[x]...the more they stay the same.

This has been a weird month. Hard to put it into words really. It feels like that special effect in cinema where someone moves in real-time, while a crowd speeds past in fast forward. That is the best description that I can come up with. I watch life and everyone around me as they go about their lives, like some sort of human ant farm. I like to think that I can see most of every one's intricate inner workings, and the contrast of their relationships to one another. I like to think I see people in a light that most do not.

My intuition rarely fails me, if ever.

It's my ability to be fairly objective about myself that has been my saving grace. I probably spend as much time looking in as I do looking out.

I tend to draw like-minded souls to me, as do most people. However, I have discovered there is an additional filter to those I keep close to me. Emotional capacity and compatibility. None of the people who I could consider my close friends are selfish, and most are fairly compassionate. We do what we can to get by, and we try to take care of each other... or at least offer to. We may differ in our respective views, but we agree to disagree, and do not let it affect us. I have VASTLY different social, political, philosophical, and religious views (which I keep to myself for now).

There is a counter-balance to this though. I am drawn to certain archetypes of women as well, and though 1200 miles from Michigan, I find myself in some disappointingly familiar situations, even here in Florida. Which is a feat in itself, being that I haven't even been here a year yet.

Impossible muse? Check.

Crush on the girl with the boyfriend? Check.

Wasting my affections on a waste of time? Check.

Why does this happen to me? I think there are certain shortcomings in my soul. Holes that need to be filled in my heart. I will always find a muse because I need that spiritually and artistically. I will always have the crush because I will always want most what I cannot have. I catch myself wasting my affections on those undeserving as well... which I usually chalk up to being a proximity thing. Not sure why I even bother. I think I am better than that.

I can help having the wasted affection and the crush, but I will never be able to help having a muse. I always seem to find some amazing girl around, where I see an amazing beauty inside and out that no one quite pays attention to. I knew it immediately when I met her.



For anyone interested - I will be back in Michigan from early Sunday, December 7th, until late on Tuesday, December 9th. This will be the only opportunity that I will have to see friends and family for the holidays this year.

I plan on having a small get-together at B.BOOMER's in Allen Park on Monday night. Call me for details.



Relevant - "The Torch Song" by Shady Bard (From the ground up)

Save me.

In 15 minutes it will be November 17th, and my 30th birthday. I will officially be out of my twenties, and officially my "Youth" will be over. Relatively speaking, of course. I spent about half of the last decade hiding, then the other half trying to make up for a life that I was never meant to lead... I guess it makes sense the older I get, having more to reflect on.

I don't feel 30.

Last night I had my party, which I think was a success (2/2). I made about 5 loaves of bread's worth of my world famous grilled cheese, which went over extremely well. Only one near-miss incident for the record, and everyone got home safe. I call that a win.

Thanks go out to Noel, because I couldn't have done it without him.

It's funny how you can feel the most lonely when you are surrounded by people. Pretty much ALL of my friends down here were there. It was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves.

This was a victory, but it still feels hollow when you have no one to share it with. When I watched the last person leave, and I was the last person standing, I was really lonely. I suppose the timing of the whole thing, or even the person set it off... When I shut the door it just hit me. I miss that connection of loving someone.

I'm more in control of my emotions now than I have ever been. But I am still drawn to people. Even when I do my best to hide it, and I can feel it just under the surface... I know they could see it in my eyes if they chose to look. Which scares me.

She says I thought we were all past this
I tell myself no
I say no
I just feel more guilty
And once again, I watch her leave

Redemption to detail
I will rise
when I figure out
how to forgive myself
for what I haven't done



Relevant - "Same Mistake" by James Blunt (All the lost souls)

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make, the same mistake, again

I need to write this, to spell it all out. I need to see it in front of me for it all to make sense. Writing has always been how I cope, because I have nothing else. I always give you 100% when I commit something here. I don't know how to do it halfway.

This past week or so I have been ravaged (and I use that term lightly) by the Flu. My lungs feel like they are lined with lead from all of the coughing. I am having trouble talking on the phone, even though it's my job. The worst has past, I believe, but I still have a few days of working this out of my system.

Lately, I have been feeling really isolated. Obviously I don't want to expose my friends down here to what I have (even though I probably got it from them) but there is just something more. After this whole mess with Jessica I really turned myself inward to figure out who I am anymore. There are people around, but yet internally I feel as though I am walking through some barren, dystopian reality. This reverse eden. I've been struggling, and even more so wanting to know why.

I love her. I love her still, and to be honest I don't think I have stopped loving her since we met. The other day I was shaving and I noticed the small scar I still have under my lip, where years ago I cut myself while not paying attention at work. I was so smitten after one of our early dates and how perfect it was, I couldn't even concentrate. I could still feel that kiss on my cheek, I swear.

It's so hard to love someone, and to be so utterly defeated that you can't even summon up the courage to say goodbye. The last time she called, I saw "beep" on my caller ID (that's her, inside joke) and just stared at it until it went to voicemail. I didn't even listen to it until later, because I knew that was going to be it. Like I could somehow delay the inevitable.

She's moving on. She has a date. She wishes me the best. etc. etc. etc. I always say that if you don't leave the knife in, they can't twist it. Easier said than done, because I can feel the hole in me as I live and breathe. She has hurt me, gravely and utterly.

I don't think she ever knew, but I loved her so fiercely that I bore every single wound she gave me without even flinching. I can never express the faith of being so sure, because you or she would never understand.

It's an odd thing for me, for my logic to tell me that she is the one who quit on me, and my heart telling me that I was the one who disappointed her. Logic dictates that it is necessary that I am here. My heart tells me it was stupid to leave when I had someone finally who I could have spent the rest of my life with. Love is nothing but open wounds that you bear for each other.

Looking at my phone when she called the last time, I felt the same detachment that I felt the first time we broke up years ago. I remember I was sitting on Joe's couch on Sunday when she called, and me saying "If that's what you want" in response. The same detachment when she broke up with me months ago. The same detachment when we got into a fight on the cruise.

It was the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows, yet I take solace in the face that somehow I maintained consistency in my feelings for her. Maybe she never knew. I realized on the cruise that we operate on a completely different set of emotional spectrum.

The thing is, I never had the heart to fight with her. Call me a coward for that, but I just loved her so much that I couldn't bring myself to even fathom hurting her. Now I have realized that I never did. All I did was love her, and she was the one who let that hurt. It killed me to disappoint her, which by final verdict is probably what I did by moving.

It's all moot now, and will be after this. She just never saw me sit around at work or wherever and just feel good inside. The many times I could catch myself smiling, literally feeling it on my face. Just feeling happy for once that there was someone out there that loved me. Content. I don't think I could ever express, even with my vocabulary, how absolutely huge that was for me. I actually let someone else in.

The difference, I now realize, is that she was never content in our relationship, and she put a lot of that on me. The thing is, how I felt about her has never even so much as wavered. I guess this is something she never saw in me. Which is a shame.

In one of the last conversations we will ever have, she asked me to move home. She told me that it may or may not work if I did. I told her no. I had offered previously to move home if that would have saved us, because we were both having a hard time being so far apart. I meant it too, at the time. However her "sell" of the whole thing just broke me, right then and there.

This last time, when she asked me... this was when I finally surrendered. I had realized that she had taken everything that that I had to give and beaten it out of me. You can only break a heart so many times before there are too many pieces to glue it back together. I suffer detachment as a defense mechanism.

It's hard to walk around, so defeated. To know you gave it all you had, and have it not be good enough. Knowing you love someone and not being able to be with them any longer. It has happened before to me, yet never in a situation where I have forced myself to withdraw. People break up, but this was like self-imposed exile.

I've run out of answers, and the fight in me is gone. I don't even know where we could go from here, even if we were in the same place. I wanted the world for her and I, yet I find now I have nothing left to give.

Necessity is the mother of invention. You cannot be reborn until you die. You cannot rally unless you are being defeated. This is who I am now.