[x]To me, from the past.

When I went to my reunion last night, I was handed my "Time Capsule" that I put together my senior year. I had completely forgotten about it. These were the contents:

1. My senior pictures - man was I skinny.
2. A few MAGIC cards, and a heresy card
3. An INQUEST magazine picture of a vampire eating a dove
4. 5 baseball rookie cards - none of which turned out to be stars (damn)
5. A flyer for 20 Mine playing at "The Zone" - Zac's band
6. A flyer for MY BOY OTTO playing at HUNKA PALUNKA - my band in high school.
7. 2 Pictures from my senior prom - Melissa and I
8. A picture from the 1994 Easter Michigan summer institute - 3 roomates + me
9. A picture of Christy Hall on the steps at my house in River Rouge
10. A jaguar journal - school paper with senior wills

John Lipscomb wills Jamie - Kindred, easy classes, leftover assignments, a car. Mike - slurpees (hitting a car at 7-11), mutual, c/show, bashing, Hootie, MBO, Camp. Jimmy - Detroit, Eazy-E (**** my baby's mama), who dat, ronald's room. Nick - clockwork orange, hotNnow, Foodland, Paul - Barton labatt, ooooooh Charlie. Noel - spring break girls. Bill - Meijers, MBO, Beohs, Dave T. - malls, track, redheads. Jamie F. -Tom- nice people blow. Steve -newt, ch.1, republicans. Senior girls (w/exceptions): my body. Melissa - Chuck E Cheese, Pez. Doug - Chemistry, Autos. Candice-Missy - whiteboys, Buick's, taco bell. Tim - Ginapolis, christened Hooters, Rudy. Beth- Solitaire, Jeremy-Zac- the hill, the zone. Bratten-Lee- Dukes of Hazzard.

... whatever that all means.

I kind of thumbed through it all there, but when I opened it at home I discovered this gem...

11. A handwritten note from myself in 1996 to myself in 2006.

SHELLY LOGSDON is the hottest girl in your school.

My Boy Otto logo 5-30-96

Your football team went to the silverdome.

Dear John (Mr. Lipscomb)

Well, if you're not dead, it should be 2006. Right now you were 17 years old, just finished high school. You are single as usual. Your best friends are Dave Trionfi, Mike Gillespie, and Paul Barton. You hang out with Nick McTurner.

You work at Foodland in the produce section. You move out at teh end of August to go to EMU. You have been in love with Melissa Magusin all year but she had to be a beooh (beyotch) and ditch you at prom. You at this time can not go a day without thinking about Christy Hall or the summer institute in 1994. Your favorite band is THE SMASHING PUMPKINS, and favorite song is "I hate it too" by HUM. John please don't have screwed up your life. You should be a teacher by now. Hopefully married with a kid or two. Say hi to your wife for me. You are a chronic shoplifter.

Right now you are so filled with pain and lonliness it fucking sucks. You are now learning from your mistakes - SO DON'T MAKE THEM AGAIN! Maybe now you will think love doesn't suck. You won't want to be a vampire anymore.

Right now you are sitting in the kitchen with an EMU hat on and a "Zero" t-shirt on. Just for my sanity remember who you were.

To the future,

John K. Lipscomb II

p.s. you were a virgin when you wrote this HAHA


[x]Alright, Alright. I was wrong.

You know, Tracy called me out earlier today.

Who was all of that animosity directed towards, anyway? I guess it was me.

... I ended up enjoying myself. No, really. There were alot more people there than I thought I would know, and everyone seemed pretty cool.

So, I will own up to my mistake. Sometimes I just get an idea in my head and it gets kind of distorted - like a mental game of telephone where I am the only player. Try stacking 10 years on that.

[x]10 year re-disillusion.

Well, today is my 10 year high school reunion... I'm not sure I could be less excited. I really don't feel like going at all, let alone dressing up and driving all the way down there.

I just don't care.

The only reason I am going is because this is one of those "Once in a lifetime" things. Would really hate to regret not going *rolls eyes*

There isn't anyone I'm dying to see. Hell, I don't even know 95% of the people on the list who are going. I only went there for 2 years, and coupled with the out of sight out of mind way I live my life - it will just be a bunch of strangers pretty much.

My "best friends" from high school I haven't talked to pretty much since graduation. I didn't grow up in the city - so I don't have those long ties with anyone. Few are the friends I have that are actually FROM Allen Park these days, and the vast majority of those are in another graduation year.

The 4 or 5 people I actually see from time to time will be there. Sweet.

All this is going to be is a just a measuring stick. How awesome is my life vs. everyone else? How much money do I make, what do I drive.

That used to bother me. I used to feel like I failed in the standards everyone else seemed to set for me. That did nothing but bring me down for a very long time.

I'm beyond all of that now. I'm not going to let some city or someone define who I am, who I was, or who I should be. Honestly if any of them let anyone do that I feel sorry for them. Because that's really pathetic.


It's all going to be fake. Everyone make sure you dress up in your best masks. Hopefully I won't be on the only one that has thrown mine away.



Well, I am officially 28.

Out of curiosity, I looked up who I share my birthday with:

Danny DeVito, RuPaul, Martin Scorsese, Daisy Fuentes (hot), Lorne Michaels, Tom Seaver, Gordon Lightfoot, Isaac Hanson, Sophie Marceau (hot), Louis XVIII, Flavius Claudius Julianus... and obviously many, many more people.

So happy birthday everyone, we share the coolest birthday.


[x]control as a defense mechanism.

I turn 28 unofficially in just under 2 hours (not sure what hour I was born in) - I wonder when I will actually start feeling old.

I haven't really posted anything serious in a while. It's not as if my life has gotten dull or anything - I've just been at a loss at how to explain what I am going through.

Alot of time has been spent here talking about what people "did to me" and how that has turned me into who I am today. Most of the time I looked at all of it as some kind of evolution. Growing into a stronger person.

Right now I am looking at what I have written and I know what comes next, I really do. I just don't want to say it. Because if I admit it I can't use it as an excuse anymore.

It's never what people do to you, it's what you let happen.

I've really made an effort to stop leaving things to whims and chances. Fate is such a romantic concept - which I believe in. It's just hard sometimes when you put your faith in something that never comes to fruition.

So, I've tried to be cold. I've tried to be the bad guy and asshole. I will admit, it's empowering. Confidence was something I haven't had in forever.

In my last relationship, I felt like I was in the driver's seat the entire time. There is this theory I have put together about relationships - someone always has the power over the other... Previously the women in my life had the power over me - mostly because I let them have it.

To her, I was hot and cold at will. It's a dangerous game to play if you try to control your emotions at all times. At some points it seemed like I was so far away even when she was right there - and I was screaming at myself to stop being so inhuman. We both had our faults, which we took out on eachother... Due to recent events I have disregarded her into irrelevance save one thing - it taught me an important lesson.

It wasn't her breaking up with me, it was me letting the relationship die. I didn't at any point give it a chance. Preferred to keep it restricted to what it was - convenience.

That's a horrible thing to say. Which is my point. All of that false confidence I told myself I had attained - it was all empty and false.

I can write about living in a castle, having armor around my soul, barb wire around my heart - The realization was that I put it there. Because growing up isn't about evolving - it's about finding out who you truly are.

At one point I realized there are no forks in the road, just one path that I was meant to walk. So there's really no point in worrying about the past, because some of those roads just ended up close and detoured, whereas others I just never got on.

Some people's paths cross over another persons. Due to recent events, it has also occurred to me that sometimes those roads you thought were long gone run right back into yours. These things happen.

The tricks is not to lament the moments that are gone, but to see them coming and snatch them right out of the air. You have to take what's in front of you.

Sometimes you just have to kiss the girl.

Lately I have been much better with everything. I'm confident, because there isn't a reason not to be. There is even a bit of ego too.


[x]The silence and space in between.

Relevant - "Vienna" by The Fray (How to save a life)

There's really no way to reach me... Because I'm already gone

Inspiration defaults into striking...

You're so far away
but I can feel you thinking
and this intermission
this violent calm and uproar
is the loudest silence I have ever heard.

I have to save you
take the plunge-
so I'll be the bad guy
so when it comes down to it
if necessary you can blame me
Not everything that feels so good is right.
and not everything that feels so wrong is bad.

In this afterthought
trying to rationalize
over my head
yet the most frightening thing
I can't seem to wear my mask around you -
making an honest man of me.

[x]The complication of simplicity.

What are you thinking about?

I'm still a bit stunned from last night.


[x]you know.

relevant - "You know what you are" by Nine Inch Nails (With Teeth)

Don't you fucking know what you are.

and now some of mine:

Our relationship driven
fueled by animosity
Our embrace
hands on eachother's throats
Love is not loathing.


[x]divine abyss.

I feel as though I have seen God
but I cannot remember what I saw
Though I have the answer
I have forgotten the question.



relevant - "Weapon" by Matthew Good

Careful, be careful
Careful, be careful
This is where the world drops off
Where the world drops off
Careful, be careful
You breathe in and you breathe out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
And you give in
And you give out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it again

and now some Nietzsche:

"He who fights against monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster in the process. And when you stare persistently into an abyss, the abyss also stares into you."


[x]the calm and the malcontent.

Relevant - "Kiss on the mouth" by Our Lady Peace

this swagger
stumbling in disguise
walking in a straight line
a focus to hide
all this writhing within
denial, discord

pained and malcontent
gnashing my teeth in the shadows
i've convinced myself there is
in fact, power here
don't you understand?
i need this sword for peace

your lips and mine
separate only by the tension
as we pause in this moment
where the world doesn't exist
it never did
only you and I matter

we can leave it all behind
right now
shed our skin and masks and reality
i know you're lost right now
because I can see it
reflecting in your eyes