I feel alive.

More so than I have felt in I don't remember how long. I have control over everything. My emotions, my money.

I have spent some time with Margarita lately, and things are different. It is at it were when I met her. How it should have been. I love talking to her... I mean really talking. It is nice to have someone to talk to, and I had never thought of that in the entire time I have been alone. All I have had is this... my journal. Which I love as well... But it is different.

She has come over the past few days, and we lay around, watch movies. As is our relationship.


I have seen Queen of the Damned 3 times now. Right now I have an addiction to song # 3 on the soundtrack. "System" - by - Chester Bennington Of Linkin Park

I can't stop listening to it.

Why is everything so fucking hard for me?
Keep me down-
to what you think
I should be
Must you tempt me
and provoke the ministry
Keep on trying
I'm not dying so easily


First off - I am sick. I think it is passing now, although I still have no voice. - Or maybe a grainy one at that.

Yesterday I slammed a whole bottle of cherry NYQUIL when I got home from work... I figured that I would just sleep the whole day. That my body would fix itself if I just hibernated for a day.

Things did not go according to plan.

Two hours after I laid down to sleep... My mom calls me and wants to go look at a computer for her. I talk to her on my cell phone, agree to go. I was kind of groggy at first from just waking. Then I sat up. My head was spinning. Not the room, my head. I would turn my head one way and everything would just keep going.

Regardless, I stumbled out the door as my mom picked me up. I spent the next few hours spinning... Then came home and went to bed.

"This is why I don't drink"


Second - Go see QUEEN OF THE DAMNED - it was great.

Stuart Townsend delivered a dead-on (no pun intended) performance as the vampire Lestat. Much more impressive than Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire. Aaliyah was great too. I don't care what all the naysayers say - Harry Knowles, my roomate Joe, etc. - This movie kicked ass. The music was placed perfectly. It had a great look and a feel to it.

Definately a solid 4 stars out of 5. This one is an owner, and I picked up the soundtrack after leaving the theater.


am i concerned of you
with the laying
or the sleeping?
Do I worship
The tears of joy
or the long faded sweat?
what binds me still
to you


One year.

One year since the last time I spoke Madonna. Since that last phone call... Her most prolific and final betrayal to me.

... and it was just another day.

She will never know the ongoing revenge I score, every time I wake up in the morning. For living my life, breathing. For having an unrelenting hope, a desire... To find something better than her. To be happy.

I know who and where I am now. More than ever.

Do you?

I hope you read this. Besides the embedded vindictiveness, I am the same person I have always been. I just hope that you fall as far as I will fly someday.

The sad part is... I would grant you the mercy that you could not spare to me.

I am better than what you are. I am better than what we had. Know this, and your eternal reward... shall be, regret.


It hurts to feel the way I do.

On the way home from the movies (Which I, for the first time in my life, went alone) - I thought about something I have written.

"If religion is the opiate of society, then love is the opiate for life" - And it just pains me that I feel that way.



Not sure what to think of this. "Dale" signed my guestbook as of the last entry, and I am not sure if it is a "shot" or not.

Does anybody ever answer you, John?
How are you sleeping these days?

-Feb 02 2002, 02:25 pm

Well. Dropslash then put "Answer" - so here goes.

1. Does anybody ever answer me?

Yes. They do occasionally. And to tell "you" the truth... I love the feedback. I don't write my journal or poetry for anyone in particular. I used to just think that I wrote my page for myself. To just collect my thoughts... But after people started to respond, I didn't mind knowing that I was sharing. Kill me if I want to be read.

I do not have alot of people to talk to. Yes, I have friends, but it is just different...

The past few years have been turbulent in my life. Alot has happened... Even though as I feel the worst has past - Sometimes I just need to get things out. Whether I do that here, or in my poetry.

Like I have constantly said, I am just trying to be honest with myself... To the best degree that I can, knowing that everyone, including me... Lie to themselves. We have to, to get by. And that, to me, is what faith is all about. Anyone remember beLIEve?

2. How am I sleeping these days?

Well, I am not sure how to take this one. If this is something negative... as if I should have guilt... I do not. I have done some very un-JOHN things in the past year or so. Things that make me, looking back... wonder who I was at the time. Doing things just for the sake of doing them. Being with people just because they were there. I am not going to name any names, but I know who the mistakes were. I am done making excuses for it.

I have vowed to not feel guilty, to not regret what has happened. It happened, and nothing I will ever say or do will change it. So I have moved on. Unfortunately, in losing regret, you have to take the good with the bad.

... But if this question is literal.

I am sleeping okay I guess. I stay up on average until 11pm or midnight. Usually I have to get up at 5am, so I do not get what most people would consider adequate sleep. It has always been that way with me, and I usually just "Go" as some people have said.

... Sort of on the same subject. I guess sometimes it would just be nice to not wake up alone.

With all everything coming up, and how I blow things way out of proportion... The way I am with blocks of time. One thing just still puzzles me, after all this time. At some point I had a solid connection with the different women I have loved. Both physically, and emotionally. To me these things do not waver... They are rock solid, permanent. And using that analogy, they can be said to have been eroded over time, but they never leave. The memory of how someone felt, in my heart, and touch. How they felt... These things will never leave me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. How you can have something like that... something you think is going to last forever. Something you KNOW will.

Then it is gone. And you wonder if you will ever feel it again. You wonder, you hope, and you doubt.

...I wrote this earlier today.

i am addicted to
the wounds you inflicted
knowing i will forever bleed
the stigmata on my soul
solace in the fact
you are no more a goddess
than i am a god.

I dunno. I just hope someone isn't flaming my gbook again.


Well, I have been without internet access for the past few days... They shut off our cable modem to "upgrade" our service.

Ummmm... they forgot to send the new modem. Duh. Kind of hard to upgrade with no service....


Anyway... that is all solved now and we are all back online. I am playing Diablo II again... something to do.

... I am also writing again... So I should be posting some new stuff soon.