Not sure what to think of this. "Dale" signed my guestbook as of the last entry, and I am not sure if it is a "shot" or not.

Does anybody ever answer you, John?
How are you sleeping these days?

-Feb 02 2002, 02:25 pm

Well. Dropslash then put "Answer" - so here goes.

1. Does anybody ever answer me?

Yes. They do occasionally. And to tell "you" the truth... I love the feedback. I don't write my journal or poetry for anyone in particular. I used to just think that I wrote my page for myself. To just collect my thoughts... But after people started to respond, I didn't mind knowing that I was sharing. Kill me if I want to be read.

I do not have alot of people to talk to. Yes, I have friends, but it is just different...

The past few years have been turbulent in my life. Alot has happened... Even though as I feel the worst has past - Sometimes I just need to get things out. Whether I do that here, or in my poetry.

Like I have constantly said, I am just trying to be honest with myself... To the best degree that I can, knowing that everyone, including me... Lie to themselves. We have to, to get by. And that, to me, is what faith is all about. Anyone remember beLIEve?

2. How am I sleeping these days?

Well, I am not sure how to take this one. If this is something negative... as if I should have guilt... I do not. I have done some very un-JOHN things in the past year or so. Things that make me, looking back... wonder who I was at the time. Doing things just for the sake of doing them. Being with people just because they were there. I am not going to name any names, but I know who the mistakes were. I am done making excuses for it.

I have vowed to not feel guilty, to not regret what has happened. It happened, and nothing I will ever say or do will change it. So I have moved on. Unfortunately, in losing regret, you have to take the good with the bad.

... But if this question is literal.

I am sleeping okay I guess. I stay up on average until 11pm or midnight. Usually I have to get up at 5am, so I do not get what most people would consider adequate sleep. It has always been that way with me, and I usually just "Go" as some people have said.

... Sort of on the same subject. I guess sometimes it would just be nice to not wake up alone.

With all everything coming up, and how I blow things way out of proportion... The way I am with blocks of time. One thing just still puzzles me, after all this time. At some point I had a solid connection with the different women I have loved. Both physically, and emotionally. To me these things do not waver... They are rock solid, permanent. And using that analogy, they can be said to have been eroded over time, but they never leave. The memory of how someone felt, in my heart, and touch. How they felt... These things will never leave me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. How you can have something like that... something you think is going to last forever. Something you KNOW will.

Then it is gone. And you wonder if you will ever feel it again. You wonder, you hope, and you doubt.

...I wrote this earlier today.

i am addicted to
the wounds you inflicted
knowing i will forever bleed
the stigmata on my soul
solace in the fact
you are no more a goddess
than i am a god.

I dunno. I just hope someone isn't flaming my gbook again.

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