After all... timing IS everything.

After a slight snag...

I am on top of the fucking world.


The day after yesterday.

If you are going to press play - "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur (Album - Vacancy)

I fully expected to wake up utterly destroyed this morning. Turns out, the only thing that brought me down was this flu I picked up over the past weekend.

I suppose that deep down in my heart I kind of expected what happened with Kelly. Some sort of contingency plan told me to go ahead and fall in love with her, but not completely. Leave myself an out.

An out which I thought of today...

Last night when we were talking I became really incensed at one point and I couldn't put my finger on it until today. The point came across "I don't want a relationship right now" (Not those exact words but the thought regardless, maybe adding WITH YOU at the end)

Madonna said the same thing... Dated her a year and a half and she told me that "She didn't want this right now" when the truth was she was fucking someone else and getting knocked up.

Those are old wounds. Now I am not saying that Kelly is pulling the same thing on me... It was just the concept of what she was telling me. Years ago I had never felt so betrayed... A part of me is still hurt by that a little and she unintentionally brought it out of me.

...I feel kind of sad. You spend over half a year getting to know someone and showing them who you are. As far as I am concerned our discussions were definately more intimate than "friends" but we obviously had a different take on what our relationship truly was. I was willing to wait for her as long as it took, because I cared about someone and that was good enough for me for the time being. I never put any pressure on her at all and I am very proud of myself for that.

However I guess I overheard things like "I could fall in love with you and marry you in a second, I know you would make me so happy John" (one night driving her home, yes she was intoxicated) - apparently I took that the wrong way as MEANING something more than friendship (or at least the possibility of more).

All I can do is shrug at most. The cliche here is "Her loss" - something I truly believe. I became the person who loved her, and honestly I really like myself like that... It was so nice to try and be a wonderful person for someone.

To be fair, understanding, patient, and loving. That is who I am.

So I realized today that I am that wonderful person regardless. I just need someone to love and take care of. Hopefully someday soon I will have someone as I am looking forward to getting into a meaningful relationship.

I'm actually inspired. :) I'm the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel today. I just need to shake this flu.

Kelly isn't the bad guy in this (as far as I am concerned, everyone can form their own opinion). She's a wonderful girl who I still care about very much. I'm not going to ever bash her here.

They say if you love something let it go... well. Here goes.


Over... over... out.

That's it. Any possibility of a relationship with Kelly other than friend just died.

We had a long conversation about some things that I am not going to get into here... I just want to write something down because I am not sure how I am going to feel when I wake up in the morning.

The whole time I just wanted to tell her that I loved her. That she made me feel special - like everything was going to be okay for once in my life. I didn't want to dig myself deeper into this hole in my heart so I didn't. I wanted to go into every minute detail of how she makes me feel... but I didn't. The way she felt in my arms, the way it felt to kiss her, or touch her.

Realizing that it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good to plead my case with her, I gave up. Even though she is worth fighting for... the fight left me in a sigh.

I have been in love with her since New Year's. Get this - because she DIDN'T kiss me when the ball dropped at midnight.

In love because that isn't something that I can control. Especially when I fall in love way to easy.

That detail, among the other many small things that happened between her and I. The things which only the two of us shared and will ever know. Which made the past 7 months of my life give me something to look forward to.

Something that's over now.


Staring at the sun on a rainy day.

I would say I was a moth to a flame
However I am long cinder and burned
The ashes of all of this
weep at the fact
That I'm telling you I miss you
and you don't even flinch.


Light up, Light up - As if you have a choice

The cruel timing of my life spites me with irony.

This morning, I was driving to work when I turned off the cd I was listening to. The station it was set to was 89x, my favorite rock station here in Detroit.

Right as I turned the volume up, they were saying the intro for the song. I mean the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

To make a long story short - The song was "Run" by SNOW PATROL.

The tone of the song, the lyrics... it's all just perfectly how I feel right now.


Spiderpants... Tingling...


wwwwWWWWWWEEBBBBBBBBB!!!!! .... gooooeeeyyyy!



Never have I felt so lonely
than when you are here
The small touches
mean the most

You leave me
defeated and alone again
- I wouldn't have it any other way
what I want
and what I want
are two different things.

Piety will be the death of me. :)


Save a horse, ride a bronto!

Alright... It's time to come out of the country closet. Last winter the crew I worked on listened to NOTHING but a country station. For a few months I held out... I would just be annoyed.

Finally, I broke.

Now, I would never BUY or OWN any country music. I just know all of the goddamned words to all of the songs, and I LIKE it. I ENJOY it. I SING it.

God help me.

"Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley is the most depressing song I have ever heard. It's like Counting Crows on CRACK sad.

Anyway... it's just different. The songs are FUN and not about how someone's skateboard broke up with them.

NO! I will not justify it! WHY GOD?!!?!? WHY?!!?!?!?


"Wow, this is awkward."

I don't even know what to say... but I guess by saying that I don't know what to say I am in fact saying something.

Sometimes it's just hard to be me.



The tie that binds us
is the tie that breaks us just the same.