i suppose it was inevitable that i was to get burned
i never fell in love with her
yet loved the way she loved things
the rare passion and fire in her
the few times she would let herself feel alive with me
that night i could have listened to her sing forever
just listening to her voice, lost in her descriptions
in that moment she was the most beautiful girl in the world
and i was the most doomed man on the planet
so i kissed her because it needed to happen
because she had it coming
and in that smallest perfection
even when she kissed me back i was never led astray
this kiss was the one and only thing i ever took for myself
in our short and entire history
and what to me was a ripple, was to her a wave
bringing us to this impasse
i'm not going to apologize for getting caught up in the moment
and whatever has changed with you - i've held my course
all of this was meant to happen 
even when we are now fated so say goodbye

5.24.2014

[x]A haiku for "What's her name?".

just an open door
never to be seen again
her smile made my day