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Graveyard: Part Four (Epilogue)

Every waking moment for the past 3 days I have been re-reading and thinking about my last fews posts.

Something has been nagging me... deep inside my stomach. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to kick myself when I'm down. So I thought that it was just that dark part of me coming back.

You can never escape your shadow.

I've fought through emotional instability and depression for years. Only in the past few months have I really been able to put what was wrong with me into words.

My personality is fraught with an uncompromising sense of vindictiveness. I was happy once... since then nothing has ever been good enough. Why is that?

I've refused to settle. Unfortunately my all-or-nothing stance on relationships doesn't really win me over with the ladies. Perhaps that is why it has been so long since I have had a meaningful relationship. People just disqualify themselves by not being perfect. That loneliness... I guess that is what this depression is all about.

Passion - it's hard to sustain fire without anything to burn.

That isn't what is nagging me in my stomach though... I thought long and hard about it and I could only come up with one possible word to describe it.

Hope.

How in the hell I am an optimist - I mean ME of all people!

I took a few deep breaths and thought... My life isn't over. I'm not done here. LIke I said - I have been happy before. I just have faith in the fact that someday I will be again. Someday I will be in love and I'll curse the day that I almost stopped believing.

The latest glimpse was Kelly - and in a way I think I got ahead of myself. She's wonderful, but sometimes I need to stop being euphoric/poetic and just let some time pass. I wanted it to happen overnight.... I am not a patient person by any means... Remember everyone isn't a hopeless romantic like I am. I'm not a hero and some people don't want to be saved... Some people are happy where they are.

I know, I know - I'm bouncing around and probably the only person who really knows what the hell I am talking about is me.

I guess what I want to say is - My happiness is out there somewhere, and I am not going to compromise or settle until I find it.