[x] Farewell Parade

the middle of the alphabet part 4 - Farewell Parade

you cannot help the one you love
even if you know they aren't the right person for you
still I've tried to manipulate her Rubik's cube of a heart
with every shade of red that is in me
only to realize that color is missing from her spectrum
so how can i resent her or expect her to see the difference 
between looking at fire 
and knowing what it is to burn?

so if and when she goes 

her belief in me will go with her
no longer will i see what little grace i have left
reflecting in her eyes when she looks at me
she doesn't know how much it hurts
to have someone look past you for so long
with no idea of the happiness i find in her
when she is so intent on finding it somewhere else

I love the bliss in her obliviousness

but hate that it includes me as well
so when i put it all together 
it tears me apart
torn between loving her enough to want her to leave
and fighting a war to get her to stay
yet existing only in the middle of this farewell parade
knowing every time she leaves - she is a little closer to being gone.


[x] Year in Review 2014

Note - I've been working on this for several days prior to the last day of the year, so I apologize for any jumps in theme or tone...

YIR theme song "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant

Life's to short to even care at all... 

As I type some of this I am in Michigan currently.  After 7 years here in Florida I can finally confirm it - this isn't my home anymore. This place is a cemetery and my family/friends are the caretakers. There is nothing for me here besides them.  In my wandering this year it occurred to me that I always end up driving by the the same places, every time I go to Michigan.  The house/city that I grew up in, where I almost proposed to someone, where I went to school, etc.  I visit these places almost subconsciously like graves.

Regret is something I have thought a lot about a lot leading up to the end of this year, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't carry much anymore.  It used to make up a big part of who I was.

It's human nature to carry regret, and I am as flawed as anyone else (Maybe even more so).  True regret means you are willing to sacrifice everything you have to go back and take another shot.  I am no longer willing to do so.  I know now everything up to this point has played out the way it was always meant to.  Do I wish a few things would be different?  Sure.  I wouldn't trade my life for any other version of me.  Being here in Michigan - there are about 2-3 moments in my life that could have changed everything.  Not asking her to marry me, deciding to move to FL, and sticking with that decision.

THE FEELS - I did pretty well this year emotionally, until I had a setback.  With Robin Williams passing there was more of a focus on what depression can do to people.  It still escapes me how someone so beloved took his own life.  I know what it is like to have crippling depression, and it is something I deal with every single day.  Some days are better than others, and if it's something you are lucky to not have in you will never understand.  With Robin Williams - with all the laughter, joy, and love that he brought to this world - my heart goes out to a man who was so backed into a corner emotionally that he couldn't go on.  It's been bad for me, but never that bad.  It's a shame and the world is a colder and darker place without him.  I really truly hope you find peace in whatever comes after this world.

I have never before cried at a lost celebrity (and I'm not crying now, I swear), but his loss absolutely ruined me for a few weeks.  It's very sad.  I mean, how can there be any hope for the rest of us if ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS couldn't go on?

THE WOMEN/THE WORDS - Earlier in the year I made a decision to give anything I write to the person it was for.  I wrote a series of poems "The middle of the alphabet" and a few others.  The poems really turned out to be some of my favorites.  One of the poems cost me a friend, but I think there were underlying issues anyway.  I don't expect everyone to understand the role of the muses in my life.  I don't have to be pursuing someone for them to inspire me.  Some people flatter themselves and make blanket assumptions, but they are neither in my head nor my heart.

My writing ledger is clear now.  I even went back and finished a few poems because I wanted certain people to have their poems.  They deserved them.

I haven't dated anyone seriously in a few years now.  That should bother me but it doesn't.  I guess I got by on pulling different aspects from the various women in my life.  Beauty, intelligence, benevolence, etc.  When you put it all together the sum was greater than the individual parts.  I know it's pathetic, but it was had to suffice.  My focus was mainly on my job this year.

Over the last year or so many of the women in my life have gotten engaged/married, entered into relationships, had children, or simply moved on/away from my life.  I am happy for them.  Most of these connections I have simply let go.  Well, more like stopped holding on to.

There are some still around - The crush, the impossible girl, and the exercise in restraint.

MVP of the year - Terry Barnett.  Thank you for everything that you have done for me this year.  I think Terry is one of the few people that really "Get" me.  He understands that I cannot help my Ego or OCD, and is there when I need to vent about work.  He has helped me get through a lot work-wise this last year, and has facilitated growth within my person and company.

THIS YEAR/LAST YEAR - I'm not going to do the typical last year review and resolutions.  I just want to try and be a better person, take better care of myself (Lose some weight) - and try to find a way out of this loneliness.  I've started to build a foundation for my life by myself, because I am not sure that I am ever going to find someone.

I need to fix some things about me.  My skin is not my own.


[x] Pursue

for just a moment in time she was mine
at least, she was my muse to end all muses
i wouldn't have minded getting lost in her abyss
until life forced me to unwillingly escape
she is everything that i've ever wanted in a girl
but was a afraid to ask for
she was warm when i was cold
and fully aware of her own dark secret
she should have anyone or anything that she wants
life's empires could rise and fall in her wake and whims
with nothing more than a smile
and the dangerous vulnerability in her eyes
like some deadly exotic flower
only to be truly appreciated from afar
always to look but never to touch
i loved her more for her thorns than her petals
yet i knew the single most attractive thing about her
is that she would have been the absolute ruin of me
one of the most beautiful girls in the world 
who will always be pursued - but never really caught



she's so much more beautiful
before doing herself up for her fan club
the only thing making me special in these mornings
is the privilege of letting time get lost in those eyes
she makes me remember what it's like to be young
while reminding me that I am not 
and somehow when I am with her
that isn't the same thing
from a distance it appears I'm just keeping her at an arms' length
but look a little closer
to see the knives at each other's throats
this being the volatility that keeps us both safe
my little miss macabre
stowed away on a ship that was never meant to sail
if only you could see what i see without feeling what i feel
and know that i fight you simply because i will not surrender to you
when what have you done for me lately
may very well be her currency
the only thing i have to offer
is the refusal to get caught in her web


[x] Terms

The middle of the alphabet part 3 - Terms

we were fated to say hello
and even from the beginning  - 
i've always known more than i've let on
because there was simply something about this girl
one thing we had in common
was our fear that maybe, just maybe
we had been out of the world too long
and parts of us had atrophied
i wish i could've given up part of myself to help you
but i can't fix anything in you with the broken parts of me
i just tried to be the friend you wanted me to be
while never apologizing for my attraction
the few times her reservations fell
she would all of a sudden be so alive like a phoenix
and being enthralled as i was
i suppose it was inevitable that i was to get burned
i never fell in love with her
yet loved the way she loved things
the rare passion and fire in her
the few times she would let herself feel alive with me
that night i could have listened to her sing forever
just listening to her voice, lost in her descriptions
in that moment she was the most beautiful girl in the world
and i was the most doomed man on the planet
so i kissed her because it needed to happen
because she had it coming
and in that smallest perfection
even when she kissed me back i was never led astray
this kiss was the one and only thing i ever took for myself
in our short and entire history
and what to me was a ripple, was to her a wave
bringing us to this impasse
i'm not going to apologize for getting caught up in the moment
and whatever has changed with you - i've held my course
all of this was meant to happen 
even when we are now fated so say goodbye


[x]A haiku for "What's her name?".

just an open door
never to be seen again
her smile made my day


[x] The Girl In Front

the middle of the alphabet part 2 - The Girl In Front

There have been so many clues in my words
so much all over my years in the sunshine
that i would half expect to find her fingerprints on my pen
and half expect that she has no suspicion at all
I saw her before we had even met
and when her story preceded her it crushed me
I've always seen the strength in both clumsiness and grace
even since our first exchange
I like to think there was something in the timing of my arrival
when my favorite special person
who i have never so much as kissed
could still make the Mt. Rushmore of my affections
if i ever end up with someone half has good
i would consider myself truly favored
always my default love
simply because she is most deserving of it
The best version of me
still wouldn't be remotely good enough for her
and even if I somehow reached that pinnacle
i know she'd be long gone by the time i'd get there
yet when I make excuses to see her
she makes me want to be a better person
for her and for myself
because in her eyes the world deserves the best of us
when benevolence magnifies my own malcontent
it may just be the attraction of our opposite demeanor
like the moon against the sun
yet with no hope to ever eclipse her
When i'm with her she's the only girl who matters
drowning out all of the other static
and every time i leave i'm full of words
just none of which i can bring myself to say
I will never be able to escape the shadow of her scars
as hard as that is to accept it still doesn't stop me
from wishing to turn that permanent shroud into a veil
because i would never leave her if given half a chance
These words are not expected to change anything
She just deserves to know for once
that when she looks me in the eyes
I don't think she's ever seen me at all


[x] Passion Aggression

the middle of the alphabet part 1 - passion aggression

i've said that we're okay until we aren't
and today i am no longer content
when you are merciless in your compassion
then i all i can do is appear ruthless in my indifference
with anyone else i could keep up this facade
you're the only one who sees my mask slip
feeling my resentment for not allowing me to hide from you
and forcing the vulnerability out of me
it's truly a shame that you had to meet me after the fall
when i couldn't even bother looking up from rock bottom
my sullied hands still clawing at the dirt
seeing if i could dig myself in any further
i was so preoccupied with my destruction
that i never allowed us to create anything
and for that i know you may have forgiven me
even if i can never bring myself to
because you've always deserved better than who i've been
so much so that i wish we'd never met until now
you came into my life when i was at my weakest, my darkest
and i was thankless when you still tried to see my grace
i cannot fix the side effects of pain
between the breakups, the madness, and the sadness of it all
the one thing i truly regret that i cannot go back
and redeem who i used to be for our sake
it's plain to see that we love each other slightly less
than we've convinced ourselves it won't work
we've never quite have been able to vocalize it
these and those words seem like such an empty gestures
maybe i'm completely and utterly wrong
but i know i shoulder all of the blame
when i am with you, i just want to be the man reflecting in your eyes
i just want you to finally see
that when you go to leave i'd wish you'd just stay
and when you are gone
i still know you would never hurt me
yet you leave me destroyed just the same


[x]Year In Review 2013.

Nine Inch Nails - "Find My Way" (Album - Hesitation Marks)

Ghosts of who we used to be, I can feel them come for me...

I have been in Florida for 6 years now.  This was another upswing year, with huge improvements on my home and professional life.  For the first time in my adult life I now look forward instead of looking back.  My life isn't about would could have been anymore, it's about would could be.  That is a welcome change.

A few years ago (2009-2010) to be exact, I was pretty broken.  Several bad relationships in a row had derailed me.  I was simply existing, going through the motions, or drifting.  Whatever you want to call it.  Right around fall 2010, I simply said "No more".  I grabbed life by the throat and squeezed as hard as I could.  I manifested my own destiny.  

There will never be another Allison, and there will never be another Alyssa.  I will never let anyone hurt me like that again.  I will never hurt myself like that again.  I am better and stronger than who I used to be, and above all - I have ridiculous standards now as a fail-safe.  Unlike a lot of people around my age, I'm not going to settle for the mundane.  I would rather be 40 and alone than in some half-ass relationship.  

Leading up to my birthday this year (Turning 35) a huge wave of depression hit me square in the heart.  Everything felt really bleak all of a sudden.  It didn't help that HHN had just ended, either.  I was tip-toeing the abyss of bitterness that most my age fall into, when their lives do not turn out exactly as they had hoped.  I almost fell in.  This was something I have feared my entire life.  I expressed this in a phone call to my buddy Joe, who wouldn't hear any of it.  "Man, your stock is rising" to paraphrase - and he was right.  Not many (single) people get to my age without bitterness, crushed dreams, STD's, shitty credit, huge debt, no money, no career, errant children, etc.  I have none of that.  I somehow have most of my life together.  

Though I am nowhere near perfect.

What I realize as this year ends is that my stranglehold on my life may be so tight that small aspects are starting to slip through my fingers.  As my focus has shifted solely to my job, I have let my health slip a bit.  I have put on some weight.  That needs to be fixed.  I also let too many things simply "Ride" - like Cody for example.  Scared me to death when I was 1200 miles away in Michigan and he had to be taken to the pet hospital with stomach problems.  It was probably something that could have been avoided with regular checkups.  If I want to keep the things that I love, I need to better maintain them.  It won't happen again.

Categorically - here are the major talking points of my life in the last 12 months:

THE JOB - I feel like a rock star at MFRMLS.  After interviewing for the position (and crushing it) - I was promoted to Trainer in early 2013.  

February 22nd was my first official day, and I was out training by myself within a month.  I adore my company, my team, and my job.  I love teaching, and I bring a different approach than the other trainers.  I get to bring my own style to what I do.  Watching people learn is addicting.  I have done extremely well for myself, and I am now in a position (with many others) to shape the future of my company.

I also fear for my job.  Not really in a negative way, I just have a healthy fear that keeps me from being lazy, and pushes me daily (sometimes too hard).  I stress about my job because I simply don't want to lose it, and more so because I don't want to let anyone down.  There are many perks that I get, Company Car, Credit Card, etc.  I love it.  It has created a huge change in me.

HOME - I lived in the North Orlando area near the MFRMLS office for most of the year, and decided to get an apartment with Mike in the early fall.  We moved in on September 13th.  With my work consisting of driving all over central Florida, it became really hard to have to deal with downtown Orlando traffic almost every day during rush hour.  I am a bit more centrally located now, on I-drive between Downtown Disney and Sea World.  We live at Cumberland Park.  There are a lot of amenities here, such a gym and movie theater, which I haven't had the chance to utilize yet.  The gym has been being remodeled for the last few months, and the theater just opened.  I am going to have an organized movie night soon.  I love it here.  Cody really seems to be happier here.  Did I mention the hot tub and pool right outside my door?

THE WOMEN - I have become steadily more and more ruthless dating these days.  I'm not exactly young anymore.  If I meet someone (I do meet the occasional girl online) and they don't bring something special to the table immediately - what's the point?  It's not that every single person I meet has to be some long term solution (Marriage) but I'm done with the games.  You don't know what you want?  Cya.  Lurking Ex?  Bye.  No real prospects?  Peace.  There were several dates that I straight up walked out on this year.  Once the little voice in my head asks me why am I wasting my time - it's over.

My mantra is - "If someone isn't adding something to your life, then they are just subtracting."  

This is the life that I have built for myself.  If someone wants to jump on the Johnny Bronto bandwagon and be a team player, so be it.  I'm not carrying anyone anymore.  Several of my more recent relationships have been about being the sum of the parts, not more mind you - just trying to even each other out.  I want more than that.  

There is only one girl in my life right now that I can picture myself with.  She is absolutely amazing, beautiful, smart, inspiring, optimistic, and probably has no idea how I feel about her.  She's one of my favorite people, ever.  She makes me feel dumb when I talk to her.  She has a measure of grace that I have never seen in anyone before.

I know if I don't say something in the near future she will be gone.  The thing is, I don't like who I see in the mirror these days, and she deserves better than who I am currently.  Right now I am some dark thing...  and I want to be amazing and love myself again.  Once that happens - I might be able to find happiness.  I think I would be good for her, and she would be even better for me.  She brings out the only romantic in me that I have left.  

Though, maybe she will only ever see me as a friend.  Maybe we are horribly incompatible.  Who knows.  For now it's just a nice thought.  Realistically I may just be in the friend zone forever (AKA the lowest level of hell) because I refuse to risk it.  This may very well just be denial.  I'm not retreating, just advancing in another direction.

Maybe you are reading this right now and can put two and two together...

It's funny the way life works.  Michelle came back into my life for a few months last summer, and the same exact thing happened the last time she came back.  Deja-vu, all over again.  I care about her as more than a friend, yet I realize that it would never work.  That is a weird place to be with someone.  I want her to be happy, but I don't want to be that lurking ex.  We both deserve better.

I ran into Alyssa a few weeks back at complete random (She works at a Best Buy that I used to work at) who big surprise is working on her second divorce.  Go figure - Womp womp.  After a short exchange, I realized that she is either the exact same person or has regressed, where I have evolved.  Her simple skill set doesn't really do much for me where I am.  I suppose some things come standard.

There have been a few blips on the radar this year.  The stowaway will probably get me into trouble, but she's fun for now.  Hopefully if I continue to date I will get a little more patient.  I'm in a really lonely place in my life right now, yet some people are going to find themselves phased out this year.  I have been keeping too many plot threads open, spreading myself too thin.

Loving a little bit of a lot of women doesn't really add up to much, so it's going to stop.  Too much of me is too tied up in things that are never going to happen. 

Some people are going to be phased out of my life in 2014.

I'm extremely guarded these days.  It would take someone extremely special to get through all of this armor, but it's something I need right now.  I sincerely hope that some soon reaches into this shadow and finds my heart, because I know it's in there - it's just atrophied from lack of use.  I've gotten too good at hiding.  

THE SHOW - If you haven't heard (You should have) - we started a weekly webcast called the Hump and Bronto show.  www.thehumpandbrontoshow.com - We discuss movies/shows/geek life in general.  The website is a few months behind, but our old shows can be found 24/7 on youtube.  We had been talking about it for years, and finally got around to starting about 6 months ago.  Looking forward to getting the show going again, hopefully with some better organization/formatting/technology in 2014.  We have a LOT of fun with the show, and our guest stars Tara, Tarl, and sometimes Johanna.  Please tune in.

Thank you's 2013.

My mom and family - Thank you for allowing me to find myself.
Mike - Thanks for all of the help and backing me up.
Noel - Thank you for suggesting Dragon-Con I had a good time.
My Friends - Thank you for being there when I need you, and putting up with me.
MFRMLS/My Team - Without the company my life wouldn't be possible.  Someone could offer me twice as much money and I wouldn't leave.
HHN - Even though you sometimes feel like a part time job, you give me about a month and a half of distraction every single year.  

So how did I do on my last year's resolutions?  Pretty good.

1.  Kick even more ass at my job. I was promoted to a Trainer in February and have been kicking ass ever since.  I even framed the email that went out:

2.  Try get a little more discipline and get myself healthier.  Cut down on soda, etc.  Well I did cut soda out of my life in early 2013, will be trying to switch to 99% water in 2014.
3.  Try to write more - if it's movie reviews or poems, get some more words out there.  I did write some in this last year, not as much as I would like.  We did finally start the show, so I have had a good amount of creative outlet over the last 6 months.
4.  Find someone so I don't have to spend the next New Year's Eve alone.  Well, not JUST for that reason.  I wasn't very successful at dating in 2013.  I guess this remains to be seen about NYE.
5.  Get some breathing room financially.  My job has helped me get ahead of the financial curve, and I have been able to save for the first time in years.
6.  Do HHN right this year, maybe even HOS.  I went to Halloween Horror Nights 22 times this year (You read that right) with express.  I ended up the #1 person in my faction (I was the Strengoit King) for the Legendary Truth game.  Met Mike Aeillo, the creative director for Halloween Horror Nights.

I was also able to go out alone to Tampa and enjoy Howl-O-Scream for the first time ever.  Great year for haunts all around, and I had a lot of fun and met a bunch of new people.


1.  Be even more of a Rock Star at my job.
2.  Lose some weight and start taking better care of myself.
3.  Get my book out.
4.  Try to get a bit more organized with the show, movie nights, etc.
5.  I would like to meet someone, but I am resigned to focus on myself this year.  Would be nice to finally spend a New Year's Eve with someone.
6.  Have another great year at Halloween Horror Nights 24.  9 and a half months away!  :)

2014 - Finding my grace and gravity.


[x] The Dirge and Dorian Gray

there is no depth to my love
and it scares me to death
becuase in it's absence that very same endlessness
just becomes a void
when left to my own devices
that abyss has to be filled with something
so i tried my hand at villainy
only to have it consume me from the inside out
sometimes i am not even sure
that i am the hero of my own story anymore
small conquests to get me through the day
today i just want to be evil spelled backwards
in the romantic myth of myself
i have suffered sirens, slain dragons
and distressed many a damsel
yet the measure of me is how tall their tales have become
their only power over me i know now was simply my own weakness
the truth of it is i let the drown me in that abyss
and was too broken to do nothing more than drift away
into the nothingness that was left
thought i love nothing more than to be smitten
i'm not exactly sure it's possible anymore
and that makes me very sad
like lamenting something i'll never have again
let's just hope, for the sake of this story
that someone proves me wrong
because if i ever stop believing
then i have no power indeed
in this long absence of fire
there is only darkness to light the way
and i fear forever being lost
when i was never meant to be left alone
what i'm trying to say is that i worry about my soul
i've never been a humble singer of songs - 
but when it comes time for my very own dirge and wake
if someone could ever paint me like dorian gray
i wonder what my portrait would look like