[x]Prominence.Relevant - "The Torch Song" by Shady Bard (From the ground up)
In 15 minutes it will be November 17th, and my 30th birthday. I will officially be out of my twenties, and officially my "Youth" will be over. Relatively speaking, of course. I spent about half of the last decade hiding, then the other half trying to make up for a life that I was never meant to lead... I guess it makes sense the older I get, having more to reflect on.
I don't feel 30.
Last night I had my party, which I think was a success (2/2). I made about 5 loaves of bread's worth of my world famous grilled cheese, which went over extremely well. Only one near-miss incident for the record, and everyone got home safe. I call that a win.
Thanks go out to Noel, because I couldn't have done it without him.
It's funny how you can feel the most lonely when you are surrounded by people. Pretty much ALL of my friends down here were there. It was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves.
This was a victory, but it still feels hollow when you have no one to share it with. When I watched the last person leave, and I was the last person standing, I was really lonely. I suppose the timing of the whole thing, or even the person set it off... When I shut the door it just hit me. I miss that connection of loving someone.
I'm more in control of my emotions now than I have ever been. But I am still drawn to people. Even when I do my best to hide it, and I can feel it just under the surface... I know they could see it in my eyes if they chose to look. Which scares me.
She says I thought we were all past this
I tell myself no
I say no
I just feel more guilty
And once again, I watch her leave
Redemption to detail
I will rise
when I figure out
how to forgive myself
for what I haven't done