www.johnnybronto.com

[x]...the more they stay the same.

This has been a weird month. Hard to put it into words really. It feels like that special effect in cinema where someone moves in real-time, while a crowd speeds past in fast forward. That is the best description that I can come up with. I watch life and everyone around me as they go about their lives, like some sort of human ant farm. I like to think that I can see most of every one's intricate inner workings, and the contrast of their relationships to one another. I like to think I see people in a light that most do not.

My intuition rarely fails me, if ever.

It's my ability to be fairly objective about myself that has been my saving grace. I probably spend as much time looking in as I do looking out.

I tend to draw like-minded souls to me, as do most people. However, I have discovered there is an additional filter to those I keep close to me. Emotional capacity and compatibility. None of the people who I could consider my close friends are selfish, and most are fairly compassionate. We do what we can to get by, and we try to take care of each other... or at least offer to. We may differ in our respective views, but we agree to disagree, and do not let it affect us. I have VASTLY different social, political, philosophical, and religious views (which I keep to myself for now).

There is a counter-balance to this though. I am drawn to certain archetypes of women as well, and though 1200 miles from Michigan, I find myself in some disappointingly familiar situations, even here in Florida. Which is a feat in itself, being that I haven't even been here a year yet.

Impossible muse? Check.

Crush on the girl with the boyfriend? Check.

Wasting my affections on a waste of time? Check.

Why does this happen to me? I think there are certain shortcomings in my soul. Holes that need to be filled in my heart. I will always find a muse because I need that spiritually and artistically. I will always have the crush because I will always want most what I cannot have. I catch myself wasting my affections on those undeserving as well... which I usually chalk up to being a proximity thing. Not sure why I even bother. I think I am better than that.

I can help having the wasted affection and the crush, but I will never be able to help having a muse. I always seem to find some amazing girl around, where I see an amazing beauty inside and out that no one quite pays attention to. I knew it immediately when I met her.