The day after yesterday.
If you are going to press play - "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur (Album - Vacancy)
I fully expected to wake up utterly destroyed this morning. Turns out, the only thing that brought me down was this flu I picked up over the past weekend.
I suppose that deep down in my heart I kind of expected what happened with Kelly. Some sort of contingency plan told me to go ahead and fall in love with her, but not completely. Leave myself an out.
An out which I thought of today...
Last night when we were talking I became really incensed at one point and I couldn't put my finger on it until today. The point came across "I don't want a relationship right now" (Not those exact words but the thought regardless, maybe adding WITH YOU at the end)
Madonna said the same thing... Dated her a year and a half and she told me that "She didn't want this right now" when the truth was she was fucking someone else and getting knocked up.
Those are old wounds. Now I am not saying that Kelly is pulling the same thing on me... It was just the concept of what she was telling me. Years ago I had never felt so betrayed... A part of me is still hurt by that a little and she unintentionally brought it out of me.
...I feel kind of sad. You spend over half a year getting to know someone and showing them who you are. As far as I am concerned our discussions were definately more intimate than "friends" but we obviously had a different take on what our relationship truly was. I was willing to wait for her as long as it took, because I cared about someone and that was good enough for me for the time being. I never put any pressure on her at all and I am very proud of myself for that.
However I guess I overheard things like "I could fall in love with you and marry you in a second, I know you would make me so happy John" (one night driving her home, yes she was intoxicated) - apparently I took that the wrong way as MEANING something more than friendship (or at least the possibility of more).
All I can do is shrug at most. The cliche here is "Her loss" - something I truly believe. I became the person who loved her, and honestly I really like myself like that... It was so nice to try and be a wonderful person for someone.
To be fair, understanding, patient, and loving. That is who I am.
So I realized today that I am that wonderful person regardless. I just need someone to love and take care of. Hopefully someday soon I will have someone as I am looking forward to getting into a meaningful relationship.
I'm actually inspired. :) I'm the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel today. I just need to shake this flu.
Kelly isn't the bad guy in this (as far as I am concerned, everyone can form their own opinion). She's a wonderful girl who I still care about very much. I'm not going to ever bash her here.
They say if you love something let it go... well. Here goes.