As if a quiet storm approaching on the horizon... Feb. 12 is coming up. It will have been one year since the last time I talked to Madonna. That final phone call... How do I feel about it a year later? Truthfully it doesn't cross my mind a whole lot anymore. Nor does she, besides out of my usual thought process. I guess lately she has been, however. It does not bother me. Maybe I just don't like having unanswered questions about her, or wondering what her life is like now. In what sense should I care? Why do I bother at all?

Also - Feb. 14 is Valentine's day. Or the 2nd annual "Single person awareness day" :( It is hard to believe that I have been alone this long... I have not had an appreciable girlfriend in... hrmmmm... let me think. Probably around a year and a half. After years of being in serious relationships... one after another.

I have money, and I have gotten my life together in that time. I would say that relationships are bad for me, but I would be lying. I let my personal life destroy school on more than one occasion, and I do not wish to have it happen again. I don't think I will ever let it.

... Everything comes together, even as others fall apart.

You want most what you cannot have. Funny how what I do have I care little for. Well, in relation to other things. My lifestyle is comfortable...

I just have a few questions. Where are you? When are you?

I have given up the pursuit for now. If it happens, it happens... I just have other things to attend to.


I have kept to myself for the past few days, barely saying a word to either of my room-mates. Why? I don't know... I just want to be alone, indefinately. I want a few days to relax, and to have some quiet time for myself. My door is closed.

I need to vent. Perhaps I will not feel this way in a week or so... Right now I do.

I am severely pissed off at Nykanen for crossing me... Funny how he is the one who made me define what I am... Vindictive - think "vendetta". His correcting my grammar and just being a general asshole has come to a head, and I need a few days away to make sure I can continue to live in the same house. I cannot stand it when he corrects my grammar. I know what I mean, he knows what I mean... Sorry that I use words like "unique" loosely. It is times like this that make me remember that the differences between us outweigh the few things we do have in common. And, for being older than I am, he does not know how to conduct himself in public.

This would be the right word.

Ostracize - (os'tre siz'), v.t., -cized, ciz-ing. 1. to exclude, by general consent, from society, privileges, etc. 2. to banish (a person) from his native country; expatriate. 3. (in ancient Greece) to banish (a citizen) temporarily by a popular vote.

No longer am I concerned on how some of my "Friends" want to live their lives. Or how they justify it.


Just ran out of room on my dvd shelf. I now have 47 dvds. :)

That is alot. I bought PULP FICTION yesterday, and RESIVOIR DOGS today. As a matter of fact, I am bidding on a "Bad MotherF*cker" wallet on ebay. So that way I can say (When asked which wallet is mine) "The one that says BAD MOTHERF*CKER on it!"

What else.

Right now I am listening to "Skym" by Underworld, from their "Beaucoup Fish" album.

Quite calm pervaded
I couldn't go through this again
You say you love her
you know you her
You never want to without her
you say you never want to hurt her
you know you hurt her.

... Found out that HUM broke up a few years back... Damn, now I will never get to see them live. I have been listening to "You'd prefer an astronaut" - it is an astounding album... It takes you to a place... nowhere specific, just somewhere ELSE.

Anywhere but here - As I sometimes tell myself.


She's got colors to spare, and I don't care,
what they do
- Hum "Why I like the Robins"

I lost interest in 2 out of the 3 women in my life this week...

Number One - Ann Marie - It is just never going to happen. Perhaps it should, as I have never found someone more compatable. She is smart, beautiful, has her life together, asian (heh)... What more could I ask for in a girl? I just cannot bring myself to cross that line with her. I do not have the heart. Better to leave things as they are than screw them up. In the future, who knows... I have always left that possibility open with her. She seems happy with who she is with, and I am beginning to appreciate her being so oblivious to how I feel about her. I care too much about her, and value her friendship to interfere. I like spending time with her, but I hate the feeling of guilt that accompanies it. We have been spending less and less time together as of late, and seeing her at the club last week with her BF... I just need a bit of time to re-evaluate things. Sometimes I would look at her, actually quite a few... and I would ask myself "Does she know?" I still do not know the answer.

Number Two - Margarita. She is smart, fun, beautiful... I know now that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. She trusts me... I shouldn't tamper with that. "She'll always be mine, always and never" - Sin City. In a way I have always felt something for her, but I suppose I have just crossed over into the "Friend Zone" one two many times. When she spent the night last week, and as she was laying there... Well it is just nice to have someone there sometimes. But I don't want her to be just that. I don't want her to be a pseudo-girlfriend. I have more respect for her than that. All I can do is try and take care of her. I have been her shoulder to cry on more than once... and every time it is because of some asshole who does not know what he has. It kills me to see her like that. And I tell her that she is better than that. That she deserves better. She knows I mean me, but I fear that she cares too much about me to take that next step. Maybe someday, probably not.

Number Three - Emily. Not much to say as of yet. She is a bit younger than me, and I think we hit it off pretty well. I just don't know where any of it is going, and I have the suspicion that it is dead in the water already. Probably my fault as well. I am interested, but I feel awkward a bit. I mean, I cannot remember the last girl I "dated". I have just gone from one serious relationship to another... And when it wasn't a relationship, it was... something else. Something that I never want to be a part of again. It is hard to start from scratch. Especially now. Perhaps counting your chickens can work both ways.


I guess inside you can offer the world to anyone, but they have to know you are offering, and they have to accept.


...I am not living a tragedy anymore.


I'll be your lover, i'll be forever
i'll be tomorrow, i am anything when i'm high
- Marilyn Manson "Dried Up, Tied And Dead To The World"

1, 2, 3,
I've got another, got another
1, 2, 3,
I've got another, got another
I've got another hit to hold me up this time,
don't you know what I mean boys?
- Stone Temple Pilots "Pruno"

I have been listening to alot of music lately.

Funny, alot of what I used to listen to doesn't mean that much to me anymore. I used to really like KORN and DEPECHE MODE... but now it just doesn't have the same... impact within.

Have I just outgrown it then?


This one for my heart and I cannot have her.
This one for my mind and I cannot have her.
This one for my lust and I cannot have her.
I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job. I am not my job.


...and some change.>
Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future. - Risky Business


Vindictive - (vin dik' tiv), adj. 1. disposed or inclined to revenge; vengeful. 2. proceeding from or showing a revengeful spirt. [< L vindict(a) vengeance, fem. of *vindictus (ptp. of *vindicere for vindicare; see VINDICATE) + -IVE] ---vindic'tive-ly, adv. ---vin-dic'tive-ness, n. ---Syn. 1. unforgiving. See Spiteful.

After a short talk with Nykanen, I was searching for a word to vaguely suit my personality.


Let me explain something - I never lose it. Ever since New Year's I have found a sense of calm in my life...

I never get mad at anyone else. No matter how much they ride my ass all day, nor how condescending they can be...at times. No matter how they speak OUT, when they really mean AT you. No matter how long they have been there, and are expecting me to perform at their current experience and speed. Regardless of the fact that I make half as much money as they do, and have been there the time that I have. Regardless of how I have to put up with people when THEY lose it. Regardless of how I am never the one complaining.

At times it gets to me. Perhaps it is because of my personality... When I do get frustrated/mad it is only at myself. It would be so easy to place the blame... but I do not.

Perhaps they are just kidding around and I am taking it seriously. Perhaps I take myself and my job too seriously.

Maybe I just care too much, want them to like and approve of me too much. It just seems important that they do so, and I try.

But. It is just a job. Just a job and a source of income. Just my way to sustain my lifestyle, and to improve it by paying off school.

Getting along with everyone is just a bonus. There is not one person who I work with that I do not like...

That being said...

Towards the end of the job on Saturday, I was hanging shutters on a job, and I put the screwgun through a piece of trim. I hate shutters. It probably kept us from leaving the job about a 1/2 hour. And it did get to me. I used the word "fuck" in just about every combination possible in about 30 seconds. Funny how everyone was strangely silent after that.

It just made me think...

I am not my job.

It isn't worth it to me to get angry at anything or anyone. Not worth it at all. And realizing that has given me a totally new perspective on where I work and who I work with.


You'll never see this rose that I am holding for you
so beautifully oblivious

Today, we sold the Diablo 2 account on ebay. It went for $192.55, which Nykanen and I are going to split.

So, between that and the $100 or so I am getting for my old computer parts, my upgrades are going to run $100 out-of-pocket.

What am I getting? 1.4ghz Athlon XP processor, 256mb of DDR 2100 ram, and a new case. I know, I know, I upgraded about 6 months ago to what I have now... I just want something faster to last me for another year or so. Also, I have always wanted an AMD athlon.


It has actually been pretty warm here for January. Working outside isn't really that bad, as long as you dress for it. I do. "Johnny Bundles" is what they call me at work.

Speaking of which... Sometimes I feel as though I have less and less in common with everyone at work, every day.

They just live a totally different lifestyle than I do. I am not going to say better or worse... Just different, and I find it hard to relate sometimes. I feel out of place.

Have I been that sheltered?


I wouldn't call it sighing.

Everything is starting to settle into a pattern now. There is a countdown... A block of time. In this block there are events, dates of significance. Some are close, some are far away. Just a little less important.

Things will be forgotten, lost. Only to be recalled upon the randomness of memory.

For now, however... Normalcy. Or at least what I consider to be so.

I can say that things are better. I am relaxed. Calm.

I don't really know how to describe it... It is as if I have been dead on the inside for so long... Or at least somewhere else. Such as the past.

Now I look around... and for once everything is current. The present, and the future have my attention.

I will not lie, there is a feeling of guilt within me. As if I have said goodbye to a dear friend. My friend, Lament. It is odd to not have it by my side. It is odd to think that alot I have held dear for so long, is now nothing more than ash. Almost as if I miss it.

Perhaps it is just a quiet sorrow. I know not yet.

There is no wonder any more. No more reconsidering. I say my goodbyes, and all there is left... is to fade.


I have decided to do my journal just a bit different this year. Hopefully I can get all the archiving done correctly.

This is not really a journal anymore... It is a tale.

A tale of REVOLT! and the elusive deity.