4.04.2002

Nothing much going on this week as of yet.

Started working out again - ow. Other than that I have cut down on my red-meat intake (replaced with chicken and turkey sammiches)... Have replaced my pop addiction with Gatorade.

I doubt I will ever be satisfied with my body. As with other things... it will never be good enough. I want to lose some weight and gain some form...

Since I have changed my diet, I do in fact feel healthier. I am taking an All-In-One vitamin every morning... and I can feel the difference. I miss fast food... as it is better for the soul... but I just need a change.

...

Still lonely as ever. Looking forward to going to this concert on Saturday... with Margarita. Who knows.. maybe I will meet my dream girl there... or she will find me. One can only wish.

...

Speaking of soul. I watched "Big Thinkers" on TechTV the other day, and they had this guy who insisted that the human body is just a machine... with no soul. All creativeness and innovation comes from a random assortment of cells. There is no God, and we are all ants, and blah blah blah.

I couldn't be more opposed. - Our soul is the very thing that makes us human.

Explain to me emotion. Love, hate. Art, music... etc. The fact that I am listening to "Perfect Blue Buildings" - Do my cells just react to this song? Hello?!!?!? Do you really think these things are the result of a chemical? A firing of electrons? Not that I would ever have any scientific evidence... but here is my theory.

Our body is just a physical representation of how our soul manifests itself to the outside world.

I am sure there is science to explain many things... But degrading human society easily into a category... that is just a poor excuse... this is just someone who obviously doesn't think he has anything to offer the world. I do, on the other hand. Just an old man who never made a difference...

We are not machines. - And anyone who tells me what I have been through is based on neurons firing can go fuck themself.

...

Now that I have gotten that all out. Working on the site again. And, due to popular demand, there will be some changes implemented soon. The site is going to have a more recoginizable theme, one that I know by heart, but have trouble. I want to show the world what "Revolt!" means to me.

The font will be made bigger, and the color should change. Perhaps red, to go along with the soviet theme.

All things change. - Just remember to try and change the world, do not let it change you.

4.01.2002

Let me just say for the record that I hate April Fool's day.

3.30.2002

Just got home. I had a pretty good time.

First, I went to the Galactic Dust SHAREWAREZ release party. I met empyre, and finally got to see PON. I was disheartened to find that my friend Jamie Foster was no longer in the band, but I stayed for the set. I must admit, I was impressed. I left soon afterwards.

Second, my "little brother" noel turned 21 tonight, so I met him at Dunleavy's in Allen Park. Everyone (well almost) was there. Paul, Rachel, Nick McTurner... It was nice to catch up. Didn't take long at all for me to readjust to that group. I was also introduced to Noel's girlfriend Emily. She is very nice, pretty, and great for Noel. Good for Noel, I am happy for him.

Noelie got pretty smashed. The shot I bought him didn't help I am sure. He was staggering by the time I left. Heh. Can only imagine how he feels at this particular moment.

I had a great time. Now noel can go to the real clubs. We can have some real fun. Looking forward to hanging out with my bro.

Keep it coming I'm going all the way
Keep it coming I'm going all the way
Just give me half a chance
From throwing it all away


Stone Temple Pilots "Glide" - Track 8 on No. 4

3.27.2002

Here I go again.

Right now I am trying to put some sort of "Social Life" together. As I have said, I need to get out more. So this saturday, I am on the guest list for a cd release party in Ann Arbor. Yay! Something to do! It will be the first time I will get to see PON, my friend Jamie Foster's band. Been meaning to catch a show...

The lineup is set for the release party. E.M.S. a DJ from Detroit will open and close the show. (pôn) will play at 10:15 and L.O.I. at 11:30. The CDs are getting pressed and T-shirts are being screened as you read this. Doors Open at 9:00PM on March 30th at The Heidelburg on 215 N. Main St. in Ann Arbor Michigan.


so, all of you you local DEADPIXEL fans... come meet the man in person, as I will be there. *Bring hot friends.*

Kind of odd how it all happened. The guy from galacticdust.com contacts me... and finds PON through a link on my site... and now they are on this cd. Funny how things work out. Can I take credit? heh.

I am really looking forward to it.

...

The saturday afterwards, I am going to see SPARTA at St. Andrew's Hall in Detroit. The band was formed from some of the former members of At The Drive-In, which was one of my favorite bands. I picked up their 4-song album, "Austere" - and have downloaded 4 of their other songs... all are very good. Looking forward to this as well.


...

I just want a change. I want to mix it up a bit and actually do something with my youth. Now that I have realigned my perception of money... I can do more. Also, I am going to resume working out next week. Never satisfied with how I look.

...

I saw RESIDENT EVIL the other day. For the second time, I went to the movies by myself. It wasn't great, but wasn't bad either. I would have to give it 3 out of 5 stars. It was definately entertaining, and well worth the 5 bucks I paid to see it. Sometimes all you need is to just sit through a decent zombie movie.

...

Anyway... hopefully over the next few weeks or so I am going to try and make the site more interactive. Not sure how... but I will figure something out. I would like to hear from the people who read this site. I see all of these hits, but only a few people comment. SO LEAVE SOME FEEDBACK. Yes this means you! How do you like the new logo/setup? I am trying to keep my layout simple. Okay that is a lie - I suck at web page design and this is the best I could do. But I am decent at graphics design...

EVERYONE COMMENT DAMNIT. Let me know what you think, and what you want to see.

3.22.2002

Not much going on today. I saw BLADE 2 - and it was a good movie. I think the only problem with it is the fact that perhaps I set my expectations too high. I loved BLADE so much. I think what detracted from the second movie (Which, probably overall was better) - was the lack of a defined villain. I mean, the bad guy(s) were cool... but Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) from the first movie was sweet. There were some great moments in the sequel, however. I really like the point in movies where the heroes are surrounded, outmanned, and running out of bullets. The "Were fucked" moments. There was a great one in this movie.

I would give it a solid 4 out of 5 stars. Definately an owner. The soundtrack, while looking good on paper... wasn't really that great in the movie. It fit I suppose, but not as well as the "Confusion" remix in the first one. They play that song at SPACE, and I love it.

...

Jaws died. R.I.P. Jaws - 2002 to... ummm 2002. *Toilet flushing*

...

Isn't is supposed to be spring? It was quite cold today.

...

Tomorrow I have to work. After that I have nothing to do... I guess I could clean my room (laundry)... Finish the Sandman graphic novels... Maybe work on my site a bit. I added the star last night... I have always had a fascination with the soviet red star. That kind of gothic look to it. I couldn't find a good one on the net to work with in photoshop, so I created my own. Didn't turn out that bad. I just wanted something to symbolize "Revolt".

Margarita is going up north this weekend. I was looking forward to seeing her, but perhaps I should take some time away from her. The puzzle about her has been solved. She, as her name predicts, is simply and utterly intoxicating. I get lost in her. Not that this is a bad thing, mind you. But, I cannot be with her, so I must focus my efforts elsewhere.

To whom? She was pretty much it. I have no more "Active" girls on the list. It is unfortunate... as of my bewildered state... my current fascination with the female species. Amazed am I with women I see. Oh well, my time will come. Hopefully sooner than later. I just need to go out and meet more people. Well. First things first. I need to get out of here more.

So come find me.

...

I got a new phone the other day.
My old phone overheated too much, and this one is working out fine.

3.20.2002

Sometimes you just need to open your eyes.

Today, our job was easy, and I was home around noon. Nykanen and I go out to dinner. Chili's. At one point I am looking out the window and I see this girl walking through the parking lot. She was amazing. As a matter of fact... I said "That girl is amazing" - When I looked back our food was served and the waitress was standing there looking at me. At least I was caught saying something that would be construed as a compliment. I was just so completely spellbound for a second that I never noticed. Our waitress was pretty, too.

Anyway... afterwards I am bored so we go to the Border's down the road. And it continues... I found myself just looking (not staring) at all of the beautiful women in the store. Nevermind the fact that nothing interested me as far as purchasing. Nykanen did not find the book he was looking for, so he wanted to go the the Southland Mall to another Border's. I agree to go.

As I am walking through the mall, I am just amazed... There are so many beautiful women out there... it is as if they have been hiding for the longest time. Either that, or I just have not been looking. The way they look.. Talk... their body language. What they wear. It was a captivating experience... and it just makes me feel better all of a sudden.

Women are so beautiful. I long to have one in my life.

I feel perhaps that I have had my eyes closed forever. "You mean I could never know her?" - Lestat.

I look back on what I have written so far... and I am classifying them as an object. I do not wish to do so. They are just beautiful... beyond words. I long to know a woman... to love one... Again.

It has just been so long. I have not been myself... In a long time. Afraid of relationships... of meeting anyone new. Unfortunately this compounds on the fact that I am already shy.

Now, I want to. I want to meet new people... I am ready to be in a relationship again... finally. I long for it. What I needed was just to give up on these girls that are hopeless. They may be some of my friends, but I pine over them, and it gets me nowhere.

All I need now is for fate to intervene. Get me out of my house... Out of this damn routine that everyone else around me so merrily accepts. It is not for me. I am meant for something far greater than this, even if it is only in my head. I will not settle for my current lifestyle. There is just so much to do, and I feel as though I am wasting away.

So, come find me.

...

I have been reading the Sandman graphic novels lately. I just finished number 6 out of the 10... by far my favorite character is Delerium. She reminds me of myself in a way.


3.18.2002

I feel so disconnected from everything.

As if someone went inside me and unplugged all of my heart's strings. More and more every day do I learn how fucked up the concept of love is. What love does to people.

I just feel alone, even still. The only time I do not feel truly alone, is with Margarita.

And, unfortunately... I am giving up. I do not know where I will go from here.

3.17.2002

One year.

Funny how things set themselves into motion.

3.14.2002

All of my muses are dead.
Where did I put that
sword...
shield...
Where did I hang my wings?


Last night could have went better.

Sure, it started off fine... I went out with Margarita to her place in Troy, where she made me dinner. She had printed out the entirety of my poetry page - in response to me telling her that I had written about her in there somewhere. As we were eating... I glanced at my work... it was 10 printed pages... I never knew that I had that much.

It was hard to read.. with every passing statement I was back at that moment. Some that I swore I would never feel again. People I would never visit. Those who have made it abundantly clear that they are not worth my time... as I was not worth theirs.

As I read, I realized that I had written about her more than I thought.

I don't deal with how I feel about her. It finally dawned on me last night.

So there she is, guessing. She marks out the ones that she thinks are about her, as I told her I would not tell her. She gets the two easy ones right away (They were on the first page). She doesn't get anymore. Some were, in fact... way off. The ones about a person hurting me... she took a few of those... Has she ever hurt me?

This one for my heart and I cannot have her.
This one for my mind and I cannot have her.
This one for my lust and I cannot have her.


You'll never see this rose that I am holding for you
so beautifully oblivious


We end up laying around on her bed... After some prodding I seperate the sheets... make a small pile of three where the other ones about her are. There were a total of five that I counted...

Immediately I realized my mistake...and, much to her dismay, i shuffled them back into place. After that I didn't have much to say to her. I mean come on, John. Don't cross that line. In a split second I realized that what is complex to me, is simple to her... and I envy that. So, with few words said, she proceeds to start driving me home. The car ride is a continued silence.

When she gets closer to my house, she starts to inquire about what is wrong. I told her that it was a mistake to point her in the right direction on what I have written about her. I told her I stopped before more damage was done. She said she values me as a friend... and doesn't want to ruin what we have by being a shitty girlfriend, who would end up making me hate her.

What are you thinking about? Nothing.
I know how you feel about me, John. No, you don't. And it doesn't make a difference.
Why doesn't it make a diffrence? It hasn't made a difference in three years, Margarita.

That was pretty much it.

I love her. To what extent, I don't know. Because it truly doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how I feel to her.

She is the only person left who can hurt me. Everyone else has been banished from my heart forever. It is her, and only her... what sucks is that I am locked up so tight that I am so afraid of letting anyone in... I am so afraid of being hurt again. Sometimes it is unbearable... and with her, for a few hours that I get to see her... I don't feel alone. I know she loves me, and she is there.

So, for all of this armor... I feel like a scrambled yolk inside of an uncracked egg. What do I say now? Where do we go from here?

BTW, Margarita... I know you are going to read this.. so here goes.

You don't want to hear----what I have always tried to tell you...

I wish you could look through my eyes

I like to look at you-
I like to feel your eyes
I like touching you-
feel your body next to mine
To hold you-to kiss you-
now I miss these
Withdrawn and killing me
these things that I need


...

What, in these days of misguided lament... Keep me going? I would have to say... Defiance.

Unaccepting, Spiteful... I wish to call out all the world and scream: You will not break me.

3.08.2002

God bless hip hugger jeans. Wait.

Ahem.

It has been a rough week. I cannot seem to shake this sickness. My voice has returned, well most of the time. I got sick last night... When I was out with Ann Marie.

How embarrassing.

I am sure my recent change in diet doesn't help - I think my body is revolting against me.

I have given up fast food... Yeah yeah I know I have said this before. I just hate getting off of work and saying to myself "What am I going to eat?" and just going to Weny's or something. I am all fast-fooded out. I don't feel healthy... And it is expensive. I have also given up going out to breakfast... Also saving some cash... I just eat CRISPIX instead. Cereal is good, and good for you.

Just not satisfied with how I look. I lost a ton of weight last summer... then it stablilized and I have not been able to lose any more. Then again, I have not changed my diet until now.

Also. The nectar of the gods - Pop. I tried giving that up... Lasted the past three days until my withdrawel ended up giving me a pounding headache. I think I am just too addicted to caffeine to go without.

So, I cracked today and bought a pepsi on the way home from work... By the time I got home my head had cleared. So, I am just going to try and cut down.

It sucks.

...

Well, I have gotten my money situation finally under control. I have drawn up a plan of how much money I make, and what bills I have to pay. Being organized is going to help me pay off my damn credit card bills. It is just a simple text file... Nothing too dramatic.

Damn tickets are killing me.

...

Oh yes, the fish. I bought some fish last Sunday - A balla shark, and a reed fish (looks like an eel)... Jaws and Toma respectively. (Toma, short for Tomagotchi, which still hurts when I think of how attached I was to mine and it DIED)... But just like any other toy, my interest has slightly waned, and they will be moved out of my room into the living room soon. Fish smell like fish.

...

Everyone tells me to stop looking for a girlfriend. "The moment you stop looking..." blah. Things have not changed with Margarita. What is going on with her, anyhow? What is going on between us?

Well, I still need someone to go out with. I would like to go to the club tonight... but I have no one to go with. I will not go alone... and I have to work tomorrow... ick.

...

Some weird things have been happening lately. For one, my mind drifts back to Madonna at random. Second, I had a dream that my parents died... I still feel off balance about things. I would write more, but it just seems as though I am rehashing everything. Over and over again.

I just need to win the lotto tonight. "If I won the lotto, you would never see me again" - What I said at work today. Probably true.

2.27.2002

I feel alive.

More so than I have felt in I don't remember how long. I have control over everything. My emotions, my money.

I have spent some time with Margarita lately, and things are different. It is at it were when I met her. How it should have been. I love talking to her... I mean really talking. It is nice to have someone to talk to, and I had never thought of that in the entire time I have been alone. All I have had is this... my journal. Which I love as well... But it is different.

She has come over the past few days, and we lay around, watch movies. As is our relationship.

...

I have seen Queen of the Damned 3 times now. Right now I have an addiction to song # 3 on the soundtrack. "System" - by - Chester Bennington Of Linkin Park

I can't stop listening to it.

Why is everything so fucking hard for me?
Keep me down-
to what you think
I should be
Must you tempt me
and provoke the ministry
Keep on trying
I'm not dying so easily

2.22.2002

First off - I am sick. I think it is passing now, although I still have no voice. - Or maybe a grainy one at that.

Yesterday I slammed a whole bottle of cherry NYQUIL when I got home from work... I figured that I would just sleep the whole day. That my body would fix itself if I just hibernated for a day.

Things did not go according to plan.

Two hours after I laid down to sleep... My mom calls me and wants to go look at a computer for her. I talk to her on my cell phone, agree to go. I was kind of groggy at first from just waking. Then I sat up. My head was spinning. Not the room, my head. I would turn my head one way and everything would just keep going.

Regardless, I stumbled out the door as my mom picked me up. I spent the next few hours spinning... Then came home and went to bed.

"This is why I don't drink"

...

Second - Go see QUEEN OF THE DAMNED - it was great.



Stuart Townsend delivered a dead-on (no pun intended) performance as the vampire Lestat. Much more impressive than Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire. Aaliyah was great too. I don't care what all the naysayers say - Harry Knowles, my roomate Joe, etc. - This movie kicked ass. The music was placed perfectly. It had a great look and a feel to it.

Definately a solid 4 stars out of 5. This one is an owner, and I picked up the soundtrack after leaving the theater.

2.17.2002

am i concerned of you
with the laying
or the sleeping?
Do I worship
The tears of joy
or the long faded sweat?
what binds me still
to you

2.13.2002

One year.

One year since the last time I spoke Madonna. Since that last phone call... Her most prolific and final betrayal to me.

... and it was just another day.

She will never know the ongoing revenge I score, every time I wake up in the morning. For living my life, breathing. For having an unrelenting hope, a desire... To find something better than her. To be happy.

I know who and where I am now. More than ever.

Do you?

I hope you read this. Besides the embedded vindictiveness, I am the same person I have always been. I just hope that you fall as far as I will fly someday.

The sad part is... I would grant you the mercy that you could not spare to me.

I am better than what you are. I am better than what we had. Know this, and your eternal reward... shall be, regret.

2.08.2002

It hurts to feel the way I do.

On the way home from the movies (Which I, for the first time in my life, went alone) - I thought about something I have written.

"If religion is the opiate of society, then love is the opiate for life" - And it just pains me that I feel that way.

2.03.2002

Um.

Not sure what to think of this. "Dale" signed my guestbook as of the last entry, and I am not sure if it is a "shot" or not.

Does anybody ever answer you, John?
How are you sleeping these days?

-dale
-Feb 02 2002, 02:25 pm


Well. Dropslash then put "Answer" - so here goes.

1. Does anybody ever answer me?

Yes. They do occasionally. And to tell "you" the truth... I love the feedback. I don't write my journal or poetry for anyone in particular. I used to just think that I wrote my page for myself. To just collect my thoughts... But after people started to respond, I didn't mind knowing that I was sharing. Kill me if I want to be read.

I do not have alot of people to talk to. Yes, I have friends, but it is just different...

The past few years have been turbulent in my life. Alot has happened... Even though as I feel the worst has past - Sometimes I just need to get things out. Whether I do that here, or in my poetry.

Like I have constantly said, I am just trying to be honest with myself... To the best degree that I can, knowing that everyone, including me... Lie to themselves. We have to, to get by. And that, to me, is what faith is all about. Anyone remember beLIEve?

2. How am I sleeping these days?

Well, I am not sure how to take this one. If this is something negative... as if I should have guilt... I do not. I have done some very un-JOHN things in the past year or so. Things that make me, looking back... wonder who I was at the time. Doing things just for the sake of doing them. Being with people just because they were there. I am not going to name any names, but I know who the mistakes were. I am done making excuses for it.

I have vowed to not feel guilty, to not regret what has happened. It happened, and nothing I will ever say or do will change it. So I have moved on. Unfortunately, in losing regret, you have to take the good with the bad.

... But if this question is literal.

I am sleeping okay I guess. I stay up on average until 11pm or midnight. Usually I have to get up at 5am, so I do not get what most people would consider adequate sleep. It has always been that way with me, and I usually just "Go" as some people have said.

... Sort of on the same subject. I guess sometimes it would just be nice to not wake up alone.

With all everything coming up, and how I blow things way out of proportion... The way I am with blocks of time. One thing just still puzzles me, after all this time. At some point I had a solid connection with the different women I have loved. Both physically, and emotionally. To me these things do not waver... They are rock solid, permanent. And using that analogy, they can be said to have been eroded over time, but they never leave. The memory of how someone felt, in my heart, and touch. How they felt... These things will never leave me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. How you can have something like that... something you think is going to last forever. Something you KNOW will.

Then it is gone. And you wonder if you will ever feel it again. You wonder, you hope, and you doubt.

...I wrote this earlier today.

i am addicted to
the wounds you inflicted
knowing i will forever bleed
the stigmata on my soul
solace in the fact
you are no more a goddess
than i am a god.


I dunno. I just hope someone isn't flaming my gbook again.

2.01.2002

Well, I have been without internet access for the past few days... They shut off our cable modem to "upgrade" our service.

Ummmm... they forgot to send the new modem. Duh. Kind of hard to upgrade with no service....

...

Anyway... that is all solved now and we are all back online. I am playing Diablo II again... something to do.

... I am also writing again... So I should be posting some new stuff soon.

I am bored.. DAMMIT PEOPLE LEAVE FEEDBACK, AND FIND ME A GIRLFRIEND.

1.27.2002

As if a quiet storm approaching on the horizon... Feb. 12 is coming up. It will have been one year since the last time I talked to Madonna. That final phone call... How do I feel about it a year later? Truthfully it doesn't cross my mind a whole lot anymore. Nor does she, besides out of my usual thought process. I guess lately she has been, however. It does not bother me. Maybe I just don't like having unanswered questions about her, or wondering what her life is like now. In what sense should I care? Why do I bother at all?

Also - Feb. 14 is Valentine's day. Or the 2nd annual "Single person awareness day" :( It is hard to believe that I have been alone this long... I have not had an appreciable girlfriend in... hrmmmm... let me think. Probably around a year and a half. After years of being in serious relationships... one after another.

I have money, and I have gotten my life together in that time. I would say that relationships are bad for me, but I would be lying. I let my personal life destroy school on more than one occasion, and I do not wish to have it happen again. I don't think I will ever let it.

... Everything comes together, even as others fall apart.

You want most what you cannot have. Funny how what I do have I care little for. Well, in relation to other things. My lifestyle is comfortable...

I just have a few questions. Where are you? When are you?

I have given up the pursuit for now. If it happens, it happens... I just have other things to attend to.

1.22.2002

I have kept to myself for the past few days, barely saying a word to either of my room-mates. Why? I don't know... I just want to be alone, indefinately. I want a few days to relax, and to have some quiet time for myself. My door is closed.

I need to vent. Perhaps I will not feel this way in a week or so... Right now I do.

I am severely pissed off at Nykanen for crossing me... Funny how he is the one who made me define what I am... Vindictive - think "vendetta". His correcting my grammar and just being a general asshole has come to a head, and I need a few days away to make sure I can continue to live in the same house. I cannot stand it when he corrects my grammar. I know what I mean, he knows what I mean... Sorry that I use words like "unique" loosely. It is times like this that make me remember that the differences between us outweigh the few things we do have in common. And, for being older than I am, he does not know how to conduct himself in public.

This would be the right word.

Ostracize - (os'tre siz'), v.t., -cized, ciz-ing. 1. to exclude, by general consent, from society, privileges, etc. 2. to banish (a person) from his native country; expatriate. 3. (in ancient Greece) to banish (a citizen) temporarily by a popular vote.

No longer am I concerned on how some of my "Friends" want to live their lives. Or how they justify it.

...

Just ran out of room on my dvd shelf. I now have 47 dvds. :)

That is alot. I bought PULP FICTION yesterday, and RESIVOIR DOGS today. As a matter of fact, I am bidding on a "Bad MotherF*cker" wallet on ebay. So that way I can say (When asked which wallet is mine) "The one that says BAD MOTHERF*CKER on it!"

What else.

Right now I am listening to "Skym" by Underworld, from their "Beaucoup Fish" album.

Quite calm pervaded
I couldn't go through this again
You say you love her
you know you her
You never want to without her
you say you never want to hurt her
you know you hurt her.


... Found out that HUM broke up a few years back... Damn, now I will never get to see them live. I have been listening to "You'd prefer an astronaut" - it is an astounding album... It takes you to a place... nowhere specific, just somewhere ELSE.

Anywhere but here - As I sometimes tell myself.

1.20.2002

She's got colors to spare, and I don't care,
what they do
- Hum "Why I like the Robins"

I lost interest in 2 out of the 3 women in my life this week...

Number One - Ann Marie - It is just never going to happen. Perhaps it should, as I have never found someone more compatable. She is smart, beautiful, has her life together, asian (heh)... What more could I ask for in a girl? I just cannot bring myself to cross that line with her. I do not have the heart. Better to leave things as they are than screw them up. In the future, who knows... I have always left that possibility open with her. She seems happy with who she is with, and I am beginning to appreciate her being so oblivious to how I feel about her. I care too much about her, and value her friendship to interfere. I like spending time with her, but I hate the feeling of guilt that accompanies it. We have been spending less and less time together as of late, and seeing her at the club last week with her BF... I just need a bit of time to re-evaluate things. Sometimes I would look at her, actually quite a few... and I would ask myself "Does she know?" I still do not know the answer.

Number Two - Margarita. She is smart, fun, beautiful... I know now that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. She trusts me... I shouldn't tamper with that. "She'll always be mine, always and never" - Sin City. In a way I have always felt something for her, but I suppose I have just crossed over into the "Friend Zone" one two many times. When she spent the night last week, and as she was laying there... Well it is just nice to have someone there sometimes. But I don't want her to be just that. I don't want her to be a pseudo-girlfriend. I have more respect for her than that. All I can do is try and take care of her. I have been her shoulder to cry on more than once... and every time it is because of some asshole who does not know what he has. It kills me to see her like that. And I tell her that she is better than that. That she deserves better. She knows I mean me, but I fear that she cares too much about me to take that next step. Maybe someday, probably not.

Number Three - Emily. Not much to say as of yet. She is a bit younger than me, and I think we hit it off pretty well. I just don't know where any of it is going, and I have the suspicion that it is dead in the water already. Probably my fault as well. I am interested, but I feel awkward a bit. I mean, I cannot remember the last girl I "dated". I have just gone from one serious relationship to another... And when it wasn't a relationship, it was... something else. Something that I never want to be a part of again. It is hard to start from scratch. Especially now. Perhaps counting your chickens can work both ways.

...

I guess inside you can offer the world to anyone, but they have to know you are offering, and they have to accept.

...

...I am not living a tragedy anymore.

1.17.2002

I'll be your lover, i'll be forever
i'll be tomorrow, i am anything when i'm high
- Marilyn Manson "Dried Up, Tied And Dead To The World"

1, 2, 3,
I've got another, got another
1, 2, 3,
I've got another, got another
I've got another hit to hold me up this time,
don't you know what I mean boys?
- Stone Temple Pilots "Pruno"

I have been listening to alot of music lately.

Funny, alot of what I used to listen to doesn't mean that much to me anymore. I used to really like KORN and DEPECHE MODE... but now it just doesn't have the same... impact within.

Have I just outgrown it then?

1.16.2002

This one for my heart and I cannot have her.
This one for my mind and I cannot have her.
This one for my lust and I cannot have her.
I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job.

1.15.2002

...and some change.>
Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future. - Risky Business

1.14.2002

Vindictive - (vin dik' tiv), adj. 1. disposed or inclined to revenge; vengeful. 2. proceeding from or showing a revengeful spirt. [< L vindict(a) vengeance, fem. of *vindictus (ptp. of *vindicere for vindicare; see VINDICATE) + -IVE] ---vindic'tive-ly, adv. ---vin-dic'tive-ness, n. ---Syn. 1. unforgiving. See Spiteful.

After a short talk with Nykanen, I was searching for a word to vaguely suit my personality.

1.13.2002

Let me explain something - I never lose it. Ever since New Year's I have found a sense of calm in my life...

I never get mad at anyone else. No matter how much they ride my ass all day, nor how condescending they can be...at times. No matter how they speak OUT, when they really mean AT you. No matter how long they have been there, and are expecting me to perform at their current experience and speed. Regardless of the fact that I make half as much money as they do, and have been there the time that I have. Regardless of how I have to put up with people when THEY lose it. Regardless of how I am never the one complaining.

At times it gets to me. Perhaps it is because of my personality... When I do get frustrated/mad it is only at myself. It would be so easy to place the blame... but I do not.

Perhaps they are just kidding around and I am taking it seriously. Perhaps I take myself and my job too seriously.

Maybe I just care too much, want them to like and approve of me too much. It just seems important that they do so, and I try.

But. It is just a job. Just a job and a source of income. Just my way to sustain my lifestyle, and to improve it by paying off school.

Getting along with everyone is just a bonus. There is not one person who I work with that I do not like...

That being said...

Towards the end of the job on Saturday, I was hanging shutters on a job, and I put the screwgun through a piece of trim. I hate shutters. It probably kept us from leaving the job about a 1/2 hour. And it did get to me. I used the word "fuck" in just about every combination possible in about 30 seconds. Funny how everyone was strangely silent after that.

It just made me think...

I am not my job.

It isn't worth it to me to get angry at anything or anyone. Not worth it at all. And realizing that has given me a totally new perspective on where I work and who I work with.

1.08.2002

You'll never see this rose that I am holding for you
so beautifully oblivious


Today, we sold the Diablo 2 account on ebay. It went for $192.55, which Nykanen and I are going to split.

So, between that and the $100 or so I am getting for my old computer parts, my upgrades are going to run $100 out-of-pocket.

What am I getting? 1.4ghz Athlon XP processor, 256mb of DDR 2100 ram, and a new case. I know, I know, I upgraded about 6 months ago to what I have now... I just want something faster to last me for another year or so. Also, I have always wanted an AMD athlon.

...

It has actually been pretty warm here for January. Working outside isn't really that bad, as long as you dress for it. I do. "Johnny Bundles" is what they call me at work.

Speaking of which... Sometimes I feel as though I have less and less in common with everyone at work, every day.

They just live a totally different lifestyle than I do. I am not going to say better or worse... Just different, and I find it hard to relate sometimes. I feel out of place.

Have I been that sheltered?

1.07.2002

I wouldn't call it sighing.

Everything is starting to settle into a pattern now. There is a countdown... A block of time. In this block there are events, dates of significance. Some are close, some are far away. Just a little less important.

Things will be forgotten, lost. Only to be recalled upon the randomness of memory.

For now, however... Normalcy. Or at least what I consider to be so.

I can say that things are better. I am relaxed. Calm.

I don't really know how to describe it... It is as if I have been dead on the inside for so long... Or at least somewhere else. Such as the past.

Now I look around... and for once everything is current. The present, and the future have my attention.

I will not lie, there is a feeling of guilt within me. As if I have said goodbye to a dear friend. My friend, Lament. It is odd to not have it by my side. It is odd to think that alot I have held dear for so long, is now nothing more than ash. Almost as if I miss it.

Perhaps it is just a quiet sorrow. I know not yet.

There is no wonder any more. No more reconsidering. I say my goodbyes, and all there is left... is to fade.

1.01.2002

I have decided to do my journal just a bit different this year. Hopefully I can get all the archiving done correctly.

This is not really a journal anymore... It is a tale.

A tale of REVOLT! and the elusive deity.