[x]The crow said don't look!

Relevant - "To Heal" by Underworld (Oblivion with bells)

Something happened today. I would like to think after so long that I would have been prepared, yet the scope of this has overwhelmed me. Due to the numbness I would say my defense mechanisms are firing just fine. The last door I left (slightly cracked) in Michigan just closed.

The best metaphor for all of this would be slowly working up an immunity to some lethal poison that you know someday you'd have to take.

I knew this was coming. I'm a mess right now, because there are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions running through me. Which, due to recent events, pretty much takes precedence over this whole last month in the grand scope of things... How trivial had I let things become?

So, thank you for that, at least.

Even as I am writing this, I can feel something break within me. I used to know what love really felt like, I used to know passion and fire. How long have I been gone? All of a sudden this whole last decade has just snapped into focus for me. Physically, emotionally, and artistically I feel like I have been on the outside looking in.


such a strange world
to lay this final ghost to rest
the rites are my reprieve
this mind over matters
numb and logic
my saving grace

a familiar reality
that was never meant to exist
i'll give that happiness back
to that other version of me
i don't need it anymore

nights like this
the loneliness
under a magnifying glass
in the sun i'll be ashes

i just had to know
even though
we are dealt only so much soul
yet i spend a third
when the murder told me not to look

even as the void embraces me
it has to look away
it may or may not be okay it says
i won't say i told you so
but i'm here for you
if you need me
my old friend
as it shoves me back into the light

i've always felt
if pull this last dagger i'll bleed out
as i take it out i wonder
did this damn or save me?
i don't know
am i finally trapped
or finally free
the only thing left within
burning with a long lost roar
this november blood


[x]De-evolve, and Co-Ex-ist.

Relevant - "Obstacle 1" by Interpol (Turn on the bright lights)

It's different now that I'm poor and aging, I'll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck

It's in the way that she posed,
it's in the things that she puts in my head
Her stories are boring and stuff.
She's always calling my bluff.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
I said she puts the weights into my little heart.

It's in the way that she walks
Her heaven is never enough
She puts the weights in my heart
She puts, oh she puts the weights into my little heart.


So I have decided that I want to get out there and find someone. The thing is, I know there is a certain amount of time and preparation that needs to go by before I am ready. When you spend so long co-existing in a relationship (or at least the semblance of one) - you adopt a duality of identity. You are not defined by who you are anymore, as you evolve into a hybrid of a shared personality.

When that's all over, that former partnership isn't who you are. You have to devolve and redefine/re-establish yourself as an individual. No one wants someone who is on the "rebound" per se (well maybe some do), and to be honest I think I would be cheating them if I brought baggage into something new. That duality is not who I am anymore. All of the accounts, emotional and otherwise - need to be settled befor a new venture. I need to be my own person. I need to make sure that I am free.

I know if I wanted to, I could go out and find someone to "pass the time", but really - what's the point? I have too much respect for women, too much respect for MYSELF. They deserve better of me, and I of them. I am a much more attractive person, inside and out - when I am not saddled with the ghosts of disappointment. I wear it all on my sleeve, and sometimes I just don't want people to see. There is a difference in telling yourself that you are ready, and believing/knowing that you are ready. My life has become more and more about faith, coupled with logic. My hands are steady, and there is no trace of the erratic.

So, lately - I have been diving headlong back into writing, novels, music, and cinema. These are my first loves, and they never fail to inspire. Sometimes you just have to rediscover what defines you as an individual, so you can then find what similar interests are shared with others. I have recently discovered that you need more than "having eachother in common".

Emotionally, I no longer desire to look back at where I've been. I just need to look ahead to where I am going.


[x]Terms of my surrender.
I'll let you have the last word
to let your contempt be a catalyst
defeated as I am
my silence
will be the terms of my surrender


[x]Mind over matters.

Relevant - "Another Door Closes" by Jont

Oh can't you see we're all crashing, in slow mo
Holding to this wheel we know
What's the use, don't want to be sleeping too long
Why can't we try to fly ourselves back to an old skin
Making do is no way to live
What's the use, we're only here
Then we're gone, gone, gone

Events seems to align themselves, sharing tones in myopic terms. Sometimes I don't know which way is up, when I have to balance what is with what could be. You figure the opposite of an upward slope is a downward spiral... These are the times when I feel those cancel each other out. I need someone to calibrate my empathy, lately I'm not sure why I feel what I feel, or lack thereof. My words are read, but do you really understand them?

your words
and my defense wounds
if anything i hide it too well
your words still hurt
though for my sake i cannot concede
i can't give in
because you'll never understand
how you've left me bloodied
how hard it is to know that i still love you
and have to say goodbye



Relevant - "Lost!" by Coldplay (Viva La Vida)

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost

I promised myself that I wouldn't drag the negative energy down here with me when I moved. When I did decide to move to Florida, right around this time last year - my life was all of a sudden filled with positive energy and hope for the future. For the first time in my life, I started to look forward, instead of looking back. I had the support of my family and friends, because I think deep down they knew this was best for me. Jessica and I had gotten back together, with the plan of her moving down here after getting sorted up there. Needless to say she didn't quite make the finish line.

I swear to God every day I can't believe I'm in Florida. It's been 9+ months and I am still here. This is the longest I have ever been away from home, in my entire life. Sometimes I grow so homesick that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I miss my family so much that just writing this chokes me up. I know they miss me so much, and I carry around the guilt of not getting to see my nephews and niece grow up. God I miss them so much. Every time I get to talk to Logan or Ariel on the phone, or even David (not quite the talker yet) it tears me apart. I doubt I will ever have children... but I always took solace in watching them grow up. Now I will never be able to do even that. I just hope they don't forget me and how much I love them. I really hope David grows up to know that he has an uncle Johnny too.

In the wake of what I've sacrificed, I still believe I'm here for a reason. My motto has been "Life's all about having things to look forward to" and I keep myself busy. Work keeps me mentally busy, and I try to fill as much of the day as possible with whatever I can to not let myself dwell on everything. It's how I get through the day. Noel, Mike, My work friends, the Bartons... it helps having people around who care about you here. I wouldn't be able to this on my own, so thanks to all of you. Especially to Noel. Who would have though my unofficial little brother would carry me so far?

So, day to day - mostly I am fine. Lately, I have lost my way. I still stumble, I still look back. Especially over the last few weeks with Jessica, she has surely tested my faith. There's just so much more at work in the grand scope of things, and that is what I believe in. You have to have faith that regardless of your sins and failures, that you can find redemption somewhere.

I have always been a believer in signs. I believe in many things, including Karma. I have seen it happen, trust me. I have never gone into my religious beliefs here (don't worry I am sure one day I will) but faith has always been a part of me. I believe because my intuition has never failed me. It's my gift.

The thing is, they are always there and most times I like most do not pay them any heed.

I don't really pray (save for a few occasions) in the traditional sense. I have these one-way conversations with myself, where I try to work things out logically. These are held when I am driving around, or laying in bed at night (Believe me, it's less weird than it sounds) - and usually whatever it is is left out there for the fates to decide.

About two months ago, I was completely lost. Work was just treading water, I was horribly homesick, and extremely lonely. I was beginning to fall into some of my old habits of hiding again, and not taking care of myself.

One night I was lying in bed, and I just started to have this mental conversation on whether I should stay, or move home. I tried to weigh the pros and cons of both, and was left completely torn down the middle. I just needed a nudge, one way or the other...

The next day, I won the cruise. Which was at that time was a month or so in the future. Boom - a reason to stay, even if just for a little longer. Something to look forward to. Honestly, I didn't even try to win that contest, I just happen to.

When I asked Jessica to go, it just felt right - and necessary. I could never justify up until she actually got here other than "It's something I thought she would enjoy" but looking back I see now why I did bring her. Funny, because no one approved (especially my mom) of my decision (being that we had the messy breakup beforehand) but I didn't even flinch. I didn't know it at the time, but this was my way of seeing if there was anything left in our relationship. There isn't. This was to remind me why we aren't together. It's sad, and I do love her - but it had all run its course, and now it's time for the both of us to move on. I wish her nothing but the best, because she deserves to, and will - find happiness. I just had to know for sure, and now I do.

The latest of the signs stems from my favorite song of all time - "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle. I have been in love with this song since I first heard it around 2001. Around that time, I got the APC cd for free for working for Border's in the music department. Coincidence? The song always makes me feel better when I listen to it, and the "You don't see me, you don't see me at all" lines I can especially relate to.

Sometimes, you just have to look for the signs. How about this one, (3) of the most beautiful girls I have ever met and worked with - Shelley, Andrea, and Jessica - have 3 consecutive birthdays this week, the 14th, 15th, and 16th. 3 libras in the same place, at the same time... all a part of my life as friends.

How's that for a sign?


[x] The new muse

The thing about a muse is,  
they inspire you out of desire -
because what you always want most
is that which you can never have
I believe I have found a new muse... though I am going to keep this one secret.  There's no telling how deep the damage could be.
"Replacement" doesn't really work in meaning, though it does in function.  I'm going to move on from the former, because there's nothing left to say, let alone write.  It's been almost a year since we have last spoken.
I have spent the last few days wondering what it is about a girl that inspires me...  It is the wanting to rise above and be a better person.  It's the attraction, or the impossibility of the whole thing.  She's the most beautiful girl I have ever met.  So much so that I find myself intimidated, for the first time in my life.
I'm completely fascinated.