[x]Year In Review 2009.

Song of the year - "Uprising" by Muse (The Resistance)

They will not force us, they will stop degrading us...
They will not control us, we will be victorious...

Well, well, well. It's been a while, my dear readers. I haven't posted anything on my website since September. I have missed you and writing for you.

Some of you are well aware of what has transpired this over the last 12 months. Some of you know part of the story, some of you know all of it. I know my tag line for 2009 was "Johnny Bronto Takes Over The World" but it turned out of be "The World Takes Over Johnny Bronto". 2009 saw me overwhelmed in more than one situation. This was my best year creatively, which isn't surprising considering.

I really wish I could be more forthcoming to you. However, for one of the first times in the history of my journal - these will stay my private disasters.

Let me put it this way - the phoenix in me finally died. I cannot burn with reckless abandon anymore. That part of me is gone.

Normally I would go through my resolutions of last year - however being that I completely failed at every single one of them, I will skip it. I tend to get caught up in myself and my life. This year I found myself absolutely lost.

Sigh. I really wish I could just come out and say it. I really wish I could just have full disclosure here. How strong I was at some points, how absolutely pathetic I was at others. This past year stretched me to my limits, and I cannot wait until it is over.

I learned a lot this year:

The grass is never greener...
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
The quarry has to be worth the chase...
People do NOT change...
You cannot save someone if they have no interest in being saved... (see above)

Here are my thank you notes:

Thank you to my family for supporting me. Mom, you are the best.
Thank you to Margarita for being an angel and literally saving me from the brink.
Thank you to Jenn for listening to me.
Thank you to Joe for writing a book that brought me back to orb.
Thank you to Noel for everything you've done for me. You are the best.
Thank you to Nicole A for not letting me make any more excuses for them.
Thank you to Jessired for being a fellow ginger and a great talker.
Thank you to all of my ex-EBG co-workers for being awesome, I miss you all.
Thank you to all of the certain A's that were muses and sirens.
Thank you to Michelle for Z, and still talking to me even though I don't deserve it.
Thank you to everyone I may have forgotten to list here. It's 3:25am

I have high hopes for 2010. Here are my resolutions...

1. Peace and Quiet - 2009 was too loud. I'm 31.
2. Stability - No more fluctuations.
3. Progress - This T-Mobile thing will work itself out one way or another...
4. Creativity - I would like to start my first book this year.
5. Path - I know where I've been, I just want to know where I am going.

2010 - A little island called hope.


[x]The bullet and the phoenix.

the broken pieces of me
this pathetic offering
head down and cupped hands
whatever is left is yours
above all other things
it breaks my heart
to have to tell you that I'm not perfect

longing for the day
when this is all over
i will be out of this haunted house
and she will just be another predecessor
with the epilogue and moral
that the quarry
should be worth the chase
because I don't know
what I would have done
even if I had caught her

she warned me of the knife
that she held when I embraced her
she's evil and apathetic
the way quicksand could be called malicious
she leaves me to die
forever to swear
that it was my doing all along

my angel will always
have one percent of me
and this bar
she sets it so unfairly
for the rest of the world
and all of the love that I will ever have

what good is a hero
to a damsel in distress
that doesn't want to be saved
the roles we played
nothing more than the fabrications
of a poor soul
that made the grave error
of just wanting to be more for her

out of options
this all encompassing void
backs me to a cliff
this cinematic leap
of sheer lack of faith
saved by my angel
grabbing my wrist
showing me what a siren really is

depending on who you ask
she killed me
or I killed myself
the eyewitnesses live on
if only to know the truth of it
I am free finally
to exist and believe
somewhere in between
the bullet and the phoenix

the karma line of credit
and the ghost of you
our crosses to bear
I suffer this truce
only because
I don't have the energy to surrender anymore


[x]Just like that.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --- Albert Einstein

Just like that - I'm free.

You know I spent the last 5 months trying to find the right combination of words/actions to unlock her heart. Nothing worked. The war was fought and completely devastated me. I have never put so much effort into a situation to try and make it work before. Everything I wrote for her, everything I did... Nothing so much as made a scratch. She would be the first to tell you that it didn't, either.

Some of the best poetry I have ever written was for her.

I was imprisoned by my frustration, and it turns out she just unlocked the door for me to escape loving her.

She posted that quote on facebook and it finally hit me. I'm the one that believe in miracles. I'm the one who believes in something greater than myself.

She is, was, and always will be the anti-scorpio.


[x]This has got to die, this has got to stop.

Relevant - "Elephant" by Damien Rice (O)

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me


[x]Sometimes I wish I could turn my heart/brain off.

we lay together
in this bed we've made
both for the same warmth and comfort
but under different blankets
you are all wrapped up in the present
while I surround myself in the future
my heart and hands now unsteady
as I try to find you somewhere in between

i cannot sleep again
this bed is barren without you in it
this house is empty
every time i return and you are not here
merely a convenience
to live in a place
that is never home without you

the absolute torture
of being left to wonder
i try to possess my siren
while she will not be caught
even though we both see the rocks now
i press on
hoping with my entire heart
that at some point this will give her pause

we come from different places
and i know you are trying
trying to speak my language
with my ego i like to think myself exempt
though you are away too much now
and you may not realize
that i am trying to relax and accept
but i can only blame myself
was i that fleeting?

i long for your lips
to kiss me, to speak to me
for your eyes to look at me
the way they used to
maybe this fairy tale is over
and we are just
going through the motions
i just can't seem to let go
of what we used to be

i am only myself without you
while together we seem to be much more
and could be greater still
i bide my time
while my heart allows me to hang on
you're slipping away
if you haven't already
as we fall into routine
away from what was
and away from what could be

just being around you
is like a drug
an addiction
that leads to withdrawal
that high
replaced with loneliness and doubt and pain
i go from special to mundane
if i make you happy
then why are you gone?



when you are gone
you always feel further away
than you really are
take my heart with you when you go
i don't want to feel anything
when you leave me alone
without you



It's really hard to tell someone that you don't want them to contact you anymore. Especially after you realize that you do really miss them in your life, and that deep down you still love them and wish that somehow it could work out.

Jessica called (drunk dialed) me a bit ago for the first time since October. The conversation was at the very least odd but it opened up an old wound in me. After that long of no communication between us, I was doing fine. In an out of sight, out of mind kind of way I was doing better. Then she called and everything came crashing down.

I realize now that I do miss her in my life, and I miss being with her. It's just unfortunate that things played out they way that they have. It was really hard to tell her that we shouldn't talk anymore. I do still love her and I miss what we had in the time that we were in the same place.

Due to recent situations, I now know the value of having something... tangible.

I try not to regret moving down here. My life has improved vastly in ways that she will never understand. With the original plan she should have been down here by now and we should have been starting our life together.

So, Jessica if you are reading this. I'm sorry. I really am and if there was any way that we could have made it work I would have been willing to try.


[x]detriment and eloquence part I.

I haven't posted anything lately. Any normal thoughts anyway. If you are, in fact reading this... everything over the past month has been poetry and song lyrics.

I'm so lost.

It all started with a kiss. Then I couldn't sleep (literally) for weeks. I have gone through every possible emotion in every possible combination since. From the greatest elation to having that sick feeling in my stomach from having my heart broken. From being filled to the brim in my heart, to having it so empty that it feels like my very soul is bleeding out from the hole...

The things I have written in the past month... I've been writing for as long as I can remember, and some of these are the best I have ever written. My masterpiece. Some of those have been beyond anything I've ever been able to say.

Sometimes I am left with the feeling that it's been a waste. My great strides haven't so much made a dent in her. I doubt it ever will. I am at a loss as to how to get through.

You would think being eloquent and articulate would be a good thing. Most people I know do not have any outlet for artistic expression. In any form. They just keep themselves bottled up, or fall into various vices to get by.

It's the eloquence that is destroying me.

You will never understand what it's like to be so in touch with how you feel that you can actually put it into words. On top of that, having everything you ever write becoming some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When I write, it's not just words on paper. It's admitting things to myself.

I give a little part of myself into everything I write. Now I've given to much.

It's not a gift. It's a curse.


[x]my devastating nights, my peaceful mornings

these simple mornings
i follow you with my eyes
wondering if you notice
this scene glossed in peace
a contrast
to my devastating nights
that you'll never know
where you are here but not mine
blissful in your sleep

warm is the only word for all of this
please give in
let me have my ignorance for now
i am always yours
yet these are the few and only hours
where you are mine as well
leaving me with a kiss on the cheek
and when you are gone
reality takes your place


[x]Feels a lot like sorrow...

Relevant - "Happiness" by The Fray

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar



Here goes nothing...

your words should hurt
but your eyes that wound me the most
they betray you
every time you look at me
and so do your lips
when they say two different things
and here i stand
defeated by you yet again

the colors you bring
to my otherwise mundane hours
i'll keep my promise
and love them instead
as long as it takes
as long as we're comfortable
you, my muse
and i, your clay

you expose every weakness in me
without even trying
i look down
and all of my armor is gone
i used to be so proud of it -
in your presence i cannot help but yield
when you intoxicate me so

fierce, though delicate in our actions
our present
sullied by their pasts
every kiss laced in caution
and i'm just not sure
whether you're more dangerous
when you're here with me
or when you're gone

these touches
all of the contact met with a pause
as if we absent-mindedly
fight for every extra second of contact
all of this hesitation
and i wonder
if when i'm gone you can still feel my fingertips upon you
as i can still feel your hair on my face...


you do your worst
not even on purpose
leaving me to wonder
all of my affections absorbed
how it kills me
to have every thought, every feeling of mine
another leap of faith

i'm sorry this all falls short
of what i'm trying to say
i'll bleed myself dry if i have to
to find the words
because i can't take it
when my muse
seems incapable of blushing
how do i make you feel beautiful?

what do you see
when you look at me like that?
i would give anything to know
what you are thinking
what's behind those eyes right now
because i try to show you where i am
and you leave me so very lost

am i affecting you right this second
as you read this?
are you breathing
or holding your breath?
this is my torture
not being able to feel the words enter you
and where they go from there...

your control
mixed with my restraint
tears me apart
do what you want with me
it's what i want
all i can do is yield
if you won't show me where you are hidden

just for a moment in this crowd
we are alone
our gaze locked
and you're so close
that i can't even breathe
i close my eyes
the world goes away
and when i finally open them-
it takes everything i have not to kiss you...


[x]Lie to me, angel.

Relevant - "The planets bend between us" by Snow Patrol (A Hundred Million Suns)

You slip into my arms
and you quickly correct yourself...

My favorite line in the SIN CITY books is in "Family Values", page 39.

...Lie to me, Angel.


my assumptions mirrored
I can't stop myself
when we are both in the dark
never knowing the how
yet certain as to the why


[x]Beautiful women.

I don't know what happened.

This last week has brought a surge of inspiration into my life. I am so overloaded with things to say that none of it is coming out coherently. It's just spilling over.

I'm not in love with any particular one of them, yet I'm in love with all of them. It had to be an issue with allowing myself to let them inspire me. I guess I spent a bit of time hiding under the radar, and now I have turned a corner.

My roots have started to take hold. I matter to people now down here, and they matter to me.

I'm over Jessica. I don't love her anymore, nor is that "Last person I loved" vestige hanging over my head like a cloud. That negative energy is gone from my life, permanently. For a while there I was extremely lonely. I think that was because I was spending too much time alone.

Yet I have all of these wonderful women around. Beautiful, interesting, and positive people. I have opened myself up to them, friendship and otherwise. I have them around me every day, and my eyes have been opened to appreciating it finally.

I have them, but they are not MINE.

Now I realize that you don't choose your muse(s), they choose you. That's comforting. They are all so... different, yet each of them appeals to some aspect of my personality, light and dark.

I just wish I could sleep with all of this buzzing in my head.

So, women of my life - thank you.


[x]villain am i not.

my fingers drift aimlessly over her
my mind wandering much the same
and i cannot sleep
when i try to pinpoint
how we are so much more
than the sum of our broken parts


[x]Happy Single Person Awareness Day!

Relevant - "The Perfect Ending" by Straylight Run

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings.

Well, we skipped a year last year (technically) but I am back in the vast lonely ocean of single life. At least I am lucky enough to be surrounded by such beautiful girls.




the tension pains us so
to suffer certainty
the air thick with anticipation
we devour, we consume eachother
the wanting
justified in how wrong we are
scorching the world
until all of the oxygen is burned away
just for one moment in our pocket reality
we are eternal



the sadness
makes her even more beautiful
if that was even possible
yet she wears it with such grace
so much so
that it intimidates me

she curls up to me
when the night is over
to hug and say goodbye
i hold you in my arms
and it kills me
to realize how perfectly you fit in them

she look in my eyes
and in that moment
i don't know what it is about you
i just know i'm in love
because of the pain i feel
when not betraying your trust


[x]Favorite Songs #1-5.

Well, this is it. These are my absolute favorite songs. I am really bummed about not finding a video for #3 though.

1. "3 libras" by A perfect Circle
I cannot listen to this song without getting goosebumps. When I was a mess, this song really helped me.

You don't see me at all...

2. "Dirty Epic" by Underworld
This song is party of my history. We would drive around, listening to this tape - and she would listen to me sing it in a low voice. We were reckless and in love.

and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel dirty.
and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel...so...shaken in my faith.

3. "Love to Sleep" by She Wants Revenge
It's funny how a song can capture a snapshot in time. It fits her perfectly and what we were perfectly. I kissed, her, but it wasn't love.
(Well apparently I cannot find a youtube or mtv video because this was an unreleased B-side. Please visit my profile at http://www.myspace.com/thedeadpixel and listen to my play list. Right now it is the default song, but will be listed there as long it is available. Lame.)
If it's really such a bad thing,
Then whys it feel so right.

4. "Perfect Blue Buildings" by Counting Crows
I fell in love with the Counting Crows during the summer institute at Easter Michigan in 1994. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I could always relate to Adam Duritz and his writing style.

I got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
There's a skeleton in every man's house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody
There's a dead man trying to get out
Please help me stay awake, I'm falling...

5. "Knife Party" by Deftones
This song was a catalyst for the sudden realization of what relationships really are.

So go get your knife
And come in
So go get your knife
And lay down
So go get your knife now kiss me


[x]Favorite Songs #6-10.

Now that I am in my top 10 songs, I would really like to post a description of what they mean to me...

6. "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur
I first heard Joseph Arthur on the 1 year anniversary of 9/11. On 89x they played "In The Sun" which really hit me (wonderful song), and this is my favorite song of his. Joseph Arthur's music forever changed me, restoring much of the compassion in me that I feared was gone forever.

So strange
Like the one who saved you
Is the one you say you'll blame
Could you follow me down
With a love like yours
I don't know if i'm able
To keep my feet on the ground
With a mind like mine you know it's never stable.

7. "Barbarella" by Scott Weiland
Scott Weiland has always been one of my favorite singers, and I have always been a huge fan of Stone Temple Pilots. The way he takes all of the ugly things he's dealt with and make them beautiful, it's amazing.

Come and save me from my misery
Can't you see it's a disease
Shoot the bad guys
and I'll gladly sing a tune for you
Lost in space- we could be free

8. "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead
This song still affects me every time I hear it. I have had so many "She looks like the real thing" moments in my life, though none have yet to pan out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
and it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out

9. "Lost!" by Coldplay
This is probably one of the best pick-me-up songs ever. This is one of the newer songs on the list, and it helped me when I was wavering down here.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost!

10. "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
If my life were a movie, this would probably play in the closing credits. The refrain on the beginning of the album version is surreal, though I could not find a good video that reflects it.

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now


[x]Favorite Songs #11-15.

11. "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

12. "Run" by Snow Patrol

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

13. "Standing outside a broken telephone booth with money in my hand" by Primitive Radio Gods

I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

14. "Time is running out" by Muse

You will be the death of me
Yeah, you will be the death of me

15. "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (Also as performed by Johnny Cash)

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end


[x]Favorite songs #16-20.

Music has always been a huge part of who I am. My interests are all over the place as far as genres go. I want you to listen to these, because I think it will give you a better picture of who I am. Here are my favorite songs, #16-20. I will be posting the others in the future.

16. "Obstacle 1" by Interpol

It's in the way that she walks,
her heaven is never enough

17. "I hate it too" by Hum

And she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there.

18. "A stroke of luck" by Garbage

You say that you'll be there to catch me
Or will you only try to trap me
These are the rules I make

19. "Grey room" by Damien Rice

Well I've been here before
Sat on a floor in a grey grey mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write is a grey grey tune

20. "Alien" by Bush

And she comes to take me away
She's all that I needed
I don't breathe another lover


[x]Do you know the way that I can't lose?

Relevant - "Tear" by The Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore)

Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?

If I have one regret, it was never kissing you in the field that night...


[x] The Spoils...

Relevant - "Normal like you" by Everclear (So much for the afterglow)

Tell me why you want to be blind
I don't want to be normal like you
I know now every day
I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be complacent
Yes I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be sedated*

*This is the best video I could find for this song.

Lately I have rediscovered Everclear, a band I was really into in the 90's (wow, depressing to even say that). I had their first two major albums on repeat for my recent stint back in World of Warcraft. I have since then walked away after I did all of the new quests for the expansion. I would really like to play with some of my friends but our schedules don't really match up. That, and I just can't sink in the time required for endgame raiding. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.

Things are going somewhat well. My job is going really well...

I wrote something for the first time in a while.

I like to think
we haunt eachother
now that we're both gone
my name still on your lips
as your name left on mine