Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I just got back from ESOTSM. It was definately on the list, however was bumped up to a recomendation from Robbie. I had the day off, so I went alone.

I loved it so go see it. Well... It's not for everyone.

It really made me think on the way home. Would I erase some of my more painful memories in the hope of somehow attempting to better my life? I have the longest memory of anyone I know, and I have trouble letting go of things.

Would I trade that? Every letter of every word I have ever written would be empty. I would lose any sort of ability to express myself. I wouldn't have my intense fear of rejection or my complex system of defense mechanisms. I wouldn't have to write as a way to cope with my severe sense of loneliness or depression.

Could I give up the beautiful things I have seen or felt to somehow have another shot of getting my life right? As emotionally battered and distraught I have been from time to time - the one thing that has been worked and refined would be an impossible sense of hope. It's like being optimistic while holding a gun to your head.

At one point in the movie Jim Carrey's character has to gather up everything that reminds him of the one he lost and give it away - Reminds me of how I burned everything a few years ago. Honestly it doesn't help, as you would have to flatten a good 30 mile radius from where I live, as well as some other locations to truly give me a shot at not seeing some facet of them in everything. Emotional impressions are hard to erase when they are random.

The eternal question - is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Who would I be if I could just erase Sarah, Madonna, and all of the others who have destroyed me? I would be nothing... I would be an empty person. I have defined myself in destruction and the loss of innocence. Somehow I am still longing for more.

It is better to have loved and lost - If you never loved at all then you are missing out. It's the only thing worth living for... I wouldn't give up any of the memories I have, as much as I try to push them aside. If I am ever happy again, it will be make it even better in contrast. The sour and the sweet. Gaining anything is worthless if you don't know what it is like to lose.

One can't help but wonder "What if?" though.

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