3.30.2002

Just got home. I had a pretty good time.

First, I went to the Galactic Dust SHAREWAREZ release party. I met empyre, and finally got to see PON. I was disheartened to find that my friend Jamie Foster was no longer in the band, but I stayed for the set. I must admit, I was impressed. I left soon afterwards.

Second, my "little brother" noel turned 21 tonight, so I met him at Dunleavy's in Allen Park. Everyone (well almost) was there. Paul, Rachel, Nick McTurner... It was nice to catch up. Didn't take long at all for me to readjust to that group. I was also introduced to Noel's girlfriend Emily. She is very nice, pretty, and great for Noel. Good for Noel, I am happy for him.

Noelie got pretty smashed. The shot I bought him didn't help I am sure. He was staggering by the time I left. Heh. Can only imagine how he feels at this particular moment.

I had a great time. Now noel can go to the real clubs. We can have some real fun. Looking forward to hanging out with my bro.

Keep it coming I'm going all the way
Keep it coming I'm going all the way
Just give me half a chance
From throwing it all away


Stone Temple Pilots "Glide" - Track 8 on No. 4

3.27.2002

Here I go again.

Right now I am trying to put some sort of "Social Life" together. As I have said, I need to get out more. So this saturday, I am on the guest list for a cd release party in Ann Arbor. Yay! Something to do! It will be the first time I will get to see PON, my friend Jamie Foster's band. Been meaning to catch a show...

The lineup is set for the release party. E.M.S. a DJ from Detroit will open and close the show. (pôn) will play at 10:15 and L.O.I. at 11:30. The CDs are getting pressed and T-shirts are being screened as you read this. Doors Open at 9:00PM on March 30th at The Heidelburg on 215 N. Main St. in Ann Arbor Michigan.


so, all of you you local DEADPIXEL fans... come meet the man in person, as I will be there. *Bring hot friends.*

Kind of odd how it all happened. The guy from galacticdust.com contacts me... and finds PON through a link on my site... and now they are on this cd. Funny how things work out. Can I take credit? heh.

I am really looking forward to it.

...

The saturday afterwards, I am going to see SPARTA at St. Andrew's Hall in Detroit. The band was formed from some of the former members of At The Drive-In, which was one of my favorite bands. I picked up their 4-song album, "Austere" - and have downloaded 4 of their other songs... all are very good. Looking forward to this as well.


...

I just want a change. I want to mix it up a bit and actually do something with my youth. Now that I have realigned my perception of money... I can do more. Also, I am going to resume working out next week. Never satisfied with how I look.

...

I saw RESIDENT EVIL the other day. For the second time, I went to the movies by myself. It wasn't great, but wasn't bad either. I would have to give it 3 out of 5 stars. It was definately entertaining, and well worth the 5 bucks I paid to see it. Sometimes all you need is to just sit through a decent zombie movie.

...

Anyway... hopefully over the next few weeks or so I am going to try and make the site more interactive. Not sure how... but I will figure something out. I would like to hear from the people who read this site. I see all of these hits, but only a few people comment. SO LEAVE SOME FEEDBACK. Yes this means you! How do you like the new logo/setup? I am trying to keep my layout simple. Okay that is a lie - I suck at web page design and this is the best I could do. But I am decent at graphics design...

EVERYONE COMMENT DAMNIT. Let me know what you think, and what you want to see.

3.22.2002

Not much going on today. I saw BLADE 2 - and it was a good movie. I think the only problem with it is the fact that perhaps I set my expectations too high. I loved BLADE so much. I think what detracted from the second movie (Which, probably overall was better) - was the lack of a defined villain. I mean, the bad guy(s) were cool... but Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) from the first movie was sweet. There were some great moments in the sequel, however. I really like the point in movies where the heroes are surrounded, outmanned, and running out of bullets. The "Were fucked" moments. There was a great one in this movie.

I would give it a solid 4 out of 5 stars. Definately an owner. The soundtrack, while looking good on paper... wasn't really that great in the movie. It fit I suppose, but not as well as the "Confusion" remix in the first one. They play that song at SPACE, and I love it.

...

Jaws died. R.I.P. Jaws - 2002 to... ummm 2002. *Toilet flushing*

...

Isn't is supposed to be spring? It was quite cold today.

...

Tomorrow I have to work. After that I have nothing to do... I guess I could clean my room (laundry)... Finish the Sandman graphic novels... Maybe work on my site a bit. I added the star last night... I have always had a fascination with the soviet red star. That kind of gothic look to it. I couldn't find a good one on the net to work with in photoshop, so I created my own. Didn't turn out that bad. I just wanted something to symbolize "Revolt".

Margarita is going up north this weekend. I was looking forward to seeing her, but perhaps I should take some time away from her. The puzzle about her has been solved. She, as her name predicts, is simply and utterly intoxicating. I get lost in her. Not that this is a bad thing, mind you. But, I cannot be with her, so I must focus my efforts elsewhere.

To whom? She was pretty much it. I have no more "Active" girls on the list. It is unfortunate... as of my bewildered state... my current fascination with the female species. Amazed am I with women I see. Oh well, my time will come. Hopefully sooner than later. I just need to go out and meet more people. Well. First things first. I need to get out of here more.

So come find me.

...

I got a new phone the other day.
My old phone overheated too much, and this one is working out fine.

3.20.2002

Sometimes you just need to open your eyes.

Today, our job was easy, and I was home around noon. Nykanen and I go out to dinner. Chili's. At one point I am looking out the window and I see this girl walking through the parking lot. She was amazing. As a matter of fact... I said "That girl is amazing" - When I looked back our food was served and the waitress was standing there looking at me. At least I was caught saying something that would be construed as a compliment. I was just so completely spellbound for a second that I never noticed. Our waitress was pretty, too.

Anyway... afterwards I am bored so we go to the Border's down the road. And it continues... I found myself just looking (not staring) at all of the beautiful women in the store. Nevermind the fact that nothing interested me as far as purchasing. Nykanen did not find the book he was looking for, so he wanted to go the the Southland Mall to another Border's. I agree to go.

As I am walking through the mall, I am just amazed... There are so many beautiful women out there... it is as if they have been hiding for the longest time. Either that, or I just have not been looking. The way they look.. Talk... their body language. What they wear. It was a captivating experience... and it just makes me feel better all of a sudden.

Women are so beautiful. I long to have one in my life.

I feel perhaps that I have had my eyes closed forever. "You mean I could never know her?" - Lestat.

I look back on what I have written so far... and I am classifying them as an object. I do not wish to do so. They are just beautiful... beyond words. I long to know a woman... to love one... Again.

It has just been so long. I have not been myself... In a long time. Afraid of relationships... of meeting anyone new. Unfortunately this compounds on the fact that I am already shy.

Now, I want to. I want to meet new people... I am ready to be in a relationship again... finally. I long for it. What I needed was just to give up on these girls that are hopeless. They may be some of my friends, but I pine over them, and it gets me nowhere.

All I need now is for fate to intervene. Get me out of my house... Out of this damn routine that everyone else around me so merrily accepts. It is not for me. I am meant for something far greater than this, even if it is only in my head. I will not settle for my current lifestyle. There is just so much to do, and I feel as though I am wasting away.

So, come find me.

...

I have been reading the Sandman graphic novels lately. I just finished number 6 out of the 10... by far my favorite character is Delerium. She reminds me of myself in a way.


3.18.2002

I feel so disconnected from everything.

As if someone went inside me and unplugged all of my heart's strings. More and more every day do I learn how fucked up the concept of love is. What love does to people.

I just feel alone, even still. The only time I do not feel truly alone, is with Margarita.

And, unfortunately... I am giving up. I do not know where I will go from here.

3.17.2002

One year.

Funny how things set themselves into motion.

3.14.2002

All of my muses are dead.
Where did I put that
sword...
shield...
Where did I hang my wings?


Last night could have went better.

Sure, it started off fine... I went out with Margarita to her place in Troy, where she made me dinner. She had printed out the entirety of my poetry page - in response to me telling her that I had written about her in there somewhere. As we were eating... I glanced at my work... it was 10 printed pages... I never knew that I had that much.

It was hard to read.. with every passing statement I was back at that moment. Some that I swore I would never feel again. People I would never visit. Those who have made it abundantly clear that they are not worth my time... as I was not worth theirs.

As I read, I realized that I had written about her more than I thought.

I don't deal with how I feel about her. It finally dawned on me last night.

So there she is, guessing. She marks out the ones that she thinks are about her, as I told her I would not tell her. She gets the two easy ones right away (They were on the first page). She doesn't get anymore. Some were, in fact... way off. The ones about a person hurting me... she took a few of those... Has she ever hurt me?

This one for my heart and I cannot have her.
This one for my mind and I cannot have her.
This one for my lust and I cannot have her.


You'll never see this rose that I am holding for you
so beautifully oblivious


We end up laying around on her bed... After some prodding I seperate the sheets... make a small pile of three where the other ones about her are. There were a total of five that I counted...

Immediately I realized my mistake...and, much to her dismay, i shuffled them back into place. After that I didn't have much to say to her. I mean come on, John. Don't cross that line. In a split second I realized that what is complex to me, is simple to her... and I envy that. So, with few words said, she proceeds to start driving me home. The car ride is a continued silence.

When she gets closer to my house, she starts to inquire about what is wrong. I told her that it was a mistake to point her in the right direction on what I have written about her. I told her I stopped before more damage was done. She said she values me as a friend... and doesn't want to ruin what we have by being a shitty girlfriend, who would end up making me hate her.

What are you thinking about? Nothing.
I know how you feel about me, John. No, you don't. And it doesn't make a difference.
Why doesn't it make a diffrence? It hasn't made a difference in three years, Margarita.

That was pretty much it.

I love her. To what extent, I don't know. Because it truly doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how I feel to her.

She is the only person left who can hurt me. Everyone else has been banished from my heart forever. It is her, and only her... what sucks is that I am locked up so tight that I am so afraid of letting anyone in... I am so afraid of being hurt again. Sometimes it is unbearable... and with her, for a few hours that I get to see her... I don't feel alone. I know she loves me, and she is there.

So, for all of this armor... I feel like a scrambled yolk inside of an uncracked egg. What do I say now? Where do we go from here?

BTW, Margarita... I know you are going to read this.. so here goes.

You don't want to hear----what I have always tried to tell you...

I wish you could look through my eyes

I like to look at you-
I like to feel your eyes
I like touching you-
feel your body next to mine
To hold you-to kiss you-
now I miss these
Withdrawn and killing me
these things that I need


...

What, in these days of misguided lament... Keep me going? I would have to say... Defiance.

Unaccepting, Spiteful... I wish to call out all the world and scream: You will not break me.

3.08.2002

God bless hip hugger jeans. Wait.

Ahem.

It has been a rough week. I cannot seem to shake this sickness. My voice has returned, well most of the time. I got sick last night... When I was out with Ann Marie.

How embarrassing.

I am sure my recent change in diet doesn't help - I think my body is revolting against me.

I have given up fast food... Yeah yeah I know I have said this before. I just hate getting off of work and saying to myself "What am I going to eat?" and just going to Weny's or something. I am all fast-fooded out. I don't feel healthy... And it is expensive. I have also given up going out to breakfast... Also saving some cash... I just eat CRISPIX instead. Cereal is good, and good for you.

Just not satisfied with how I look. I lost a ton of weight last summer... then it stablilized and I have not been able to lose any more. Then again, I have not changed my diet until now.

Also. The nectar of the gods - Pop. I tried giving that up... Lasted the past three days until my withdrawel ended up giving me a pounding headache. I think I am just too addicted to caffeine to go without.

So, I cracked today and bought a pepsi on the way home from work... By the time I got home my head had cleared. So, I am just going to try and cut down.

It sucks.

...

Well, I have gotten my money situation finally under control. I have drawn up a plan of how much money I make, and what bills I have to pay. Being organized is going to help me pay off my damn credit card bills. It is just a simple text file... Nothing too dramatic.

Damn tickets are killing me.

...

Oh yes, the fish. I bought some fish last Sunday - A balla shark, and a reed fish (looks like an eel)... Jaws and Toma respectively. (Toma, short for Tomagotchi, which still hurts when I think of how attached I was to mine and it DIED)... But just like any other toy, my interest has slightly waned, and they will be moved out of my room into the living room soon. Fish smell like fish.

...

Everyone tells me to stop looking for a girlfriend. "The moment you stop looking..." blah. Things have not changed with Margarita. What is going on with her, anyhow? What is going on between us?

Well, I still need someone to go out with. I would like to go to the club tonight... but I have no one to go with. I will not go alone... and I have to work tomorrow... ick.

...

Some weird things have been happening lately. For one, my mind drifts back to Madonna at random. Second, I had a dream that my parents died... I still feel off balance about things. I would write more, but it just seems as though I am rehashing everything. Over and over again.

I just need to win the lotto tonight. "If I won the lotto, you would never see me again" - What I said at work today. Probably true.