Today, our job was easy, and I was home around noon. Nykanen and I go out to dinner. Chili's. At one point I am looking out the window and I see this girl walking through the parking lot. She was amazing. As a matter of fact... I said "That girl is amazing" - When I looked back our food was served and the waitress was standing there looking at me. At least I was caught saying something that would be construed as a compliment. I was just so completely spellbound for a second that I never noticed. Our waitress was pretty, too.
Anyway... afterwards I am bored so we go to the Border's down the road. And it continues... I found myself just looking (not staring) at all of the beautiful women in the store. Nevermind the fact that nothing interested me as far as purchasing. Nykanen did not find the book he was looking for, so he wanted to go the the Southland Mall to another Border's. I agree to go.
As I am walking through the mall, I am just amazed... There are so many beautiful women out there... it is as if they have been hiding for the longest time. Either that, or I just have not been looking. The way they look.. Talk... their body language. What they wear. It was a captivating experience... and it just makes me feel better all of a sudden.
Women are so beautiful. I long to have one in my life.
I feel perhaps that I have had my eyes closed forever. "You mean I could never know her?" - Lestat.
I look back on what I have written so far... and I am classifying them as an object. I do not wish to do so. They are just beautiful... beyond words. I long to know a woman... to love one... Again.
It has just been so long. I have not been myself... In a long time. Afraid of relationships... of meeting anyone new. Unfortunately this compounds on the fact that I am already shy.
Now, I want to. I want to meet new people... I am ready to be in a relationship again... finally. I long for it. What I needed was just to give up on these girls that are hopeless. They may be some of my friends, but I pine over them, and it gets me nowhere.
All I need now is for fate to intervene. Get me out of my house... Out of this damn routine that everyone else around me so merrily accepts. It is not for me. I am meant for something far greater than this, even if it is only in my head. I will not settle for my current lifestyle. There is just so much to do, and I feel as though I am wasting away.
So, come find me.
...
I have been reading the Sandman graphic novels lately. I just finished number 6 out of the 10... by far my favorite character is Delerium. She reminds me of myself in a way.
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