[x]pawns and proximity.

too often am i drunk on the prospect of love
only to sober up later
and count myself lucky
to have dodged yet another bullet
and when i'm thinking clearly
i cannot comprehend a life with any of them
hindsight makes me wonder
what made them so fucking exempt
at the time in which my standards cease to apply
too many times i've been some ploy
someone else's plot device
and i'm sick of facilitating the happiness of others
being the catalyst of their rise
i look at the lands they've settled
and all of the ways they've compromised
even as i get a sense of validation
i also get a shock of despair in realization -
how long it will be before i sell out
in fear of being alone?
when i say i have so much to give
do other people see how much there is to take?
i will hold out as long as i can
or as long as it takes -
until i find a queen that moves me like a king
and not some pawn of proximity

[x]the phoenix came down here to die.

these are the sacrifices i make for you
to be ever more vicious in my elegance
not quite painting myself in a corner
but walking in a slow spiral
playing chicken with this depression
in my absolute arrogance
i wonder who will back down first
when my heart has nothing left to lose...
don't worry, everything will be okay - i promise
this is me at my most self aware
embracing that which is killing me
and that which isn't just making me darker
my eyes are jade, my eyes are open
as i take a step into the void
and hope to somehow come out the other side
this is something i have to do
this phoenix came down here to die
villain as i am, my hand is in the fire
yet a lack of pain is what hurts the most


when the time goes by
i can no longer hate them for who they were
but for the mirrors they held
and my reflection in them
my loathing shifted to who i was
when i didn't care to escape
when i was too weak to walk away
and how naive i was
thinking it was strength that made me stay
it takes getting older, and colder
to realize now know that the reverse is true
they simply are who they are
so who is at fault
for indulging such questionable character?
yet i look at my reflection
and can see the darkness and void within
there is a huge hole in me
where everyone i have ever loved used to be
and i almost miss the pain

[x]neutral life.

i seek atonement from the fates
in vain attempt to save me from this neutral life
i have plotted and schemed with these words
every single one, weighed and measured
all the while simultaneously seeking salvation as well as sin
this is the grey path i have walked
as i have tried to have it both ways
looking for some kind of path, some kind of light
afraid this will go on forever if unbalanced
if anything, i wasn't designed to be alone
all of my karma cancelling itself out
with all these things that i've done
i have been given voice
but no cause to apply it,
no purpose save merely existing
a mindless automaton, going through the motions
my biggest downfall is the inability to compromise
yet failing to reconcile
the coldness of my logic
with the heat of my passions
nothing matters if i am bereft of love
to show me the value of everything i have
but until that day
i will just sit here with the habit of dividing by zero
and sounding like a broken record


[x]what was my shadow.

i met what was my shadow
when she plucked me from the plenty of fish in the sea
the moment i made her smile
i couldn't wait to see her again
and when she left for the night
she stayed with me just the same
and i swear the next day, my head was in the clouds
or at least a little closer
every step i took felt like it was an inch off the ground
until i finally saw her again
and then all i could do was spell the word smitten for her
and you know what?
she guessed it too
she was right there with me...
and for a split second i found a rare balance
and all was right in the world
my present included somewhat of a bright future
like the sun had finally come out
yet when it did
my shadow was gone