[x]detriment and eloquence part I.

I haven't posted anything lately. Any normal thoughts anyway. If you are, in fact reading this... everything over the past month has been poetry and song lyrics.

I'm so lost.

It all started with a kiss. Then I couldn't sleep (literally) for weeks. I have gone through every possible emotion in every possible combination since. From the greatest elation to having that sick feeling in my stomach from having my heart broken. From being filled to the brim in my heart, to having it so empty that it feels like my very soul is bleeding out from the hole...

The things I have written in the past month... I've been writing for as long as I can remember, and some of these are the best I have ever written. My masterpiece. Some of those have been beyond anything I've ever been able to say.

Sometimes I am left with the feeling that it's been a waste. My great strides haven't so much made a dent in her. I doubt it ever will. I am at a loss as to how to get through.

You would think being eloquent and articulate would be a good thing. Most people I know do not have any outlet for artistic expression. In any form. They just keep themselves bottled up, or fall into various vices to get by.

It's the eloquence that is destroying me.

You will never understand what it's like to be so in touch with how you feel that you can actually put it into words. On top of that, having everything you ever write becoming some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When I write, it's not just words on paper. It's admitting things to myself.

I give a little part of myself into everything I write. Now I've given to much.

It's not a gift. It's a curse.


[x]my devastating nights, my peaceful mornings

these simple mornings
i follow you with my eyes
wondering if you notice
this scene glossed in peace
a contrast
to my devastating nights
that you'll never know
where you are here but not mine
blissful in your sleep

warm is the only word for all of this
please give in
let me have my ignorance for now
i am always yours
yet these are the few and only hours
where you are mine as well
leaving me with a kiss on the cheek
and when you are gone
reality takes your place


[x]Feels a lot like sorrow...

Relevant - "Happiness" by The Fray

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar



Here goes nothing...

your words should hurt
but your eyes that wound me the most
they betray you
every time you look at me
and so do your lips
when they say two different things
and here i stand
defeated by you yet again

the colors you bring
to my otherwise mundane hours
i'll keep my promise
and love them instead
as long as it takes
as long as we're comfortable
you, my muse
and i, your clay

you expose every weakness in me
without even trying
i look down
and all of my armor is gone
i used to be so proud of it -
in your presence i cannot help but yield
when you intoxicate me so

fierce, though delicate in our actions
our present
sullied by their pasts
every kiss laced in caution
and i'm just not sure
whether you're more dangerous
when you're here with me
or when you're gone

these touches
all of the contact met with a pause
as if we absent-mindedly
fight for every extra second of contact
all of this hesitation
and i wonder
if when i'm gone you can still feel my fingertips upon you
as i can still feel your hair on my face...


you do your worst
not even on purpose
leaving me to wonder
all of my affections absorbed
how it kills me
to have every thought, every feeling of mine
another leap of faith

i'm sorry this all falls short
of what i'm trying to say
i'll bleed myself dry if i have to
to find the words
because i can't take it
when my muse
seems incapable of blushing
how do i make you feel beautiful?

what do you see
when you look at me like that?
i would give anything to know
what you are thinking
what's behind those eyes right now
because i try to show you where i am
and you leave me so very lost

am i affecting you right this second
as you read this?
are you breathing
or holding your breath?
this is my torture
not being able to feel the words enter you
and where they go from there...

your control
mixed with my restraint
tears me apart
do what you want with me
it's what i want
all i can do is yield
if you won't show me where you are hidden

just for a moment in this crowd
we are alone
our gaze locked
and you're so close
that i can't even breathe
i close my eyes
the world goes away
and when i finally open them-
it takes everything i have not to kiss you...