www.johnnybronto.com

On second thought...

On the way home from hanging out with Margarita in Northville, I called Kelly to chat. I don't think it went so well.

I guess sometimes I can tell she entertains an "us" in her voice. We have come to a certain level of playfulness - This wasn't one of those times. This was a "I could give a fuck" conversation, which left a bad taste in my mouth. I am one of those people that need to feel special. I don't take any level of rejection well.

Basically, halfway through I gave up. Surely she could sense the defeated tone in my voice as I rushed to get off the phone.

I hung up, and the thought popped in my head: Maybe she isn't the right person for me right now.

So is that it? I have been asking myself that very same question since.

It isn't going anywhere and fast. Yeah, I want to be her friend and build on it. Fine. However that is where we differ I think. I get to know people that I am interested in - and THAT is the base.

How am I going to feel if she does dump her bf and then not want a relationship with me? How can I be a true "friend" if I always want something more? How am I going to feel if I hear "I don't want this kind of relationship right now" one more time?

She has someone to go home to. I do not. As much as I have tried to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist - she is VERY involved with someone and that is not going to change in the immediate future. So what's the point?

It's not fair to me if I lead myself into believing in something that ISN'T going to happen. Nor if I am led to believe anything. Am I saying she led me on? No.

As much as I enjoyed it - I am beginning to regret kissing her. Not that it was bad, it's just that kind of thing that made me felt special. It's that kind of thing that makes me feel there is the possibility of something more, because I don't throw things around like that lightly (well at least not anymore). It means something to me. I have become the kind of person that can abide to anything as far as relationships go, as long as the rules are set ahead of time. That way no one gets hurt.

Look. I don't hate you Kelly. I know you are going to read this so all I can do is be brutally honest with you, whether that be good or bad. I don't want to fight or bicker about this. I don't want to stop talking to you. I just think the best thing for us to do is put all of the cards on the table and see where we can go from there.

You just have to understand where I am coming from.