I was just reading a few ninja stories over at realultimatepower.net and I came across "Le Big Party" in the Ghost Stories section. The following line is an excerpt...

The ninja, having scared himself, beat his own ass in a paradoxical way.
Weapon X & The Bronto

Logan and I.


The Passion


I went to the 1pm show... and it was PACKED.

If you naysayers want an opinion, go see it yourself. You won't get one from me.


As a side note, I finished THE DA VINCI CODE this morning... good book if anyone wants to borrow it. Definately gives you some things to think about.



When did everything get so fucking lame?

Well, I am back on the diet. I am working out at 5pm. Which is great because the cabin fever is starting to set in. I am going stir crazy with nothing to do.

I am going to shave too, I promise. I have been shagging out for the past week. I look like hell.

This week look fairly promising... I have tomorrow off, and THE PASSION comes out on Wednesday. I have actually been looking forward to it for a while, and everyone else NOT wanting to see it makes me want to see it MORE. I just want to go alone, and during the day.

Besides all of that... I'm pretty pissed off right now. Ok, not pissed (I don't really ever get mad) - Severely annoyed?

So... say it with me...

Fuck the world. Fuck the naysayers. Fuck Nader.


Paying it forward (KARMA BABY!)

I just quit MU ONLINE, the online RPG game I have been playing for a week or so.

When I started, I gained a few levels... Things were going slow because I didn't have any money to buy better equipment or potions. Some guy called me over (seeing that I was low level) and gave me 10k zen(y). What a nice guy...

So, later on I got to about level 25 or so and was doing pretty good for myself when I found a JEWEL OF CHAOS (a very rare item) and sold it for 700k. My money problems were gone... I bought the best equipment I could wear...

Then, on my way back to town I flagged down a n00b and gave him... you guessed it, 10k.

I played for a few days and then got fairly burnt out on the game and decided to quit. About 5 minutes ago I flagged this guy down in town and asked him what level he was. He said "Level 2" so I opened a trade window with him.

I gave him 500k and my equipment (which included some BAD ASS magic find boots) - HE FREAKED. Then he thanked me profusely... Then said "I can't wear any of this stuff" (He was too low level)

So I replied "You will be able to someday son... *pats on head*" and logged off... then uninstalled the game.

Now, you are saying "Why didn't I just give him my account?" well - dammit I dumped a week into that game to get where I was... he can too!


I am zombie no. 4 - what's my motivation?

I have been sick all week. My allergies started acting up last week - playing hell with my sinuses... that hasn't left me it seems... I have been sick (head cold) for the past week. I didn't even work out at all. My diet has gone to hell...

Basically, I feel like shit and I don't feel like making my life any more uncomfortable (at least not this week).

It's 10pm-ish on saturday night and I am home... I have been home all day. I was originally planning on doing a few things this weekend, but NONE of them happend.

Last night, I wanted to go see sneak preview of THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, but I couldn't find anyone to go with.

I was supposed to go to the DIA this morning, but I didn't go... That and I didn't go see the sneak preview of STARSKY & HUTCH - I instead stayed home and read some of THE DAVINCI CODE. - and played some video games.

All of these plans, and no one to to execute them with. I am kind of disappointed. That has been this kind of week. I really wanted to get out of the house, but all I did was play video games. That is getting old too I guess with all of my accomplishments.

I beat HALO. I burnt myself out of MU online. I beat the PAINKILLER demo.

However, I am a really good at UNREAL TOURNAMENT 2004. So much so that I have retired from Raven Shield forever.


yeah yeah YEAHS!

If you are going to press play "Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Wait, they don't love you like I love you...

I'm really tired, but I have to stay up and put my clothes in the dryer for tomorrow. Man I am so pissed, I made PLANS to go to the DIA tomorrow and have some lunch in greektown...

... I have to WORK. I love how I have random days off during the week, but somehow always get screwed on the weekends.


The word is VOLATILE!

Things are just so calm right now... I guess without some emotional crisis to keep my mind busy I get REALLY FUCKING BORED. In this mental crisis I have to (in typical John fashion) of course take stock and overanalyze my seemingly unending series of disfunctional relationships.

Kelly - Cooled off into pretty much nothing - that spark has flared and burnt out. Third times a charm I suppose...

Jessica - Well I liked her but she has struck out on the 3 phone call rule. Her move.

Kristen - We have actually starting talking again a bit... However due to the 3 cancel strikeout last fall, the ball is also in her court.

... and I patched things up with Margarita.

I just realized - She has been in my life longer than any of the girls I know... Typically when it doesn't work out (ex's or girls that I like with boyfriends) things just - well they just end one way or another. Usually it is of my doing. I mean why keep someone in your life that represents disappointment or hurt?

She's been there for years... and I don't think that she realizes how much that means to me.

When I talked to her the other night... well for the first 10 minutes or so I just let her talk. I let her get out how angry she was at me. She was perfectly right to be mad at me.

I take her for granted sometimes. Just because I can't HAVE her doesn't mean I should kick one of my best friends to the curb. I'm just going to have to make it work...



The absolute height of boredom.

Right now, it is 2:48am on a Monday morning. Normally I would be getting up in a few hours (5am) to go to work. I have today off of work.

It's been slow at work, so they have cut my days in half. Uncool because of the monetary impact, cool because it's fucking cold outside.

So... Here is some random fun. I love Quizno's subs... and the new commercials are GENIUS! You can see two of them at the page.

I love the deformed gerbils! They are so awesome! If you cannot get enough... check out the screensaver here. I use it. :)



Valentine's day? Feh.

4th annual? Has it been that long?


Entertainment Calendar

Well, I have been meaning to do it for a long time - now I have written up an ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR. It is incomplete (just put in the things that came to mind). It is a list of the movies I plan on seeing, and the dvd's that I plan on buying in the future. Check it out.


Something in the air...

If you're going to press play - "Nothing Song" by Sigur Ros

Something has changed...

I haven't been able to sleep for the past few days in any significant amount. Laying in my bed a few minutes ago, I was running my hand against the wall. It's hot in here, and I love the feel of the cold wall against my hands...

I just feel less embattled. That conflict is gone within my soul... After the past month, even the past few years for some reason I feel as though... I don't know how to put it.

Is this some kind of peace?

I've been fighting so long that I don't really know how to do anything other than survive. I'm just so weary these days. I'm tired of being tortured on a daily basis.

So what do I do now? It's so hard to strike a balance between memories and hope, the past and the future. I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me...

I just want to wake up ONE morning and have my heart not be so heavy. Maybe tomorrow will be that day.


And now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming.



Graveyard: Part Four (Epilogue)

Every waking moment for the past 3 days I have been re-reading and thinking about my last fews posts.

Something has been nagging me... deep inside my stomach. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to kick myself when I'm down. So I thought that it was just that dark part of me coming back.

You can never escape your shadow.

I've fought through emotional instability and depression for years. Only in the past few months have I really been able to put what was wrong with me into words.

My personality is fraught with an uncompromising sense of vindictiveness. I was happy once... since then nothing has ever been good enough. Why is that?

I've refused to settle. Unfortunately my all-or-nothing stance on relationships doesn't really win me over with the ladies. Perhaps that is why it has been so long since I have had a meaningful relationship. People just disqualify themselves by not being perfect. That loneliness... I guess that is what this depression is all about.

Passion - it's hard to sustain fire without anything to burn.

That isn't what is nagging me in my stomach though... I thought long and hard about it and I could only come up with one possible word to describe it.


How in the hell I am an optimist - I mean ME of all people!

I took a few deep breaths and thought... My life isn't over. I'm not done here. LIke I said - I have been happy before. I just have faith in the fact that someday I will be again. Someday I will be in love and I'll curse the day that I almost stopped believing.

The latest glimpse was Kelly - and in a way I think I got ahead of myself. She's wonderful, but sometimes I need to stop being euphoric/poetic and just let some time pass. I wanted it to happen overnight.... I am not a patient person by any means... Remember everyone isn't a hopeless romantic like I am. I'm not a hero and some people don't want to be saved... Some people are happy where they are.

I know, I know - I'm bouncing around and probably the only person who really knows what the hell I am talking about is me.

I guess what I want to say is - My happiness is out there somewhere, and I am not going to compromise or settle until I find it.


Graveyard: Part Three

This place is a graveyard.

I need to get out of Michigan. There is so much that I hate about where I live.

I cannot wake up without being constantly reminded of the things I have let go wrong, get screwed up, or let pass me by. The very air that I breathe is bad. Winter doesn't help my mood either... my energy sapped...

Everyone else has moved on with their lives... or, even if they have not - they have accepted where they are and are fine with it. I am not. I have wasted so much potential, and so many opportunities... More than the average person in ONE lifetime get. Not only that - but I continue to do so and hate myself for it.

I love my family more than anything. I love my friends... I know they will understand it when I leave.

I want to move somewhere warm. Like California, or Florida... or even a place like Las Vegas. Inside I feel like I should be so much more - or there is so much more out there for me.

Have I been jaded by my relationships with women? Yes I have. I cannot go anywhere without be by some heartache's house... or some place of significance. The past - It haunts me. It would be nice to be in a place where you don't know landmarks, where you can make NEW memories, or even start a new life.

The present - every relationship I have a joke. Why? because everything is tied to someone else. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes that I made with Margarita with Kelly. I want to find someone who makes me feel like Sarah did. I don't ever want to fall prey to someone like I did to Madonna.

I suppose you live and learn. You learn from your mistakes, and apply that new knowledge to the future. I just don't think it should be like this. No one should be in love with the past and let that affect the present or future.

So, the plan is (barring some miracle) - I am going to pay off my bills and move. Hopefully something will make me want to stay, and give me a new lease on living here - I just strongly doubt it.


Graveyard: Part Two

Soundtrack - "Stop crying your heart out" - Oasis

There hasn't been a single day in the past 5 years where I haven't thought about Sarah. Lately it has just been snapshots...

The time I bought her a rose when I met her after she was off of work one night. - I remember how happy she was... how something so simple put such a smile on her face. The way she ran the petals of the rose down my lips before she kissed me.

The last time I saw her before she moved to Aquinas. - She was dropping me off in her car. She was crying and I remember just wanting to get it over with. I hurried the goodbye because I was so heartbroken. I knew it was the end... looking back I think we both did. This wasn't the last time that I saw her... but it was the last time I saw her where we were truly in love. I can still see that look on her face... that pleading look as if she wanted me to talk her out of it. To make one last desperate attempt to keep her here.

I have burned every single picture I had of her, in some vain attempt to forget... However I won't ever forget the way she use to look at me... That genuine love that her eyes conveyed to me... The more I try and forget the clearer the memory of her becomes.

If there is one point in my life that did the most damage... that was it. I was much younger then emotionally. I was young and foolish (you never know what you have until it's gone) - I had been heartbroken before, but not on that scale. This was "The one" up and leaving me, and I was watching it happen.

When she told me about the scholarship - I made her go even though I think she would have stayed if I had asked her to. She loved me that much.

I still miss her... so much that it makes my heart hurt to think about it. Everything here is a constant reminder of the time we had together. I don't love her any less than I did the last time I saw her... And in that there is always the hope that the next knock on the door, the next phone call, the next letter, the next email... will somehow be her.

I took her for granted... She was the best thing ever to happen to me and I let her go. Love has been mocking me ever since. Every time I see even a glimpse of what I had with her in someone else, I desperately reach out for it... It's always just out of my grasp.

The last I have heard of her, she was engaged. She's out there, and probably has a family and a life that has nothing to do with here... or me. Good for her, if anyone deserves to be happy, it's her.

I also wonder if she thinks about me... I like to think that she does... What we had was something beautiful in this ugly world and no one will ever be able to take that away from either of us.


Graveyard: Part One

Last saturday, when I went to the bar with my cousin - I saw a girl. I could swear at first glance that it was Madonna, and it made me nervous. I am not sure why. Same body, hair, skin color... She was dancing so I moved around the floor to get a better look.

Now, I was at HARLAN'S in Woodhaven, about a block or so away from her house. Normally I avoid this area like the plague... However I was with Donnie.

To make this unecessarily long story short - It wasn't her.

However, it did remind me of something. I don't think about her on an everyday basis as I used to. She basically pops into my head at random, or in regards to something else that connects her. I guess that is a good sign.

It also makes me wonder if I ever cross her mind. She knows about my page... she used to read what I was writing about her... which is odd because nothing I ever said made a difference. Why did she care? I wonder if she ever bothered to check up on me.

That's the funny thing about my journal, I suppose... Anyone could hop back into my life at any time if they so chose to.


This Sucks. GO RUPERT!

I get home from spending sunday with the guys & watching the new SURVIVOR ALL-STARS, I just got home around midnight.

NO ONE is online... no one is really playing any games... It's sunday night so there's no one to really call so I am stuck. I have tomorrow off so I can stay up as late as I want to! Booooo.


I am wallflower that feels like an ash tray.

God I hate smoke. Bleh.

I just got back from going out with my cousin Donnie. We went to a local bar where I felt YOUNG. There was band and it was fairly boring. Someone we were with "had a line on some ass" so we left.

The next bar we went to had better scenery... Heh. My cousin insisted we go hook up with girls (he was drinking a bit). I was just really tired and bored at that point so I left.

Honestly, I'm 25 and I have absolutely no idea how to pick up women. Everything relationship-wise has been situational, and I am horribly shy. Confidence is not something that can really be taught to me I suppose... It wouldn't be me anyway so I would feel stupid. I would mutch rather be set up, or at least know of the person via someone else.

I don't know how to take that first step, so I would rather someone else do it for me. Once I have that "In" I'm comfortable, and I can be myself.

Some girl did grab my ass though.

You know, it's just not my scene. I don't drink (except my birthday) - and I have beat the club thing into the ground. When I do go it is to watch other people, or to drive. I can spend hours just people-watching. I would just rather not call attention to myself. I am that kind of person.