[x]The crow said don't look!

Relevant - "To Heal" by Underworld (Oblivion with bells)

Something happened today. I would like to think after so long that I would have been prepared, yet the scope of this has overwhelmed me. Due to the numbness I would say my defense mechanisms are firing just fine. The last door I left (slightly cracked) in Michigan just closed.

The best metaphor for all of this would be slowly working up an immunity to some lethal poison that you know someday you'd have to take.

I knew this was coming. I'm a mess right now, because there are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions running through me. Which, due to recent events, pretty much takes precedence over this whole last month in the grand scope of things... How trivial had I let things become?

So, thank you for that, at least.

Even as I am writing this, I can feel something break within me. I used to know what love really felt like, I used to know passion and fire. How long have I been gone? All of a sudden this whole last decade has just snapped into focus for me. Physically, emotionally, and artistically I feel like I have been on the outside looking in.


such a strange world
to lay this final ghost to rest
the rites are my reprieve
this mind over matters
numb and logic
my saving grace

a familiar reality
that was never meant to exist
i'll give that happiness back
to that other version of me
i don't need it anymore

nights like this
the loneliness
under a magnifying glass
in the sun i'll be ashes

i just had to know
even though
we are dealt only so much soul
yet i spend a third
when the murder told me not to look

even as the void embraces me
it has to look away
it may or may not be okay it says
i won't say i told you so
but i'm here for you
if you need me
my old friend
as it shoves me back into the light

i've always felt
if pull this last dagger i'll bleed out
as i take it out i wonder
did this damn or save me?
i don't know
am i finally trapped
or finally free
the only thing left within
burning with a long lost roar
this november blood

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