With all of this art
the only thing i've done
is paint myself into a corner

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I just got back from ESOTSM. It was definately on the list, however was bumped up to a recomendation from Robbie. I had the day off, so I went alone.

I loved it so go see it. Well... It's not for everyone.

It really made me think on the way home. Would I erase some of my more painful memories in the hope of somehow attempting to better my life? I have the longest memory of anyone I know, and I have trouble letting go of things.

Would I trade that? Every letter of every word I have ever written would be empty. I would lose any sort of ability to express myself. I wouldn't have my intense fear of rejection or my complex system of defense mechanisms. I wouldn't have to write as a way to cope with my severe sense of loneliness or depression.

Could I give up the beautiful things I have seen or felt to somehow have another shot of getting my life right? As emotionally battered and distraught I have been from time to time - the one thing that has been worked and refined would be an impossible sense of hope. It's like being optimistic while holding a gun to your head.

At one point in the movie Jim Carrey's character has to gather up everything that reminds him of the one he lost and give it away - Reminds me of how I burned everything a few years ago. Honestly it doesn't help, as you would have to flatten a good 30 mile radius from where I live, as well as some other locations to truly give me a shot at not seeing some facet of them in everything. Emotional impressions are hard to erase when they are random.

The eternal question - is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Who would I be if I could just erase Sarah, Madonna, and all of the others who have destroyed me? I would be nothing... I would be an empty person. I have defined myself in destruction and the loss of innocence. Somehow I am still longing for more.

It is better to have loved and lost - If you never loved at all then you are missing out. It's the only thing worth living for... I wouldn't give up any of the memories I have, as much as I try to push them aside. If I am ever happy again, it will be make it even better in contrast. The sour and the sweet. Gaining anything is worthless if you don't know what it is like to lose.

One can't help but wonder "What if?" though.


It's Official - Elvis is DEAD.

There were bananas on the table. Bread in the cupboad. Peanut butter in the cabinet. Curiousity overcame me...

Elvis Presley's Fried Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

Recipe By : Are You Hungry Tonight: Elvis' Favorite Recipes
Serving Size : 1 Preparation Time :0:05
Categories : Celebrity Sandwiches

Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1 small ripe banana
2 slices white bread
3 tablespoons peanut butter
2 tablespoons butter

In a small bowl, mash to banana with the back of a spoon. Toast the bread ligh
tly. Spread the peanut butter on one slice of toast and the mashed banana on t
he other. Fry the sandwich in melted butter until each side is golden brown.
Cut diagonally and serve hot.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOTES : Elvis loved his "peanut butter and nanner" sandwiches. At a hefty 36 g
rams of fat, they probably helped do him in.

THE VERDICT - It's good.... damn good... coronary good. Well I guess that settles that.

UPDATE 11:23PM - I have been sick to my stomach since... DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Thankyaverymuch.


Monetary Crisis of Infinite Brontos

The only reason I work where I work is the money. Yeah, I know most people wouldn't hang out at their jobs for free. However, most people don't mind where they work. However, the ONLY reason I go to work is for money.

Some of my coworkers should be taken out of the genepool - period.

Since xmas vacation though, a once 6-day-a-week cashfest has turned into a "Call the hotline to see if you are working" 2 to 4 day-a-week part-time headache. For example, I am working tomorrow (Saturday of course) and that make 2 days this week. ONE last week (due to injury). I can't live like this. I live at home THANK GOD. My only real bills (that I have to pay) are my lease/insurance and cell phone bill.

However, if I don't work at least 3 or 4 days a week next week, I'm screwed. I will be able to pay my lease/insurance, but have no money to live on.


Screw that noise. I should have filed for unemployment back over break. You want to pay me to sit at home and play LINEAGE II? FINE! However, I have found that when other people have filed their days on have gone from 2-3 to 4-5 a week.

That, or I want to find another job. I guess that one of the things keeping me from doing so in the past was how much money I made at TAG. However, that isn't an issue anymore. I mean, it's almost APRIL for fuck's sake, and I am beginning to think the bubble has burst.

I have become adjusted to living on less money (and diet pop... besides the point) and an hourly job would get me out of the house and put some more money in my pocket. Getting away from my coworkers is a privy I would definately pay for.

That, and there are no chicks at work.


Lineage II Designs

This is the sig I made for my Lineage 2 guild, Shadow Song. I do a fair amount of logo/design work, and I am going to start posting it here.


I'm onto you all.

"I think somewhere there is a secret society that teaches women emotional martial arts" - Me.

The Rents!

1. THE RUNDOWN - I guess this was a good B movie. Christopher Walken played himself, the Rock was cool I guess, Stifler was disappointing, and the jury is still out on whether Rosario Dawson is hot or not. I'm just indecisive on it.

2. GOTHIKA - Suprisingly decent. Definately had my heart pounding at a few points (jump factor). If you put any thought into it you can pretty much figure out what is going on halfway through. Only complaint is lack of scary imagery. I mean, come on guys - THE RING has set the bar... catch up.

3. BEING JOHN MALKOVICH - Okay, this was recommended to me. Ummm this movie wasn't reallly good, wasn't really bad. Just completely fucked up. I know there were massive metaphors within the different relationships between the characters... something to do with puppets. However, they just tied my brain in a knot. There was one good line in the movie though.

John Cusack's character - "This is what someone in love looks like" (Or something like that)


My muse is dead.

No one finds God until they lose him
so go ahead and forsake yourself
pass the blame and ask "why?"
the only queries being in return:
Who is the king of your heart?
Emotional athiest? Resentful piety?

biased history of the victors
My role of Tragic Hero
is nothing more
than the silver lining of my villainy

Rusty eyes atrophied
overfilled soul a weak albino
pale and endentured slavery
free will being my chains
my master - the shades of grey

The best part of being invisible is that you do not have to look at yourself in the mirror.


Dawn of the Dead

When hell is full... The girl from "Go", the guy from "O", and Marcellus Wallace will walk the earth...

I was highly anticipating this movie. I have a serious penchant for zombie flicks... and this one delivered. It is definately the best zombie movie ever made. Honestly 28 DAYS LATER is a better movie IMHO... However, if you want to get technical... that was an epidemic movie.

I have seen the original NIGHT/DAWN/DAY of the dead movies, very recently. The remake of DAWN was by far the best (duh) although the zombies are FAST. It's a little different from the slow moving ones of the original trilogy. In 28 DAYS LATER it made sense (ummm well the most it could in a work of fiction) because they were basically people infected with a viral rage.

What is it about zombie movies? I dunno... maybe the looting scenes do it for me. I loved RESIDENT EVIL too (loved the games)... There must be some sort of deep metaphor that I haven't discovered.

Perhaps I feel like my coworkers are zombies, and I am fighting for survival in the sea of them. For the most part, they are slow moving, not to bright, unrelenting, and they seek to do nothing more than drag you down, devour your brain, and make you one of them.

Yeah, that's gotta be it. [x]


Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Right now, I am one movie into my annual St. Patty's film marathon. Boondock Saints, The Quiet Man, and Good Will Hunting.

This year, I decided to do some research on the origins of the holiday. Everyone's Irish on St. Patty's Day, but there are more reasons to celebrate than just getting wasted.


You have got to be f@#$ing kidding me.

Monday morning, I woke up. I had the day off so I decided to go running.

I had made a concious decision starting this week to eat better, and be disciplined with my physical activities. MWF - Cardio/Fight Club... TTHSAT - Cardio/Work out. The mindset was there, and I was feeling good about myself.

So... Today I hurt my neck at work. I was prying on a window and felt a *POP* in the back of my neck. After that one side of my neck muscles started to spasm everytime I moved my head to the left. So I took my tools off and sat on the back of the truck for a few minutes with no change. Then I called one of my bosses who told me to call the other. They asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to go have it checked out.

Neither sounded pleased... but hey... this is my fucking neck. Ow.

So, I went to the clinic. Driving was SO fun in the snow (especially the left turns...). In the waiting room they had CAST AWAY playing on the TV, but I couldn't tilt my head up to watch. They checked it out with no x-rays and put some ice on it... Sent me home with some muscle relaxers and some Ibuprofin.

Then I have to drive home 30 minutes in a snowstorm... Making as few left turns as possible. I made it home and took the drugs (which are doing nothing) and watched CAST AWAY.

Wonderful. I'm shelved.


Giving credit where credit is due.

Well, my old quake 3 clan, smack that ass ]sTa[, just celebrated it's 4th birthday. I haven't been an active member for a few years... But I was a huge part of creating it. I had started Halo 7 [h7] (#1 on the clq ladder in Q2 dm, part of the Halo Empire), which became ]sTa[ in Quake 3.

Now, the clan is 100% German now, but used to be comprised of 50% Americans. I pop in on the site for a while, translate it and check up on it every once and a while.

So, they have this 4 year review on their page and LEFT ME OUT. They mentioned the other 2 founding members (udied and zero - where are you guys?) somehow forgot about me.

Now, if I remember correctly I was the one who talked those guys into merging with us. There wouldn't even BE an ]sTa[ these days if I hadn't brought them in back then.

Anyway, you can read it at the ]sTa[ page. Translate with babelfish.

Guess I am going to have to dust off and install Quake III... get a rocket launcher and school those suckas until they remember their roots.



This is a few days late.

1. My shitty night out in Ann Arbor - I agreed to go out with Nykanen to Ann Arbor with a "friend" of his and some of that friend's friends. Now - I have spent YEARS trying to blend in. That is why I got into sports, etc. Kind of being a jack-of-all-trades socialite. My personality and interests overlap different types of people... Frat/Bar/Goth/Geek... and at work... TRASH. You learn enough to get by - to not be labeled as "different". I am the kind of person who doesn't like to call attention to themselves.

Anyway one group that I learned that night that I CANNOT blend in with - Hippies. Ann Arborites who are environmentally friendly, tofu eating, second hand clothes wearing, above everything else FASCISTS. I was dressed CASUALLY and I felt OVERDRESSED. Why did this suck? Well basically I had nothing in common with the group except knowing Nykanen. Compound this with the fact that I am the DD and NOT drinking. I am just sitting there, and at one point I thought my brain was going to fall out of my head.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly easy-going guy. I'm all about the peace and love. I am really smoothe until you rub me the wrong way. I got some serious cuts from these people's abrasive personalities.

Here's the thing - and this applies to all the Hippies, G's, Punks, Goths and whatever. You want to be different? COOL - be different. However, no one is going to take you seriously if you look or act like a fucking joke. If you are over the age of 18 and wearing GARBAGE or strappy pants - GROW THE FUCK UP. Jesus fucking Christ - I hate feeling out of place when I'm NORMAL.

You know, I am the hopeless romantic/poetic kind of person. I try to see the best in people and really make an honest effort to not judge people on first impressions. I have hope for the world.

But I don't go broadcasting it by wearing all black and not showering.

I walk by HOT TOPIC and see attractive girls who would be hot if they didn't look like shit. Take the lip and eye piercings out. Take a bath.

2. Joining FIGHT CLUB - ahhh... that felt good. Well, after a year or so of not taking part (I will admit to a tiny bit of naysaying) I have joined FIGHT CLUB. Basically it is Joe and Co. doing some martial arts/fighting stuff. It wasn't that I really had anything against it, I had felt as though it wasn't for me. I was wrong. It's fun and it's free exercise. That, and it gets me out of the house... and I learn how to choke people.

Look - I'm a pacifist. I love killing people online (heh) but I don't like to see people suffer or be hurt. Also - this gives leave for people to mess with me. I have been picked on my whole life for being quiet and soft spoken. I have a passive personality and people take advantage of that. However, the thought of being able to choke this shit out of people who do so has helped me greatly.

3. My recently developed crack habit - Lineage 2 - I have started playing the beta for Lineage 2. It's a fun game, and was only 5 bucks to play (if you preorder the game you automatically get into the beta.) Just like SWG and FFXI - it's a timesink. You dump hours in, your guy gets better stuff... etc. I think I just reached the plateau in the game. So I may take some time off until retail comes out. I would rather get out of the house more anyway.

3. Underworld - Whoops, that shoulda been 4. Basically UNDERWORLD has reclaimed my "favorite band" spot. The deftones had it for a while.

The music I listen to is a direct reflection of my life and state of mind. I don't have the hate and rage that I used to anymore. I love the reflective peacefulness of UNDERWORLD. And - it's really the only thing that saved my night out last Saturday from being a total disaster... someone putting "Born Slippy" on the jukebox (which was immediately naysayed.)



Once again, I find myself too tired to write.

All I know is I'm scared for tomorrow...


Promises, Promises

Ok... Right now it is 11:08pm... I promise I will write something tomorrow... I need to talk about a few things.

1. My shitty night out in Ann Arbor
2. Joining FIGHT CLUB
3. My recently developed crack habit - Lineage 2
3. Underworld


The wind goes right out of my sails...

So, this morning I wake up. I have the day off, so I had some things I wanted to do.

1. Clean my room, do laundry.

2. Clean out my car, get it washed.

3. Buy and air filter for my car, and get a much needed oil change.

I get up, and shower... Get dressed... then I go outside and it's RAINING. Boooo. So much for getting my car washed. As of 12:39pm I have only rinsed out the bed of my truck, and bought an air filter. I need to get on the ball.