I'm late for purgatory.

Leaving in the morning
I take my heart off my sleeve
and put it back on the shelf
I won't need it where I'm going


On second thought...

On the way home from hanging out with Margarita in Northville, I called Kelly to chat. I don't think it went so well.

I guess sometimes I can tell she entertains an "us" in her voice. We have come to a certain level of playfulness - This wasn't one of those times. This was a "I could give a fuck" conversation, which left a bad taste in my mouth. I am one of those people that need to feel special. I don't take any level of rejection well.

Basically, halfway through I gave up. Surely she could sense the defeated tone in my voice as I rushed to get off the phone.

I hung up, and the thought popped in my head: Maybe she isn't the right person for me right now.

So is that it? I have been asking myself that very same question since.

It isn't going anywhere and fast. Yeah, I want to be her friend and build on it. Fine. However that is where we differ I think. I get to know people that I am interested in - and THAT is the base.

How am I going to feel if she does dump her bf and then not want a relationship with me? How can I be a true "friend" if I always want something more? How am I going to feel if I hear "I don't want this kind of relationship right now" one more time?

She has someone to go home to. I do not. As much as I have tried to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist - she is VERY involved with someone and that is not going to change in the immediate future. So what's the point?

It's not fair to me if I lead myself into believing in something that ISN'T going to happen. Nor if I am led to believe anything. Am I saying she led me on? No.

As much as I enjoyed it - I am beginning to regret kissing her. Not that it was bad, it's just that kind of thing that made me felt special. It's that kind of thing that makes me feel there is the possibility of something more, because I don't throw things around like that lightly (well at least not anymore). It means something to me. I have become the kind of person that can abide to anything as far as relationships go, as long as the rules are set ahead of time. That way no one gets hurt.

Look. I don't hate you Kelly. I know you are going to read this so all I can do is be brutally honest with you, whether that be good or bad. I don't want to fight or bicker about this. I don't want to stop talking to you. I just think the best thing for us to do is put all of the cards on the table and see where we can go from there.

You just have to understand where I am coming from.


Faith, gone from your eyes

"If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker." - Rounders

If you are going to press play - "Easy way to cry" by David Gray
And as I watch you leave I stand
Inside my house of straw
And everywhere I go I find
Things recollecting to my mind
...How right it all could be

What the hell am I doing to myself these days? Why do I subject myself to this off and on, hot and cold connections to the people I care about?

Things have once again cooled off considerably between Kelly and I. Now I am beginning to think I am the only one who was seeing something that wasn't there. I mean, I know that she cares about me, but I am stuck in the middle. She isn't going to dump her boyfriend, regardless.

Even if she did, she has told me that she doesn't want the type of relationship that she thinks I expect from her. I don't expect anything other giving me a shot. If I'm not going to get a shot then should I just call it where it is? Should I just accept this friendship and tell my heart to stop looking ahead?

Just the way things are I am starting to think we resent eachother. That unspoken frustration of treading water. Nothing is going to happen but I can't help thinking about kissing her. What did that mean if neither of us regret it? I guess I have realized that while there may be a grey area, it eventually fades one way or the other... To black, or to white. That is a fact.

All of the alarms are going off within me. Telling me that I am not in love. I have been conditioned to associate love with disappointment, rejection, failure, vulnerability, and pain.

Is this any different?

The only person I can blame is myself. I see and feel things that in hindsight obviously were never there in the first place. I have gotten better at it over the years, but I still see too much potential, and in that contrast I set unrealistic expectations. I breadcrumb myself, and when someone actually gives me reason to believe that something may happen, the sky is falling.

I'm a hypocrite in this fashion. I tell Margarita all the time that a girl being the least bit nice to a guy makes them think that they are interested.

Look at me now.

The things that we talk about... That intimacy of conversation that makes you feel special. Those areas of a "friendship" that makes you feel everything but. The place that you carve out for the two of you, that canvas that differentiates "us" from "them".

What frustrates me the most is that I know for a fact that she cares about me in a way that is not a "friendship". However I don't know what the missing puzzle pieces are, let alone how to find them. I guess those are all in her court, and I don't think any of those obstacles are going to be overcome anytime soon.

So, I don't know what to do anymore.

Slashdotted... again.

I just got slashdotted again. I posted about google's Gmail service that just became available in beta for blogger users. Check it out. This is the second time I have been slashdotted, you can check out the first here.


Ariel has been sprung!

Well she was discharged last monday from the hospital and things are fine.

She looks happy to be home, too. :)


It's complicated.

One of the hardest things on me is caring about someone and not being able to express it.



If you are going to press play "Knife Party" by Deftones

my knife it's sharp and chrome
come see inside my bones
all of the fiends are on the block
I'm the new king
I taste the queen
in here we are all anemic
in here anemic and sweet
so go get your knife
and come in
so go get your knife
and lay down
so go get your knife now kiss me

I can float here forever
in this room we can't touch
the floor in here
we're all anemic
in here anemic and sweet so

Note to self: DO NOT go to fight club when emotionally distraught. I caught two head-butts and a jab in the mouth today (when I should have been defending myself). That and I was just exhausted before I even got there. Just drained. My head wasn't in the game the whole time, and when I sparred Joe and Joel I got spanked. It's not really about competition, but I sucked. Period. I couldn't focus with my head somewhere else.

Where was it? Well due to the unexpected events over the past few days, Kelly was in my life again for an instant. We had not talked in a few weeks.

To make a long story short, and skipping some of the circumstances/details... I kissed her for the first time. To me, that's some kind of spark... That means something, because I don't go throwing that kind of thing around. Now, I'm not going to speak for her, but I don't know why it happened or what it meant to her.

After last night - I'm lost and beaten.

I'm sitting here at my keyboard clueless what to write now, even though I feel that more needs to be said.

I wish I could start at square one with her. I cannot. I can't look at her or deal with her without the years of baggage, rejection, and defense mechanisms coming into play. She doesn't have that and honestly I envy her for it.

You see, I've painted this beautiful picture for the rest of my life as far love goes. In that picture there is a dotted line with a "Insert person here"... the only thing that is missing.

It's my proverbial bible of skewed and unrealistic expectations. In that, I promised myself I would NEVER settle for anything less than absolute perfection. Somewhere in there I set the bar too high.

Just like that, my faith in all of those dreams has been broken. The weight of it has just snapped the backbone of everything I have led myself to believe in. It's not just Kelly either... She just made me realize some things.

You can't paint a picture and expect someone to fit. You have to find a person and paint a picture with them. She, nor any other girl I meet in the future, will be those from my past.

So, I don't know what to do. I give up. I'm a fucking jellyfish right now.

Go ahead-
beat me to death with that shield
that you swear
you are trying to protect me with


Grey area.

I just want to mark tonight as proof to myself that the grey area exists.


Funny how things work out...

I found out tonight that Mollie "...doesn't want a relationship right now" is not only knocked up but now MARRIED.

Also - I have been meeting my father up at the Captain's Pub/Hole in the wall on wednesdays... I find out tonight that my father is getting a divorce from his second wife (my mom being the first, duh) and is moving to Adrian... I got the biggest laugh of the night at the bar:

"Honestly?, I never liked the bitch anyway"


Good News, Bad News

Good news or bad news?

Ok good news: Ariel doesn't have a cyst on her brain as was suspected. Her ventilator setting has been turned down so she doesn't have to rely on it as much.

The bad news: She has a collapsed lung, and a hole in her heart. From what I could gather the doctors at U of M hospital in Ann Arbor acted like this is kind of a routine thing for them. That makes me feel better.



- Nosocomephobia: The fear of hospitals.

I hate hospitals. Besides birth, there is really nothing good about being there. Something has to go wrong in order for you to be there.

My niece Ariel started the day off at Oakwood hospital in Dearborn Heights. She had been in the hospital for the past day or so... I am not 100% sure what the exact issue was... All I know is that she was crashing hard and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. We were called to the hospital.

She was airlifted to University of Michigan hospital in Ann Arbor, a facility better suited for her emergency. I drove so fast I actually saw the helicopter unloading.

After about 8 hours there, she was pronounced stable after being in critical condition all day. She was on a ventilator all day, as apprarently here blood had become deoxygenated. From what I could gather she had a blood transfusion... and was doing much better when I left the ICU.

I have never felt so heartbroken in my entire life. I'm so scared.

The only thing I can do in hospitals is sleep. I have to keep myself distracted or I get severe panic attacks. I played with Logan most of the day, and took a nap. I woke up sweating... Dwelling on stress isn't something I deal with well.

My stomach is still in a knot. I for some reason put on a facade of being calm and strong in these situations, but inside I am just destroyed. My nerves are shot, but the last thing my family needs is to see me break.

Alone in my room though, writing this - it's a different story. I'm sick to my stomach and I have that kind of cold sweat that you can do nothing about... Between the bar last night and all the crying I have done in the past few hours alone here... my eyes feel like they are on fire.

I can't write anymore...


You live, you learn.

This morning my boss called me at 6:30am. I saw who it was and let the phone ring, hoping he would leave a voicemail. Now, I NEVER get saturdays off... However it's still slow at work, and we have to call every day to see if we are working the following day.

I wasn't on the list, but I had to double check. I called it again and sure enough my name was no where to be found. I thought it had to be some kind of emergency (nyko bleeding on pavement, etc.)... So like an idiot I call back.

T: Hello?
Bronto: Heya T, you called?
T: Yeah, you want to work today?
Bronto: *pause*
Bronto: *pause*
Bronto: Ummmm... no?
T: Okay. Cya.

Great. Now I look like I don't want to work. Next time I am just going to let the phone ring. It's SATURDAY, I was out late last night watching the UFC. This morning I made plans to go see HELLBOY.

Above all of that though, my niece Ariel is in the hospital again. So, I am on call. I am not sure 100% of what is going on, however I know she was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday. I hope and pray she will be alright. I love you sweetie.