All of my muses are dead.
Where did I put that
sword...
shield...
Where did I hang my wings?

Last night could have went better.

Sure, it started off fine... I went out with Margarita to her place in Troy, where she made me dinner. She had printed out the entirety of my poetry page - in response to me telling her that I had written about her in there somewhere. As we were eating... I glanced at my work... it was 10 printed pages... I never knew that I had that much.

It was hard to read.. with every passing statement I was back at that moment. Some that I swore I would never feel again. People I would never visit. Those who have made it abundantly clear that they are not worth my time... as I was not worth theirs.

As I read, I realized that I had written about her more than I thought.

I don't deal with how I feel about her. It finally dawned on me last night.

So there she is, guessing. She marks out the ones that she thinks are about her, as I told her I would not tell her. She gets the two easy ones right away (They were on the first page). She doesn't get anymore. Some were, in fact... way off. The ones about a person hurting me... she took a few of those... Has she ever hurt me?

This one for my heart and I cannot have her.
This one for my mind and I cannot have her.
This one for my lust and I cannot have her.

You'll never see this rose that I am holding for you
so beautifully oblivious

We end up laying around on her bed... After some prodding I seperate the sheets... make a small pile of three where the other ones about her are. There were a total of five that I counted...

Immediately I realized my mistake...and, much to her dismay, i shuffled them back into place. After that I didn't have much to say to her. I mean come on, John. Don't cross that line. In a split second I realized that what is complex to me, is simple to her... and I envy that. So, with few words said, she proceeds to start driving me home. The car ride is a continued silence.

When she gets closer to my house, she starts to inquire about what is wrong. I told her that it was a mistake to point her in the right direction on what I have written about her. I told her I stopped before more damage was done. She said she values me as a friend... and doesn't want to ruin what we have by being a shitty girlfriend, who would end up making me hate her.

What are you thinking about? Nothing.
I know how you feel about me, John. No, you don't. And it doesn't make a difference.
Why doesn't it make a diffrence? It hasn't made a difference in three years, Margarita.

That was pretty much it.

I love her. To what extent, I don't know. Because it truly doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how I feel to her.

She is the only person left who can hurt me. Everyone else has been banished from my heart forever. It is her, and only her... what sucks is that I am locked up so tight that I am so afraid of letting anyone in... I am so afraid of being hurt again. Sometimes it is unbearable... and with her, for a few hours that I get to see her... I don't feel alone. I know she loves me, and she is there.

So, for all of this armor... I feel like a scrambled yolk inside of an uncracked egg. What do I say now? Where do we go from here?

BTW, Margarita... I know you are going to read this.. so here goes.

You don't want to hear----what I have always tried to tell you...

I wish you could look through my eyes

I like to look at you-
I like to feel your eyes
I like touching you-
feel your body next to mine
To hold you-to kiss you-
now I miss these
Withdrawn and killing me
these things that I need

...

What, in these days of misguided lament... Keep me going? I would have to say... Defiance.

Unaccepting, Spiteful... I wish to call out all the world and scream: You will not break me.

I am such a fool.

God bless hip hugger jeans. Wait.

Ahem.

It has been a rough week. I cannot seem to shake this sickness. My voice has returned, well most of the time. I got sick last night... When I was out with Ann Marie.

How embarrassing.

I am sure my recent change in diet doesn't help - I think my body is revolting against me.

I have given up fast food... Yeah yeah I know I have said this before. I just hate getting off of work and saying to myself "What am I going to eat?" and just going to Weny's or something. I am all fast-fooded out. I don't feel healthy... And it is expensive. I have also given up going out to breakfast... Also saving some cash... I just eat CRISPIX instead. Cereal is good, and good for you.

Just not satisfied with how I look. I lost a ton of weight last summer... then it stablilized and I have not been able to lose any more. Then again, I have not changed my diet until now.

Also. The nectar of the gods - Pop. I tried giving that up... Lasted the past three days until my withdrawel ended up giving me a pounding headache. I think I am just too addicted to caffeine to go without.

So, I cracked today and bought a pepsi on the way home from work... By the time I got home my head had cleared. So, I am just going to try and cut down.

It sucks.

...

Well, I have gotten my money situation finally under control. I have drawn up a plan of how much money I make, and what bills I have to pay. Being organized is going to help me pay off my damn credit card bills. It is just a simple text file... Nothing too dramatic.

Damn tickets are killing me.

...

Oh yes, the fish. I bought some fish last Sunday - A balla shark, and a reed fish (looks like an eel)... Jaws and Toma respectively. (Toma, short for Tomagotchi, which still hurts when I think of how attached I was to mine and it DIED)... But just like any other toy, my interest has slightly waned, and they will be moved out of my room into the living room soon. Fish smell like fish.

...

Everyone tells me to stop looking for a girlfriend. "The moment you stop looking..." blah. Things have not changed with Margarita. What is going on with her, anyhow? What is going on between us?

Well, I still need someone to go out with. I would like to go to the club tonight... but I have no one to go with. I will not go alone... and I have to work tomorrow... ick.

...

Some weird things have been happening lately. For one, my mind drifts back to Madonna at random. Second, I had a dream that my parents died... I still feel off balance about things. I would write more, but it just seems as though I am rehashing everything. Over and over again.

I just need to win the lotto tonight. "If I won the lotto, you would never see me again" - What I said at work today. Probably true.

I feel alive.

More so than I have felt in I don't remember how long. I have control over everything. My emotions, my money.

I have spent some time with Margarita lately, and things are different. It is at it were when I met her. How it should have been. I love talking to her... I mean really talking. It is nice to have someone to talk to, and I had never thought of that in the entire time I have been alone. All I have had is this... my journal. Which I love as well... But it is different.

She has come over the past few days, and we lay around, watch movies. As is our relationship.

...

I have seen Queen of the Damned 3 times now. Right now I have an addiction to song # 3 on the soundtrack. "System" - by - Chester Bennington Of Linkin Park

I can't stop listening to it.

Why is everything so fucking hard for me?
Keep me down-
to what you think
I should be
Must you tempt me
and provoke the ministry
Keep on trying
I'm not dying so easily

First off - I am sick. I think it is passing now, although I still have no voice. - Or maybe a grainy one at that.

Yesterday I slammed a whole bottle of cherry NYQUIL when I got home from work... I figured that I would just sleep the whole day. That my body would fix itself if I just hibernated for a day.

Things did not go according to plan.

Two hours after I laid down to sleep... My mom calls me and wants to go look at a computer for her. I talk to her on my cell phone, agree to go. I was kind of groggy at first from just waking. Then I sat up. My head was spinning. Not the room, my head. I would turn my head one way and everything would just keep going.

Regardless, I stumbled out the door as my mom picked me up. I spent the next few hours spinning... Then came home and went to bed.

"This is why I don't drink"

...

Second - Go see QUEEN OF THE DAMNED - it was great.



Stuart Townsend delivered a dead-on (no pun intended) performance as the vampire Lestat. Much more impressive than Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire. Aaliyah was great too. I don't care what all the naysayers say - Harry Knowles, my roomate Joe, etc. - This movie kicked ass. The music was placed perfectly. It had a great look and a feel to it.

Definately a solid 4 stars out of 5. This one is an owner, and I picked up the soundtrack after leaving the theater.

am i concerned of you
with the laying
or the sleeping?
Do I worship
The tears of joy
or the long faded sweat?
what binds me still
to you

One year.

One year since the last time I spoke Madonna. Since that last phone call... Her most prolific and final betrayal to me.

... and it was just another day.

She will never know the ongoing revenge I score, every time I wake up in the morning. For living my life, breathing. For having an unrelenting hope, a desire... To find something better than her. To be happy.

I know who and where I am now. More than ever.

Do you?

I hope you read this. Besides the embedded vindictiveness, I am the same person I have always been. I just hope that you fall as far as I will fly someday.

The sad part is... I would grant you the mercy that you could not spare to me.

I am better than what you are. I am better than what we had. Know this, and your eternal reward... shall be, regret.

It hurts to feel the way I do.

On the way home from the movies (Which I, for the first time in my life, went alone) - I thought about something I have written.

"If religion is the opiate of society, then love is the opiate for life" - And it just pains me that I feel that way.

Um.

Not sure what to think of this. "Dale" signed my guestbook as of the last entry, and I am not sure if it is a "shot" or not.

Does anybody ever answer you, John?
How are you sleeping these days?

-dale
-Feb 02 2002, 02:25 pm

Well. Dropslash then put "Answer" - so here goes.

1. Does anybody ever answer me?

Yes. They do occasionally. And to tell "you" the truth... I love the feedback. I don't write my journal or poetry for anyone in particular. I used to just think that I wrote my page for myself. To just collect my thoughts... But after people started to respond, I didn't mind knowing that I was sharing. Kill me if I want to be read.

I do not have alot of people to talk to. Yes, I have friends, but it is just different...

The past few years have been turbulent in my life. Alot has happened... Even though as I feel the worst has past - Sometimes I just need to get things out. Whether I do that here, or in my poetry.

Like I have constantly said, I am just trying to be honest with myself... To the best degree that I can, knowing that everyone, including me... Lie to themselves. We have to, to get by. And that, to me, is what faith is all about. Anyone remember beLIEve?

2. How am I sleeping these days?

Well, I am not sure how to take this one. If this is something negative... as if I should have guilt... I do not. I have done some very un-JOHN things in the past year or so. Things that make me, looking back... wonder who I was at the time. Doing things just for the sake of doing them. Being with people just because they were there. I am not going to name any names, but I know who the mistakes were. I am done making excuses for it.

I have vowed to not feel guilty, to not regret what has happened. It happened, and nothing I will ever say or do will change it. So I have moved on. Unfortunately, in losing regret, you have to take the good with the bad.

... But if this question is literal.

I am sleeping okay I guess. I stay up on average until 11pm or midnight. Usually I have to get up at 5am, so I do not get what most people would consider adequate sleep. It has always been that way with me, and I usually just "Go" as some people have said.

... Sort of on the same subject. I guess sometimes it would just be nice to not wake up alone.

With all everything coming up, and how I blow things way out of proportion... The way I am with blocks of time. One thing just still puzzles me, after all this time. At some point I had a solid connection with the different women I have loved. Both physically, and emotionally. To me these things do not waver... They are rock solid, permanent. And using that analogy, they can be said to have been eroded over time, but they never leave. The memory of how someone felt, in my heart, and touch. How they felt... These things will never leave me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. How you can have something like that... something you think is going to last forever. Something you KNOW will.

Then it is gone. And you wonder if you will ever feel it again. You wonder, you hope, and you doubt.

...I wrote this earlier today.

i am addicted to
the wounds you inflicted
knowing i will forever bleed
the stigmata on my soul
solace in the fact
you are no more a goddess
than i am a god.

I dunno. I just hope someone isn't flaming my gbook again.

Well, I have been without internet access for the past few days... They shut off our cable modem to "upgrade" our service.

Ummmm... they forgot to send the new modem. Duh. Kind of hard to upgrade with no service....

...

Anyway... that is all solved now and we are all back online. I am playing Diablo II again... something to do.

... I am also writing again... So I should be posting some new stuff soon.

I am bored.. DAMMIT PEOPLE LEAVE FEEDBACK, AND FIND ME A GIRLFRIEND.