12.31.2005

[x]End.

Well everyone... It's time to say goodbye.

I want to thank everyone who has visited the site over the past 5+ years.

There are some asking me why I am shutting down the site... well there is a multitude of reasons, but basically it boils down to this:

I just don't need it anymore.

This journal has been for me (most of the time) to help me sort alot of things out. This whole thing has been one big long chapter of my life, and now it is time to close up shop and move on.

So where do I go from here?

Over the past day or so I have been kicking around a few ideas. I was thinking about starting a journal anonymously, unlinked and related to deadpixel.org. I will miss writing here for my friends and strangers to read, however I have had to censor myself from time to time, and I no longer wish to do so if am to continue writing.

I thought about turning this site into something else, more of a social commentary than personal...

I know I will be taking January off from any sort of web publishing... It doesn't necessarily mean I am going to stop writing... just not here.

However, absence makes the heart grow fonder... So who knows. I don't want to run a page that I never post to or just let sit there in someone's bookmarks needlessly.

(Which in truth it has become over the past few months)

So again, thank you.

[x]Prelude to an epilogue.

This should be the final entry...

IF YOU ARE GOING TO PRESS PLAY - "Disappearing World" by David Gray

YEAR IN REVIEW

JANUARY - I guess things started off well (Beth) then just kind of ended. "Oh the games we play" and "Go pistons", Japanese Horror Film Festival at my house... by myself.
FEBRUARY - 5th annual SPA (single person awareness) day, buh-bye Beth. Hit level 60 in World of Warcraft. Deja vu, all over again.
MARCH - Laid off! Metrotimes BLOWOUT (internship began), The SIGHTS are awesome, Florida.
APRIL - Self-delusion, Straylight run concert.
MAY - New NIN album, kill onyxia for the first time, Episode III has a GREAT ending
JUNE - Too much to say (so I don't write anything)
JULY - where am I?
AUGUST - Got into INTERPOL, Preseason Lions game with my dad, Really looking forward to football (turned out they sucked)
SEPTEMBER - Work began on my first book (on hiatus) - redesigned my site... built a new computer. I join myspace. Turn a corner in my life. Quit dnd after 7+ years.
OCTOBER - Ben & Meg's wedding, Lonely and LOST, I "save someone's life"
NOVEMBER - I beat depression and get totally wasted at my birthday party, Noel moves to Florida :(
DECEMBER - Decide to shut down www.deadpixel.org, xmas is good to me! Forced myself through all the HARRY POTTER movies (where previously I had been king naysayer) Saw lots of good movies like Munich.

RESOLUTIONS REVIEW 2005

1. Be healthier - It started off really well with the time I had off of work... However once the full schedule kicked in I found my freetime severely reduced... I gave up pop though!

2. Find peace - It took a very stressful stretch, but finally I looked around and decided that my life isn't that bad. I found alot of peace since then.

3. Be happy - Whatever comes before happiness (anxiousness?) - i'm there.

4. Be a good Son/Brother/Uncle/Grandson - Living 30 minutes away from everyone made this hard, but I did my best. Wrote my dad a letter, coming clean on how I felt about him (in a good way) - made him cry.

5. Do NOT let WoW ruin my life - Probably played more than I should have... but it didn't ruin me :)

6. Write more journal/poetry - I wrote alot in the first few months... but over the course of rest of the year I ran out of things to say... I guess that straightening your life out isn't as exciting as being sad or delusional.

ENDING NOTE.
I still just want a little peace and a little lovin. God help the katrina victims and still praying for all the Matt Lacki's overseas. Everyone be safe and love one another.

12.13.2005

[x]closing time.

I could think of some clever intro or something, but I might as well get to it.

www.deadpixel.org - as we know it... will be closing in 18 days. December 31st, when I post my year in review, will be it.

11.30.2005

[x]hiatus.over.

lost and then found
i shrug all anchors and cast off
shed the pain and shackles
gained the confusion
of wondering why
i cannot function without disfunction.


I beat it. I don't know how or why. There was no single incident, there was nothing that stands out, no breaking point.

I beat depression. No drugs. No therapy.

Five years and I can finally breathe. I can life no longer wondering why I am alive. No longer feeling as though I have this huge weight on my heart.

How did I do it? Faith. Not religious faith. Just faith.

I cut myself loose from so much. I fought for every inch. This rollercoaster ride for so long. Wavering so many times. Standing up, falling to my knees.

I had to take myself out of the negativity of the life I used to lead. Stability was my saving grace. My family, my friends. The rest happened out of sheer will.

Odd feeling to love my family and friends so much, yet to feel indifferent about my own life. Only to feel in a vicarious fashion. Feeling happiness only from giving happiness, and the same with love.

This is no miracle. I am still human and flawed. Still lonely. However I am not consumed by my hate anymore. My spite.

I look back at this entry and it probably will make no sense to anyone. Articulate and expressive as I am - I am having a problem putting this all into words.

Which is where I have been this past month. I hope I can get some of it down soon...

I just don't know where to go from here.

10.31.2005

[x]I saved someone's life - their words not mine.

We had a huge job on friday. The homeowner was an older guy, who had just lost his wife a year prior... His son was the person we were dealing with.

So, we got to it. We installed the windows as we always do, assembly-line style in a circle.

Around 3pm we were making pretty good progress. The other guys were working outside, leaving me the only worker in the house. I was on the kitchen sink window, kneeling on the sinkboard (the board we put over the sink so we don't fall in) - I could hear the old guy (who had been in the basement since we arrived) come up the stairs.

I opened my mouth to greet him, but the words never left my lips. He got to the top stair, and down he went. Backwards, headfirst, down the stairs.

Immediately I jumped off and looked down the stairs. He wasn't moving. In a blur I took off my toolbelt, shouted out the front door for someone to call 911. The radio was on outside, so it took a bit more yelling to get their attention.

With someone calling, I made my way down the stairs slowly. His son had left, I was alone - Looking at this guy, his head in a pool of blood... He wasn't moving.

I thought he was dead. It looked like someone had shot him in the head, and he was laying on basement floor on his back, his legs on the stairs.

Oh my god he's dead. Oh my god he's dead....

He blinked. He groaned.

On of my co-workers came to the top of the stairs and I had him get a towel. There was blood all over. There was tuft of hair stuck on the stairs.

I knelt at his head, told him my name. He was severely disoriented... I put his glasses back on and took a look at his head. Part of his scalp was missing (tuft) - he had cuts all over his face and head. I put the towel under his head so his weight could put pressure on the bleeding.

It all went by so fast. I washed out of the EMT program (my decision) but alot of latent things came to the surface immediately. I got him talking, I held his head stable. Becoming more and more concious, he wanted to get up. I told him to stay put and held his head down. Luckily his legs were on the stairs, giving him no leverage to get up.

I asked him the questions that I haven't even thought about in years... Funny that I deliver a flawless diagnostic check on him when I couldn't do it at the national registry test.

He was getting pretty pissed but I held him and kept him talking, telling him that the ambulance was on it's way and that THEY were going to tell him the same thing I was - not to move.

When I was checking his head I looked at my hands in turn... both covered in his blood. Man I wish I had some gloves, I thought.

All of this happens in the span of 60 seconds... I keep him stabilized and within a few minutes the Paramedics show up (good response guys, god bless) and tend to him.

I got upstairs and wash the blood off my hands, and have my coworkers check me for any other blood on me. I wash my hands again...

After that I realize I'm shaking. Severely. I guess that is alot of deal with in a span of 10 minutes... A thousand thoughts running through my head (I am going to have to perform CPR, omfg he's dead)

They wrapped him up, they put him on a board, a stretcher, and left. I got some sanitizer from the paramedics... and they were gone. When another child of his arrived, we finished up and went home.

A few days later I get the news from my crew leader who was called. The guy turned out to be okay, some cuts/scrapes/bruises... No one is sure what caused the fall yet... I was happy to hear that he was going to be alright.

Since that day I have put alot of thought to my time spent in the EMT program. I did not pass the national registry test - and I gave up... That was a sign. I could have gone back and taken it again, probably passed with a little more practice. (In my defense I passed the class and book-wise I was badass).

However, since then I have realized a few things...

1. I am too compassionate to have someone's life in my hands. I can't "turn it off" and be the machine that people need. I cannot shut down my emotions, because I care too much.

2. I make more money than they do. :)

So, that was one of the many paths that I wasn't meant for. I made some great friends that I still see and talk to in that program. Some of my best friends.

Although I was never contacted directly (not much for attention) - My bosses were called and thanked for what we (I) did that day by the guy's son. They will be writing a letter to Wallside (I wonder if I will be referred to in name ) - I am just glad that I was there to help him, and am grateful that I was in the house when he fell. I shudder to think if he would have went undiscovered for any amount of time.

So everyone has been making a small deal of me being some kind of hero... This is the cliche part where I say that they would have done the same thing (glad I had some training though).

I am just thankful I was there to help. That's it.

10.23.2005

[x]i ask myself questions, and tell only lies.

i have checked all the mirrors
i can't find my demons in any of them
my reflection a duplication
or an opposite?

is my black
everyone else's white?
cutter on the inside
i cannot help
but writing in blood
when all the tears are long gone...

10.10.2005

[x]go tell your alien brothers... that Ronnie Cordova says they're GAY!


www.sockbaby.com - nuff said.

10.06.2005

[x]If only I were an Apollo candy bar.

I am a pretty big fan of LOST. I am not that kind of crazy numerology look-for-symbols-in-everything kind of fan, I just like the show.

Sawyer is definately my favorite character... and then there is Kate (Evangeline Lilley)



There is something about her that just gets me. Green eyes, freckles (hot) - the long dark hair.

Wow, watching her eat that candy bar a week ago... damn...

10.03.2005

[x]ok, breathe.

Alright. I have had a bad day. Actually, up until last weekend... I was having a horrible month. Pretty much the entire month of September (which is my least favorite month) had me sick with some kind of flu.

The worst day was 2 weeks ago when I got pulled over for speeding. That was an extremely shitty day. Today I am going at it with a friend over dumb shit...

Everything has been going wrong. I'm sick of it.

...

It's time to fix my life. Seriously I have been letting way too much crap back up behind my "outta sight, outta mind" existence. I am in debt. I have a few more LBS. than I want to have. I don't have a girlfriend.

I am lonely and pissed off.

It's too late to salvage this year as far as the debt thing goes with the coming winter. However I swear to god by the end of 2006 I am going to be out of debt. Permanently. I am going to fix my shitty credit. I am going to pay off Eastern, take my last stupid class, and get my stupid excuse for a degree.

I am going to get a girlfriend who isn't psycho. I am going to get my truck fixed. I am going to stop taking shit from everyone.

Argh.

I am going to have my life pointing FORWARD for the first time, ever. Forward. Not looking back, not treading water. Forward.

[x]this will do for now.

the stones come from heaven
to the ones in purgatory
the ones waiting for life to break
waiting to move on
looking up
we make easy targets

how can i find redemption
when i can't forgive myself?
how can i be saved
when all i want to do is not care?
living the irony
being murdered by compassion

never feeling anything for myself
this vicarious life
where i have as much faith
as i have wasted potential
wishing sometimes
that i could bend this halo into horns

and i'm nothing
irreversible but never green
never empty
i would kill myself if my life was
ever such a straight line
if i ever caught myself
living for only me
so tell me
did you have a story to tell?

10.02.2005

[x]always a groomsman, never a groom.

Ben and Meg's wedding was yesterday. I am out the door to return the tux right now, but here are some pictures.

9.24.2005

[x]misercord.


wishing away my invulnerability
giving away the misercord
and turning my back
to see what happens
wearing flawless armor
isn't worth it anymore

closing time
for the graveyard
where all have died to get in
and my heart died to stay in
to stay safe
alone and king
every subject a ghost
and every tombstone a thorn

existing only in the past and the present
eliminates existence in the future
walking backwards
looking over your shoulder
is no existence at all

9.15.2005

[x]New computer stuff!.

Most of my new computer stuff (except hard drive coming monday) has arrived.

Installing now... see you soon.

9.11.2005

[x]2 week overload.

dig deep enough in the past
and you will find it
the bodies are still there
the skeletons in the closets are there
dig deep enough
and you will find everything how you left it
all of the highs are gone
nothing left
but pain
right where you left it

[x]9/11 again.

Song of the moment - "Wake me up when September ends" by Green Day (American Idiot)

I don't have alot to say this year. September 11th will always be a day of sadness for me, and this site will ALWAYS pay tribute to the victims for the following week.

It still hurts to think about it, really. We live in a different world now because of what happened 4 years ago.

9.08.2005

[x]5 years (the more things change the more they stay the same)

I forgot to post on my 5 year anniversary.

www.deadpixel.org was launched in August of 2000.

5 years... damn...

[x]graphic draft #1.

[x]myspace.com

For a variety of reasons, I have joined MYSPACE.COM - here is the link!

http://www.myspace.com/thedeadpixel


I will probably shadow my journal entries over there...

9.06.2005


[x]Book Title.

I am working on my first poetry book. I have two titles in mind.

Title #1 - "Girls named M." (original title)

Title #2 - "A wound before armor" (leaning towards)

I know the graphic I am going to use for the cover.

9.05.2005

[x]Patch notes!

There has been a minor site redesign.

Basically the comments engine and the archive have been streamlined, something that actually works now! :)

[x]TITLE.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

8.24.2005

[x]About goddamn time.

Song of the moment - "untitled" by Interpol (Track 1 Bright Lights)

I want to change. The reason I haven't said anything significant since April wasn't so much because nothing was really going on - (although nothing really happened externally) - it was because I really needed to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

When did I become so weak? I guess enough time has gone by where I can lose this haze. This emotionally medicated life. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I can see now:

Kelly was a waste of fucking time. Beth was an EXTREME waste of my fucking time.

Since when does the bronto settle for a maybe? Since when does the possibility of a relationship justify delusions of romantic grandeur? FFS both of my unfortunately long-lived attachments and obsessions were purely fictional. The irony is that I cannot blame them. It was me, it was what I wanted more than anything that produced these self-brainwashing lies...

Never again. I need to change. I need to make things more cut and dry with who I am seeing. Because there is nothing between the lines, there never was.

My life has spiraled out of control since Sarah left. Anyone who knows me and knew me at that time - can probably look back and see how I've gotten here.

It has been a slow process, I will admit. Burying yourself under a rock for such a long time, then digging yourself out... I remember it so well, but it still feels like it happened to someone else. Everything with Sarah, then the fallout with Madonna afterwards... I guess I was asking for it stacking two serious relationships back to back... I had to pull myself out of the game in order to survive.

It feels like a story, and that main character lived past the day that Sarah left, when in reality he died.

I died that day she left. I realize it now, what I have been doing since is trying to find any way back to feel alive again. The people I have dealt with, the beds I have been in... All of the fucked up things I have done...

All of my dreams, all of the things I have believed in up to and since that point... it's all over.

I let her go and she never came back, as much as I have begged and prayed and looked for her in other girls... she never came back. It wasn't meant to be.

As sad as it makes me, and as much as it hurts - the John that watched that door shut and drove away... It's time to let that person die.

People have come and gone, and alot of things have happened, but emotionally I have been stuck in the same place she left me. It is surreal to feel the present snap back into the past. And now I see it - life has moved on without me...

That dream is dead and has been so for a long time. At least in the past few years I have stabilized the rest of my life (Family, Job, living in the R.O., etc.) - just a little bit more effort to get rid of some debt and figure out where I am going to go from here. I'm 26 and I feel like I am 20, as though I have missed out on so much.

What I believed in was beautiful. Although that will always be a part of me, it is time to bury it in the graveyard that has become my heart. Things are always better in memory than they actually are... That was the heaven I have dealt with over the past 7 years. My inner solace. My novacaine.

All of it has made me a weak person... No more. I will never let someone walk all over me like I have these girls. No fucking way.

I have learned SO much being so lonely, but that lesson needs to end. I need a relationship that is 50/50, give and take. Not this 10/90 shit I have endured. Fuck all that noise. I am never going to love someone until they deserve it, and above all -

...until they love me back.

8.21.2005

[x]I should be driving, but I am really writing on this bank deposit envelope.

Notes.

years - feels like yesterday
every time i drive
every time i wake up
you're not here

i hope you have moved on
i hope that you are happy
unlike me

live a life of second best
a life of second choice

all these people love me
and i am falling apart at the seams

where the loss of faith ends
lonliness begins

letting that person die
euthanize the dreamer

set the bar
set the stage
the dream ends with you

8.20.2005

[x]Go Lions!

I am taking my dad to the Lion's preseason game at Ford Field. Will be both of our first time going there.

Yeah, it's preseason, but I hope they kick the Cleveland Brown's asses.

8.08.2005

[x]life of the living dead.

the moment you left
the moment i died -
even though i am the ghost
you are the one that haunts me.

what else can i be?
losing the ability to affect the world
losing the ability to speak
frozen in one moment
my heart reaching out
losing the ability to feel

everything a one-way mirror
everything numb and grey
any light given
into a multitude of colors
but none to return

8.04.2005

[x]There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Song of the moment - "only" by Nine Inch Nails (track 8 on with teeth)

I just made you up to hurt myself


It's coming... bear with me.

7.08.2005

6.20.2005

[x]Bronto Begins

"Katie Holmes is a respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm going to see her boobs." - Harold and Kumar go to white castle.

Speaking of which. Err... OKAY I ADMIT IT... I looked up Katie Holmes's boobs on the internet. Googled and then oogled. Gimme a break I am dude. Ahem.

What I meant to say (in regards to HAKGTWC)was Paula Garces is absolutely gorgeous.

Just give me long dark hair, and dark eyes... and I am all set.

What else...

I've been writing... well sort of. Jotting down alot of ideas here and there, taking voice records on my phone. When I started after getting home from Florida, it was all really dark. There has been a shift in my personality, and I am not sure where it will take me.

I need to post some.

6.06.2005

[x]R.I.P. deadpixel.org 2000 - 2005.

...just kidding.

This is really crazy.

It's not that I do not have alot to say, it's that I have TOO MUCH to write here and I don't know where to start.

BBL.

5.24.2005

[x]MY NEW EMPIRE.

Episode III was AWESOME.

If you are going to press play - "Anakin's Betrayal, Anakin vs. Obi-Wan, Anakin's Dark Deeds" Tracks 4, 9, and 10 on the Revenge of the Sith OST.

Favorite part: Anakin flipping out and absolutely losing his mind.
1. LIAR!
2. YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME!
3. YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!
4. You will try...
5. My new empire...


The final duel vs. Obi-Wan gave me goosebumps... Seriously it is the only thing that really affected me in all 3 of the prequels. John Williams (who wrote the score) is a genius.

Least favorite part: Anything with Natalie Portman. She is hot but now I realize that she was a crappy choice for her character. The wooden relationship between her and Hayden Christensen wasn't just bad writing. Because you BUY bad writing if the actors pull it off.

Also I have decided to disregard Episode I, and look at is as nothing more than a warmup for the real story. I can't even watch it anymore, except for 5 minutes of it. Darth Maul was cool, the duel at the end was cool, but everything else pretty much sucked. The vast majority of the movie is a joke of a kid's film.

I'll try spinning! That's a neat trick! *!@#)!#Q$!@#$(*@#)$)@#*$

Jar-Jar, Natalie Portman, anything Jake Lloyd does or says, and stupid CGI droid/gungan battle aside, the prequel trilogy wasn't that bad. I blame the list above, because I can live with poor dialogue as long as it is delivered convincingly. Maybe George Lucas should have had the older Anakin down before casting Padme (She had no charisma with Hayden). Kiera Knightly would have been a better choice I think.

Oh well. It's all over and there is no use crying over spilled milk. But going from Episode I to III is like raping my childhood and giving me a lollipop after.

However, the end of Episode III has just gotten to me (the final duel) - It has become probably my favorite Star Wars moment. Don't get me wrong, I still love the original trilogy... I just identify more with Anakin than Luke.

5.18.2005

[x]LORD BRONTO.... *YES MASTER*..... RISE....



STAR WARS EPISODE III in 7 hours!!! w00t!

5.12.2005

[x]Pain as pleasure.

The new Nine Inch Nails album With Teeth has pretty much asserted itself as the soundtrack of my life right now...



So go get it.

The standout tracks are 1, 2, 4, 6 and 13 (My favorite) so far. Here are the most relevant.

1 - All the love in the world - Envy.

No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as if the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles a--

Why do you get all the love in the world?


2 - "You know what you are" - Beth.

DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!
DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!


6 - "Everyday is exactly the same" - Job.

I believe I can see the future,
because I repeat the same routine.


13 - "Right where it belongs" - Soul.

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all...right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the ones,
Are you hiding in the trees?

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?


I haven't been this affected by an album since Staind's "Dysfunction" which probably saved my life... Once again I find myself in a place where I am dealing with alot of things internally... I just need to write and get it all out.

The anger of frustration.

With Teeth is just so dark... As odd as it sounds the darker and more hopeless something is, the better it makes me feel.

5.07.2005

[x]Onyxia has been slain!

I guess there isn't much left to do in wOw that I have time for.

4.18.2005

4.07.2005

[x]Straylight Run concert.

Dammit I lost my original entry...

I took Margarita to the Straylight Run concert tonight at the Majestic Theater in downtown Detroit. We arrived late but still caught two of the opening bands - Honorary Title and Minus the Bear. Both were really good.

Straylight Run was GREAT. I have been into their album for a while now, and they sounded excellent live. One song stood out in particular to me, as the lyrics sounded really familiar:

So, if you are going to press play - "For the Best" by Straylight Run

it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined, stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace
but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself
and said it was for the best
so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was
now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn
the more i can't understand

and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say it's for the best.
we're moving forward, but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on something that will never come

4.05.2005

[x]Florida III (obituary PS).

If you are going to press play - "Failed" by Joseph Arthur (Our shadows will remain)

Now you're gone, and I don't know why
You removed yourself in the blink of an eye
When the seasons change, all you can do is cry
Now you're gone, and I don't know why

Maybe I failed, maybe I failed


I will admit, I am glad I went. The call was made merely hours before departure... The convincing my argument was my roomate saying "When are you going to get another vacation?"

So my parents, chelz and kevin, and I went. With the 5 of us I was the odd man out.

Which dawned on me on the trip down. An overwhelming wave of loneliness hit me pretty square and pretty quick. When I finally got my mp3 player working (damn bios reset) I just started zoning out into the music (Mr. Brightside again by The Killers)... Never really lost conciousness, and before leaving at 3 am I didn't sleep. At about 36 hours of being awake... The hallucination cleared and it came to me.

I really miss Beth


The last time the two of us really talked was before valentine's day in Feb. I had said maybe 2 things to her between that and St. Patty's, where I went out with everyone and said maybe 3 things to her before bailing home.

So I talked to her on AIM on my phone, and sent her some text messages... Nothing really happened (she didn't like what I wrote about her) but I was in contact with her again and happy.

When we finally settled in the condo, after a day or so I was just feeling kind of empty. Kind of like a black hole in the pit of my stomach. Not sure if it was my mom having my dad or chelz having kevin... Just felt kind of detached. All I could do was try and shove that way down inside as usual. I just couldn't get my mind off of her... I would have given anything to have her there...

I really miss Beth, and I think I love her.


When I admitted that to myself, it just kind of tore me up inside. I promised myself I wouldn't ever repeat the same mistake I made again... Falling for someone in an impossible situation. Love is hope in the face of inevitability I always say... and soon enough inevitability came crashing home.

As I pondered the similarity to what happened with Kelly waiting in line for a ride, I decided to call her (Kelly). With no answer I left a voicemail, but ended up calling her later that night and talking for a bit. Everything ended so abruptly with her, and I got the closure I wanted... Even if we never talk again (i doubt we will) I think the air was cleared and there are no hard feelings anymore.

The last night at the condo I picked up my book and wrote 8 poems with not much of a break in between. Now that might not seem like much, but my normal level of inspiration leads me to 2 or 3 over the course of a month.

The following day we were staying with some of my mom's friends and I once again picked up the book and wrote another 9. I had internet access on a laptop there, and ended up talking to Beth for a decent amount of time.

I just wanted things to go back to the way they were around New Year's. I wanted to be friends again like that instead of the awkwardness we have had since it all fell apart... I told her that...

... No one can ever accuse Beth of leading me on. Any hope of rekindling that was dashed pretty much immediately, for the sake of her friendship with my sister (her words, not mine).

...

So this is where that leaves me. It's a few days later and I have been putting off writing this since I got back.

The conversation ended on a somewhat positive level. Closure was there to be had, and at this point I doubt we will ever speak again on any significant level. Anything said will probably just be the polite hellos and goodbyes that any illusion of friendship would require. All of this makes me really sad, and my poor heart feels like it's carrying around sandbags. :(

On the other hand, the way I feel doesn't make a difference to her anyway. Now I see it never would have. It's not that she's a bad person or anything, she just had her heart set on not giving it away at that time... What really gets to me is how much hope I had for something that was obviously dead in the water before it even got started.

Timing. Story of my life.

I think my heart needs a CATSCAN, because it's fucking crazy the way everything turns out.

It is such a weird feeling, all of the things I am feeling now being such an afterthought.

4.03.2005

[x]Florida II (poems).

and these are dangerous thoughts
because i think i could love you
but i do not think
that you could give me what i need

anyone could love you 100 years
and never scratch the surface
of how much i love you
not that it even matters

shame that being so far away
i feel as though I'm closer
shame that when I get back
you'll feel so far away

infidelity is reality
the only loyalty left is to yourself
take what you can get I suppose
nobility is solitude

there are no equal shares
in love
admission is submission
becoming vunlerable is weakness

looking from this far away
everything is so perfect
peaceful and still
so foreign a way to exist

would it be the ultimate blasphemy
to say I have fallen out of love with love?
with my judas heart
the last person to lose faith in love

on the verge of dissention
every transfer of ink to page
bleeding through and bleeding out
every confession said or felt a sacrifice

i will miss your gentle voice
i take one for peace
one skeleton in the closet
is laid to rest

with the push of a button
i have the closure i wanted
i have all the peace and piece of mind
and all the devastation one could ever need

knowing where all the missing pieces are
i gather them
every one a piece of my death back
should i ever be whole again

you left me in my truck sayting goodbye
you left me on the phone
left forever with the opposite of ignorance
the opposite of bliss

my plans set into motion
all of the obvious ulterior motives
i've never feared death
i'm just afraid i'll never be alive

all of the carrion are gone
when my bones are cold
a predatory nature
will be a defense mechanism

packing the suitcase of my tragic faith
i write this and can't help but smile at the irony
in our obituary
i profess my love

the sun's always out here
all of this artificial perfection
give me my flaws of home back
give me back a rainy reality

do you know the story of arachne?
damned to forever desire
what i traded for my sins
the path to heaven is paved with bad intentions

[x]Florida I (pictures).

I didn't take alot of pictures, but from what I did take this is my favorite one:

My photo page is live!

3.31.2005

[x]Still here...

Much to my protest... I am still in FLA. I am on one of my mother's friend's ibook (sigh) as we are staying at their condo for a night before heading back to the MI.

Hopefully I will be home early Saturday morning. Just enough time to take a quick nap before I see the first showing of SIN CITY that I can get into.

As far as my vacation goes... A fair amount of things did happen... I will get to that when I get back...

However I will say this, I have written more in the past 2 days than I have this whole year...

See you soon.

3.24.2005

[x]The revolution can wait.

Fuck it. I'm off to Florida.

FTW while I'm gone, and hopefully FTW when I get back.

3.17.2005

[x]Disgust is too strong a word, Resent is too weak a word.

If you are going to press play - "A Smile That Explodes" by Joseph Arthur (Our Shadows Will Remain)

St. Patrick's Day 2005 = Disaster.

When I went out tonight I knew Beth was going to be there. I have said exactly TWO things to her in the past month. She returned my wristband when we were in the car - and the thought popped in my head "Wow - now I have no reason to talk to you anymore"... and those words almost simultaneously jumped out of my mouth.

...but that would be a mean thing to say.

So we go to dinner, then to a bar. Beth is sitting across from me and it just hit me. She is the kind of person that can sit across from me and act like nothing happened. However, I cannot sit across from HER and do the same.

The truth in the matter is I cannot take those steps back. I can be civil and nod and smile...

That was pretty much it for me, I left and ended up home just before 9pm.

Someone always has the power in relationships. I guess in some residual manner she still has it over me... Whatever she did she made her self less attractive to me over this past month... I look at her and think about things and just feel kind of "Blah". She lacks compassion, while I bleed it.

So, maybe some small part of me thought something would change, or maybe at least go back to how it was... Silly bronto, trix or for kids.

3.07.2005

[x]2b (heh), or rather, not 2b :)

If you are going to press play - "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss


This rest of that song is pretty dead on metaphorically. That is what I love about music... Always a song to define a mood or feeling at the right time.

Last weekend was the Metrotimes Hamtramck Blowout. It is a festival of local music at 20 venues, over 100 bands, over 4 nights. Margarita has been an intern for a while and she got me to volunteer to help out.

It was the most fun I have had in a VERY long time. It is Monday now and I am STILL exhausted (after party lasted until 4am on Sunday morning)...

Even though this lasted only a few days it reminds me of the summer institute I attended at Eastern back in 1994.

The thing is, I would never have met any of those people under normal circumstances. Everyone was super nice and very outgoing. All of the organizers were really laid back and although our role was very important to the festival, it was still a very casual atmosphere.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I worked 6pm - 2am, at 3 different bars with 3 different people. Two of the nights I had fun (One night at the Locker Room it was kind of lame but I had a hot chick to keep me company all night) - The other 2 nights the bands were good, the bars were cool, and I had alot of fun being the stage manager.

All I had to do was make sure the bands started and ended on time. It was cool to meet bands playing different types of music. Different ages as well.

The first night when I got home at 2:30am I was wired and couldn't sleep. It kind of set the tone for the whole weekend because during the day I was exhausted and giddy about going back.

The after party was really fun. All of the organizers showed alot of appreication, thanking me and everyone else for having the Blowout go smoothly (there were a few minor snags). It was open bar from 2am until 4am. I had a few (just a few, I had to drive home) - it was the first time I had really drank since my birthday back in November... I had given up drinking for Beth but she has chosen not to be a part of my life anymore so there that goes.

When it was time to say goodbye it was kind of sad. When I went home and took off the blowout t-shirt and the all access staff pass that was pretty sad too, because it was over. However I am really interested in becoming and intern myself and definately volunteering next year.

Being a day removed from it... I have been thinking about myself and who I was this past weekend. Under normal circumstances I am not a very social person. It's not that I am anti-social... I just keep to myself. I'm so quiet and shy that some of my mom's teacher friends didn't even know I existed until last week.

However, doing this forced me to be social, which was good for me. When we were all sitting around the table one night it dawned on me that I don't really have to try to be funny or charming, it's who I am. Margarita and I were playing off eachother and everyone was laughing.

This whole weekend I had to talk to hundreds of strangers, and more often than not I would catch myself smiling. It was genuine too. There was no acting or adapting... It's just who I was/am and I want to be like that everyday now.

This whole weekend I was up to my neck in cool people, fun bands, and hot chicks. It helped me alot of interact with them all (especially the girls).

Oh, and the bands? Check out THE SIGHTS!!! They were the last band I saw the last night and I was really impressed. They have a great sound and alot of enthusiasm.

Well here are some quick shout-outs in case anyone cares: Margarita - thank you so much for getting me involved and being a good friend. Colleen - thanks for letting me volunteer and being a beautiful person, inside and out (I can tell). Paycheck - You are the man. McHale - Red bulls forever. DEATH BY ACCORDION - Thanks for the t-shirt. POLISH MUSLIMS - You have to fight, for the right, kelbasaaaaaa. Natalie - Thanks for bearing with the Locker Room with me, and great conversation about power in relationships. Kim - You nailed me on my friendship with Margarita and we had a great last night, you are hot, awesome, and assertive. Lastly thanks to Anthony and all of the organizers - it was a great experience for me and I will hopefully see you all next year.

3.01.2005

[x]Win a date with Johnny Bronto!

Right. Well this was going to be one of my *many* somber entries to this journal. One of those should be coming next or later this week.

However, this morning was yet ANOTHER wonderful thing that finally went right...

I made stovetop mac 'n cheese!

Oh, and it's good.

This is a monumental event in my life. Right up there with graduating from high school and losing my virginity.

Now, I cannot cook for the life of me. The first time I attempted mac 'n cheese as a child I swear to god it turned out blue and was not good. The next time I attempted to make mac 'n cheese I was skipping school for the first time in high school (River Rouge) with some hot chick named Merideth who I had NO chance with and we both made it without milk - it was NOT good... and I got caught :(

So, who needs love when you have mac 'n cheese.

2.24.2005

[x]A fairly appropriate song.

"The perfect ending" by Straylight run

It's not a bad thing,
But when you start to pick it apart,
And you get so depressed,
It's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity,

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There's no perfect endings,

You peeled back the layers
And get down to the inside,
But sometimes you lose sight,
Of what it was you were trying to find,
And it's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity

2.23.2005

[x]Finally, something goes right!

This morning at 9:30am I gained level 60 in World of Warcraft. Currently it is the highest level you can attain.



Total time played (via /played command) = 17 days. Yes, *17* 24 hour blocks.

Game released - November 22nd.
Current date - February 23rd.

So let's do some math!

Days between release and today = 73 days.
73 days = 1752 hours.
17 days = 408 hours.

1752 divided by 408 = 4.294 = Hours per day.

Now, I didn't really play 4 hours a day... I played in blocks and towards the end I started to play more casually.

Yes, I am a g33k.

2.16.2005

[x]Clarity as an utter detriment.

If you are going to press play - "Betrayal" by The Black Marias

I just heard that song this morning. It's weird the way timing works in my life. Today I was working with a non-local crew so I had to drive myself to work. I would have never heard that song had I not been in my truck listening to 89x.

So, after last night... how do I feel this morning? Well in all honesty there is that pang-kick-in-the-stomach feeling of disappointment.

When I woke up this morning I splashed some water in my face to wake up a bit. I looked in the mirror and the sudden realization of the night before hit me. As I looked in my reflection I could feel my heart looking back at me - Shrugging and saying "What the fuck did you think was going to happen?"

Other than that I feel fine. I really thought I was going to feel worse than I do. Actually I had a pretty damn good day. Some kind of backup system kicked in and saw this coming forever ago.

I knew the stakes. The thing is there is no great gain without sacrifice. If I would have won her then it would have been all the better. I lost. No one can say I didn't make an effort, no one can say that I didn't try.

I told her I would stick around until my heart gave out. It gave out yesterday. I saw the speech coming so I just saved her the trouble and said I was moving on.

The best defense is a good offense.

Beth and I hadn't spoken much in the previous week, something partly of my own design. Seeing how much she cared to contact me. She didn't. The few weeks previous hadn't been all that special to say the least. I made a last ditch effort with Valentine's day.

Sparkle and fade.

So of course there was the "Can we still be friends?" thing. Honestly it's a nice gesture but all I could say was "Let's be realistic".

She didn't care to call. My little experiment failed (or succeeded) because she didn't miss me enough to call. To fight for me. To want me in her life. She said she was busy and that's fine... but a phone call takes 2 minutes and she isn't busy 24/7.

It's not even the phone call - it's the effort. She made no effort to show me that I am important to her in any respect, friend or otherwise. It doesn't take much to keep me hanging on... but I need SOMETHING. Every moment I spent with her or talked to her I tried to make her feel special, she just did not feel the need to do so in return. That's just who she is and how things are.

Right now I probably sound pissed, but I don't hate her, I'm not even mad at her.

Don't get me wrong, Beth's wonderful, beautiful, and alot of other things to me. I still am grateful to her for giving me a big chunk of my life back (whether she knows she did or not)

Her asking me if we could still be friends was just kind of a cheap shot. A cop-out. It's something like that - makes you feel like someone needs a clear conscience. Which could be a good thing I suppose.

It's a cop-out because if I say no I don't want to be her friend then I'M the dick. If I say yes then I am doubly screwed - I get to be around her when I have feelings for her and have the torture of not being able to express it. Worse yet, I could be there when she makes the decision to have a relationship, and have it be with someone else. No thanks.

Kind of like having your cake and eating it too.

I know Beth cares about me. I have suspicions that she does even more than she admits to herself. However I can't blame her. Nothing is different on her end than it was 4 months ago. Which is why I cannot blame her for anything. When we started talking she told me upfront that she didn't want a relationship with anyone (with me or whoever else).

are you lying to me
when you say you don't care?
are you lying to yourself?
am i lying to you
when i say i'm not hurt?
am i lying to myself?


So, I officially volunteer to be the bad guy. She did absolutely nothing wrong.

What did I learn this time around? Well besides alot of personal things that will NEVER happen again... I learned that I have absolute clarity when it comes to my emotional being.

And I hate it.

I don't have the luxury of being unsure about anything. I don't have the luxury of a "maybe" or "not sure what I want right now". That would be a lie when I know at every second what I want. I don't have that "out" because I am apparently too open and honest to the ones I care about.

Being alone for this long, all of this introspection and soul-searching has led to an unfortunate byproduct. I know how I feel 100% of the time, every step of the way. Put that together with my other issues and it's recipe for disaster, over and over again. Throw on top of that the absolute hopelessness of being a romantic, mix a little poetry and articulation in. Stir. Add a bit of living for the moment, being a believer in signs, and let simmer for 5 years. Let cool for 4 months, and add a dash of never being able to do anything halfway, and garnish with all or nothing.

I swear to God I saw it in her eyes. I saw it in that split second of her hesitating before kissing me. I saw it in every fucking subtlety. I saw it moment and moment again, adding up to something I was obviously hallucinating.

I still see it and I wish I didn't. The thing is when you care about someone there is always a chance... always. Like I said before... What could be love is just hope in the face of inevitability.

So, to sum it all up: I feel absolutely ruthless right now. I'm not going to paint her as evil, because she isn't. She's great and I still care about her for the time being. Just now begins the hard process of purging feelings for her.

2.15.2005

[x]Deja Vu. All over again.

it's the statement of our whole relationship - one way effort.

Just like that, whatever Beth and I were... it's over.

2.14.2005

[x]SCORPIO = Passion.

"I lucked out with my sign... Scorpios are all about passion. I ooze passion. Watch this... (takes drink from straw)... now that, that was a passionate sip." - Bronto

Song of the moment - "Vermillion Pt. 2" by Slipknot (Vol. 3 The subliminal verses) - Yeah I know kinda demented but everything is nowadays.

Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason


Anyway, it's that time of year again. February 14th - AKA



... or valentine's day. This year I had reason to care. As a matter of fact, I just made a danger-filled journey at 2am in the morning in the freezing rain/sleet/ice to make sure cupid at LEAST gets a shot off (hitting the mark is another issue altogether) - We'll see how that goes.

2.10.2005

[x]7 days to change your life.

sad that I could have seen you tonight
here all alone
thinking you were real
and you are
real as any other ghost
that has haunted my heart
.

2.05.2005

[x]Gimme back my delphinitions!.

Song of the moment - "Thousand Mile Wish" by Finger Eleven (elektra mix)

you just kind dull the noise of the rest of my life

2.04.2005

Sitting silent at a bar next to the chainsmoking twins waiting for a band that sucks.

Spectre of the present
take all of my paint away
to show me
that breaking the cycle
has done nothing more than break my heart.

1.28.2005

Oh the games we play.

Go pistons.

1.13.2005

Monkeys and typewriters.

I don't want you to change anything... I just want you to hear me.

1.11.2005

Japanese Horror Film Festival 2005.

Will be held at my house... errr.. now. And I will be the only person here watching.

I wish I had someone to watch movies with. :(

Tonights attractions:

RINGU - (Remade as "The Ring" which I am a HUGE fan of)
Ju-On - (Remade as "The Grudge" which I liked and will be buying soon)

God help me *Turns lights off and hits play*

BTW - "White Noise" starring Michael Keaton was WEAK. Great premise, poor execution.