www.johnnybronto.com

[x]De-evolve, and Co-Ex-ist.

Relevant - "Obstacle 1" by Interpol (Turn on the bright lights)

It's different now that I'm poor and aging, I'll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck

It's in the way that she posed,
it's in the things that she puts in my head
Her stories are boring and stuff.
She's always calling my bluff.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
I said she puts the weights into my little heart.

It's in the way that she walks
Her heaven is never enough
She puts the weights in my heart
She puts, oh she puts the weights into my little heart.

***

So I have decided that I want to get out there and find someone. The thing is, I know there is a certain amount of time and preparation that needs to go by before I am ready. When you spend so long co-existing in a relationship (or at least the semblance of one) - you adopt a duality of identity. You are not defined by who you are anymore, as you evolve into a hybrid of a shared personality.

When that's all over, that former partnership isn't who you are. You have to devolve and redefine/re-establish yourself as an individual. No one wants someone who is on the "rebound" per se (well maybe some do), and to be honest I think I would be cheating them if I brought baggage into something new. That duality is not who I am anymore. All of the accounts, emotional and otherwise - need to be settled befor a new venture. I need to be my own person. I need to make sure that I am free.

I know if I wanted to, I could go out and find someone to "pass the time", but really - what's the point? I have too much respect for women, too much respect for MYSELF. They deserve better of me, and I of them. I am a much more attractive person, inside and out - when I am not saddled with the ghosts of disappointment. I wear it all on my sleeve, and sometimes I just don't want people to see. There is a difference in telling yourself that you are ready, and believing/knowing that you are ready. My life has become more and more about faith, coupled with logic. My hands are steady, and there is no trace of the erratic.

So, lately - I have been diving headlong back into writing, novels, music, and cinema. These are my first loves, and they never fail to inspire. Sometimes you just have to rediscover what defines you as an individual, so you can then find what similar interests are shared with others. I have recently discovered that you need more than "having eachother in common".

Emotionally, I no longer desire to look back at where I've been. I just need to look ahead to where I am going.