Relevant - "Lost!" by Coldplay (Viva La Vida)

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost

I promised myself that I wouldn't drag the negative energy down here with me when I moved. When I did decide to move to Florida, right around this time last year - my life was all of a sudden filled with positive energy and hope for the future. For the first time in my life, I started to look forward, instead of looking back. I had the support of my family and friends, because I think deep down they knew this was best for me. Jessica and I had gotten back together, with the plan of her moving down here after getting sorted up there. Needless to say she didn't quite make the finish line.

I swear to God every day I can't believe I'm in Florida. It's been 9+ months and I am still here. This is the longest I have ever been away from home, in my entire life. Sometimes I grow so homesick that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I miss my family so much that just writing this chokes me up. I know they miss me so much, and I carry around the guilt of not getting to see my nephews and niece grow up. God I miss them so much. Every time I get to talk to Logan or Ariel on the phone, or even David (not quite the talker yet) it tears me apart. I doubt I will ever have children... but I always took solace in watching them grow up. Now I will never be able to do even that. I just hope they don't forget me and how much I love them. I really hope David grows up to know that he has an uncle Johnny too.

In the wake of what I've sacrificed, I still believe I'm here for a reason. My motto has been "Life's all about having things to look forward to" and I keep myself busy. Work keeps me mentally busy, and I try to fill as much of the day as possible with whatever I can to not let myself dwell on everything. It's how I get through the day. Noel, Mike, My work friends, the Bartons... it helps having people around who care about you here. I wouldn't be able to this on my own, so thanks to all of you. Especially to Noel. Who would have though my unofficial little brother would carry me so far?

So, day to day - mostly I am fine. Lately, I have lost my way. I still stumble, I still look back. Especially over the last few weeks with Jessica, she has surely tested my faith. There's just so much more at work in the grand scope of things, and that is what I believe in. You have to have faith that regardless of your sins and failures, that you can find redemption somewhere.

I have always been a believer in signs. I believe in many things, including Karma. I have seen it happen, trust me. I have never gone into my religious beliefs here (don't worry I am sure one day I will) but faith has always been a part of me. I believe because my intuition has never failed me. It's my gift.

The thing is, they are always there and most times I like most do not pay them any heed.

I don't really pray (save for a few occasions) in the traditional sense. I have these one-way conversations with myself, where I try to work things out logically. These are held when I am driving around, or laying in bed at night (Believe me, it's less weird than it sounds) - and usually whatever it is is left out there for the fates to decide.

About two months ago, I was completely lost. Work was just treading water, I was horribly homesick, and extremely lonely. I was beginning to fall into some of my old habits of hiding again, and not taking care of myself.

One night I was lying in bed, and I just started to have this mental conversation on whether I should stay, or move home. I tried to weigh the pros and cons of both, and was left completely torn down the middle. I just needed a nudge, one way or the other...

The next day, I won the cruise. Which was at that time was a month or so in the future. Boom - a reason to stay, even if just for a little longer. Something to look forward to. Honestly, I didn't even try to win that contest, I just happen to.

When I asked Jessica to go, it just felt right - and necessary. I could never justify up until she actually got here other than "It's something I thought she would enjoy" but looking back I see now why I did bring her. Funny, because no one approved (especially my mom) of my decision (being that we had the messy breakup beforehand) but I didn't even flinch. I didn't know it at the time, but this was my way of seeing if there was anything left in our relationship. There isn't. This was to remind me why we aren't together. It's sad, and I do love her - but it had all run its course, and now it's time for the both of us to move on. I wish her nothing but the best, because she deserves to, and will - find happiness. I just had to know for sure, and now I do.

The latest of the signs stems from my favorite song of all time - "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle. I have been in love with this song since I first heard it around 2001. Around that time, I got the APC cd for free for working for Border's in the music department. Coincidence? The song always makes me feel better when I listen to it, and the "You don't see me, you don't see me at all" lines I can especially relate to.

Sometimes, you just have to look for the signs. How about this one, (3) of the most beautiful girls I have ever met and worked with - Shelley, Andrea, and Jessica - have 3 consecutive birthdays this week, the 14th, 15th, and 16th. 3 libras in the same place, at the same time... all a part of my life as friends.

How's that for a sign?

No comments:

Post a Comment